I just felt like uploading this video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK8t0gP4isE.
It's Alicia Keys "Superwoman." I've been feeling very discouraged, confused, and at many times at a loss for words lately. So I guess I say that to say that I have to encourage myself and with this, I felt encouraged. I'm tired of the "you can'ts" and "don'ts" and "I wouldn't if I were yous." I want to be free to do what I want without having to think about or respond to the opinions of other people. In essence, I am Superwoman because I can do the unthinkable and impossible with the help of my GOD. Through this ordeal that I am dealing with, I forgot about the fact that God can do the impossible and do more that I can even ask or think. There is truth in the fact that sometimes God gives us things and ideas and missions and callings that no one else hears or possibly understands. Who are you to negate or challenge or contaminate what is in my heart? Truthfully, I feel really caged right now. I want to in some sense be like the birds and be free and be trusted that I will do what's right. Is that too much to ask? I guess my problem at this moment is believing with my own heart and making me happy instead of everyone else all of the time. It makes me sad some days, but I know that it is something that will be and is a challenge for me. "I am Superwoman" because I can do this even when I am a mess and I can still make things happen in the fashion that I want and the one that is planned for me if I stand still and allow God to do his work in me and around me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Chapter 42: Mad at It
I'm mad. I am having a hard time trying to understand why is it when you are really happy with something yourself, others are never really happy. My co-worker or in her words, "my mother" took it upon herself to call me to yell at me about how I shouldn't leave the area in Florida that I live in and how she doesn't like my boyfriend. This comes after I told her that my boyfriend is moving away to North Carolina and I may consider going later. Mind you, she was very excited that I met him and when she met him, she indicated how she liked him so. Now all of a sudden she calls me to say that she's been worried about me and that she doesn't like him and that he's not intelligent. Mind you she has always talked about how she thinks I need to find a man and stop being so picky. The ones that I did meet that were abusive, somehow, she liked them. My thought is, was she lying all the time about liking this one? I'm not sure if I am angry because she said something about my boyfriend or whether I'm angry about the way that she did it. She called me back to back today as if I was obligated to answer the phone. I think that I am frustrated about the notion that I am indeed an adult and I can make some decisions about what I want to do with my life. I'm not running away or doing anything that is damaging to my character. I simply don't understand. I am at a place right now in my heart where I feel like I'm just tired of being here. I know that I will not live in this area forever, I just want others to understand that. Why can't I just move and do what I want? I truly don't get it. Hypethetically, maybe they want me to stay single so that they can continue to gripe and have something to say. Maybe it is still not my turn. I don't know, but it makes me really angry. I have tried to tell people about how unhappy I have been here and some of the truth about the people that I have been around. No one seems to really want to believe me. It's almost like they think that I am being brainwashed. No---I'm just thinking about my options. Even as the reader of this blog, you understand that I haven't been happy here either, I'm sure. It really annoys me that I see others my age doing big things away from this area and I am ready too. Is that too much to ask.
I think that I am angry at the fact that I'm just so tired of everyone taking away from my life. Calling me only when they have to tell me how and why they can't do for me or to ask me to do something or to gripe about things. It has become really draining. I don't believe that I have much more to give. It's kinda like when I had a bad day once, I went to the beach to think and I stayed there for awhile and when it was time to go home I didn't want to be alone, but when I thought about where I could go near my house, I had nowhere to go. So I went back home to my parent's house. I knew that when I went back to the area that I lived, no one would truly take the time to listen and if they did, it wouldn't be long before the incident became more about them than about me. I have learned that folks can be so consumed with themselves that they forget to help another person. I found that others are willing to help me when there are no other alternatives, but when I simply need a friend to be non-judgemental or to go out with, the people around me have other objectives and usually, they are very self-centered.
What is interesting is that I decided to go to her house after my mom and dad mentioned that I shouldn't write her off and that I may need her one day. True enough and I felt the need to see what was really going on. She called me repeatedly and I was really confused as to why she was doing all of this. So I get there and she explains to me that she had a nightmare about me and she saw me with a man that didn't look like my boyfriend and somewhere in the distance I was with my current boyfriend. She saw that I didn't like the 1st man but I was really happy with the 2nd. So then she went on and on with why I shouldn't leave the area and how she doesn't like him all of a sudden. I mentioned to her that I am leveled-headed and that I am conscious of my decisions. I'm not going anywhere right now. It seemed that she understood me when I came by, but for some reason, she called me frantic at 10:30 last night saying that she was concerned and in my mind, I was truly confused. My response was, "Ms. ____I was in the shower. I'm okay. Good night." That made me angry because I'm confused about of the frantic behavior. I am careful and I hate being aggrevated. I know that she was whining in part because she felt bad about telling me that she was going to be home and when I showed up, she wasn't. She got mad because I didn't come back by to visit that week so because she felt bad, she had to put the hurt and energy back on me.
