After all that I have been through in 26 years in terms of relationships, I have an interesting perspective of the things that are important to me. I have learned not to talk about being single as much as I used to, primarily because most of the people that I know are married, engaged, or dating. I laugh inside when I hear folks say, well I lived on my own until I was 23 or I got married at 21 and I had to wait for sooo long. Whether it is waiting for someone in the world to love you due to the missing element of familial love or love in friendship or waiting for romantic love, having to wait can be frustrating and no one understands more than you when it is you. My wait has not only been for a romantic love, but for friendship with real, like minded, like speed people. Sometimes the devil creeps up and makes me feel like I will never find this, but have to remember who God is. I know that people like me will be blessed. It is so easy to feel less than when others give you the impression that it is so. Folk will have you thinking that you are inadequate because they are inadequate. So with respect to that, here is what I want in a relationship with a man...these are slightly different from my list of what the "perfect" man looks like.
1. I want to be in a relationship in which I get excited to see his face and be in his presence. I want to enjoy each moment not solely because of attraction, but because he's good company. I want to be able to look at the stars in the grass or hold him or him hold me as we watch TV...even re-runs. Not only on occasions, but consistantly. I want him to feel the same way when he's with me.
2. I want a relationship in which I feel safe. Safe to be myself and safe to tell him what I really feel without being judged. I wish for him to be my best friend. I don't want to have to worry about mental illness coming to steal time from me or our relationship to build walls or to allow him to make excuses or abuse substances.
3. I want a relationship in which God is our everything. Not we ourselves, but God. I will take a back seat to God. After God, I am okay with being second. I don't want to have to compete with friends or ex-girlfriends, or work, or the car, or anyone else, however. It is my turn to feel pampered and loved. When I really like someone, I don't throw away everything, but I do give time to that person, not only because I care, but because I believe that they are special enough to deserve that much.
4. I " " in which he makes time for me without complaining. He does sweet things for no reason and he doesn't mind doing those things that are not expected. I would like to believe that a man can go to the ends of the earth for me and do those things that aren't expected not because he feels obligated, but because he wants to.
5. I want to be able to go on fun trips and truly enjoy myself and do things that I have never done and see things that I have never seen. I want surprises and random jokes. Just plain fun.
6. I want to be able to enjoy plain chill time with his family and with him and my family.
7. I want him to be respectful of my feelings and to be true to his word. No more, I'll call you back and I don't hear from him for days, maybe even weeks or I want to see you soon and I don't see him for months until he decides that he wants to pop up.
8. I want a man with passion, not only for me, but for his life, his job, God, and his family. The rest will follow. What I crave for is a man who is genuine. It's not about what I do or don't do, it's about his genuine care, desire, and concern for me.
9. I want a man who is SINGLE. In my adult life, I don't remember being the only woman. There has always been another woman lurking around somewhere and interesting enough, I am the "other" woman. Typically, I don't know that I am the second as I think that I was the first one until something random and stupid occurs. It's the phrases, I don't want to hear her mouth or I don't want her to know that I was here with you or what's worse is being dodged because he doesn't want the other woman to see you that really hurt the most. Again sometimes other people try to make you feel like you are less because they are less themselves.
10. I want a man who is not ashamed or afraid to give me a title or tell everyone that I am his girl and really mean it. I want him not to be afraid to walk among people he knows holding my hand, or opening doors for me. Clearly, I just want him to give a damn. I don't have time for commitment issues...I don't feel like that's fair.
11. I want a man to appreciate me and to love me without a motive. I don't want to feel like no matter how sweet or kind I am that it doesn't matter. Feeling appreciated is important.
12. I want a man who will not make excuses as to why he can't do something with or for me or be with me for the night or for an event of mine because something else has a higher priority. For once, I want to be a priority or someone truly important or special to him. I don't want to have to compete with anyone or anything else. He will always make time for me and I won't have to wait or be sad because he's "inadvertantly" forgot about me. I will be his special lady, not becasue of what I can do for him, simply because of who I am.
13. Not to put this as last, but I want a man who is nice looking. Someone that I am not grossed out to look at. Very simple...
