Chapter 14: Breaking a Bad Habit

One thing that I know for sure is that I really enjoy writing. It is one of the many things that I truly do well. I may not always do everything right and I may not know how to articulate many of my feelings to other people, but writing makes me happy and I know that it sounds cliche', but I feel free to do and say anything when I'm writing. I have always admired print journalist and other writers because their opinions are anonymous. Here, my thoughts are anonymous to most as well. This is one of the ways in which I get some things out of my system. I am having a hard time letting some people go. It is not because I don't know any better or anything, it's just that I'm not the type of person that easily and readily gets rid of people. I believe that no matter what happens or what a person does, there is always room for improvement and you can always forgive. I may not always forget, but I think that it's possible and almost necessary to forgive. But when I look at things, I think about the Kelly Rowland song, "Bad Habit." I have to do this so that I can get what I'm feeling out of my system...so here it is.

"How many times are you gonna apologize for the same thing and how many times can I take you back when I'm not the one that's doing wrong?

I thought that maybe if I started praying then we would get better, but when I would pray the answer would always come back to me being done, but we are so hard headed when we're in love.

I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems tha you really have a hold on me and every time that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now I gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.

I'm totally out of my element, learning new ways to live, while you're in a comfort zone and not even thinking. So call and when you get mad you buy me gifts. Thinking it's gonna solve every issue. From the girl calling my phone, to the pictures that I saw, and everytime you would break up with me for nothing at all. I've taken all I can take, but the way you live has gotta change.

I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same, I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we breakup we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.

Have you ever loved somebody, so much that you were just too blind to see past all of the pain that they was causing you? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you went against the right thing that you should do? Then it's time to make a change.

I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more."

What's funny is that I know that God will give you the desires of your heart if you ask in his name. The problem is that some of the crazy things in life can be removed if we only ask. I've heard people say that it will happen when you are ready for it to happen. It's sad, but I'm not so sure that I'm ready to let this person go. I'm not the type or person who readily or easily gets rid of people even though the person hurt me. In some twisted way, I think that I believe that one day this person will come back to me in a new frame of mind and we can pick up where we were, but I know that that is a false sense of hope. It's kinda like the Lauryn Hill song, "When it Hurts so Bad"...why does it feel so good? I'm not insecure, but somewhere in my heart it is hard to let this one go....for the last time. It's crazy when you try to get your mind and your heart on one accord and they don't always want to agree. What can I say, I'm a work in progress...