This situation reminds me of how I felt when I was in undergrad living with my auntie. I lived with her for 2 1/2 years and at about the 2 year mark she and I began to avoid each other because I could see through some of the things that she was doing and I grew really tired of cleaning all day to no avail. I didn't really have friends in the area and I was afraid to invite people over because I wasn't sure what the house was going to look like or who would be there when I returned home each day. I remember telling my mom that I wanted to leave and no one really understood why I wanted to leave. I was free to do what I wanted. I didn't have to pay any bills and my auntie was never home. It seemed to be "perfect." I didn't really complain about it until I moved. When I explained what I was really feeling to my mom, she understood. Her thought was, "Why did we ever think that that was okay?" That is exactly what I feel now.
Another situation that I am reminded of is when my cousin was getting ready to go to college, she wanted to go to Bethune-Cookman University to be a nurse. She was accepted and she had a few months to get her things together. My older cousin from the area where the university is met with my uncle and said that he had had a dream about my female cousin and that she shouldn't need to go to Cookman because he went there and was not successful and that there was a lot of sex that goes on there and that she would be pregnant soon and wouldn't finish school because of it. To my older cousin, in his mind, he saw it happen to so many other people and felt that it was sure to happen to my female cousin. What's insane is that my uncle believed him and refused to let her go to Cookman. She decided to stay home instead and go to the community college in her hometown. In the end, she went to school at home, but dropped out and got pregnant and got into a near fatal car accident. I haven't seen her in years. I say that to say that sometimes people think that they know what's best for you and in truth, they really don't. Sometimes, in your heart, you know what's right.
I am not saying that I won't listen or be cautious, but seriously, I just want to be left alone for now. Does that make sense?
I think that I am angry at the fact that I'm just so tired of everyone taking away from my life. Calling me only when they have to tell me how and why they can't do for me or to ask me to do something or to gripe about things. It has become really draining. I don't believe that I have much more to give. It's kinda like when I had a bad day once, I went to the beach to think and I stayed there for awhile and when it was time to go home I didn't want to be alone, but when I thought about where I could go near my house, I had nowhere to go. So I went back home to my parent's house. I knew that when I went back to the area that I lived, no one would truly take the time to listen and if they did, it wouldn't be long before the incident became more about them than about me. I have learned that folks can be so consumed with themselves that they forget to help another person. I found that others are willing to help me when there are no other alternatives, but when I simply need a friend to be non-judgemental or to go out with, the people around me have other objectives and usually, they are very self-centered.
What is interesting is that I decided to go to her house after my mom and dad mentioned that I shouldn't write her off and that I may need her one day. True enough and I felt the need to see what was really going on. She called me repeatedly and I was really confused as to why she was doing all of this. So I get there and she explains to me that she had a nightmare about me and she saw me with a man that didn't look like my boyfriend and somewhere in the distance I was with my current boyfriend. She saw that I didn't like the 1st man but I was really happy with the 2nd. So then she went on and on with why I shouldn't leave the area and how she doesn't like him all of a sudden. I mentioned to her that I am leveled-headed and that I am conscious of my decisions. I'm not going anywhere right now. It seemed that she understood me when I came by, but for some reason, she called me frantic at 10:30 last night saying that she was concerned and in my mind, I was truly confused. My response was, "Ms. ____I was in the shower. I'm okay. Good night." That made me angry because I'm confused about of the frantic behavior. I am careful and I hate being aggrevated. I know that she was whining in part because she felt bad about telling me that she was going to be home and when I showed up, she wasn't. She got mad because I didn't come back by to visit that week so because she felt bad, she had to put the hurt and energy back on me.
This situation reminds me of how I felt when I was in undergrad living with my auntie. I lived with her for 2 1/2 years and at about the 2 year mark she and I began to avoid each other because I could see through some of the things that she was doing and I grew really tired of cleaning all day to no avail. I didn't really have friends in the area and I was afraid to invite people over because I wasn't sure what the house was going to look like or who would be there when I returned home each day. I remember telling my mom that I wanted to leave and no one really understood why I wanted to leave. I was free to do what I wanted. I didn't have to pay any bills and my auntie was never home. It seemed to be "perfect." I didn't really complain about it until I moved. When I explained what I was really feeling to my mom, she understood. Her thought was, "Why did we ever think that that was okay?" That is exactly what I feel now.
Another situation that I am reminded of is when my cousin was getting ready to go to college, she wanted to go to Bethune-Cookman University to be a nurse. She was accepted and she had a few months to get her things together. My older cousin from the area where the university is met with my uncle and said that he had had a dream about my female cousin and that she shouldn't need to go to Cookman because he went there and was not successful and that there was a lot of sex that goes on there and that she would be pregnant soon and wouldn't finish school because of it. To my older cousin, in his mind, he saw it happen to so many other people and felt that it was sure to happen to my female cousin. What's insane is that my uncle believed him and refused to let her go to Cookman. She decided to stay home instead and go to the community college in her hometown. In the end, she went to school at home, but dropped out and got pregnant and got into a near fatal car accident. I haven't seen her in years. I say that to say that sometimes people think that they know what's best for you and in truth, they really don't. Sometimes, in your heart, you know what's right.
I am not saying that I won't listen or be cautious, but seriously, I just want to be left alone for now. Does that make sense?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)