I think that this is all for now...but it is truly how I feel. Is that too much to ask?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Chapter 32: The Very Pretty, Ugly Duckling Part 2: Two Stupids Don't Make a Smart
As the my day continues, again I come to the place that I let my mind wonder and think about the fact that I feel like a foreign fish in domestic waters--much like a lioness in a jungle full of house cats or an eagle in a field with chickens. I know that I am much greater than my surroundings, but I get frustrated sometimes. When I think to say that two stupids don't make a smart, I mean that just because someone else is stupid, doesn't mean that I have to subject myself to the same behavior. I am a lady of course, why do I have to act like a chicken when I am an eagle. Yes, people will cause you to act a fool and be out of character on occasionally, but I uphold myself to a greater standard. Today I feel really irritated at a lot of things, but one of them being the fact that I am so over my job. I have very little respect for many of the people there and I have even less hope for my field of work when I look at the way that they work things here. I simply don't have the same vision as they do. I have grown to understand that it is solely and clearly a business. The teachers, or the sales associates are some of the hardest workers with the smallest amount of respect and for that reason, we tend to disrespect each other. Again, hurt people, hurt other people. Do I understand it, yes. Does it make sense, to a degree, yes. Is it right? No. I have made a vow to myself as an educator that when I do get another job that I will not act like my co-workers. I will work for the benefit of the children, not to run over or abuse the other educators...more less I will not use my title to demonstrate that I am better than another educator. That is weak, unChristian-like, and simply a cop-out to indicate that one is "secretly" insecure.
I have been having the hardest time lately with a few things. I am in a similar place as last semester. My tuition is still not paid...2 weeks into the semester, but I decided not to stress about it as the money has been allocated...I just haven't received it and the university hasn't been paid. I have truly enjoyed my internship site so far! It is almost like a 360 degree turn from last semester. Thank GOD!!!! So, some things are working out for me, but I really am trying hard to like other people.
It is sad when you don't really know many people who are of a sane mind, or that are genuinely good people. Everyone is so busy trying to matter in the world that they tend to forget that other people are just as important as they are. Being the very pretty, ugly duckling is like watching everyone else in the world run around and gaining "gifts without repentance" and thinking wow, when is it my turn. I know that I am of greater character than them. It is interesting when I tell about my journey and some of the things that I am doing right now and I hear people say wow or I don't see how you do all of that and stay sane. I feel good and I know that there is great reward in store for me. In a sense, this is similar to Job in the Bible. He lost everything he had and his "friends" kept telling him that he must have done something wrong and that God is not doing this to him because he did not wrong, etc. Job always confessed that for God we would live and for God he would die and in the end, he received double for his trouble. I refuse to believe that God won't do the same for me. One day I will be a swan and the other stupid or should I say ignorant people, will be looking at me saying, wow! I have worked to hard not to believe this. It is amazing that one can go through like and think that he or she has something wrong with them and in reality it is the others who own the problem. So for every person who refused to return my calls when I was in need, refused to help me when they could have, or thought, hmmm she can't go out with us because she is not our "type," it's cool. I believe in reaping, whether it is reaping when you sow bad things or reaping when you sow good things. I refuse to believe that God does not have his hands over my life. Ducklings do come up too. Just because someone is behaving "stupidly" with me does not mean that I have to behave in the same fashion. In other words, they should take the high road and "get on my level!"
I have been having the hardest time lately with a few things. I am in a similar place as last semester. My tuition is still not paid...2 weeks into the semester, but I decided not to stress about it as the money has been allocated...I just haven't received it and the university hasn't been paid. I have truly enjoyed my internship site so far! It is almost like a 360 degree turn from last semester. Thank GOD!!!! So, some things are working out for me, but I really am trying hard to like other people.
