Every year, I try to think of new year's resolutions. This year, I think I may not label them not only as resolutions, but as points to ponder. Here they are:
1. I want to find and continue to do things that make me happy. I have very little time to myself as I work two jobs, I go to school at night, and I co-chair an organization for girls in my community. Even though I have lived by myself for 4 years now, I still don't know many of the things that make me happy. This is not because I don't want to, but simply because I haven't had a lot of time to do so. Whenever I get free time I am trying to go to sleep. In 2008, I want to do what truly makes me happy, not just what is necessary to reach my goals.
2. Of course...excercise is on the list! I'm not sure when, but I would like to try. :)
3. Get a dog...preferably after graduation. I think I want a long-haired daschund.
3b. Graduate in May!!! Pass the CPCE exam in February.
4. Allow myself time to heal or grieve things. I am often on the move so much until I don't take the time to grieve or heal. It is very easy to be so busy being strong, but one can forget to be human. I can be prideful at times and subconsciously say to myself "I refuse to cry about this" or "I am not a punk," or even say that I forgive the person and I accept what happened, but I forget to whole-heartedly think about what I'm feeling at the time.
5. Travel. I work a lot and I don't have much money, but I would like to travel more. I really, really loved my vacation in the Bahamas. It is something that I will never forget and for that reason, I know that I should take the time that I have now to see the world--literally. I would like to put a plan in motion to go to Europe or at least Canada...in other words out of the country... in 2009. As for 2008, I want to simply travel...where...I don't really know.
6. Go out with people my age. I am the youngest person in my chapter of my sorority, the youngest in my book club, and one of the youngest on my job. I don't like being reminded that I am young. I simply want to have 26 year old fun. I'm not sure how I am going to achieve this, but I would like to try. I work a lot, I'm in school, and I don't meet many people my age, but I am going to make a conscious effort to do this.
7. Join a church. I have been attending one church for the last 4 years, but I have visited another church for 2 of those 4 years. I would like to join myself to one body because I believe that having an established church home is important. I am still waiting on God to give me direction on this.
8. Accept people for who they are without getting angry because they can't do what I believe is right by me. No people are not always fair or kind, but I do know that I can continue to go about my way without questioning myself by saying why are they doing this to me, etc. People are being as good as they can be...some people (as my mom would say,) can't get no gooder. When folk act like this with me, I understand that I don't have to allow them into my circle and I also don't have to be a reactive person. I sincerely don't believe that I should allow another person to openly make me loose my cool and "go off" or react to their stupid or immature behavior. It is what it is and it is okay for me not to have many people in my space. I think I do well with this, but I would like to to continue to do so.
9. Decide whether I will consistently go to my hair dresser.
10. Get a good job in counseling. With this in mind, I want to find out where I want to live. I have to get out of my area. I know that there is something greater for me out there...just not sure where yet. In school counseling, I want to develop programs that will help minorities students academically and to push them to develop a greater sense of self.
11. Catch up on reading things that I want to read. I still haven't read "Confessions of a Video Vixen!"
12. Refuse to seek unwise counsel!!!! I think that I do a good job of this, but I want to continue that mode of thinking. Not everyone can help you when you need it, be supportive when you need them to be, or simply give a damn when you need them to. It is not because they don't want to, it is simply because they can't. It doesn't mean they are bad people, just not the right ones to take counsel or advice from. That in itself is a hard pill to swallow, but it can be done. God is the perfect source. I have learned that he will answer prayers in a fraction of a second if need be. The words "wonderful counselor" never meant so much until 2007. In 2008 it will continue to be so.
I think that is all for now. I already "seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness," I truly believe that everything else will follow....including a good man and all of the other things that I dream of. Happy New Year and God bless!!!!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Chapter 27: Love: A word that comes and goes...
There are very few people in this life who know what it means to really love someone or who have had the opportunity to love or be loved by someone. I find it interesting as I watch things at home and one of things that I have never been able to understand is the fact that for years people, especially women, and I guess I can say those within the black community, we often hear the adage, "if you love someone you have to let them go and if it comes back you will know that they are yours and it means much more." Now that I am older, I realize that that phrase alone is not only a lie for many people, but it is, in part, one of the reasons many women allow wayward or abusive men back into thier lives. We have been led to think that when a man returns to us it can mean several things, but more importantly that he truly loves us and/or we are better than the other woman or that he got tired of running the streets and has found his mind and will be much better than he was before. I don't say that to say that people don't change or that things can't get better in situations like that, but I am saying that many women tend to push aside the negative and say "You know what? He must really like or love me if he does 'x, y, and z.'" Truthfully, I am guilty of this myself, but I think that it is important to understand the things in which make us behave in which we do or to identify the things that we have been taught over the years and challenge our belief systems.
Another thing that I noticed more on this trip home is the fact that the mind is very strong muscle that can do things that in the conscious sense we may have a hard time understanding. I have worked with mentally ill people and I personally know many people who are mentally ill, but I noticed that within my own mind, there are many things that in my heart, I know that are not right or not made for me, but my mind will draw me in and allow me to rationalize things in a manner that in the conscious sense, don't make logical sense, but because my mind sometimes has more power over my emotions and I act on that. Things can appear right when they are clearly wrong. One can allow this irrational thinking to control thier lives or simply some thier actions and in turn believe that it is love when it really isn't. This goes for romantic relationships and even our relationships with our family members. I think that it's really interesting that we can be smart enough to go about our business daily, but we are blind to some of our realities.
In abusive relationships, whether with our family members or our romantic interest, it is like I mentioned before, I know I tend to think that things are my fault or that something was wrong with me for things to happen the way in which they did. Abused children tend to think the same way, battered women tend to do the same. In this fashion, things can become cyclical and some people tend to treat others in the same manner in which they have been treated...hurting people hurting other people or in some cases demonstrating what they believe love to be. It is very sad. One instance in particular is a situation I've had. I've dated men who have told me that I think too highly of myself, or who have tried to make me feel less than a woman. Because I try to see the good in most things, I tend to look at those things that were positive in our relationship and my mind tends to wonder. While it wonders, I often don't notice the toil this plays in my self-concept and my outlook on men and relationships. I am smart enough to remove myself from the situation, but inside it can be very debiliating. I have experienced God's love for myself and I have parents who are deeply in love with each other as well, but sometimes it is very easy to be subjected to the hurt of another person and despite all that you know or feel, you can easily be put into the trap of the deceptive love of a bruised person. This again leads me to the aforementioned adage about one leaving and letting go of someone and that person returning. I sincerely believe that for the most part, that is not so.
One's inner belief system, self-esteem, and self-concept can be scarred partly because of thier own beliefs about what love really is or someone else's beliefs of love. While no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, when one is subjected to things that are our of thier control it is hard not to feel inferior. I say all of this to say that that people rarely take the time to 1) monitor their own behavior and think about how it can effect those around them; 2) examine what they believe love to be; 3) Examine the place that Christ-like love plays in thier lives or whether they believe that they are entitled to Christ-like love. Because of the lack of the aforementioned notions, I believe that there are many who are not only lacking love, but lack the capacity to love, or remain in relationships or situations that are bad for them. I, in part, can be guilty of this as well, but I think that it is good to do self-inspections from time to time. The Notebook is my way of doing so.
Another thing that I noticed more on this trip home is the fact that the mind is very strong muscle that can do things that in the conscious sense we may have a hard time understanding. I have worked with mentally ill people and I personally know many people who are mentally ill, but I noticed that within my own mind, there are many things that in my heart, I know that are not right or not made for me, but my mind will draw me in and allow me to rationalize things in a manner that in the conscious sense, don't make logical sense, but because my mind sometimes has more power over my emotions and I act on that. Things can appear right when they are clearly wrong. One can allow this irrational thinking to control thier lives or simply some thier actions and in turn believe that it is love when it really isn't. This goes for romantic relationships and even our relationships with our family members. I think that it's really interesting that we can be smart enough to go about our business daily, but we are blind to some of our realities.
In abusive relationships, whether with our family members or our romantic interest, it is like I mentioned before, I know I tend to think that things are my fault or that something was wrong with me for things to happen the way in which they did. Abused children tend to think the same way, battered women tend to do the same. In this fashion, things can become cyclical and some people tend to treat others in the same manner in which they have been treated...hurting people hurting other people or in some cases demonstrating what they believe love to be. It is very sad. One instance in particular is a situation I've had. I've dated men who have told me that I think too highly of myself, or who have tried to make me feel less than a woman. Because I try to see the good in most things, I tend to look at those things that were positive in our relationship and my mind tends to wonder. While it wonders, I often don't notice the toil this plays in my self-concept and my outlook on men and relationships. I am smart enough to remove myself from the situation, but inside it can be very debiliating. I have experienced God's love for myself and I have parents who are deeply in love with each other as well, but sometimes it is very easy to be subjected to the hurt of another person and despite all that you know or feel, you can easily be put into the trap of the deceptive love of a bruised person. This again leads me to the aforementioned adage about one leaving and letting go of someone and that person returning. I sincerely believe that for the most part, that is not so.
One's inner belief system, self-esteem, and self-concept can be scarred partly because of thier own beliefs about what love really is or someone else's beliefs of love. While no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, when one is subjected to things that are our of thier control it is hard not to feel inferior. I say all of this to say that that people rarely take the time to 1) monitor their own behavior and think about how it can effect those around them; 2) examine what they believe love to be; 3) Examine the place that Christ-like love plays in thier lives or whether they believe that they are entitled to Christ-like love. Because of the lack of the aforementioned notions, I believe that there are many who are not only lacking love, but lack the capacity to love, or remain in relationships or situations that are bad for them. I, in part, can be guilty of this as well, but I think that it is good to do self-inspections from time to time. The Notebook is my way of doing so.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Chapter 26: "Drug-Dealing Just to Get By, Stacking Money 'Til it Gets Sky High" For the Love of Academics Part II
After watching the movie "The Great Debaters" and going to visit a family friend out of state, I began to ponder on several things. Why are we, black Americans in such a crisis within our own communities? I was deeply inspired by the movie, that I saw it twice, once in the free premeires that was shown in my city and once in my hometown during the Christmas holidays. One of the most compelling things about the film was that it showcased black Americans as intellectuals and common people with a purpose. It was heart-warming to see that someone wanted to tell the story of intelligent black people who wanted to do the unthinkable. It was also compelling to note that one of thier arguments was about black students being admitted into predominately white colleges in the south. I am a proud graduate of one such school, The University of Florida. The University of Florida, based on what I have learned, was established some 154 years ago. Of those 154 years, black students have been attending the institution for the last 30 to 35 years. My graduating class in college was the first class in the history of the state of Florida to be admitted into state universities under the Talented 20 legislation. The Talented 20 was the new governor's way of getting around the notion of using Affirmative Action. The top 20% of minorities in each graduating class would have guarenteed admission into a state university. What is interesting about all of this is that inspite of Affirmative Action being taken away that year, our class had the highest enrollment of minorities in the history of the university and the history of the state. Do I believe that the state in turing over a new leaf and that Affirmative Action is no longer needed--no, but I do believe that the state and the world are slowly changing.
After being admitted to college, I have earned an English degree with a specialization in American literature and secondary education no doubt. Today, I am an educator myself. I am proud to know that I did something similar (on a much smaller scale) to the characters in the movie and I earned something that my ancestors fought so hard for me to have the opportunity to obtain. In a country where black Americans were not allowed to read and write, yet alone be admitted to white colleges or quite plainly earn an education, I feel honored to have done both. I teach English, one of the many things that my ancestors were unable to learn to read or write. While, it may be hard and some time tedious, I am making a difference. I also have the opportunity to promote the study of literature, much like my ancestors did in thier time. It felt good to hear black people reading and quoting things that I enjoy and have read in college. The movie, not only made me glad to be black, I was happy to be a lover of literature, to be female, to be an educator, and to be a lover of academics.
What is funny to me is the fact that somehow, we as people have gone away from this vision in so many ways. I am fortunate enough to have come from a home where both of my parents are college educated and are educators themselves. They too are graduates of predominately white colleges in the south, The University of Florida and The University of North Florida. While I believe that Historically Black Colleges and Universities definitely have a place, not only in history, but in the promotion of education in the black community, I find it strange that there is an unsaid predjudice among ourselves for people who do not go to or graduate from HBCUs. It is almost to say that one is not "black enough" if he or she does not attend an HBCU. I don't get that. If black people fought so hard to be educated and live among other races, why would another black person have anything crazy to say to another black person for attending a predominately white institution. This is also like the fact that children are often shunned in schools for sounding "too white" or in other words, being articute. Or even the notion of having an education, one is often considered to believe that they think that they are better than everyone else. I guess it is similar to the field negro disliking the house negro. I agree with Nas as he says in "If I Ruled the World," "It's elementary, they want us all gone eventually." I am not one to believe that everything is a conspiracy, but I do believe that we were somehow taught to hate ourselves and "love they wealth. That's why shorties yelling where the ballers at." In many cases we hate and distrust each other for that same reason. We as a people don't support our own businesses, we discriminate against each, and sadly we kill each other. What is going on or more clearly, who in the hell let the gate open for craziness and absurdity to come in?
In the song, "We Don't Dare" by Kanye West, he talks about how in America and probably elsewhere in the world, drug dealers do what they do just so that they can get by, yet children see this and see it as a means to get all they want and to make thier dreams come true. In America the average person knows that going to jail, especially in the state of Florida for drug charges can get you put away for a long time--possibly 20 years. It is sad, but our children and our people as a whole often do illegal things, not only to get by in a world where the cost of living is sky high, but to "beat the system." Often we do it to get a high from being the person to get away with crime in a system that openly doesn't justly support them or to get back at "the man." Even children are somehow subconsciously taught not to trust the police or white people as a whole. This mentality in turn often puts many people in prison because they may feel that they are above the law or they may fall in the trap of drugs. In all of this, I believe that an entire generation and in some cases part of our race is dying, not only in the physical prisons in this country, but in the mental prisons that we create for ourselves in our own minds and American society.
