Chapter 27: Love: A word that comes and goes...

There are very few people in this life who know what it means to really love someone or who have had the opportunity to love or be loved by someone. I find it interesting as I watch things at home and one of things that I have never been able to understand is the fact that for years people, especially women, and I guess I can say those within the black community, we often hear the adage, "if you love someone you have to let them go and if it comes back you will know that they are yours and it means much more." Now that I am older, I realize that that phrase alone is not only a lie for many people, but it is, in part, one of the reasons many women allow wayward or abusive men back into thier lives. We have been led to think that when a man returns to us it can mean several things, but more importantly that he truly loves us and/or we are better than the other woman or that he got tired of running the streets and has found his mind and will be much better than he was before. I don't say that to say that people don't change or that things can't get better in situations like that, but I am saying that many women tend to push aside the negative and say "You know what? He must really like or love me if he does 'x, y, and z.'" Truthfully, I am guilty of this myself, but I think that it is important to understand the things in which make us behave in which we do or to identify the things that we have been taught over the years and challenge our belief systems.

Another thing that I noticed more on this trip home is the fact that the mind is very strong muscle that can do things that in the conscious sense we may have a hard time understanding. I have worked with mentally ill people and I personally know many people who are mentally ill, but I noticed that within my own mind, there are many things that in my heart, I know that are not right or not made for me, but my mind will draw me in and allow me to rationalize things in a manner that in the conscious sense, don't make logical sense, but because my mind sometimes has more power over my emotions and I act on that. Things can appear right when they are clearly wrong. One can allow this irrational thinking to control thier lives or simply some thier actions and in turn believe that it is love when it really isn't. This goes for romantic relationships and even our relationships with our family members. I think that it's really interesting that we can be smart enough to go about our business daily, but we are blind to some of our realities.

In abusive relationships, whether with our family members or our romantic interest, it is like I mentioned before, I know I tend to think that things are my fault or that something was wrong with me for things to happen the way in which they did. Abused children tend to think the same way, battered women tend to do the same. In this fashion, things can become cyclical and some people tend to treat others in the same manner in which they have been treated...hurting people hurting other people or in some cases demonstrating what they believe love to be. It is very sad. One instance in particular is a situation I've had. I've dated men who have told me that I think too highly of myself, or who have tried to make me feel less than a woman. Because I try to see the good in most things, I tend to look at those things that were positive in our relationship and my mind tends to wonder. While it wonders, I often don't notice the toil this plays in my self-concept and my outlook on men and relationships. I am smart enough to remove myself from the situation, but inside it can be very debiliating. I have experienced God's love for myself and I have parents who are deeply in love with each other as well, but sometimes it is very easy to be subjected to the hurt of another person and despite all that you know or feel, you can easily be put into the trap of the deceptive love of a bruised person. This again leads me to the aforementioned adage about one leaving and letting go of someone and that person returning. I sincerely believe that for the most part, that is not so.

One's inner belief system, self-esteem, and self-concept can be scarred partly because of thier own beliefs about what love really is or someone else's beliefs of love. While no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, when one is subjected to things that are our of thier control it is hard not to feel inferior. I say all of this to say that that people rarely take the time to 1) monitor their own behavior and think about how it can effect those around them; 2) examine what they believe love to be; 3) Examine the place that Christ-like love plays in thier lives or whether they believe that they are entitled to Christ-like love. Because of the lack of the aforementioned notions, I believe that there are many who are not only lacking love, but lack the capacity to love, or remain in relationships or situations that are bad for them. I, in part, can be guilty of this as well, but I think that it is good to do self-inspections from time to time. The Notebook is my way of doing so.