It is sad when you don't really know many people who are of a sane mind, or that are genuinely good people. Everyone is so busy trying to matter in the world that they tend to forget that other people are just as important as they are. Being the very pretty, ugly duckling is like watching everyone else in the world run around and gaining "gifts without repentance" and thinking wow, when is it my turn. I know that I am of greater character than them. It is interesting when I tell about my journey and some of the things that I am doing right now and I hear people say wow or I don't see how you do all of that and stay sane. I feel good and I know that there is great reward in store for me. In a sense, this is similar to Job in the Bible. He lost everything he had and his "friends" kept telling him that he must have done something wrong and that God is not doing this to him because he did not wrong, etc. Job always confessed that for God we would live and for God he would die and in the end, he received double for his trouble. I refuse to believe that God won't do the same for me. One day I will be a swan and the other stupid or should I say ignorant people, will be looking at me saying, wow! I have worked to hard not to believe this. It is amazing that one can go through like and think that he or she has something wrong with them and in reality it is the others who own the problem. So for every person who refused to return my calls when I was in need, refused to help me when they could have, or thought, hmmm she can't go out with us because she is not our "type," it's cool. I believe in reaping, whether it is reaping when you sow bad things or reaping when you sow good things. I refuse to believe that God does not have his hands over my life. Ducklings do come up too. Just because someone is behaving "stupidly" with me does not mean that I have to behave in the same fashion. In other words, they should take the high road and "get on my level!"
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Chapter 31: The Only Jesus
I have a new "favorite" song now. It's called "The Last Jesus" on the new Kirk Franklin CD, "The Fight of My Life." I really love this song because I think that the message is so true and strong. For the first few times that I heard the CD, I skipped the song because I didn't like the introductary music, but I am very glad that I decided to listen to the whole song. The message basically says that we should be very careful about how we live our lives and how we treat each other because we could be the "only Jesus" that some people see in the run of a day. I get tearful when I hear this song because I have wanted someone to be kind to me as well because there are days that one may not hear a kind word from anyone. I think about those who are less fortunate than I, those who are incacerated, those who are ill, and more and I know that I try to do what's right and show some compassion, but there are so many people in the world who do not. Another point of interest is the fact that if we consider ourselves to be Christians, why don't we demonstrate the love of Jesus or allow others to see the Christ in us. The song says, " If I say I love Jesus, but you can't see my Jesus, my words are empty, if they can't see Jesus in me." You just may be the only Jesus they see. My confusion comes when I think about the behavior of others in relation to myself or to those who are close to me.
I went to church today and I have been struggling with this for nearly a year now. I really don't know where to go to church. I have been torn between two churches for years, but I continued to go to what I called "my" church. I felt like I wanted to walk out of the church because the people can be so rude there, but I stayed because I knew that message would considerably be good. I was struggling emotionally with what I was feeling because I didn't understand if I was angry or sad. Someone told me to move from my seat as the balcony was closed during the first service. Mind you, the doors were open. I understood the purpose, but I was disturbed by the way that the usher went about it. I felt like a number and I didn't feel like I was a part of the church at that moment. This is not the second time that something like this has happened. I am not crazy or anything, but I stay because I learn so much about the bible there. The people bother me. In this sense, I can't see the Jesus in them. I feel alone as I go to church by myself and I sit alone in the same place every Sunday unless MW is there. I feel like when I do make interactions with other people that they make empty statements and that I can see through them. It's kinda like what I meant in the chapter about church people. I am torn and at this point after 4 years, I've visited many churches, but I haven't found one that tailors to my needs and gives me the word in a manner that I can understand, digest, and understand. The church I visit more often than not, is a wonderful place as the people are kind and my speed, but I can't follow the pastor. I refuse to join a church in a place where I have to struggle to understand the messages and the word. I need help with this.
Another thing that I think about when I hear this song is the fact that again, we don't think about what our actions do to others. One of my students wrote an essay about this same matter. I assigned the student a "One Mic" essay. Much like the Nas song, "One Mic," the students were asked if they were given one mic, what would they say about any global issue. It needed to be something that they could write passionately about. This student wrote about the notion that many people are being abused or resort to substance abuse because other people are being inconsiderate and abusive to them. I was shocked at her response, but I agree. If hurt people, hurt other people, it is certainly the truth. A "friend" of mine called me to his house the other day and I was excited for many reasons, one is the fact that I got a chance to go somewhere and the other was the fact that I enjoy his company in the few times that we do see each other in a month. He asked me to do several things for him this week and I agreed to do them as I knew if it were me I would want someone to help me in the same fashion. He was supposed to call me so that he could bring the materials to my home, but he didn't. The next day, I sent a message to him (being kind). He didn't respond. I sent him an email the following day to ask about a free offer that he was giving to his clients...I wanted one for myself. He responded by saying that he would call me...and he did, but I never received the materials and I never got the free offer. So I gave up. There was nothing else to do. Another instance this weekend was that he wanted me to get a picture frame for one of his pictures. I sent him a text and he ignored me, so I gave up on that as well. Again, we don't truly know what effect our behavior has on others. I know that I did nothing wrong and that he owns the problem, but it certainly doesn't feel good to be ignored when you trying to help someone, especially someone who can be considered a friend. Truthfully, I felt quite lonely and hurt. I know that he is busy, but so am I. Figuratively, he forgot about me. I was trying to help.