Sometimes, I get embarrassed by how we look in public or on TV, the way that we refer to ourselves, what we believe in and for ourselves, and the things that we value. A good example is the fact that I have two cousins one who won the lottery and one who got her deceased husband's insurance policy money. The strangest part of this to me was that neither of them taught to buy a home or to pay for thier children's college education, both bought cars! SUVs with nice rims! I didn't know what to think. Should I have laughed or shook my head?! (The question was rhetorical. lol) It is amazing to me that we do things for vanity at times or because deep within ourselves, we don't truly believe that we need or can even dream of more. Black people, I hate to say it, but particularly on BET, look worse when we are all over television sounding illiterate or looking a hot mess---AND displaying some of the worse talent. In the schools, I watch my student immulating these people and it makes me wonder if that is all that people of other races imagine many of us to be. Not only is GOD watching us, white America is watching us, and people all over the world are watching us. In a story that I read with my students about the diamond mines in Africa, I found it very interesting to read about an African boy whose dream was to get enough money to come to American because he believed that the African Americans were the rich ones in this country. He had seen images of rappers, actors, and athletes who had lots of "diamonds" and big homes. He thought that they had all the money and he believed that if he could get here he would be rich too. It is funny what his idea of success was. It is not of my own accord that I do this, but on the belief that there is always someting greater to achieve in this world. In order for us to "come up" or to love ourselves or to reach the correct standard and to begin to live the dream of Dr. King instead of letting it be deferred, we have to reconsider what we believe success to be. There are too many people who are concerned about the immediacy of the frivolous things before us, such as sex and money and we become trapped in the world of drugs, disease, and sometimes unplanned pregnancy. We literally forget about tomorrow and as a result, sometimes, our children and thier children struggle to break out of the mental prisons that they have been brought up to believe they live in. That is why being "so hood" is popular. As a whole, we think that if you are not from the hood, you are not credible, and in essence, not black enough. This is the exact opposite of what our ancestors invisioned for us. They wanted us out of the hood to become a population and generation of leaders in our society. I believe, however that this is another form of self-imposed hatred and/or black people wanting to hold each other back because we don't want to see someone else do better than us. Again, possibly, this is the field negro disliking the house negro menatlity. I'm not sure, but I refuse to be one who succombs to this notion or that forces it upon another individual. It is quite like the song, "Do you realize that you are a champion in thier eyes" and "Do you ever wonder what it all really means?" We have to understand that behavior is purposful and that we are destined to be kings and queens. Why do we have to live in mediocrity if excellence is always a choice?
After being admitted to college, I have earned an English degree with a specialization in American literature and secondary education no doubt. Today, I am an educator myself. I am proud to know that I did something similar (on a much smaller scale) to the characters in the movie and I earned something that my ancestors fought so hard for me to have the opportunity to obtain. In a country where black Americans were not allowed to read and write, yet alone be admitted to white colleges or quite plainly earn an education, I feel honored to have done both. I teach English, one of the many things that my ancestors were unable to learn to read or write. While, it may be hard and some time tedious, I am making a difference. I also have the opportunity to promote the study of literature, much like my ancestors did in thier time. It felt good to hear black people reading and quoting things that I enjoy and have read in college. The movie, not only made me glad to be black, I was happy to be a lover of literature, to be female, to be an educator, and to be a lover of academics.
What is funny to me is the fact that somehow, we as people have gone away from this vision in so many ways. I am fortunate enough to have come from a home where both of my parents are college educated and are educators themselves. They too are graduates of predominately white colleges in the south, The University of Florida and The University of North Florida. While I believe that Historically Black Colleges and Universities definitely have a place, not only in history, but in the promotion of education in the black community, I find it strange that there is an unsaid predjudice among ourselves for people who do not go to or graduate from HBCUs. It is almost to say that one is not "black enough" if he or she does not attend an HBCU. I don't get that. If black people fought so hard to be educated and live among other races, why would another black person have anything crazy to say to another black person for attending a predominately white institution. This is also like the fact that children are often shunned in schools for sounding "too white" or in other words, being articute. Or even the notion of having an education, one is often considered to believe that they think that they are better than everyone else. I guess it is similar to the field negro disliking the house negro. I agree with Nas as he says in "If I Ruled the World," "It's elementary, they want us all gone eventually." I am not one to believe that everything is a conspiracy, but I do believe that we were somehow taught to hate ourselves and "love they wealth. That's why shorties yelling where the ballers at." In many cases we hate and distrust each other for that same reason. We as a people don't support our own businesses, we discriminate against each, and sadly we kill each other. What is going on or more clearly, who in the hell let the gate open for craziness and absurdity to come in?
In the song, "We Don't Dare" by Kanye West, he talks about how in America and probably elsewhere in the world, drug dealers do what they do just so that they can get by, yet children see this and see it as a means to get all they want and to make thier dreams come true. In America the average person knows that going to jail, especially in the state of Florida for drug charges can get you put away for a long time--possibly 20 years. It is sad, but our children and our people as a whole often do illegal things, not only to get by in a world where the cost of living is sky high, but to "beat the system." Often we do it to get a high from being the person to get away with crime in a system that openly doesn't justly support them or to get back at "the man." Even children are somehow subconsciously taught not to trust the police or white people as a whole. This mentality in turn often puts many people in prison because they may feel that they are above the law or they may fall in the trap of drugs. In all of this, I believe that an entire generation and in some cases part of our race is dying, not only in the physical prisons in this country, but in the mental prisons that we create for ourselves in our own minds and American society.
Sometimes, I get embarrassed by how we look in public or on TV, the way that we refer to ourselves, what we believe in and for ourselves, and the things that we value. A good example is the fact that I have two cousins one who won the lottery and one who got her deceased husband's insurance policy money. The strangest part of this to me was that neither of them taught to buy a home or to pay for thier children's college education, both bought cars! SUVs with nice rims! I didn't know what to think. Should I have laughed or shook my head?! (The question was rhetorical. lol) It is amazing to me that we do things for vanity at times or because deep within ourselves, we don't truly believe that we need or can even dream of more. Black people, I hate to say it, but particularly on BET, look worse when we are all over television sounding illiterate or looking a hot mess---AND displaying some of the worse talent. In the schools, I watch my student immulating these people and it makes me wonder if that is all that people of other races imagine many of us to be. Not only is GOD watching us, white America is watching us, and people all over the world are watching us. In a story that I read with my students about the diamond mines in Africa, I found it very interesting to read about an African boy whose dream was to get enough money to come to American because he believed that the African Americans were the rich ones in this country. He had seen images of rappers, actors, and athletes who had lots of "diamonds" and big homes. He thought that they had all the money and he believed that if he could get here he would be rich too. It is funny what his idea of success was. It is not of my own accord that I do this, but on the belief that there is always someting greater to achieve in this world. In order for us to "come up" or to love ourselves or to reach the correct standard and to begin to live the dream of Dr. King instead of letting it be deferred, we have to reconsider what we believe success to be. There are too many people who are concerned about the immediacy of the frivolous things before us, such as sex and money and we become trapped in the world of drugs, disease, and sometimes unplanned pregnancy. We literally forget about tomorrow and as a result, sometimes, our children and thier children struggle to break out of the mental prisons that they have been brought up to believe they live in. That is why being "so hood" is popular. As a whole, we think that if you are not from the hood, you are not credible, and in essence, not black enough. This is the exact opposite of what our ancestors invisioned for us. They wanted us out of the hood to become a population and generation of leaders in our society. I believe, however that this is another form of self-imposed hatred and/or black people wanting to hold each other back because we don't want to see someone else do better than us. Again, possibly, this is the field negro disliking the house negro menatlity. I'm not sure, but I refuse to be one who succombs to this notion or that forces it upon another individual. It is quite like the song, "Do you realize that you are a champion in thier eyes" and "Do you ever wonder what it all really means?" We have to understand that behavior is purposful and that we are destined to be kings and queens. Why do we have to live in mediocrity if excellence is always a choice?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Chapter 23: Subconscious Behavior
I like to monitor my own behavior before I allow anyone else that task. In other words, I check myself before someone else attempts to. One thing that I noticed in myself that I didnt necessarily like is the fact that I have begun to treat people as some folks have treated me. For example, I had a hell of a night one Sunday and I went to the doctor's office on Monday. Subconsciously I began to treat random strangers just as I felt I had been treated. I saw an older lady who was a little "heavy-set" who just happened to be walking with a cane as I walked in to the office. She was behind me. Normally, I would have waited and opened the door for her to be courteous, but for some reason, I felt so discouraged about being kind to other people that I didn't sincerely want to help the elderly lady. After I sat down and as she sat down near me, I felt bad. I know that this was very out of character for me, but it is how I felt at the moment. Another instance was after I walked out of the office. Behind my car was a lady who seemed to be vomitting behind my car. There was a man there to help her, so I didn't feel inclined to immediately respond. My response, however was to stay out of it. As a result of this, I sat in my car and I talked on my phone until the people moved. There was another good samaritan that went to get the nurses from inside, to help the situation. I know that it sounds weird, but it was almost as if God were giving me another chance to do the right thing, but somehow, I didn't. I think that I felt so down that I didn't care about anyone else. In this respect, I had begun to behave like the people that I don't particularly fancy. Another thing that I noticed is that I really don't like whinning...this I have known for years, but as I was facilitating a teacher conference the other day, I heard the teacher say over and over again how sorry she was and that she has so much on her plate and she was unable to adequately do her job as a teacher. Certainly, I understood, but I treated her like I had been treated--I steered her away from her whinning. I subconsciously made it clear that I didn't want to hear this from her. It is wrong, I know and I'm sure that it made her feel awkward to hear it from another teacher, but I tried to be as professional as possible. Ultimately, I treated her like I had been treated because I wanted someone else to feel like I felt. We tend to do this sometimes, even when we don't intend to.
I believe that subconsciously I have developed a control mechanism that has allowed me to treat people like I have been treated. When I say control I mean that to say that it is my way to control the situations that I am placed in. It keeps me from being taken advantage of. I know that it isn't right and certainly not me, but I noticed that I have been behaving this way for a few days now. I think my mind is saying that it's tired. I know that in my heart of hearts, I will continue to behave in my normal fashion, but I am tired of being kind and not being treated kindly in return. I know that the bible says not to be weary of well doing because for my day is on its way and that God in heaven can do anything, but I think that what I am subconsciously doing is my way of trying to protect myself. Weird isn't it.
There are things that I have known for most of my life, like the fact that everybody ain't got a word and that you can't always assume that people will be kind to you, but these things have never been so evident until now..my 26th birthday (November 1). I am sad to say that I have, what I call, a "semi-negative" view of people. I believe that many people make an effort to be good, but somewhere between that effort and reality, they (or we) fall short. These instances can be in part to the way we have been treated or experiences that we have had or the lack thereof. I have learned that it is not wise to immediately judge someone's behavior because you never know why he or she behaves in a certain way. For this reason, I understand that I shouldn't think about the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to worry about how sad I feel because someone else can't appreciate me. In a lot of instances I understand that a lot of the people I encounter are in fact ill and some have had difficulties that in some cases they feel that everyone should constantly be aware and for my sanity, I have to know that when people are hurting and consciously or subconsciously thier behavior will be irrational and you or I can be in the pathway of thier hurt. It is not that one chooses to be there intently, it is simply how the world works. Right now in my life, I more mature, but I understand that God is building my character to receive all that he has designed for me. I also understand that sometimes, just as with Jesus, we have to experience difficulty in order for the will of God to be fulfilled. Jesus had haters, bad friendships, stress, pain, and struggles. I am no different. This is truly something that I need to pray more and more about, but right now, I have been consciously keeping myself away from other people more often than not. I think that this is my way of clearing the air for myself and attempting to make things a little safer for me. While everything will not be perfect and not everyone can be kind, I do know that I can control myself, my own behavior, and the way in which I feel.
I believe that subconsciously I have developed a control mechanism that has allowed me to treat people like I have been treated. When I say control I mean that to say that it is my way to control the situations that I am placed in. It keeps me from being taken advantage of. I know that it isn't right and certainly not me, but I noticed that I have been behaving this way for a few days now. I think my mind is saying that it's tired. I know that in my heart of hearts, I will continue to behave in my normal fashion, but I am tired of being kind and not being treated kindly in return. I know that the bible says not to be weary of well doing because for my day is on its way and that God in heaven can do anything, but I think that what I am subconsciously doing is my way of trying to protect myself. Weird isn't it.
There are things that I have known for most of my life, like the fact that everybody ain't got a word and that you can't always assume that people will be kind to you, but these things have never been so evident until now..my 26th birthday (November 1). I am sad to say that I have, what I call, a "semi-negative" view of people. I believe that many people make an effort to be good, but somewhere between that effort and reality, they (or we) fall short. These instances can be in part to the way we have been treated or experiences that we have had or the lack thereof. I have learned that it is not wise to immediately judge someone's behavior because you never know why he or she behaves in a certain way. For this reason, I understand that I shouldn't think about the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to worry about how sad I feel because someone else can't appreciate me. In a lot of instances I understand that a lot of the people I encounter are in fact ill and some have had difficulties that in some cases they feel that everyone should constantly be aware and for my sanity, I have to know that when people are hurting and consciously or subconsciously thier behavior will be irrational and you or I can be in the pathway of thier hurt. It is not that one chooses to be there intently, it is simply how the world works. Right now in my life, I more mature, but I understand that God is building my character to receive all that he has designed for me. I also understand that sometimes, just as with Jesus, we have to experience difficulty in order for the will of God to be fulfilled. Jesus had haters, bad friendships, stress, pain, and struggles. I am no different. This is truly something that I need to pray more and more about, but right now, I have been consciously keeping myself away from other people more often than not. I think that this is my way of clearing the air for myself and attempting to make things a little safer for me. While everything will not be perfect and not everyone can be kind, I do know that I can control myself, my own behavior, and the way in which I feel.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Chapter 22: The Very Pretty, Ugly Duckling...For the Love of Academics Part 1
When I was a little girl, just like any other child, I heard the story The Ugly Duckling. What is funny is that I never really thought so deeply about the concept until now. In working with children and talking to other educators, I pondered the notion of why we as black Americans have a distorted view of the world. We tend to look at academics and the wealthy and the educated and think that they are "bougie" or not for us. What makes me wonder about this is the fact that there have been so many people to die and to fight for our rights to have an education and not only that, we complain about why do "they" or white people always have to have the best jobs or the finer things. Academically speaking, I have an appreciation for education and I try my hardest to reach the highest level of academic excellence that I can possibly attain. For this reason, I have found myself in the same position as the Ugly Duckling. It is amazing how when one is doing the right thing and being true to him or herself and is strikingly different, others will not acknowledge that fact. As a result, sometimes the "ugly duckling" grows to believe that he or she may be inadequate due to a lack of acknowledgement or more importantly, a lack of encouragement. To put it more simply, when one is not of the status quo or of the norm, it is very easy to believe that there is something wrong with you. What is funny is the fact that just like the cliche' "30 is the new 20," normal is the new crazy. I happen the believe that it does take a village to raise a child, but if the village is crazy the children will be too. The average person or the "normal" person can be arguably and notably "crazy" as we live in a crazy world.
