Chapter 41: An Unrecognized Feeling

In reading over the chapters I've written within the last year and a half, I realize that I've been sad for a lot of reasons. Many of which I could not control and some that I was not fully aware of. I guess this sadness has been going on for more than a year and a half, possibly since I arrived in this area. It is interesting, however that in all of this, I've been able to brutally honest and it is in this sincerity and honesty that I've found solice and I have learned to understand my emotions. The one that I'm having difficulty understanding, however is love.

I finally have met someone who I sincerely like and I he really and truly makes me happier than I've ever been with a man. I guess I have trouble understanding what I feel because I've never felt like this before. He's honest, sweet, good looking, funny, intelligent, and he is on my level and speed. He is what I've written about repeatedly and for whom I have prayed. I haven't noticed any signs of him being a cheater, or liar, or even that he has a double life. This man really has shown me love that is so sincere that in many ways, it almost scares me. If I were asked if I fell in love with him, my response is that I am standing at the gate pondering whether I should open the door for love. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. To put it more simply, I am scared--scared of being hurt and scared that I may accidentally hurt him. that wouldn't be right because he is such an awesome person. I'm almost there, but I'm really glad that he is so patient with me to help me heal. He doesn't get angry at my little idosyncrities and he likes me even with my imperfections. It is unreal! :) I'm sure that he is the truth and I thank God for him. The crazy part is that you can find what you are looking for and be so scarred and subconsciously have a reservation because either you don't believe it can happen to you or past dealings with people can make you suspicious of everyone. After finding out recently that one of my ex's had been sleeping with 2 other women while he was dating me and having the other woman call me, I officially wanted to write off everyone. Even before that, I didn't really trust or believe in many other people, to be brutally honest. I'm just glad that I have an opportunity to be with this man. It is almost like the song, "The Truth," "if he ever left me, I wouldn't even be sad because there's a blessing in every lesson and I'm glad that I know him at all." The truth is that I would be enormously hurt if he left me, but I'm thankful for this time and thankful for him.
Eventhough this feeling is unrecognizeable, I'm enjoying myself and I am living in the moment.

From this moment on, I am going to change much of the subject matter of the notebook. It is about to have a new name---The Notebook: A Collection of Letters to and for the Soul. It will continue to be a collection of chapters about things that make me go hmmm....and my growing pains, but it will also focus on social action issues and issues that are unique to the black community. It is almost like letters to a sister....some of the time it will be to other sisters and many times it will be to myself. As you read, please don't be judgemental, but understand that I have been bold enough to talk and write about things that many are afraid to say. I am not crazy, neither am I insecure, I am just human and I go through some of the same things that most women go through. I think that the worst thing that we can do is judge people based on thier life experiences--though it is human to do this, it is so not koshure. Get ready for something a little newer...