You have to be so careful because you never know when you are entertaining angels. God lives inside of each of us and when we neglect another person, ignore the voice of God, or plainly mistreat someone, we aren't living in the manner in which he would like for us to live. Sometimes we are the only Jeusus that some people see. It's sad to know that we often live empty lives and don't even realize what we are doing in the world and what empact our actions have. My warning is to be careful how you treat others and don't get too selfish and caught up in your own problems that you forget that the love that someone may need has been put inside of you by God. Putting a little love in your heart is almost an understatement as it is already there. We just don't realize it and those who actually do realize it, don't always use it or know what to do with it. That's sad, ain't it?
I went to church today and I have been struggling with this for nearly a year now. I really don't know where to go to church. I have been torn between two churches for years, but I continued to go to what I called "my" church. I felt like I wanted to walk out of the church because the people can be so rude there, but I stayed because I knew that message would considerably be good. I was struggling emotionally with what I was feeling because I didn't understand if I was angry or sad. Someone told me to move from my seat as the balcony was closed during the first service. Mind you, the doors were open. I understood the purpose, but I was disturbed by the way that the usher went about it. I felt like a number and I didn't feel like I was a part of the church at that moment. This is not the second time that something like this has happened. I am not crazy or anything, but I stay because I learn so much about the bible there. The people bother me. In this sense, I can't see the Jesus in them. I feel alone as I go to church by myself and I sit alone in the same place every Sunday unless MW is there. I feel like when I do make interactions with other people that they make empty statements and that I can see through them. It's kinda like what I meant in the chapter about church people. I am torn and at this point after 4 years, I've visited many churches, but I haven't found one that tailors to my needs and gives me the word in a manner that I can understand, digest, and understand. The church I visit more often than not, is a wonderful place as the people are kind and my speed, but I can't follow the pastor. I refuse to join a church in a place where I have to struggle to understand the messages and the word. I need help with this.
Another thing that I think about when I hear this song is the fact that again, we don't think about what our actions do to others. One of my students wrote an essay about this same matter. I assigned the student a "One Mic" essay. Much like the Nas song, "One Mic," the students were asked if they were given one mic, what would they say about any global issue. It needed to be something that they could write passionately about. This student wrote about the notion that many people are being abused or resort to substance abuse because other people are being inconsiderate and abusive to them. I was shocked at her response, but I agree. If hurt people, hurt other people, it is certainly the truth. A "friend" of mine called me to his house the other day and I was excited for many reasons, one is the fact that I got a chance to go somewhere and the other was the fact that I enjoy his company in the few times that we do see each other in a month. He asked me to do several things for him this week and I agreed to do them as I knew if it were me I would want someone to help me in the same fashion. He was supposed to call me so that he could bring the materials to my home, but he didn't. The next day, I sent a message to him (being kind). He didn't respond. I sent him an email the following day to ask about a free offer that he was giving to his clients...I wanted one for myself. He responded by saying that he would call me...and he did, but I never received the materials and I never got the free offer. So I gave up. There was nothing else to do. Another instance this weekend was that he wanted me to get a picture frame for one of his pictures. I sent him a text and he ignored me, so I gave up on that as well. Again, we don't truly know what effect our behavior has on others. I know that I did nothing wrong and that he owns the problem, but it certainly doesn't feel good to be ignored when you trying to help someone, especially someone who can be considered a friend. Truthfully, I felt quite lonely and hurt. I know that he is busy, but so am I. Figuratively, he forgot about me. I was trying to help.