A good example of this is when I was little I remember thinking "what is wrong with me," particularly when I was in school. 2nd grade was the first time that I realized that I wasn't "normal." The program, Chapter One, from my understanding, was a program that helped students who had problems with reading and writing skills. In the second grade, it seemed everyone in my class would get pulled out of class to go to Chapter One, except for me and a few other students. At that point, I began to think that there was something wrong with me because I wasn't chosen to go. Now, knowing what I know now, it was a good thing not to go, but I felt weird because I couldn't do what other people could. This was the first time that I knew that I wasn't just a duck...I am a swan. Sometimes, even as an adult, I stick out like a sore thumb because I don't look or act like those around me. I have found it to be a struggle because I understand that it is a gift to be who I am ---it is a blessing to be tenacious, intelligent, and beautiful, but in a world where women like me are considered to be boring or simply not in style because I am not ghetto enough, or possibly striving for too much academically, it is hard, particularly when you want to have fun with like-minded people. When there are very few people who are like-minded with me, it can be hard to find good friends. I am, by no means indicating that I can't be alone or anything, but I am saying that it is both interesting and funny in a sense that some of the best people in the world can struggle with being "abnormal" because those around them are "ducks" and they want to be loved and understood as a swan.
To be continued...
A good example of this is when I was little I remember thinking "what is wrong with me," particularly when I was in school. 2nd grade was the first time that I realized that I wasn't "normal." The program, Chapter One, from my understanding, was a program that helped students who had problems with reading and writing skills. In the second grade, it seemed everyone in my class would get pulled out of class to go to Chapter One, except for me and a few other students. At that point, I began to think that there was something wrong with me because I wasn't chosen to go. Now, knowing what I know now, it was a good thing not to go, but I felt weird because I couldn't do what other people could. This was the first time that I knew that I wasn't just a duck...I am a swan. Sometimes, even as an adult, I stick out like a sore thumb because I don't look or act like those around me. I have found it to be a struggle because I understand that it is a gift to be who I am ---it is a blessing to be tenacious, intelligent, and beautiful, but in a world where women like me are considered to be boring or simply not in style because I am not ghetto enough, or possibly striving for too much academically, it is hard, particularly when you want to have fun with like-minded people. When there are very few people who are like-minded with me, it can be hard to find good friends. I am, by no means indicating that I can't be alone or anything, but I am saying that it is both interesting and funny in a sense that some of the best people in the world can struggle with being "abnormal" because those around them are "ducks" and they want to be loved and understood as a swan.
To be continued...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Chapter 21: Breakaway
The past several weeks have been a little hectic, disappointing, exhausting, and strange, but somehow I've been able to stay sane and there have been moments that I can say that were happy. God is good and I can honestly say that he will save the day. I got a part-time job teaching English and writing on Saturdays at a private college to supplement my income. Living on a $1,200 monthly salary with a $1,200 mortage isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do. I genuinely like this job, however. I believe that it is a good transition into the new place that I believe that I will be directed to. Today I write this not only because I miss being connected to my notebook, but because this is my outlet to vent and it is what makes me happy. I am in the process of doing several things mentally, but more less, I am continually in the process of breaking away. I am writing this as I sit in my chilling classroom with about 17 students. I should be grading papers or doing something productive, but clearly I don't feel like it. LOL!
In speaking with my students we talked about perception and opinions and one of the things that they mentioned was that they didn't care about what people thought of them. What is funny is that the average person grows up believing that and I wonder if we are generally lying to ourselevs? We may say that, but on occasion, we do care about what others think...isn't that why we dress in a certain fashion to certain events or we watch what we say in certain arenas...right? I have decided to make a concerted effort to completely cut off the irrational opinions that other have of me. Not that they matter (the opinions that is), but I know that often the words that one hears can have an effect on the way in which one may live or the way in which one believes. It's kinda like being told that "you ain't never gonna amount to anything." or "you're just like your dumb ass daddy!" Eventhough this may be someone else's opinion of you, because you hear the negativity, it can become something that you believe. I know a lot of ill people..either ill--willed, or ill in the mind and I've discovered that sometimes they or any other person for that matter, say irrational thougts not because they want to, but because they either don' t know any better or because they are, again, ill-willed or disturbed.
I come from a different school of thought on many things and because of this, I have the ability not only see in the dark ahead of me, but I do things that the average person would say...why? There are people that I avoid and when I do speak to them inadvertantly, I get angry because they can be so irrational, small minded, or even rude on the sly. On one hand, the other person may genuinely not understand where you are coming from as well and as a result may present criticism from an ignorant standpoint. Another thing that I have learned and I guess I've always been this way, is I've learned how to talk to people. I am the boss of no one but myself, so therefore I don't tell anyone else what to do, even if they are asking for advice. In other words, I get frustrated when dumb people speak with such authority and honestly believe that their way is the law...this notion is inconceivable to me. ....but I digress.
On another note, I have officially have decided that I want to be transferred to another school next year. I have asked to be moved to a middle school next semester to get the experience of working on another level. Among all of the professional moves, I am doing this because I find myself sad when I go into the 12th grade building to work with my supervisor and her secretary. I find it be a conflict of interest, a feeling of blatant dislike or disrespect, and genuine confusion when I'm there. I have to do things that I know that I don't like for others to do me as a teacher or even work with students who are on the opposite of the spectrum. They have 3.5 GPAs and are upset that they haven't made the 4.0 mark. The students I teach are struggling to get a 2.0 GPA. There is a definite conflict of interest. On the other hand, I don't particularly fancy my supervisor either...this has been a thing that I've known for a while now. I feel disrespected in a sense because I've been trying to do this for at least a year and a half now and when I initially asked her, she acted like she didn't know what to do, particularly after she had worked with interns from 3 of the area schools. I also was done when she was blatantly disrespectful when she gave the last intern a job in the middle of the semester and wouldn't as much try to do the same for me. I can work with her to make things work for myself, but I have very little respect for her. I'm slick too, however I walk with my head held high as though none of that matters. I have to be a lady and professional at all times.
So now, I'm here at this point and I feel just the words of the song "Breakaway." GOD has done great things for me and he has allowed me to do things that so very few people can say that they've done at a young age. If anything, I'm proud of myself. But I'm still trying to breakaway for the nonsense of others. For this reason, I find myself alone and I want stay away from others...probably because I can see through some people. I'm not deliberately doing this, but something in my heart is asking me to remove myself from a lot of extra things. Here are the words of the song. For some reason, this is how I feel on a lot of days.
"I grew up in a small town and when the rain fall down , I'd just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be and if I'd end up happy. I would pray. I would break. Trying hard to reach out and when I tried to speak out felt like no one could hear me. Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here. So I prayed I could break away.
I'll spread my wings and I'd learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. I'll make a wish. Take a chance, make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun, I won't forget all the one's that I love and I'lltake a risk. Take a chance and break away.
Want to feel the warm breeze. Sleep under a palm tree. Feel the rush of the ocean. Get on board a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away and break away. I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun I won't forget all the one's that I love. I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and break away.
Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging with revolving doors, maybe I don't know where they'll take me. But gotta moving on, moving on, fly away, break away. I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, though it's not easy to tell you good-bye, but I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and break away."
Just like some of us say that "The Boondocks speaks the truth" so does Kelly Clarkson. Who says, black girls can't love white chik music?
Monday, August 27, 2007
Chapter 20: Church People...
I have the hardest time dealing with church people. It is so ironic that I identify as a "church girl," but I don't feel that I am of the same intellect or the same mindframe as the common church person. Today in Singles' Ministry I decided to go to the meeting for the first time after the retreat in June. This was my first time going as I had classes on the days that the meetings were held. Today I realized again why I tend to do things in the church alone. I know that fellowship is important, but I also realize that you have to be around the right people in order for that to come to pass. I mentioned in the meeting that as a single person I am struggling with being able to see the big picture in this race that we call life. I understand that the people there were trying to be helpful and encouraging, but it felt like it was an attack. I'm not sure if I felt this way because I typically don't contribute to conversations in open forum like that or whether I felt alone as a young person in the room with older persons...I don't know. I left feeling as a part of the group so to speak, but I also felt as though I have to question whether I would make this a part of my monthly routine to attend the meetings. I realize that part of my problem is that while I believe that my relationship with my heavenly father is good, I know that I have a problem with people who tend to believe that they are "holier than thou" or that they are so spiritually in tack that they are above you. I am working on it, but when I feel like I am being attacked I tend to move away and ultimately want to be alone. It has been difficult to look for churches for the past year, not because I am a heathen or anything, but I am looking for a place in which I can hear the Word and learn from it and apply it to my life as well as a church that I can fellowship with like-minded and well-minded people. So far I have been able to find one and not the other; finding both is difficult. I have heard something that is telling me about one church, but sometimes I wonder whether I heard myself or whether I heard the Lord. It has been a constant prayer of mine for a while. If you are reading this please pray for me as you pray for yourself. I am secure in my own relationship with my heavenly father, but I would like to be in a place that I feel that I will not be among "church people" as I define them--the often overly critical and/or hypocritical people.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Chapter 19: My Epiphany
Today, I realize that it wasn't me. When I say that, I mean that while I acknowledge my wrong doings or my part in many situations, I understand now that being single or hurt that I felt in the past was not a result of something I did. I've always believed in cause and effect and because of that I always thought that the way some people may treat you can be a result of something you did. Not always..but some of the time. An example would be getting in trouble as a child. Your mother may yell at you because of something that you did. Cause and effect. As an adult I carried that along with me. I'm not ignorant to the fact that some people have "issues" and do things without warrant, but I used to think that when someone would deliberately do something to be rude or hurt your feelings logically I thought it was something that I inadevertantly did. Just as it was when I was younger. Today I noticed that in looking back a lot of things were simply out of my control and not my fault. It wasn't because I couldn't do it right or because something was wrong with me...it was the other person. I try to own things,but in some cases I have to own up to the fact that not everything is my fault or that I did something to be treated in a certain way. I'm not perfect, but I know that I didn't do anything to receive some of the unfair treatment that I did.
I digress...another thing that I don't like is that there are people that I have come in contact with that will say stupid things like, well you're not in the right places or you're not giving a man enough to look at or you're not letting him know that you are interested or the all time stupid one is...you're just too picky. For a long time I thought that it was my fault that I was single because that's all I heard and in turn I've been single for 5 going on 6 years. (If you look at relationships in which you use the word "boyfriend") So logically, I felt that I did something wrong. Nowadays I tend to think that people say things like that because they simply don't know what to say to me. They are seeking for answers but because they may not know what to say or how to approach me it comes out wrong. I am learning to be easy on myself and to think about the good and right things that I have done with my life. I haven't always done everything right, but I know that I could've done worse. I look at some of the places I've been or people I have been with and I know that the hand of God has been on my life not because I was so good, but because he genuinely loves me. ....but I digress...
As a single person I think about the fact that as my mother puts it, I think that it's my fault all of the time. I only think that way because I know that I am the only person that I can change. So when people ask me why am I single, I am kinda at a loss for words because sometimes I don't know why either. I have resolved to the notion that the men that I have been involved with or the men that I have met simply do not know what to do with me. I'm like a new item that is beautifully packaged and worth a whole lot, but because I don't look or operate like the others, I am often discarded. This applies to women also. I don't have many friends and sometimes I wonder why...other times I don't think so much about it. My father once told me that "women often have a problem with you B because you see something that you want and you go after it. There are not many people who can do that in this life. " I now believe him. So while I sit alone and wonder why about some things, I am encouraged and greatful to be the person that I am. I think I'm having a Forrest Gump moment because I know that no one can see the greatness in you until you do yourself. He saw greatness in himself even when no one else did. Even when his friends left him or forsaked him or when they simply didn't have time for him because they were going through their own issues. I'm glad to know that I have two best friends, me and my GOD. Some people can say that thier children or thier dogs, or maybe even thier husbands or wives or thier best friends, I have neither, but on a good note, I have the two best friends in the world. Standing alone at the shore isn't so bad when you know that their is a big sea with endless possibilities and a God who can steer your ship to the right places at the right times. My mother says that God sees the whole picture and she's right. Everyone and everything happens for a reason and the reason that I don't know why and how these things happen is exactly why I'm not God. Good women can stand alone and that's exactly what I do.
I digress...another thing that I don't like is that there are people that I have come in contact with that will say stupid things like, well you're not in the right places or you're not giving a man enough to look at or you're not letting him know that you are interested or the all time stupid one is...you're just too picky. For a long time I thought that it was my fault that I was single because that's all I heard and in turn I've been single for 5 going on 6 years. (If you look at relationships in which you use the word "boyfriend") So logically, I felt that I did something wrong. Nowadays I tend to think that people say things like that because they simply don't know what to say to me. They are seeking for answers but because they may not know what to say or how to approach me it comes out wrong. I am learning to be easy on myself and to think about the good and right things that I have done with my life. I haven't always done everything right, but I know that I could've done worse. I look at some of the places I've been or people I have been with and I know that the hand of God has been on my life not because I was so good, but because he genuinely loves me. ....but I digress...
As a single person I think about the fact that as my mother puts it, I think that it's my fault all of the time. I only think that way because I know that I am the only person that I can change. So when people ask me why am I single, I am kinda at a loss for words because sometimes I don't know why either. I have resolved to the notion that the men that I have been involved with or the men that I have met simply do not know what to do with me. I'm like a new item that is beautifully packaged and worth a whole lot, but because I don't look or operate like the others, I am often discarded. This applies to women also. I don't have many friends and sometimes I wonder why...other times I don't think so much about it. My father once told me that "women often have a problem with you B because you see something that you want and you go after it. There are not many people who can do that in this life. " I now believe him. So while I sit alone and wonder why about some things, I am encouraged and greatful to be the person that I am. I think I'm having a Forrest Gump moment because I know that no one can see the greatness in you until you do yourself. He saw greatness in himself even when no one else did. Even when his friends left him or forsaked him or when they simply didn't have time for him because they were going through their own issues. I'm glad to know that I have two best friends, me and my GOD. Some people can say that thier children or thier dogs, or maybe even thier husbands or wives or thier best friends, I have neither, but on a good note, I have the two best friends in the world. Standing alone at the shore isn't so bad when you know that their is a big sea with endless possibilities and a God who can steer your ship to the right places at the right times. My mother says that God sees the whole picture and she's right. Everyone and everything happens for a reason and the reason that I don't know why and how these things happen is exactly why I'm not God. Good women can stand alone and that's exactly what I do.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Chapter 18: It Couldn't Have Been Me...or Could It?
