Chapter 46: The Very Pretty. Pretty Ugly Duckling: Part III

I guess some of this is my list of that which is to be resolved---i.e., my 2009 new years resolutions. We often say out with the old and with the new, but at this point in this chapter, I won't write a numbered list. My main cause for writing is that once again it has occurred to me that I am a swan and not quite a duck. One of my co-workers told me that I am very, very, very special. She didn't quite say how or why, but she mentioned that I am anointed. I have always known that the hand of God is on my life because there have been too many instances that I could've done some many wrong things and my spirit wouldn't let me. I have honestly had a sincerity in my heart to do the right thing and if I didn't I would almost immediately feel really bad if I didn't. I can explain why I am as I am other than, it's the God in me! I truly don't know how else to describe it. For that reason, I always stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd. People say that I look innocent and that it is possibly an act or that I can't really act this same way all of the time, but what you see is what you get from me. I guess that is why I have always felt like something was wrong with me my entire life. But there is truth in the Word when it says that those who are in Christ are "peculiar" people. I went out with a friend of mine when I was home and the truth was a lot more apparent to me. I saw people that I went to school with and we are still friendly and cool, but they know and I know that I am not like them--that's probably why my friends wouldn't let me do certain things while we were in school because I was supposed to be the good one or the mother of the group. But one would think that this would make me feel exceptionally special, but it was and still is quite the opposite.

Today, I find myself confused sometimes, as I know who I am and I am proud of myself, but I wish that some things would make more sense. I am at a crossroads in terms of what I want to do from this moment forward. I have been wrestling with the idea of moving for quite a while now--particularly since this past summer. I have been thinking about moving to NC for about 3 or 4 years now. Although I bought a house in Florida, I knew that I wouldn't live in it alone forever and I also knew that I didn't want to live in Florida for the rest of my life. I saw my home as an investment and as a means to build a foundation for wealth. When I met my honey, I knew that it was not an accident that he wanted to move to NC too. I had been dreaming of and speaking about how I wanted to go to the Virgin Islands for years now and it just so happens that he is from the Virgin Islands. So with that, I know that God has aligned that up just for me. We have gone through quite a bit with my family in nearly a year's time and I remember feeling sooo hurt about how they went about everything. They acted as though I had lost my mind and that I was being brainwashed or controlled by this new man as if I didn't know any better. It hurt so badly, not because I didn't understand where they were coming from as parents, but because they didn't trust my judgement and treated me as though they didn't know me at all. I must have cried nearly everyday. Today, however, I am at a different place. I don't cry everyday, but I think about it almost constantly. What will I do for a job? Who will live in my house? How do I want to market my home for renting? When are we getting engaged? I know that the engagement is coming, but in my heart of hearts, I don't want to rush anything so that we can have all of the ins and outs examined and things are well thought through. For that reason, I am making plans, but nothing is solidified and my ideas change almost daily with the stock market and the news. I see no need to rush, but it would make my heart feel so much better if Iknew exactly what to do. I say all of that to say this, I know that I need to go--my time here in this area is minimal. I have bigger and better things to do, not to say that I am better, but I am saying that my heart longs for something else and this is not it.

I notice that I am much happy now that I don't have certain things on my "to do" list or certain people around me. My honey said it best when he told me that he noticed that I smile "for real" now because he can notice genuine happiness in my smile. I am at a place where I can't handle being an afterthought or the undercover jealousy or text messages as complete conversations in leu of phone conversation, the attempts to view my home because people can't believe I actualy bought a house before them, or the "Brandi I need you to do.." but when I ask for someone to do for me, it's "O, well, I can't because.." I'm at the end of my rope with that. I realize that I am not like most people, therefore I can't do what most people do and I can't expect to feel good when I associate with people that aren't in my best interest. I am, after all, a swan and not a duck! My co-worker told me that I am like a hot stove when something is put on top of it. The stove burns the other item. In other words, something about me is hot. I have spent years feeling weird and maybe even inadequate because I have always been treated as so. There is truth in the notion when people say some friends may walk away. Last year was a true testiment to that. I always said to a few people that "if you all were really my friends you would keep me in the loop even when I couldn't participate. " I guess I was right when I said that because I haven't been kept in the loop. At first, it hurt really badly, but I understand the purpose in it all. There are simply some things that aren't for me. With that, I resolve to do some different things this year. My resolution list is as follows:

1. Spend more time at home in my own home. I am always so busy until I never get a chance to enjoy my home. I never read books that I want to read and when I do read--I tend to rarely finish the books. I also need to catch up on movies. I want to watch old Spike Lee movies and Naploean Dynamite, Beverly Hills Cop, and old episodes of The Boondocks.