You have to be so careful because you never know when you are entertaining angels. God lives inside of each of us and when we neglect another person, ignore the voice of God, or plainly mistreat someone, we aren't living in the manner in which he would like for us to live. Sometimes we are the only Jeusus that some people see. It's sad to know that we often live empty lives and don't even realize what we are doing in the world and what empact our actions have. My warning is to be careful how you treat others and don't get too selfish and caught up in your own problems that you forget that the love that someone may need has been put inside of you by God. Putting a little love in your heart is almost an understatement as it is already there. We just don't realize it and those who actually do realize it, don't always use it or know what to do with it. That's sad, ain't it?
Friday, January 4, 2008
Chapter 30: The Just and the Un-Just...Is there Justice?
In my heart, I am really sad. My brother called me to tell me that his former roomate had been sentenced to 2 years in prison for having sex with a minor. He had been facing 10 years and would have to be registered to be a sex offender. In a plea deal, he decided to take the two years so that he would not have to live with the stigma of being a sex offender. Truthfully, I think the thing that really makes me sad is that I know him and the fact that the same thing could've happened to my brother, me, or anyone for that matter. He is a really good guy who got caught in a really bad situation--a college student even, who thought he was dating a girl who was the same age as he when in fact, the girl was much younger than she said. What is sad is that I think she was white or of another race. I was soo hurt.
I am not saying that he is perfect or anything, but I don't agree with the whole idea of the young lady not being accused or questioned. It is true that young people look much older. A good example is me. I am 26 and I am told that I look 16. It is not that I look young, it is partly because children and teenagers look so much older now. I think it is that many young people want so badly to be grown so soon. This whole situation reminded me of something from the older days of the south when black men were accused speaking or waving or sometimes even raping white women. This didn't have to happen! I feel so strongly about it not only because it is unjust, but because he and my brother were roomates, they could've been together that day and my brother could very well be in the same situation. I am sad and outraged! I almost want to cry. This is an example of modern-day slavery.
America is interesting for the fact that there are laws to protect people, but then there are laws that in some ways, endanger others. We live in a country that puts people like Martha Stewart in prision because of stock market fraud, or tax evasion and then you have people like those in my community who rob banks out of desparity, or sell drugs in order to put food on the table who go to prison for years and years while you have those who commit crimes daily who sit on public boards and offices and never see jail. I just don't understand. I understand that there are laws in place to protect children, but in theory and in truth, the same people that many of these laws are meant to persecute don't ever see the system because many children who are really battered or really abused don't tell what happens and these same people go free daily. People who steal and embezzle money from companies or colleges that support so many people often go without being caught for years even. It really makes me sad to think about the reality of it all or even to be called a sex offender and to go to prison with that stigma. It is said that inmates don't treat you well when it is known that you have done something to a child. After reading the Jernarlo Lowe story, he mentioned that he wasn't mistreated as bad because the people there knew that he stood up against the very law that placed him there---a law similar to our friend. I believe part of that, but is makes me nervous because I'm sure that there are many things that go on in prison that many people cannot and will not speak about after leaving because it is too painful or embarrassing.
The justice system is very interesting. I will say, however this whole situation and other things that I have seen on my winter break have made me evaluate my freedom and to think about the things that are really important and precious to me. If I do nothing else in the new year, I will appreciate my freedom more, I understand that anything can happen to anyone at anytime for any reason. Simple things like sleeping in my own bed alone in my room, eating alone, bathing alone, driving, getting an education, working, or even dressing myself alone are all blessings and priviledges that we don't ever think about. I will also think about cherishing things a little more. God doesn't have to give me anything, in fact if he wanted to take something away from me at any time, he would. I need to cherish all that I do have. The phrase is "life like you were dying." Morrie, from the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" says that once you learn how to die, you will learn how to live," meaning if you realize that you really are going to die one day instead of pretending that that day will never come, you will cherish the days that you do have on earth a little more. I will understand that I am blessed...better than blessed. It will truly take all day to say thank you for everything. While I am very sad about this, I am thankful that he didn't get the maximum time and I am glad that he took a stand to say that I am not a sex offender and I refuse to be labled as such. The young lady who did this to him will not be let off the hook in theory in reference to the spirtual sense of things--you do reap what you sew. Our friend will be a stronger person after this and I pray that all of this will work out for his good. God I thank you. It rains on the just and the unjust and the Bible says, and right now I believe that it is raining on our friend. Contrary to what we think, however in order to grow we all need some rain. I believe it is when we dance in the rain that God brings out the sunshine.