Today I listened to my 2 favorite radio shows and I listened to the commentary about Juanita Bynum and her husband's public domestic dispute in Georgia. What I find interesting about all of this is the fact that because she and her husband we both ministers...well known ministers, many people have been on a consistent rampage about this. The sad part is that there are women who are abused daily whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, why are they so different other than the fame. They are no different from everyone else because they are just as we are--people and not GOD. It is very sad because regardless of what the situation was, it is not right for her husband to beat her, choke her, and stump her, especially in public. When I think about some of the things that I hear, I often hear about women saying that "It couldn't be me because I would have..." and "women who live like this want to be there because they don't get out of the relationship." My problem with this is the fact that anything can happen to anyone for any reason at any time. I don't care how strong you think you are even some of the strongest women get caught up; not because they want to, but because they can't pull themselves out. That doesn't make you less than a women or anything. Yes, there are signs and when you learn how to figure them out and see them, things make better sense, but we shouldn't down other women for the things that they may go through. It's kinda like being on drugs, you may know that it's bad, but there is something there that still feels good. It may even be that the person is waiting for someone else, but there is no one else and they can feel a sense of defeat. When you feel like that--or maybe even feel depressed it takes you to a whole 'nother level of a low. That is another reason women may not leave. In a lot of situations, it is simply because it's not that easy to get away from either.
I hate hypocrites. In a conversation that I had with a group of women and young ladies we talked about getting caught up and how men operate. By now I can say that I got the game and that hindsight is 20/20, but I can't forget about the woman that I used to be. I hate when women bash other women for doing some of the same things that they once did. That's like formally being a whore and then bashing other whores because now you've grown up. You have to remember the frame of mind that you used to have and think about ways you can help somebody else who may still be in that mindset. Don't throw stones at her because you think that you've been saved and you are above her now. That, to me, is a sign of immaturity. I think that haters and hypocrites are too full of themselves.
I have been in abusive relationships before and I have been able to escape, but a good example for me would be the fact that one of the men that was abusive had all of the other characteristics that I liked and her reminded me of my father. For that reason, I saw past his occasional slick comments and I focused on the positive. The "moment of truth" came when he cursed me out and he told me that he wasn't doing this for his health. He was coming to see me and that he needed for me to make out to see him. Not to mention the open bottle of beer that I saw in his truck one evening. And that's just one of the instances with one of the men. So I say that to say that you can have a lot of criticism from other people, but until it's them, they have little room to criticize. To the other women in the world who listen to thier girlfriends talk about the men in thier lives who may be abusive please don't encourage your girl to look at the positive things in him and don't listen to her when she's hurting and say that you've had worse. There is nothing worse than hearing a friend tell you that they have had worse and you are hurting and simply need someone to listen and possibly help you. Emotional pain is like a bleeding cut, it needs attention too. I am not advocating domestic violence, neither am I saying that anyone should stay in situations like that, but I am saying that people do what people do and no one is exempt from anything regardless of how strong you are or who you are. All in all, abuse on all levels is wrong, but as people we need to be willing to help each other deal with our own lives and bring each other up and not to knock each other back down. It sounds so clichesh, but we need to listen and help heal each other. People shouldn't be hitting each other or verbally or emotionally abusing people like that. I know that it sounds fairy tale like, but it can happen.
I hate hypocrites. In a conversation that I had with a group of women and young ladies we talked about getting caught up and how men operate. By now I can say that I got the game and that hindsight is 20/20, but I can't forget about the woman that I used to be. I hate when women bash other women for doing some of the same things that they once did. That's like formally being a whore and then bashing other whores because now you've grown up. You have to remember the frame of mind that you used to have and think about ways you can help somebody else who may still be in that mindset. Don't throw stones at her because you think that you've been saved and you are above her now. That, to me, is a sign of immaturity. I think that haters and hypocrites are too full of themselves.
I have been in abusive relationships before and I have been able to escape, but a good example for me would be the fact that one of the men that was abusive had all of the other characteristics that I liked and her reminded me of my father. For that reason, I saw past his occasional slick comments and I focused on the positive. The "moment of truth" came when he cursed me out and he told me that he wasn't doing this for his health. He was coming to see me and that he needed for me to make out to see him. Not to mention the open bottle of beer that I saw in his truck one evening. And that's just one of the instances with one of the men. So I say that to say that you can have a lot of criticism from other people, but until it's them, they have little room to criticize. To the other women in the world who listen to thier girlfriends talk about the men in thier lives who may be abusive please don't encourage your girl to look at the positive things in him and don't listen to her when she's hurting and say that you've had worse. There is nothing worse than hearing a friend tell you that they have had worse and you are hurting and simply need someone to listen and possibly help you. Emotional pain is like a bleeding cut, it needs attention too. I am not advocating domestic violence, neither am I saying that anyone should stay in situations like that, but I am saying that people do what people do and no one is exempt from anything regardless of how strong you are or who you are. All in all, abuse on all levels is wrong, but as people we need to be willing to help each other deal with our own lives and bring each other up and not to knock each other back down. It sounds so clichesh, but we need to listen and help heal each other. People shouldn't be hitting each other or verbally or emotionally abusing people like that. I know that it sounds fairy tale like, but it can happen.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Chapter 17: The True Definition of a Woman...?
I went back to work as a teacher three days ago. This year I am more confident in my craft as a teacher and I can honestly say that I am truly gifted at what I do. I believe that being an educator is part of my calling from God. I am also a school counseling intern at the school that I work at. What I found intersting, and I have always felt this way, is that I primarily have the most problems with the adults that I work with--not the high school students. I am 25 years old and I have been teaching for 4 years now. I have always been the "young one" so to speak. My problem, especially working in a new department is that I feel dupped and underminded already. I get the impression from my co-workers that they think that I am afraid of everything and that I am inexperienced in life, primarily because I am quiet, I smile often, and I am soft-spoken. What I find funny is that being quiet and soft-spoken is part of my personality. I am quite a force when it comes to working in my own classroom. The children know what the deal is and it is extremely funny to me when doubters come into my room and see order and the children are afraid to get up to do things because they know how I act. It is very true when it was said that you should never judge a book by its cover or a gift by its wrapping because you never know when you are entertaining angels.
It is amazing to me when women say that this person or that person is weak. I have been called weak before or the question is "I don't see how you did that because I would have...." or "You stupid for that because I would have..." I don't think that that is a sign of weakness at all. The bible says to watch your words, treat others like you want to be treated and to be quick to forgive and slow to anger, right? So why is it that when an individual does this we as people look at it as a sign of weakness? Why do people confess that they love Jesus but refuse to live like him? Jesus as a man loved even the dumbest and most unlikely people and he endured unfair treatment because he knew who held his hand. It is not always pleasant or the best idea to endure unjust treatment, but I believe that God is pleased when you do what you have to do without having to be rude or cause a rucus. It is kinda like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X. Of the two which do we commemorate or celebrate the most...Dr. King. He was the more non-violent one right? That is hillarious for people to believe that the strongest women are those who make the most noise and have to fight every battle toe to toe. These people are often called the "high maintenance" women.
I had an epiphany while was riding home from class tonight. I recognized why women can often come off as "high maintenance" or quick to anger. Often we are trying to uphold a front or the whole attitude that you're not going to run over me or you are not going to get the last laugh because we want the world to know that we are strong. I tend to believe that it is quite different. Strength is not something that you have to go out and broadcast--it just is. No one ever questions buildings and bridges on a daily basis to see if they are strong enough---they just simply do thier jobs. They stand still and they ultimately let God do what he does best. In my opinion, people should be the same way. We shouldn't walk around boasting about how strong we are--we should just do it. That is what I think a true woman is, one who uniquely stands on her own without definition, but with assurance and tenacity. If only the strong survive, she should be the last one standing! That is me. When everyone else would have or has long quit, I have held on no matter what happens or has happened. That is what a conqueror, a survivor, and a real woman does. Truthfully, I think that it's a cop out when we have to be vocal about whether we think someone else is strong enough or "real" enough. Sometimes we do things like this because we don't want the attention on ourselves--so we talk about others before other people can get a chance to talk about us.
I carry myself well and I have had to fight many battles that I have never uttered to other people. I enjoy the fact that because I am not vocal about those things that have tried to bring me down in my life, other people tend to believe that I am not strong enough or in the words of one of my bosses..."not ready." (Of course, I proved to him that I was indeed ready as I quietly got another job and had my recruiter to call him to say "I have B and we are taking her away. She starts with me on Monday." ) So I say all of this to say that it's cool. Today I had a good day as a teacher, but as an intern I wanted to scream and cry because I felt like I was being underminded and asked to do things that I was never taught and because I didn't know it was almost as though I was looked upon as being weak. I am truly the definition of a fighter and a real woman. Not because of what I demand, but because of how I live. I try to live Christian-like, eventhough it gets hard sometimes. Some people seem like they are trying to make me miss heaven, but it's all good. I just need to get over this hurdle so that I can move on. At this point, after 4 years, I am ready for a new school. But, I have to say, as I tend to say often instead of "going along, to get along," I have to "get along, to go along" so that I can continue to aim higher.
Above all, I have remembered not only the fact that I love helping children, but the other reason why I like teaching. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be famous and because I am a quite person, I wanted to have a chance for everyone to one day to just listen to me. Teaching is my platform to harbor my closet acting career! For the first time in my life when I became a teacher I had a chance to speak and people would willfully listen. I had become an actress! All in all, I'm glad that I became a teacher prior to becoming a counselor because I understand how the system and the business of a school works and I know how to interact with teachers, parents, and students. It has made me a better person...but I digress. There's more to come...
It is amazing to me when women say that this person or that person is weak. I have been called weak before or the question is "I don't see how you did that because I would have...." or "You stupid for that because I would have..." I don't think that that is a sign of weakness at all. The bible says to watch your words, treat others like you want to be treated and to be quick to forgive and slow to anger, right? So why is it that when an individual does this we as people look at it as a sign of weakness? Why do people confess that they love Jesus but refuse to live like him? Jesus as a man loved even the dumbest and most unlikely people and he endured unfair treatment because he knew who held his hand. It is not always pleasant or the best idea to endure unjust treatment, but I believe that God is pleased when you do what you have to do without having to be rude or cause a rucus. It is kinda like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X. Of the two which do we commemorate or celebrate the most...Dr. King. He was the more non-violent one right? That is hillarious for people to believe that the strongest women are those who make the most noise and have to fight every battle toe to toe. These people are often called the "high maintenance" women.
I had an epiphany while was riding home from class tonight. I recognized why women can often come off as "high maintenance" or quick to anger. Often we are trying to uphold a front or the whole attitude that you're not going to run over me or you are not going to get the last laugh because we want the world to know that we are strong. I tend to believe that it is quite different. Strength is not something that you have to go out and broadcast--it just is. No one ever questions buildings and bridges on a daily basis to see if they are strong enough---they just simply do thier jobs. They stand still and they ultimately let God do what he does best. In my opinion, people should be the same way. We shouldn't walk around boasting about how strong we are--we should just do it. That is what I think a true woman is, one who uniquely stands on her own without definition, but with assurance and tenacity. If only the strong survive, she should be the last one standing! That is me. When everyone else would have or has long quit, I have held on no matter what happens or has happened. That is what a conqueror, a survivor, and a real woman does. Truthfully, I think that it's a cop out when we have to be vocal about whether we think someone else is strong enough or "real" enough. Sometimes we do things like this because we don't want the attention on ourselves--so we talk about others before other people can get a chance to talk about us.
I carry myself well and I have had to fight many battles that I have never uttered to other people. I enjoy the fact that because I am not vocal about those things that have tried to bring me down in my life, other people tend to believe that I am not strong enough or in the words of one of my bosses..."not ready." (Of course, I proved to him that I was indeed ready as I quietly got another job and had my recruiter to call him to say "I have B and we are taking her away. She starts with me on Monday." ) So I say all of this to say that it's cool. Today I had a good day as a teacher, but as an intern I wanted to scream and cry because I felt like I was being underminded and asked to do things that I was never taught and because I didn't know it was almost as though I was looked upon as being weak. I am truly the definition of a fighter and a real woman. Not because of what I demand, but because of how I live. I try to live Christian-like, eventhough it gets hard sometimes. Some people seem like they are trying to make me miss heaven, but it's all good. I just need to get over this hurdle so that I can move on. At this point, after 4 years, I am ready for a new school. But, I have to say, as I tend to say often instead of "going along, to get along," I have to "get along, to go along" so that I can continue to aim higher.
Above all, I have remembered not only the fact that I love helping children, but the other reason why I like teaching. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be famous and because I am a quite person, I wanted to have a chance for everyone to one day to just listen to me. Teaching is my platform to harbor my closet acting career! For the first time in my life when I became a teacher I had a chance to speak and people would willfully listen. I had become an actress! All in all, I'm glad that I became a teacher prior to becoming a counselor because I understand how the system and the business of a school works and I know how to interact with teachers, parents, and students. It has made me a better person...but I digress. There's more to come...
Monday, August 13, 2007
Chapter 16: Turning Off the Radio...
I'm a mess right now. I have to admit that I feel down. Growing up in the south one of the many cliches' that I heard was "she don't play the radio." All this means is that you don't play games. Right now, I honestly feel like that. Today I went back to my teaching job to get things set up for the first day of school and to attend a meeting with the school counseling department. I am interning in that department and I am teaching two classes of reading and English this semester. I have been going through this with my current job for several years now about how I was going to work out my intership and work at the same time. This year was different, however I felt more optimistic and I felt faithful in what was going on and that everything would be fine. And despite what I am feeling, I am still confident and faithful, but I got to be honest with myself in saying that it doesn't feel good. So I went ahead and I went to work today to meet with the other counselors. One of the counselors was due to go on maternity leave in September, but God stepped in and she had the baby a few days ago. All this time, I was thinking that the counseling department would let me fill in for her as she would only be gone for 6 weeks, and as a result, I could get paid as a "permanent sub" and make money as a full time employee instead of a part time employee. As you can probably guess, that didn't happen.