2. Excercise--Isn't that always on that list?

3. Even if I don't move this year, set all of my ducks in a row to move so that the steps of the transition are in the beginning stages.

4. Find friends who have things in common with me--i.e. single with no children, calm demeanor. Pray for a friend and about and for those that I already have. Go out when I feel comfortable.

5. Stand up for my relationship and all that I believe about it. My family truly thought that I had lost my mind, but in my heart my honey is the man I am supposed to be with. Until God directs me and tells me otherwise, I will stand by that and build our relationship. I know that he genuinely makes me happy and we have a lot in common. He is truly all that I have prayed for. The world feels like a much better place to me when we are together.

6. Find a church home.

7. Stand by the notion that unsolicted advice is not welcomed. I am humble enough to listen to other people when they try to help me, but I am smart enough to know that everyone doesn't not have a word. An example is when Walt Disney wanted to build an early Disney World in St. Louis, Missouri and one of the city councilmen mentioned that anyone who wanted build an amusement that would not see alcoholic beverages in that city needed to have their head examined, it signaled to me that that person had no idea of the kind of blessing that that idea and that man had in his head. In many ways, I feel like Disney too. The end resulted in Disney moving the idea to a place that accepted and nurtured his idea and became not only a financial miracle, but a marvel.

8. Dream bigger and better dreams. I believe that God has even bigger things for me this year and I am faithful that this is my year!


I think that's all for now...I will add more as they come! Peace out! :)

Chapter 45: I Ain't Mad at Cha' or Am I?

I went to work today and I was so thankful that I was able to go to work, but for some reason, I was actually mad. Not at the job so to speak, but I was mad at the people there. I prayed this morning and I was happy, but when I saw the first student, I was very mad--I'm just before saying in a rage. I looked at some of my co-workers who day in and day out refuse to speak to me as if I were second class or a child or people who wouldn't help me like I've helped them and I immediately got angry. I'm not sure if I was mad at them directly or mad at the situation, or mad at possibly myself for allowing myself to be surrounded by these people--I'm not sure. I do know, however that I didn't sleep much last night because I was--well--angry. For some reason, I was thinking about all of the hurt and frustration that I have dealt with over the years, especially at work or with my "friends." I know without a doubt that I am blessed beyond measure to be able to work or accomplish the things that I have or simply to work multiple jobs, but something in my heart caused me to think about all of the things that I should let go. Most of these "things" are other people. In my effort to do this, I will and should forgive myself and live a happier life without stressing myself out about unnecessary things.

Last night, I found myself thinking about two men that had a relationship with. One was an ex-boyfriend and the other was a friend. Both of which called me in the last few days to tell me how much they want to see me or to tell me that they felt bad about how they had treated me over the years. I wasn't rude, but I made it clear that I didn't want to see them. I was in the bed last night and I was angry, angry, angry! I guess that one part of me wanted to be rude and the other thought what was the point(?). I felt sad, run over, and annoyed. Maybe I should let God do his work as my vindicator. I know in my heart, that I don't need them for any reason

The other thing that made me angry was my coworkers. Again, I'm glad to work, but I think that I am mad at myself for staying at my school knowing that I have been mistreated there several years. I stayed because I know that it is a rough year in terms of the recession and I didn't want to start all over again at this point, especially since, I'm still contemplating moving to NC. This morning, however I got mad at the students--students who feel a sense of entitlement and my students who are considered lower level who are rude, prideful, and simply hard to work with. I was angry at the fact that I got two preps this year, 22 retained students, and a high number of special education students all rolled into one. No one else in the grade level in reading had the same problem that I had. I felt not only, hurt, but manipulated and offended. By the time that I got my schedule it wasn't anything that I could do. So on one hand, I know I did what was right, but on the other hand, I am still a bit angry. I did what was right and smart, but it hurts. :)

That's all for now...