I am not saying that he is perfect or anything, but I don't agree with the whole idea of the young lady not being accused or questioned. It is true that young people look much older. A good example is me. I am 26 and I am told that I look 16. It is not that I look young, it is partly because children and teenagers look so much older now. I think it is that many young people want so badly to be grown so soon. This whole situation reminded me of something from the older days of the south when black men were accused speaking or waving or sometimes even raping white women. This didn't have to happen! I feel so strongly about it not only because it is unjust, but because he and my brother were roomates, they could've been together that day and my brother could very well be in the same situation. I am sad and outraged! I almost want to cry. This is an example of modern-day slavery.
America is interesting for the fact that there are laws to protect people, but then there are laws that in some ways, endanger others. We live in a country that puts people like Martha Stewart in prision because of stock market fraud, or tax evasion and then you have people like those in my community who rob banks out of desparity, or sell drugs in order to put food on the table who go to prison for years and years while you have those who commit crimes daily who sit on public boards and offices and never see jail. I just don't understand. I understand that there are laws in place to protect children, but in theory and in truth, the same people that many of these laws are meant to persecute don't ever see the system because many children who are really battered or really abused don't tell what happens and these same people go free daily. People who steal and embezzle money from companies or colleges that support so many people often go without being caught for years even. It really makes me sad to think about the reality of it all or even to be called a sex offender and to go to prison with that stigma. It is said that inmates don't treat you well when it is known that you have done something to a child. After reading the Jernarlo Lowe story, he mentioned that he wasn't mistreated as bad because the people there knew that he stood up against the very law that placed him there---a law similar to our friend. I believe part of that, but is makes me nervous because I'm sure that there are many things that go on in prison that many people cannot and will not speak about after leaving because it is too painful or embarrassing.
The justice system is very interesting. I will say, however this whole situation and other things that I have seen on my winter break have made me evaluate my freedom and to think about the things that are really important and precious to me. If I do nothing else in the new year, I will appreciate my freedom more, I understand that anything can happen to anyone at anytime for any reason. Simple things like sleeping in my own bed alone in my room, eating alone, bathing alone, driving, getting an education, working, or even dressing myself alone are all blessings and priviledges that we don't ever think about. I will also think about cherishing things a little more. God doesn't have to give me anything, in fact if he wanted to take something away from me at any time, he would. I need to cherish all that I do have. The phrase is "life like you were dying." Morrie, from the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" says that once you learn how to die, you will learn how to live," meaning if you realize that you really are going to die one day instead of pretending that that day will never come, you will cherish the days that you do have on earth a little more. I will understand that I am blessed...better than blessed. It will truly take all day to say thank you for everything. While I am very sad about this, I am thankful that he didn't get the maximum time and I am glad that he took a stand to say that I am not a sex offender and I refuse to be labled as such. The young lady who did this to him will not be let off the hook in theory in reference to the spirtual sense of things--you do reap what you sew. Our friend will be a stronger person after this and I pray that all of this will work out for his good. God I thank you. It rains on the just and the unjust and the Bible says, and right now I believe that it is raining on our friend. Contrary to what we think, however in order to grow we all need some rain. I believe it is when we dance in the rain that God brings out the sunshine.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Chapter 29: The Power of Words...and Actions
I am an English teacher and a published writer. I have always loved words, primarily because I know that they carry so much weight. I have also admired other writers because of thier honesty and the fact that often many times one can write something and be totally anonymous--allowing their words to represent not only themselves, but the invisible person for whom they embody. The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the power of the tounge. If we, as people know as much, why do we spend so much time harming others. I am writing this after being awakened by my own thoughts in the middle of the night. I noticed that I am very careful when I choose my words. I try not to be judgemental of other people when they speak to me as I'm sure that I can be or that I am one step away from being in thier situation. I also try to be empathetic to everyone...most of the time because everyone is running around in the world trying to matter. I also know what it feels like to question why someone behaved or spoke in the fashion that they do. Mere words, quite frankly, can hurt like hell.