Last year there was a similar incident and my co-worker had to leave due to medical concerns. I applied for that position as well being that I work with her population of students and she and I both thought that it would be good experience. I felt as though the adminstration underminded me as I was called in for an interview without any notice and I was given 10 minutes to get to the office for the interview. I was really hurt and not to mention unprepared, but I put my best foot forward. I didn't get the position and the administration felt the need to explain themselves to me by saying that they wanted to get someone who was already "paper ready" or had thier degree already. In that I understood, but the way that they did it was rude and wrong.
So as I was looking through my mail before the meeting started today, I looked up and I saw, her...the lady who took the position last year. I had grown to be respectful and not resentful to her during the last part of last school year because she didn't know, but today it didn't take long for me to see what was going on. So just to keep me from jumping to conclusions, I glanced over at the bags that were prepared for the other counselors and I saw my name and her name on the same bag. The administration had done it again. Instead of allowing me to fill in, they called her at the last minute to come to work. I truly understand why they did this, but it just isn't cool when you are trying to pay the bills. I bought my home last year on a tight budget. I need at least $2,000 to pay my bills each month. My salary for this semester is half of that. While I know that the Lord will pull me through this one. I stand still, sorta hurt, and more less, confused. For awhile as I was sitting in a meeting with these people, I almost wished that someone would have slapped me in the face instead of underminding me again. At least I could physically feel the pain because the internal and emotional pain stings a little more. But I have to look at it as purposeful and know that things like this build character somehow. Still, I am a little sad, yet I understand. No matter what, my God is faithful.
I have sent off for information regarding home equity loans and personal loans because I have exhausted all of my options concerning student loans. To date, I am in debt nearly $30,000 in student loans. The maximum amount that I receive will cover my tuition and after the tuition is paid, I will be left with only $500. Ain't that 'bout a 'it. I have been working on this degree for nearly 4 years. I have been working on my certification as an English teacher and getting reading endorsement so that I could at least keep my teaching job in the state of Florida, therefore it is taking me a little longer than most people. Initially, I was set to graduate in December because I thought that my school would have my back somehow, by allowing me to intern full time and receive pay, but today, it has become a little clearer that I won't graduate in Decemeber, in fact , I will be graduating in May 2008. This truly breaks my heart. Rationally, I understand, but again, I'm just really hurt.
When I spoke to some of my "friends" who were counselors also, they told me that the likelihood of me becoming a counselor before I completed my degree program was slim, but I know that it could happen because the young lady who went on maternity leave got her job 1 month after she was working her job as an unpaid intern at my school. I was hurt simply because they had her back and didn't have mine, especially considering the fact that I've been working there for 3 years. My "friend" offered me a job working for her tutoring center, but that fell through as she hired someone else and she couldn't afford to hire me because her job situation didn't come through. She offered me a job as a teacher the other day, but I don't know whether to believe her. Her comment was can you just work part-time at your school. Right now, I have no other choice. I need almost $1,000 more each month to pay all of my bills. I thought about getting another part-time job, but I'm not so sure if that's feasible, teaching, going to school, and working a side job. Working full time and going to school was more than enough all of this time. While getting a home was no one's fault, but my own, I know that I prayed dilligently for it and I received it. I know that God wouldn't pull me out this far to leave me alone.
So today, I say that I'm turning off the radio. It was already on the lowest volume possible because I'm quite frankly tired of stupid people. The radio goes off because in the times when I was kind and friendly, those were the times when I got hurt the most. Truthfully, I don't have time to play. I know that the bible says be ye not weary of well doing, becase in due season you will reap what you sew, but truthfully I don't want to be concerned with too many people this school year. At my job especially. I'm not rude, neither am I bitter, but in order to protect my heart I need to keep my distance. It is simply not like me to be rude and standoffish, but it is what it is. Whatever God wants is cool with me, but I simply need direction and a hug would be nice. This is just how I feel.
Last year there was a similar incident and my co-worker had to leave due to medical concerns. I applied for that position as well being that I work with her population of students and she and I both thought that it would be good experience. I felt as though the adminstration underminded me as I was called in for an interview without any notice and I was given 10 minutes to get to the office for the interview. I was really hurt and not to mention unprepared, but I put my best foot forward. I didn't get the position and the administration felt the need to explain themselves to me by saying that they wanted to get someone who was already "paper ready" or had thier degree already. In that I understood, but the way that they did it was rude and wrong.
So as I was looking through my mail before the meeting started today, I looked up and I saw, her...the lady who took the position last year. I had grown to be respectful and not resentful to her during the last part of last school year because she didn't know, but today it didn't take long for me to see what was going on. So just to keep me from jumping to conclusions, I glanced over at the bags that were prepared for the other counselors and I saw my name and her name on the same bag. The administration had done it again. Instead of allowing me to fill in, they called her at the last minute to come to work. I truly understand why they did this, but it just isn't cool when you are trying to pay the bills. I bought my home last year on a tight budget. I need at least $2,000 to pay my bills each month. My salary for this semester is half of that. While I know that the Lord will pull me through this one. I stand still, sorta hurt, and more less, confused. For awhile as I was sitting in a meeting with these people, I almost wished that someone would have slapped me in the face instead of underminding me again. At least I could physically feel the pain because the internal and emotional pain stings a little more. But I have to look at it as purposeful and know that things like this build character somehow. Still, I am a little sad, yet I understand. No matter what, my God is faithful.
I have sent off for information regarding home equity loans and personal loans because I have exhausted all of my options concerning student loans. To date, I am in debt nearly $30,000 in student loans. The maximum amount that I receive will cover my tuition and after the tuition is paid, I will be left with only $500. Ain't that 'bout a 'it. I have been working on this degree for nearly 4 years. I have been working on my certification as an English teacher and getting reading endorsement so that I could at least keep my teaching job in the state of Florida, therefore it is taking me a little longer than most people. Initially, I was set to graduate in December because I thought that my school would have my back somehow, by allowing me to intern full time and receive pay, but today, it has become a little clearer that I won't graduate in Decemeber, in fact , I will be graduating in May 2008. This truly breaks my heart. Rationally, I understand, but again, I'm just really hurt.
When I spoke to some of my "friends" who were counselors also, they told me that the likelihood of me becoming a counselor before I completed my degree program was slim, but I know that it could happen because the young lady who went on maternity leave got her job 1 month after she was working her job as an unpaid intern at my school. I was hurt simply because they had her back and didn't have mine, especially considering the fact that I've been working there for 3 years. My "friend" offered me a job working for her tutoring center, but that fell through as she hired someone else and she couldn't afford to hire me because her job situation didn't come through. She offered me a job as a teacher the other day, but I don't know whether to believe her. Her comment was can you just work part-time at your school. Right now, I have no other choice. I need almost $1,000 more each month to pay all of my bills. I thought about getting another part-time job, but I'm not so sure if that's feasible, teaching, going to school, and working a side job. Working full time and going to school was more than enough all of this time. While getting a home was no one's fault, but my own, I know that I prayed dilligently for it and I received it. I know that God wouldn't pull me out this far to leave me alone.
So today, I say that I'm turning off the radio. It was already on the lowest volume possible because I'm quite frankly tired of stupid people. The radio goes off because in the times when I was kind and friendly, those were the times when I got hurt the most. Truthfully, I don't have time to play. I know that the bible says be ye not weary of well doing, becase in due season you will reap what you sew, but truthfully I don't want to be concerned with too many people this school year. At my job especially. I'm not rude, neither am I bitter, but in order to protect my heart I need to keep my distance. It is simply not like me to be rude and standoffish, but it is what it is. Whatever God wants is cool with me, but I simply need direction and a hug would be nice. This is just how I feel.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Chapter 15: It's All Relative
Hurt is relative just like one's opinion is relative to one's experiences or life view. I laid awake for a long time last night and I began to think about a lot of things in my life. I've learned to monitor what I say and to whom I say it to for a lot of reasons. I've been in survival mode for years now and it is one of the ways in which I've been able to make it each day. I'm mature enough in my own consciousness to know that there are indeed people who are going through extremely adverse situations, but sometimes it has been hard for me to understand some people's ways and be objective and considerate when I sometimes end up being the person who feels some of thier pain and rath.
I was watching Forrest Gump the other day and I got really sad. I started to cry when I saw the part of the movie when Jenny comes back home before she gets pregnant and she says to Forrest, "I'm sorry for anything that I've done to you. I was really messed up then." It is amazing to me that some people can apologize for thier behavior way after the event of the pain. A friend of mine apologized to me several years later for the pain that he caused me. He blamed the behavior on the notion that he was going through a lot during that time in his life as a result, he indicated that he didn't intentionally do anything to hurt me. Being me, I forgave him, but it didn't change the way that I felt in my heart over the years. I knew that he was going through a tough time, (which is part of the reason that I dealt with him because I knew that if it were me, I would have needed a friend) but it didn't excuse the emotional abuse that I felt. Today, however I felt a different emotion.
I have never been the type of person to have many close friends. I know so many people and I have pretty good relationships with each of them, but very few I consider to be among my circle of close friends. Today, however I was curious and I looked up a young lady that I knew from when I was younger in the department of corrections database. I was told that she had been locked up for something that I considered to be silly, but I wasn't sure if I believed it. When I found her, I just stared at the screen for awhile. I didn't know what to think. At that moment, prison and jail time seemed more real to me than ever. A lot of my family members have been locked up, but for some reason, this one hit more closely to home---maybe because she was female--I don't know--or maybe it was because my parents trusted me in her care? It took me to another place as I better understand that people sometimes are in another world in thier own minds and they don't neccesarily have time to worry about you, your feelings, and how they treat you in the process.
A friend of mine told me that the reason that he smoked weed was because it was the only way that he could deal with some of the things that he feels. I had to get smart and say that I thought that that was a cop out, but he responded by saying that if I had dealt with some of the things that he did when we were growing up, I would be smoking too. Eventhough I think that "life ain't been no crystal stair" for me either and I don't see a need to smoke or drink excessively, I in some strange way understand where he is coming from. When I saw my friend's record, I thought about her sister and her behavior. When I really thought about it, I know why (in some ways) her sister acts the way that she does. In essence, it is all relative. Hurt affects everyone and it is really clear that we all behave and react to things differently. What made me sad is the fact that there are so many things that one can not know about the people in their lives. I sincerely had no clue.
The reason that I cried when I saw Forrest Gump that day was not because I was emotional, but because I actually saw parts of myself in Forrest. For just one small moment in time I had become him. Eventhough Jenny had been so hurtful to him at times, he sincerely loved her regardless of the behavior or the circumstances. He didn't do anything to deserve it from her and I'm not so sure that he questioned whether it was his fault at any time, but so strangely and innocently, none of that mattered. She had no idea of how she was acting at times because he simply said nothing. She was always the apple of his eye no matter what and that' s how I have been in some cases. The aforementioned friend was a person in whom I believed I loved and for years, I felt hurt, but I still loved him. In my heart I knew that he didn't mean it. One day proved that to me, but somehow it still didn't make sense. He came to visit me for the first time in months and he looked at my degree and said "how do you pronounce your middle name?" When he said that it took me to a whole 'nother place as we had been "dating" off and on for at least 2 or 3 years. He sincerely acted like he didn't know my name. Not to mention the fact that he forgets my birthday every year even though it is the day after his sister's birthday. (I do need to add that he often remembers the day or so after.) At that time I realized that (and I hope that) he didn't intentionally do that. He had just never made it a point to concern himself with those things. He was too busy fighting himself to worry about me. In this situation, not that I was a perfect angel or anything, but I was innocent there because I didn't do anything to deserve that from him. Now I'm on another level and I realize that it's not right, but it's okay. I can learn from him. This in part, is my theory of relativity. Everyone has issues...I have enough to subscribe to. As I think about the guy from the last chapter, I realize that people are creatures of habit, environment, and experience. He simply didn't and doesn't know what to do with me. I was amazed to hear him say that one day. I knew this for some time now, but I am not that arrogant. For years, I felt like everything was always my fault; afterall, usually when people do things to you it can be partly because you brought it upon yourself or your own behavior caused them to react that way. Coming from where we're from a woman like me is not in vogue and being raised in his family, I didn't fit the bill. I am greatful that God has watched over me all of the days of my life, because I loved him blindly. He only being who he is...and with all due respect he is a good man, a hard worker, a good listener, funny, kind, and very insightful. I really appreciate that part of his character, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that he is (and so am I) still young and he is behaving based on things that he has seen in his life, his habits, his nature, and his experience. Inside of me I feel sad, bad, and confused about our relationship and the status of it at this point, but I can say that I do understand it better today than I did on yesterday.
While this applies to others, it also applies to me as I feel that I am misunderstood to a degree. I simply want people to know that I have had my share of struggles too. It may not be the same struggles as those I have witnessed, but I do have them and I deal with them very dfferently. My brother likes to tell me that "B, you have seen a lot more than you give yourself credit for. We grew up with the trap at the end of the road and we grew up around a lot of drugs and alcohol." I took that with me when I began working in the counseling clinic because I felt that somehow I wouldn't have enough "pain and struggle" credibility as a counselor because I look innocent and I am extremely calm in most situations. Again I say that my theory of relativity is the fact that we all hurt, some greater than others, but it is definitely real...no matter how great or small. The problem is that we need to be conscious of the world around us even when we are under pressure and pain. In other words, we need to be careful not to hurt those around us and we should be careful in how we respond to others when we are the ones being hurt. Does that make sense?
I was watching Forrest Gump the other day and I got really sad. I started to cry when I saw the part of the movie when Jenny comes back home before she gets pregnant and she says to Forrest, "I'm sorry for anything that I've done to you. I was really messed up then." It is amazing to me that some people can apologize for thier behavior way after the event of the pain. A friend of mine apologized to me several years later for the pain that he caused me. He blamed the behavior on the notion that he was going through a lot during that time in his life as a result, he indicated that he didn't intentionally do anything to hurt me. Being me, I forgave him, but it didn't change the way that I felt in my heart over the years. I knew that he was going through a tough time, (which is part of the reason that I dealt with him because I knew that if it were me, I would have needed a friend) but it didn't excuse the emotional abuse that I felt. Today, however I felt a different emotion.
I have never been the type of person to have many close friends. I know so many people and I have pretty good relationships with each of them, but very few I consider to be among my circle of close friends. Today, however I was curious and I looked up a young lady that I knew from when I was younger in the department of corrections database. I was told that she had been locked up for something that I considered to be silly, but I wasn't sure if I believed it. When I found her, I just stared at the screen for awhile. I didn't know what to think. At that moment, prison and jail time seemed more real to me than ever. A lot of my family members have been locked up, but for some reason, this one hit more closely to home---maybe because she was female--I don't know--or maybe it was because my parents trusted me in her care? It took me to another place as I better understand that people sometimes are in another world in thier own minds and they don't neccesarily have time to worry about you, your feelings, and how they treat you in the process.
A friend of mine told me that the reason that he smoked weed was because it was the only way that he could deal with some of the things that he feels. I had to get smart and say that I thought that that was a cop out, but he responded by saying that if I had dealt with some of the things that he did when we were growing up, I would be smoking too. Eventhough I think that "life ain't been no crystal stair" for me either and I don't see a need to smoke or drink excessively, I in some strange way understand where he is coming from. When I saw my friend's record, I thought about her sister and her behavior. When I really thought about it, I know why (in some ways) her sister acts the way that she does. In essence, it is all relative. Hurt affects everyone and it is really clear that we all behave and react to things differently. What made me sad is the fact that there are so many things that one can not know about the people in their lives. I sincerely had no clue.
The reason that I cried when I saw Forrest Gump that day was not because I was emotional, but because I actually saw parts of myself in Forrest. For just one small moment in time I had become him. Eventhough Jenny had been so hurtful to him at times, he sincerely loved her regardless of the behavior or the circumstances. He didn't do anything to deserve it from her and I'm not so sure that he questioned whether it was his fault at any time, but so strangely and innocently, none of that mattered. She had no idea of how she was acting at times because he simply said nothing. She was always the apple of his eye no matter what and that' s how I have been in some cases. The aforementioned friend was a person in whom I believed I loved and for years, I felt hurt, but I still loved him. In my heart I knew that he didn't mean it. One day proved that to me, but somehow it still didn't make sense. He came to visit me for the first time in months and he looked at my degree and said "how do you pronounce your middle name?" When he said that it took me to a whole 'nother place as we had been "dating" off and on for at least 2 or 3 years. He sincerely acted like he didn't know my name. Not to mention the fact that he forgets my birthday every year even though it is the day after his sister's birthday. (I do need to add that he often remembers the day or so after.) At that time I realized that (and I hope that) he didn't intentionally do that. He had just never made it a point to concern himself with those things. He was too busy fighting himself to worry about me. In this situation, not that I was a perfect angel or anything, but I was innocent there because I didn't do anything to deserve that from him. Now I'm on another level and I realize that it's not right, but it's okay. I can learn from him. This in part, is my theory of relativity. Everyone has issues...I have enough to subscribe to. As I think about the guy from the last chapter, I realize that people are creatures of habit, environment, and experience. He simply didn't and doesn't know what to do with me. I was amazed to hear him say that one day. I knew this for some time now, but I am not that arrogant. For years, I felt like everything was always my fault; afterall, usually when people do things to you it can be partly because you brought it upon yourself or your own behavior caused them to react that way. Coming from where we're from a woman like me is not in vogue and being raised in his family, I didn't fit the bill. I am greatful that God has watched over me all of the days of my life, because I loved him blindly. He only being who he is...and with all due respect he is a good man, a hard worker, a good listener, funny, kind, and very insightful. I really appreciate that part of his character, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that he is (and so am I) still young and he is behaving based on things that he has seen in his life, his habits, his nature, and his experience. Inside of me I feel sad, bad, and confused about our relationship and the status of it at this point, but I can say that I do understand it better today than I did on yesterday.
While this applies to others, it also applies to me as I feel that I am misunderstood to a degree. I simply want people to know that I have had my share of struggles too. It may not be the same struggles as those I have witnessed, but I do have them and I deal with them very dfferently. My brother likes to tell me that "B, you have seen a lot more than you give yourself credit for. We grew up with the trap at the end of the road and we grew up around a lot of drugs and alcohol." I took that with me when I began working in the counseling clinic because I felt that somehow I wouldn't have enough "pain and struggle" credibility as a counselor because I look innocent and I am extremely calm in most situations. Again I say that my theory of relativity is the fact that we all hurt, some greater than others, but it is definitely real...no matter how great or small. The problem is that we need to be conscious of the world around us even when we are under pressure and pain. In other words, we need to be careful not to hurt those around us and we should be careful in how we respond to others when we are the ones being hurt. Does that make sense?
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Chapter 14: Breaking a Bad Habit
One thing that I know for sure is that I really enjoy writing. It is one of the many things that I truly do well. I may not always do everything right and I may not know how to articulate many of my feelings to other people, but writing makes me happy and I know that it sounds cliche', but I feel free to do and say anything when I'm writing. I have always admired print journalist and other writers because their opinions are anonymous. Here, my thoughts are anonymous to most as well. This is one of the ways in which I get some things out of my system. I am having a hard time letting some people go. It is not because I don't know any better or anything, it's just that I'm not the type of person that easily and readily gets rid of people. I believe that no matter what happens or what a person does, there is always room for improvement and you can always forgive. I may not always forget, but I think that it's possible and almost necessary to forgive. But when I look at things, I think about the Kelly Rowland song, "Bad Habit." I have to do this so that I can get what I'm feeling out of my system...so here it is.
"How many times are you gonna apologize for the same thing and how many times can I take you back when I'm not the one that's doing wrong?
I thought that maybe if I started praying then we would get better, but when I would pray the answer would always come back to me being done, but we are so hard headed when we're in love.
I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems tha you really have a hold on me and every time that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now I gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.
I'm totally out of my element, learning new ways to live, while you're in a comfort zone and not even thinking. So call and when you get mad you buy me gifts. Thinking it's gonna solve every issue. From the girl calling my phone, to the pictures that I saw, and everytime you would break up with me for nothing at all. I've taken all I can take, but the way you live has gotta change.
I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same, I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we breakup we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.
Have you ever loved somebody, so much that you were just too blind to see past all of the pain that they was causing you? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you went against the right thing that you should do? Then it's time to make a change.
I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more."
What's funny is that I know that God will give you the desires of your heart if you ask in his name. The problem is that some of the crazy things in life can be removed if we only ask. I've heard people say that it will happen when you are ready for it to happen. It's sad, but I'm not so sure that I'm ready to let this person go. I'm not the type or person who readily or easily gets rid of people even though the person hurt me. In some twisted way, I think that I believe that one day this person will come back to me in a new frame of mind and we can pick up where we were, but I know that that is a false sense of hope. It's kinda like the Lauryn Hill song, "When it Hurts so Bad"...why does it feel so good? I'm not insecure, but somewhere in my heart it is hard to let this one go....for the last time. It's crazy when you try to get your mind and your heart on one accord and they don't always want to agree. What can I say, I'm a work in progress...
"How many times are you gonna apologize for the same thing and how many times can I take you back when I'm not the one that's doing wrong?
I thought that maybe if I started praying then we would get better, but when I would pray the answer would always come back to me being done, but we are so hard headed when we're in love.
I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems tha you really have a hold on me and every time that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now I gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.
I'm totally out of my element, learning new ways to live, while you're in a comfort zone and not even thinking. So call and when you get mad you buy me gifts. Thinking it's gonna solve every issue. From the girl calling my phone, to the pictures that I saw, and everytime you would break up with me for nothing at all. I've taken all I can take, but the way you live has gotta change.
I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same, I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we breakup we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.
Have you ever loved somebody, so much that you were just too blind to see past all of the pain that they was causing you? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you went against the right thing that you should do? Then it's time to make a change.
I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more."
What's funny is that I know that God will give you the desires of your heart if you ask in his name. The problem is that some of the crazy things in life can be removed if we only ask. I've heard people say that it will happen when you are ready for it to happen. It's sad, but I'm not so sure that I'm ready to let this person go. I'm not the type or person who readily or easily gets rid of people even though the person hurt me. In some twisted way, I think that I believe that one day this person will come back to me in a new frame of mind and we can pick up where we were, but I know that that is a false sense of hope. It's kinda like the Lauryn Hill song, "When it Hurts so Bad"...why does it feel so good? I'm not insecure, but somewhere in my heart it is hard to let this one go....for the last time. It's crazy when you try to get your mind and your heart on one accord and they don't always want to agree. What can I say, I'm a work in progress...
Chapter 13: Learning from the Young World
When I think about my clients that I worked with this summer, I know that there were so many things in them that I saw in myself. One example is my client who couldn't articulate what he was feeling in depth, but he knew that he was sad. I think about myself and I realize that I do the same thing. I think that for me it is a learned behavior because I can remember growing up and when I felt that someone hurt me, I knew that I didn't need to say much because my father would immediately try to make it better for me. I love him dearly for that, but I didn't want trouble so I taught myself not to say much about some things. Even when my heart was broken, I didn't want anyone else to know that I was hurting because I didn't know what they would or could do, if there was anything to be done. I sat in the adolescent playroom with my client that day and I wanted to cry. I couldn't stay there so I decided to talk to my supervisor about what I was feeling and then I had to rush back into the room. When I realized that's what it was, I knew that in that moment I was no different from him and that his inability to articulate himself was almost like a type of control mechanism. It is interesting when we look in the figurative mirror at ourselves in other people.
Another thing that I noticed in my other clients is the notion that when I feel backed up in a corner, I stumble over what I intend to say or I stray from responding. My ADHD client, when he felt too much pressure he would change the subject, go play with one of the toys, or he would simply lie. I don't consider myself to be a bonifide liar, but I know that I tend not to tell all that I intend to say about a given subject out of fear or sometime I simply don't want to go there. It wasn't funny when I was working with that client, but it is funny now. I also noticed in my female clients that they felt that if they were to disclose too much information, they felt that they may be judged or watched too closely. What is funny is the notion that I feel the same way. I try not to tell my business to too many people in depth because I feel that I may be unnecessarily misjudged. In essence, I learned and I am still learning from young people that there are some things that we all struggle with and no matter how grown we think that we get or have gotten, they are traits and situations in us that we are consistently trying to correct.
Another thing that I noticed in my other clients is the notion that when I feel backed up in a corner, I stumble over what I intend to say or I stray from responding. My ADHD client, when he felt too much pressure he would change the subject, go play with one of the toys, or he would simply lie. I don't consider myself to be a bonifide liar, but I know that I tend not to tell all that I intend to say about a given subject out of fear or sometime I simply don't want to go there. It wasn't funny when I was working with that client, but it is funny now. I also noticed in my female clients that they felt that if they were to disclose too much information, they felt that they may be judged or watched too closely. What is funny is the notion that I feel the same way. I try not to tell my business to too many people in depth because I feel that I may be unnecessarily misjudged. In essence, I learned and I am still learning from young people that there are some things that we all struggle with and no matter how grown we think that we get or have gotten, they are traits and situations in us that we are consistently trying to correct.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Chapter 12: The Journey is Almost Over
This summer was eventful. I didn't want to teach summer school this summer because I felt like I needed to shift gears a little. I worked at a university as an advior, I took my practicum class where I counseled three clients, I facilitated support groups for Schizophrenic clients, and I taught an SAT prep course. I was also in the July issue of Essence Magazine for the highlighted book clubs in the country! I was sooo surprised, but excited. To say the least, after all of my work experience, I am tired, but I feel like I have grown tremendously. I worked in first year advising and exploration advising and counseling students seeking coursework in the College of Sciences with social sciences, sociology, psychology, anthropology, and legal studies as majors. I really enjoyed this, but I know that I would like to work in the K-12 school setting; there's more money there. :) My counseling experience, however was much different. In the beginning, I wasn't sure if I could use what I learned in the classroom and take it into the clinic because I was at a place where I felt like I didn't learn very much and I was the only student in the class that had the counseling techniques course almost two years ago. I also felt like, I was never going to use any of this in the school setting. I worked with four children. One child was severely ADHD, one was dealing with divorce, one was mildly retarded and bi-polar, and the last had been abused, kicked-out of school, and suicidal. Amazingly I learned a lot and I grew into my own style as a counselor. I feel like I have done a 360 from who I was when I entered into the program and who I am now. I connected very well with each of my clients as I saw little parts of me or people I knew in each of them. I think that that was important for me to heal. One thing that I saw in one of them was the notion that he couldn't elaborate on what he was feeling. He knew that he was sad, but there were so many things that he was doing in the run of a day that he didn't allow himself to think or focus on the hurt. In that session, when I discovered that in the client, I had to leave the room because I was fighting back tears. The child and the adult in me understood him so closely. I do the exact same thing. I live in survival mode often...that is all that I know how to do. I also related to some of my clients in the fact that they felt vulnerable and unheard sometimes. I'm glad that I had that experience, but I am also glad that it's over.
My other interesting endeavour was working in the mental health facility. I was terrified at first because the place seemed so "sterile." I didn't want anyone to have an episode while we were in group because I felt as though I wouldn't know what to do. I also was a little scared to be there because I thought that it would be a lot like the psychiatric wards that we see on television. After watching other groups there for about a week I felt confident. I realised that the clients were people too, they just had medical concerns and life's strains and struggles caused many of them to have episodes. Thankfully no one had an episode. It was funny, however when I tried to leave the center and I was locked in. I almost had a fit myself! The doors are locked on both sides so that clients won't break out. So I had to calm down quickly to get someone to let me out. I wasn't ready! The experience there made me more thankful for my life and my mind. I am more at ease when the mental healthcare system because as a school counseling student, I didn't have a real concept of it. The SAT class made me appreciate my journey in this life and I discovered that working with children is my calling. My counseling supervior in the clinic told me that I have an amazing balance when working with kids. I can make a child respect me, I can maintain that playful and supportive rapport with them. I looked her in her eyes and I truly believe her. My teaching career was something that I was born to do, but I felt like I was placed there because I tried to escape it. My studies as a counselor were something that my parents encouraged me to do first instead of getting a master's degree in curriculm and instruction, so I felt placed there as well, but I believe that God uses people as uniforms to lead and guide us to the places that he wants us to be sometimes because we can't do it on our own. Ultimately, I know that God has me exactly where he wants me to be placed. I can honestly say that there is nothing that I can't do after this summer. Right now, however I am trying to get myself back into the mode of being Ms. B the English teacher. I have to get my evil diva teacher mind together. Lol. I'm not on my A game, but I will be on it soon. I have a big task ahead of me, I will work both as a teacher and a school counselor at the same time in the fall. More growth and more work, but the journey of going to graduate school for the first time is almost over.