I was in bed and I was thinking about the fact that I just realized that I was an adult, last year I think. I don't mean this is the physical sense or in the numerical sense. I mean this is a figurative way...in a manner that challenged what I thought adulthood was. Here I am, I own my own home, I have earned tenure as a high school teacher--no doubt, I have two degrees and I am working on the third, and I am able to stand on my own--without a man. I am "for real and grown," yet in my mind, I don't feel grown. I have written about what it means to be an adult and what it means to be strong, both of which in my heart, I know that I embody, but sometimes it is not only the words in which we use to describe ourselves that cause us to think or identify, sadly it is also the words that we hear about ourselves or the words we are given that cause us to think or identify. It became clear to me that repeatedly, I am consistently reminded that I am young.
Sometimes, it can be considered cute when someone says "o...you're YOUNG!" In fact, I am the youngest person in my circle and one of the youngest at my job. I enjoy the fact that I am young and have accomplished so much in such a small amount of time, but I hate being reminded that I look young or quite simply that I am young. Older people like to believe that everyone who is young can be quite naive or stupid, to put it more clearly. While I agree with this to a degree with some cases, I know that indeed I am not as ignorant as many people my age. Because I look young I hear things like "o, you look like a child yourself. I bet those kids don't respect you." When I hear things like that, I get really articulate and say, "well, the students know exactly who I am and what I stand for. It is the adults who are the most ignorant and less tactful." Even when I am told, you look just like one of the students, I say thank you. It takes the sting out of what I am told and sprinkles it back to the giver. I say all of that to say, it is one thing to mention that you shouldn't allow someone else to define you, but it is another to note that all of us have been labeled at some point and unfortunately, we can be told negative things repeatedly and these things can become part of our own thinking. I didn't know that I was grown, not because I wasn't doing adult things, in fact I have been doing so since I was 16, I didn't know because for me, there was no bridge between my teenage years and adulthood--it all simply flowed together without any breaks. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly who I am and if I didn't know that, I know exactly who I am not. I know my strength and my potential as well. No can define you without your own consent, but it is interesting how the words and behaviors of other can cause you to think about your own identity.
Another thing that I noticed is that often we can be sad about words that others tell us and sometimes these things can have more of a sting than they intended to have or that we intended to allow them to have on us. It hurts to know that I know very few people who aren't very judgemental. For that reason, I am very careful about the things that I say and the counsel that I seek. In my heart, I am a little afraid that someone will say something hurtful to me about something that I can't control. I, in turn, will probably go there and say something offensive back...with the intent to hurt. I know that I would be hypocritical if I did so..."two stupids don't make a smart" of course! In 2007, I dealt with several things that I knew I couldn't tell to anyone, not because I didn't want to, but because I was afraid. I didn't feel like hearing...well I would have done this or that, or I have had worse, or any other phrase that would indicate that what I felt wasn't warranted. The phrase "what a friend we have in Jesus" never meant so much until last year. I don't mean to say that to be rude or trite, but mean that to say that in the process of maturation, it is important to know to whom to talk about what and what to talk about with whom. I truly believe we should watch what we say to others. It is simply a little lesson and scripture in the Bible that says "let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight. O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." The words that come from your mouth are not only yours, but they are also indicative of the content of your character and what is truly in your heart. The real person comes out at some of the weirdest times. Our actions do the same thing.
I have learned the people often behave in the manner in which they have been treated, but I also know that we don't think about what our actions say to other people. A good example is when I had a date with a man once. Since it was a "blockbuster night" at my house, I cooked dinner and cleaned my house. I was excited as I don't get many visitors and I was glad that all of my food turned out well....I cooked a lot of food. Sadly, however he didn't come. He didn't even call. I had to call him to make sure that everything was okay and legit and then to say what I needed to say. I was sad because I was so excited about having a visitor, but more strikingly, he said in his actions, that I wasn't important to him that day. Another example is when no one showed up to my initial housewarming party, it was like saying that I wasn't important at the time. I cannot be bitter because people can only be who they are and sometimes we don't know the messages that we send, but I will say that in the new year I will continue to try to treat others in the fashion that I want to be treated. Ghandi said "We must be the change that we want to see in the world." I would like to hope that I strive for and accomplish that often. I am not perfect, but I try to do what is right. I know that the way of the world is that people will hurt one another intentionally or unintentionally, but we should be careful with our speech and our actions.