My other interesting endeavour was working in the mental health facility. I was terrified at first because the place seemed so "sterile." I didn't want anyone to have an episode while we were in group because I felt as though I wouldn't know what to do. I also was a little scared to be there because I thought that it would be a lot like the psychiatric wards that we see on television. After watching other groups there for about a week I felt confident. I realised that the clients were people too, they just had medical concerns and life's strains and struggles caused many of them to have episodes. Thankfully no one had an episode. It was funny, however when I tried to leave the center and I was locked in. I almost had a fit myself! The doors are locked on both sides so that clients won't break out. So I had to calm down quickly to get someone to let me out. I wasn't ready! The experience there made me more thankful for my life and my mind. I am more at ease when the mental healthcare system because as a school counseling student, I didn't have a real concept of it. The SAT class made me appreciate my journey in this life and I discovered that working with children is my calling. My counseling supervior in the clinic told me that I have an amazing balance when working with kids. I can make a child respect me, I can maintain that playful and supportive rapport with them. I looked her in her eyes and I truly believe her. My teaching career was something that I was born to do, but I felt like I was placed there because I tried to escape it. My studies as a counselor were something that my parents encouraged me to do first instead of getting a master's degree in curriculm and instruction, so I felt placed there as well, but I believe that God uses people as uniforms to lead and guide us to the places that he wants us to be sometimes because we can't do it on our own. Ultimately, I know that God has me exactly where he wants me to be placed. I can honestly say that there is nothing that I can't do after this summer. Right now, however I am trying to get myself back into the mode of being Ms. B the English teacher. I have to get my evil diva teacher mind together. Lol. I'm not on my A game, but I will be on it soon. I have a big task ahead of me, I will work both as a teacher and a school counselor at the same time in the fall. More growth and more work, but the journey of going to graduate school for the first time is almost over.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Chapter 11: Gettin' Grown
At what point does one really feel grown? Is it when you have an opportunity to live outside of your mother's home? Is it when you make all of your own decisions? Is it when you walk across the stage to shake hands with a person whom you may have never seen face to face to receive your diploma or degree? Or is it when you get a real job? I stand at a point when I have to question what adulthood means. I have come to a point in which I believe that when you are grown there are some things that truly don't matter anymore like whether so and so will be your friends if you tell them the truth or will this man really love me when I tell him the truth. I am standing alone at 25 and I understand that there are so many things that I have had overcome to reach this juncture in my life.
Throughout the year, I have made a conscious decision to back away from some people in my life. Yes, I know that people make mistakes and those who are your friends are bound to hurt you and you are bound to hurt them at some point, but there is one thing that I do know for sure and it's the fact that I have to protect my heart and my feelings. My mom and my grandfather say that all you have in this life (along with the Lord) is your name and your feelings. I agree with that. So I say that to say that it doesn't matter anymore about anyone else and what they do or think because people can't help but be people and they will say and do just about anything. I care about me. Blessed is he who doesn't seek counsel among the ungodly or unwise...in other words "everybody ain't got a word."
What I find funny in every day conversations is how judgemental people can be when listening to one's life experiences. Being that I am a counselor, one of the first things that I learned was that when you are presented with a client you are not supposed to give advice. You are supposed to listen and give positive un-biased regard to that individual because it is not the counselor's job to judge, but it is their job to lead the client to thier own recovery. I have been saved by the grace and love of God from so many things when men are concerned. I am one of the only people that I know that didn't immediately go on a journey to definitively call themselves grown when they left home...to put it plainly, I didn't get buck wild when I went to college. My parents did a good job of letting us have a little bit of freedom when we were growing up so that when we got older it wasn't that serious to "wild out" so to speak. I have to be easy on myself and say that I think that I have done well for myself. I have made it this far without a baby and STDs or hospital bills from a domestic violence dispute. I can say that I haven't stalked a man before. I haven't completely lost my mind behind one either. I have held on to my integrity in some strangely amazing ways, but what I have a hard time listening to is other's criticism of me when I do open up about some of the things that I have gone through.
I think that it's funny when women mention that they wouldn't have dealt with this man and that man or they hint to the notion that maybe I don't love myself because if I did, I wouldn't be involved with certain men. When I hear things I realise that I can't control what others will say to me, but I can control how I respond and how I feel when it is said. I like to think about something that Susan Taylor, the editoral director of Essence magazine, said, "I didn't understand that I wasn't a bad girl, only a child seeking love." I think for me, when dealing with my crazy and short lived relationships it wasn't that I didn't love myself, I was able to stand on my own, but I did it because in my relationships with other people there was a lack of sincerity on thier part. For that reason, I stuck with the men in hopes that they would be the sincere person that I needed. I was raised to make things work out. I don't know any different than that. It's not that I didn't have God, it is just human to want companionship on earth. Everyone has a coping mechanism or a system of personal control and for me it was to try to make sense of things and to be forgiving. I felt like if I could be kind and loving I would, according to "the secret" draw the same type of people into my life. While I believe that that's possible, for me, those situations that I have faced were only part of the process of my destiny in this life; not mistakes. If I'd never faced adversity, I would never know how and when to call on the Lord. Struggles have been one of the best tools for me when I stepped into the classroom as an educator and into the clinic as a counselor.
Each of my "relationships" most of which didn't last longer than 3 months, were the result of my attempt to mend the hurt that I felt from the previous relationship. I think that it began when I was younger when I genuinely cared about my boyfriend and I was supportive and caring, but despite all of that, he still cheated on me. I believe that at a young age, I felt hurt by the fact that when you care or love someone, because they are still people, they, and you are not exempt from hurting someone else or being hurt. So after that I decided to just date and have fun, but for me dating isn't fun like it looked for other women. I learned that girls like me weren't necessarily in style with young men in a world where casual sex is the status quo and wildn' out is a top priority. So to say the least, college dating for me was and still is rough. Most of my friends from college have never seen me with a man. I didn't have what some girls had...I didn't have the boyfriend to come visit me or support me in my endeavours. I did, however and thankfully have my family as my number one fan base. I am proud that I was able to hold on to the person that I am and my intergrity all while growing into my self. Going to parties alone or spending birthdays alone because some people simply can't be there is alone, enough to slightly tarnish anyone's self-esteem, but somehow I have been able to rise above that.
I find it funny when others feels so opinionated about things and become hypocritical about some of the things that I have experienced or people that I have been friends with in this life. The Lord is my shepherd and my hero, whom shall I fear and who can be against me? It is amazing how other people will spend a lot of time trying to make you feel less than or attempt to hype themselves up. One is grown when none of that matters anymore. It's kinda like the words to the song, "Shout" there are simply some things that you can do without. Being grown is living out another chapter of your life and being okay with that. It is also not living in mediocrity, but dreaming a bigger and greater dream because if God can give you more than you can ever ask or think, wouldn't it make sense to dream a greater dream so that the one he has created will exceed that by far? Being grown is realising and appreciating one's strength and growth. I can honestly say that my education, my home, and my career don't define me as an adult, but it is my frame of mind, my intergrity, my heart, and my growth in thinking that do. I am a survivor and I am more than a conqueror. I am so thankful that God saves us each for a special purpose. While I'm not sure what mine is, I am so greatful for the assurance of the fact that there is a purpose. Being grown is stepping up to and into your spiritual car and saying okay God I'll go wherever you take me and whatever you take me through I will still spend always with you. He is God. It's like Whitney Houston says, "He lifts me up. He gives me love. He's all I've got (and) he's all the (man) I need." Period.
Throughout the year, I have made a conscious decision to back away from some people in my life. Yes, I know that people make mistakes and those who are your friends are bound to hurt you and you are bound to hurt them at some point, but there is one thing that I do know for sure and it's the fact that I have to protect my heart and my feelings. My mom and my grandfather say that all you have in this life (along with the Lord) is your name and your feelings. I agree with that. So I say that to say that it doesn't matter anymore about anyone else and what they do or think because people can't help but be people and they will say and do just about anything. I care about me. Blessed is he who doesn't seek counsel among the ungodly or unwise...in other words "everybody ain't got a word."
What I find funny in every day conversations is how judgemental people can be when listening to one's life experiences. Being that I am a counselor, one of the first things that I learned was that when you are presented with a client you are not supposed to give advice. You are supposed to listen and give positive un-biased regard to that individual because it is not the counselor's job to judge, but it is their job to lead the client to thier own recovery. I have been saved by the grace and love of God from so many things when men are concerned. I am one of the only people that I know that didn't immediately go on a journey to definitively call themselves grown when they left home...to put it plainly, I didn't get buck wild when I went to college. My parents did a good job of letting us have a little bit of freedom when we were growing up so that when we got older it wasn't that serious to "wild out" so to speak. I have to be easy on myself and say that I think that I have done well for myself. I have made it this far without a baby and STDs or hospital bills from a domestic violence dispute. I can say that I haven't stalked a man before. I haven't completely lost my mind behind one either. I have held on to my integrity in some strangely amazing ways, but what I have a hard time listening to is other's criticism of me when I do open up about some of the things that I have gone through.
I think that it's funny when women mention that they wouldn't have dealt with this man and that man or they hint to the notion that maybe I don't love myself because if I did, I wouldn't be involved with certain men. When I hear things I realise that I can't control what others will say to me, but I can control how I respond and how I feel when it is said. I like to think about something that Susan Taylor, the editoral director of Essence magazine, said, "I didn't understand that I wasn't a bad girl, only a child seeking love." I think for me, when dealing with my crazy and short lived relationships it wasn't that I didn't love myself, I was able to stand on my own, but I did it because in my relationships with other people there was a lack of sincerity on thier part. For that reason, I stuck with the men in hopes that they would be the sincere person that I needed. I was raised to make things work out. I don't know any different than that. It's not that I didn't have God, it is just human to want companionship on earth. Everyone has a coping mechanism or a system of personal control and for me it was to try to make sense of things and to be forgiving. I felt like if I could be kind and loving I would, according to "the secret" draw the same type of people into my life. While I believe that that's possible, for me, those situations that I have faced were only part of the process of my destiny in this life; not mistakes. If I'd never faced adversity, I would never know how and when to call on the Lord. Struggles have been one of the best tools for me when I stepped into the classroom as an educator and into the clinic as a counselor.
Each of my "relationships" most of which didn't last longer than 3 months, were the result of my attempt to mend the hurt that I felt from the previous relationship. I think that it began when I was younger when I genuinely cared about my boyfriend and I was supportive and caring, but despite all of that, he still cheated on me. I believe that at a young age, I felt hurt by the fact that when you care or love someone, because they are still people, they, and you are not exempt from hurting someone else or being hurt. So after that I decided to just date and have fun, but for me dating isn't fun like it looked for other women. I learned that girls like me weren't necessarily in style with young men in a world where casual sex is the status quo and wildn' out is a top priority. So to say the least, college dating for me was and still is rough. Most of my friends from college have never seen me with a man. I didn't have what some girls had...I didn't have the boyfriend to come visit me or support me in my endeavours. I did, however and thankfully have my family as my number one fan base. I am proud that I was able to hold on to the person that I am and my intergrity all while growing into my self. Going to parties alone or spending birthdays alone because some people simply can't be there is alone, enough to slightly tarnish anyone's self-esteem, but somehow I have been able to rise above that.
I find it funny when others feels so opinionated about things and become hypocritical about some of the things that I have experienced or people that I have been friends with in this life. The Lord is my shepherd and my hero, whom shall I fear and who can be against me? It is amazing how other people will spend a lot of time trying to make you feel less than or attempt to hype themselves up. One is grown when none of that matters anymore. It's kinda like the words to the song, "Shout" there are simply some things that you can do without. Being grown is living out another chapter of your life and being okay with that. It is also not living in mediocrity, but dreaming a bigger and greater dream because if God can give you more than you can ever ask or think, wouldn't it make sense to dream a greater dream so that the one he has created will exceed that by far? Being grown is realising and appreciating one's strength and growth. I can honestly say that my education, my home, and my career don't define me as an adult, but it is my frame of mind, my intergrity, my heart, and my growth in thinking that do. I am a survivor and I am more than a conqueror. I am so thankful that God saves us each for a special purpose. While I'm not sure what mine is, I am so greatful for the assurance of the fact that there is a purpose. Being grown is stepping up to and into your spiritual car and saying okay God I'll go wherever you take me and whatever you take me through I will still spend always with you. He is God. It's like Whitney Houston says, "He lifts me up. He gives me love. He's all I've got (and) he's all the (man) I need." Period.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Chapter 10: The Secret about the Secret
To be honest, I think the secret, which is not really a secret, to best things in life is God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus. I was watching Oprah the other day and I saw a re-run about the show on how single women can find men and why so many women are single. On the show I saw this lady, Kathy who has written a book called, The One. I read part of the book and I was almost angry because it emphasized part of what she believed "The Secret" to be. From my understanding, "the secret" is the notion that you get whatever you put out into the universe. In other words, the situations and circumstances in your life happen because of something that you give out to the world. While I believe that there are so many things that we put upon ourselves, such as the company that we keep, I don't believe that it is necessarily your fault when bad circumstances, situations, or maybe even stupid people come your way. A good example would be people living in poverty. Is it always their fault?
So when I watched Oprah, I understood both sides of the argument. As a single woman, I do agree that in some situations one can invite certain circumstances or people in one's life, but there is so much game out there in the world and there are people who are preditors to even the strongest women. Is that you're fault that you meet a stupid man? It is your fault when you behave in a certain manner, however. I think that there are people who come into one's life to teach them certain things. On the flip side of that, I do realize that men here in the world now are a different breed. It was so easy for the women on the show to talk about how there was so much that was wrong with the single women on the show, but I tend to think that there are things wrong with people in general. To say the least, it is truly "hard out here for a pimp." Dating can be rough for some and I think people should look at it holistically instead of trying to cast blame.
When I look at my situation, I don't believe that there's anything wrong with me. I believe that the Lord is strengthening me and allowing me to experience things so that I can not only give him honor, but also so that when I get married I won't have to sit and wonder what if. I can honestly say that I am living the single life with my own things and my own rules. My mother told me once that when things go wrong with me I tend to think that it's me and the truth is that the men that I've dealt with can't handle me or they are caught up in other things. It's not that I'm a bad woman or anything, I'm just on a different page. As hard as that is to dealt with, it is okay. So I say that to say that on one hand we are what we present to the world and God will give us what we need in the time of need, particularly in life's lessons, but in terms of what I understand from "the secret" it's almost like saying that good people will always get good things and those who do bad things will always get bad things. The bible says gifts come without repentence. It doesn't always work out that good people never have trouble and vice versa. Things do work together for the good of those who love the Lord, however. Again in the matter I think that instead of casting blame for one's situations in life, we should focus on ourselves...be it with the secret of without it. I just think that it's funny how people try to find answers for things that in some cases we may not be able to understand.
So when I watched Oprah, I understood both sides of the argument. As a single woman, I do agree that in some situations one can invite certain circumstances or people in one's life, but there is so much game out there in the world and there are people who are preditors to even the strongest women. Is that you're fault that you meet a stupid man? It is your fault when you behave in a certain manner, however. I think that there are people who come into one's life to teach them certain things. On the flip side of that, I do realize that men here in the world now are a different breed. It was so easy for the women on the show to talk about how there was so much that was wrong with the single women on the show, but I tend to think that there are things wrong with people in general. To say the least, it is truly "hard out here for a pimp." Dating can be rough for some and I think people should look at it holistically instead of trying to cast blame.
When I look at my situation, I don't believe that there's anything wrong with me. I believe that the Lord is strengthening me and allowing me to experience things so that I can not only give him honor, but also so that when I get married I won't have to sit and wonder what if. I can honestly say that I am living the single life with my own things and my own rules. My mother told me once that when things go wrong with me I tend to think that it's me and the truth is that the men that I've dealt with can't handle me or they are caught up in other things. It's not that I'm a bad woman or anything, I'm just on a different page. As hard as that is to dealt with, it is okay. So I say that to say that on one hand we are what we present to the world and God will give us what we need in the time of need, particularly in life's lessons, but in terms of what I understand from "the secret" it's almost like saying that good people will always get good things and those who do bad things will always get bad things. The bible says gifts come without repentence. It doesn't always work out that good people never have trouble and vice versa. Things do work together for the good of those who love the Lord, however. Again in the matter I think that instead of casting blame for one's situations in life, we should focus on ourselves...be it with the secret of without it. I just think that it's funny how people try to find answers for things that in some cases we may not be able to understand.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Chapter 8: The Pieces of Me...
I was thinking to myself the other day about the evolution of my life and how good GOD has been to me in spite of the things around me. I thought, wow. I am one hell of a woman! It's like the song says, "I ain't no joke!" I meet people all of the time and one of the things that they say to me is wow. I thought that you were 20 years old...I am really 25. I also like to laugh at the fact that others don't think that I teach high school students. A young lady said that to me the other day and as I was driving away, I thought about my credentials. I have taught high school English and reading for three years. I am about to graduate with my master's degree in counselor education. I owned my own home at 24 and I have been able to somehow do all of this simultaneously and I did it mainly on my own...just me and GOD. I have been able to acclamate myself pretty well to a new city in a relatively short amount of time as well. I'm blessed! It's funny how I never really think about these things. I guess sometimes you need to hear something good about yourself in order to truly get an understanding of how great you are. It's one thing to encourage yourself and to have good esteem for yourself, but every now and then everyone needs a little lifting. So in light of me...I decided to "toot my own horn" a little bit. Here is my biography. These are the pieces of me...
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Everyone has been given a direct purpose in this life and I sincerely believe that my purpose is to work with children. I currently work as an English teacherUniversity of Florida
Upon my graduation from theUniversity of Florida Florida
My short term goals are to become a high school guidance counselor. I would like to develop counseling and student support programs that cater to the needs of special populations and help to better prepare our students for the real world. My long term goals are to earn a doctoral degree in Education. At some point, I would like to work on the collegiate level as an instructor or advisor at a Historically Black College or University. While it has been a challenge to work full time and pursue my degree at the same time, I truly believe that it has all been worth it. I am becoming better equipped for the challenges of working with students and parents. My research ventures have also helped me to better understand the psyche of students and how students perceive intervention programs.
In all of my efforts, I’ve noticed that I’ve grown tremendously. I have more confidence than I’ve ever had. As a quite person, I learned to observe my surroundings and as result, I can relate to writer Maya Angelou. She says, “I know why the caged bird sings.” I sing because in my silence I’ve learned an enormous amount and I’ve watched myself develop. I also become very tenacious, considerate, and diligent. I truly believe that I can “see in the dark” or press on regardless of adversity. Ultimately, I understand that experience is the best teacher and often opens doors for further insight. I look forward to new endeavors each day as I continue to read and create new chapters in my life story.
One day this will be much longer, but until then, this is just a start....
<>
Everyone has been given a direct purpose in this life and I sincerely believe that my purpose is to work with children. I currently work as an English teacher
Upon my graduation from the
My short term goals are to become a high school guidance counselor. I would like to develop counseling and student support programs that cater to the needs of special populations and help to better prepare our students for the real world. My long term goals are to earn a doctoral degree in Education. At some point, I would like to work on the collegiate level as an instructor or advisor at a Historically Black College or University. While it has been a challenge to work full time and pursue my degree at the same time, I truly believe that it has all been worth it. I am becoming better equipped for the challenges of working with students and parents. My research ventures have also helped me to better understand the psyche of students and how students perceive intervention programs.
In all of my efforts, I’ve noticed that I’ve grown tremendously. I have more confidence than I’ve ever had. As a quite person, I learned to observe my surroundings and as result, I can relate to writer Maya Angelou. She says, “I know why the caged bird sings.” I sing because in my silence I’ve learned an enormous amount and I’ve watched myself develop. I also become very tenacious, considerate, and diligent. I truly believe that I can “see in the dark” or press on regardless of adversity. Ultimately, I understand that experience is the best teacher and often opens doors for further insight. I look forward to new endeavors each day as I continue to read and create new chapters in my life story.
One day this will be much longer, but until then, this is just a start....
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Chapter 7: Something New...
Yesterday I thought about that incredibly crazy song by Destiny's Child, "Happy Face." While the song is a bit goofy, it is my song. Some of the lyrics are " I woke up and realized this world's not so bad after all. I looked at it through a child's eyes and I saw those beautiful things that you never think about like the ocean, moonlight, stars, and clouds. It's amazing how we don' t appreciate our blessings. Sometimes it gets tough, but I can't give up." So after thinking for awhile, I have decided to do something new. I know that other people can relate to me when I say that some things in one's life have to stop or in other words, die. As a Christian, we often say that we should die to ourselves so that we can let GOD do his thing, but not only that, I am starting to die to myself so that I can let the other part of me live. I have changed and the old part of me is dying.
I am a counselor as well and it's really interesting to me to see parts of myself in my clients. One day I noticed that one of my clients forgot about himself in a picture that he was drawing. For him it made good sense to me as to why he did that. He had been treated like he wasn't important for so long so he started to believe that that was true. I have come to a point in my life where I am believing more and more in my own worth. I've never doubted myself, but everyone needs that little bit of love or that little push from those around them. In being in relationships with other people, I have been mistreated in some aspects and if you've ever been in a situation where things are consistantly crazy, you can start to believe and associate with the way you are being treated. Even in romantic relationships when dating and there is a lot of rejection, it is difficult not feel, as TLC put it, "Un-pretty." I saw pictures of myself and said I am the most precious thing in the world. I have been down for a long time not only because I was stressed out, but because I was feeling like the way I've been treated. It is not my fault that other people don't see my worth. They are missing out on one of the best things since sliced bread!
Another thing that I've decided to do is simply have fun. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but I've decided to dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and simply be free. I don't care anymore about whether my guy friend is going to go out with me or whether my friends will be down for the cause. I've always done things by myself, but now I think that it's on a whole 'nother level. It used to hurt my feelings and I would wonder why other people can get thier "friends" to do for them, but the truth of the matter is that I like me and that's all that matters.
Yet another thing that has changed is the fact that I look at what I do as a profession a bit differently now. I was feeling really weird about the path that I chose for my graduate degree and the career that I chose--teaching. I am working in a clinic as a practicum counseling student and I realized that I won't be using any of this in the field and I wished that I had chosen something else. Along with that, I toy with my profession as a teacher because everyone knows that teachers make small salaries in comparison to other professions. The other day, brought a little bit of clarity to me., however. I was helping with an SAT Prep course that my service group conducts in our community. I visibly understood why I became and eduactor. I saw students who had so much potential, but they didn't know it themselves. I know that I was once in that perdicament and I geuninely like to help young people, especially minorities because there are so many things that we are not told in our communities and often few resources. Truthfully, we often lack the ability to dream and I think that that is sad. I am helpng to share my talent with other people, it is my ability to see in the dark or to make something out of nothing. That is why I have became a school counselor and a teacher.
I have decided that I am going to be happy regardless of what's going on my life and in the lives of others around me. Life's too short to be concerned about people and things that shouldn't matter to me. I have decided to be more of the lady that I have been called to be. Not that I haven't already, but I think it's time to dress for the part. It's time for the pretty girl outfits and flawless attitude to match...all on a dollar budget.
One of my favorite poems is "To Be Somebody" by Robin Wiliams. Part of it reads as follows: "I'm barefooted, hungry and thin as a leaf. My last meal consisted of sorrow and grief. My face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but deep down inside, I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody, not just a hope in a storm , a tree without life or a rose without charm. Not just a song without music or a day without sun, I want to be on top when it's all said and done...I want to meet someone who made it good on the first try and stand along beside them and say so did I...I want to be somebody, but if only for a little while and instead of the world greeting me with a storm let it furnish a smile, but not because my face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but because I had the guts to be somebody." I've learned that I have more guts than most of my peers, but because some people can't quite handle the person that I am, sometimes folk can be very discouraging. I'm done with that now. The other part of me is seeking to live and it is only fair to let her do so. By no means am I saying that I am going to stop doing those things that make me, me. I am saying, however that I am going to go about things a little differently. 2007 is the year of completion, the digits of my age equal 7 (2 + 5), I've been a college student for 7 years and I have driven the same car for seven years. Clearly, this should be the year to end the unecessary things. The word according to T.I. is , I got "big things poppin' and lil' things stoppin'. (I got to) Ball on these suckas, 'cause loosin' is not an option!" To whom much is given, much is required. I am too blessed not live the way that GOD wants me to. Living otherwise would be assinine.
In the words of Lil Kim, this chapter is through...
I am a counselor as well and it's really interesting to me to see parts of myself in my clients. One day I noticed that one of my clients forgot about himself in a picture that he was drawing. For him it made good sense to me as to why he did that. He had been treated like he wasn't important for so long so he started to believe that that was true. I have come to a point in my life where I am believing more and more in my own worth. I've never doubted myself, but everyone needs that little bit of love or that little push from those around them. In being in relationships with other people, I have been mistreated in some aspects and if you've ever been in a situation where things are consistantly crazy, you can start to believe and associate with the way you are being treated. Even in romantic relationships when dating and there is a lot of rejection, it is difficult not feel, as TLC put it, "Un-pretty." I saw pictures of myself and said I am the most precious thing in the world. I have been down for a long time not only because I was stressed out, but because I was feeling like the way I've been treated. It is not my fault that other people don't see my worth. They are missing out on one of the best things since sliced bread!
Another thing that I've decided to do is simply have fun. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but I've decided to dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and simply be free. I don't care anymore about whether my guy friend is going to go out with me or whether my friends will be down for the cause. I've always done things by myself, but now I think that it's on a whole 'nother level. It used to hurt my feelings and I would wonder why other people can get thier "friends" to do for them, but the truth of the matter is that I like me and that's all that matters.
Yet another thing that has changed is the fact that I look at what I do as a profession a bit differently now. I was feeling really weird about the path that I chose for my graduate degree and the career that I chose--teaching. I am working in a clinic as a practicum counseling student and I realized that I won't be using any of this in the field and I wished that I had chosen something else. Along with that, I toy with my profession as a teacher because everyone knows that teachers make small salaries in comparison to other professions. The other day, brought a little bit of clarity to me., however. I was helping with an SAT Prep course that my service group conducts in our community. I visibly understood why I became and eduactor. I saw students who had so much potential, but they didn't know it themselves. I know that I was once in that perdicament and I geuninely like to help young people, especially minorities because there are so many things that we are not told in our communities and often few resources. Truthfully, we often lack the ability to dream and I think that that is sad. I am helpng to share my talent with other people, it is my ability to see in the dark or to make something out of nothing. That is why I have became a school counselor and a teacher.
I have decided that I am going to be happy regardless of what's going on my life and in the lives of others around me. Life's too short to be concerned about people and things that shouldn't matter to me. I have decided to be more of the lady that I have been called to be. Not that I haven't already, but I think it's time to dress for the part. It's time for the pretty girl outfits and flawless attitude to match...all on a dollar budget.
One of my favorite poems is "To Be Somebody" by Robin Wiliams. Part of it reads as follows: "I'm barefooted, hungry and thin as a leaf. My last meal consisted of sorrow and grief. My face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but deep down inside, I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody, not just a hope in a storm , a tree without life or a rose without charm. Not just a song without music or a day without sun, I want to be on top when it's all said and done...I want to meet someone who made it good on the first try and stand along beside them and say so did I...I want to be somebody, but if only for a little while and instead of the world greeting me with a storm let it furnish a smile, but not because my face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but because I had the guts to be somebody." I've learned that I have more guts than most of my peers, but because some people can't quite handle the person that I am, sometimes folk can be very discouraging. I'm done with that now. The other part of me is seeking to live and it is only fair to let her do so. By no means am I saying that I am going to stop doing those things that make me, me. I am saying, however that I am going to go about things a little differently. 2007 is the year of completion, the digits of my age equal 7 (2 + 5), I've been a college student for 7 years and I have driven the same car for seven years. Clearly, this should be the year to end the unecessary things. The word according to T.I. is , I got "big things poppin' and lil' things stoppin'. (I got to) Ball on these suckas, 'cause loosin' is not an option!" To whom much is given, much is required. I am too blessed not live the way that GOD wants me to. Living otherwise would be assinine.
In the words of Lil Kim, this chapter is through...
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