I was in bed and I was thinking about the fact that I just realized that I was an adult, last year I think. I don't mean this is the physical sense or in the numerical sense. I mean this is a figurative way...in a manner that challenged what I thought adulthood was. Here I am, I own my own home, I have earned tenure as a high school teacher--no doubt, I have two degrees and I am working on the third, and I am able to stand on my own--without a man. I am "for real and grown," yet in my mind, I don't feel grown. I have written about what it means to be an adult and what it means to be strong, both of which in my heart, I know that I embody, but sometimes it is not only the words in which we use to describe ourselves that cause us to think or identify, sadly it is also the words that we hear about ourselves or the words we are given that cause us to think or identify. It became clear to me that repeatedly, I am consistently reminded that I am young.
Sometimes, it can be considered cute when someone says "o...you're YOUNG!" In fact, I am the youngest person in my circle and one of the youngest at my job. I enjoy the fact that I am young and have accomplished so much in such a small amount of time, but I hate being reminded that I look young or quite simply that I am young. Older people like to believe that everyone who is young can be quite naive or stupid, to put it more clearly. While I agree with this to a degree with some cases, I know that indeed I am not as ignorant as many people my age. Because I look young I hear things like "o, you look like a child yourself. I bet those kids don't respect you." When I hear things like that, I get really articulate and say, "well, the students know exactly who I am and what I stand for. It is the adults who are the most ignorant and less tactful." Even when I am told, you look just like one of the students, I say thank you. It takes the sting out of what I am told and sprinkles it back to the giver. I say all of that to say, it is one thing to mention that you shouldn't allow someone else to define you, but it is another to note that all of us have been labeled at some point and unfortunately, we can be told negative things repeatedly and these things can become part of our own thinking. I didn't know that I was grown, not because I wasn't doing adult things, in fact I have been doing so since I was 16, I didn't know because for me, there was no bridge between my teenage years and adulthood--it all simply flowed together without any breaks. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly who I am and if I didn't know that, I know exactly who I am not. I know my strength and my potential as well. No can define you without your own consent, but it is interesting how the words and behaviors of other can cause you to think about your own identity.
Another thing that I noticed is that often we can be sad about words that others tell us and sometimes these things can have more of a sting than they intended to have or that we intended to allow them to have on us. It hurts to know that I know very few people who aren't very judgemental. For that reason, I am very careful about the things that I say and the counsel that I seek. In my heart, I am a little afraid that someone will say something hurtful to me about something that I can't control. I, in turn, will probably go there and say something offensive back...with the intent to hurt. I know that I would be hypocritical if I did so..."two stupids don't make a smart" of course! In 2007, I dealt with several things that I knew I couldn't tell to anyone, not because I didn't want to, but because I was afraid. I didn't feel like hearing...well I would have done this or that, or I have had worse, or any other phrase that would indicate that what I felt wasn't warranted. The phrase "what a friend we have in Jesus" never meant so much until last year. I don't mean to say that to be rude or trite, but mean that to say that in the process of maturation, it is important to know to whom to talk about what and what to talk about with whom. I truly believe we should watch what we say to others. It is simply a little lesson and scripture in the Bible that says "let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight. O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." The words that come from your mouth are not only yours, but they are also indicative of the content of your character and what is truly in your heart. The real person comes out at some of the weirdest times. Our actions do the same thing.
I have learned the people often behave in the manner in which they have been treated, but I also know that we don't think about what our actions say to other people. A good example is when I had a date with a man once. Since it was a "blockbuster night" at my house, I cooked dinner and cleaned my house. I was excited as I don't get many visitors and I was glad that all of my food turned out well....I cooked a lot of food. Sadly, however he didn't come. He didn't even call. I had to call him to make sure that everything was okay and legit and then to say what I needed to say. I was sad because I was so excited about having a visitor, but more strikingly, he said in his actions, that I wasn't important to him that day. Another example is when no one showed up to my initial housewarming party, it was like saying that I wasn't important at the time. I cannot be bitter because people can only be who they are and sometimes we don't know the messages that we send, but I will say that in the new year I will continue to try to treat others in the fashion that I want to be treated. Ghandi said "We must be the change that we want to see in the world." I would like to hope that I strive for and accomplish that often. I am not perfect, but I try to do what is right. I know that the way of the world is that people will hurt one another intentionally or unintentionally, but we should be careful with our speech and our actions.
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