Chapter 23: Subconscious Behavior

I like to monitor my own behavior before I allow anyone else that task. In other words, I check myself before someone else attempts to. One thing that I noticed in myself that I didnt necessarily like is the fact that I have begun to treat people as some folks have treated me. For example, I had a hell of a night one Sunday and I went to the doctor's office on Monday. Subconsciously I began to treat random strangers just as I felt I had been treated. I saw an older lady who was a little "heavy-set" who just happened to be walking with a cane as I walked in to the office. She was behind me. Normally, I would have waited and opened the door for her to be courteous, but for some reason, I felt so discouraged about being kind to other people that I didn't sincerely want to help the elderly lady. After I sat down and as she sat down near me, I felt bad. I know that this was very out of character for me, but it is how I felt at the moment. Another instance was after I walked out of the office. Behind my car was a lady who seemed to be vomitting behind my car. There was a man there to help her, so I didn't feel inclined to immediately respond. My response, however was to stay out of it. As a result of this, I sat in my car and I talked on my phone until the people moved. There was another good samaritan that went to get the nurses from inside, to help the situation. I know that it sounds weird, but it was almost as if God were giving me another chance to do the right thing, but somehow, I didn't. I think that I felt so down that I didn't care about anyone else. In this respect, I had begun to behave like the people that I don't particularly fancy. Another thing that I noticed is that I really don't like whinning...this I have known for years, but as I was facilitating a teacher conference the other day, I heard the teacher say over and over again how sorry she was and that she has so much on her plate and she was unable to adequately do her job as a teacher. Certainly, I understood, but I treated her like I had been treated--I steered her away from her whinning. I subconsciously made it clear that I didn't want to hear this from her. It is wrong, I know and I'm sure that it made her feel awkward to hear it from another teacher, but I tried to be as professional as possible. Ultimately, I treated her like I had been treated because I wanted someone else to feel like I felt. We tend to do this sometimes, even when we don't intend to.

I believe that subconsciously I have developed a control mechanism that has allowed me to treat people like I have been treated. When I say control I mean that to say that it is my way to control the situations that I am placed in. It keeps me from being taken advantage of. I know that it isn't right and certainly not me, but I noticed that I have been behaving this way for a few days now. I think my mind is saying that it's tired. I know that in my heart of hearts, I will continue to behave in my normal fashion, but I am tired of being kind and not being treated kindly in return. I know that the bible says not to be weary of well doing because for my day is on its way and that God in heaven can do anything, but I think that what I am subconsciously doing is my way of trying to protect myself. Weird isn't it.

There are things that I have known for most of my life, like the fact that everybody ain't got a word and that you can't always assume that people will be kind to you, but these things have never been so evident until now..my 26th birthday (November 1). I am sad to say that I have, what I call, a "semi-negative" view of people. I believe that many people make an effort to be good, but somewhere between that effort and reality, they (or we) fall short. These instances can be in part to the way we have been treated or experiences that we have had or the lack thereof. I have learned that it is not wise to immediately judge someone's behavior because you never know why he or she behaves in a certain way. For this reason, I understand that I shouldn't think about the fact that I shouldn't allow myself to worry about how sad I feel because someone else can't appreciate me. In a lot of instances I understand that a lot of the people I encounter are in fact ill and some have had difficulties that in some cases they feel that everyone should constantly be aware and for my sanity, I have to know that when people are hurting and consciously or subconsciously thier behavior will be irrational and you or I can be in the pathway of thier hurt. It is not that one chooses to be there intently, it is simply how the world works. Right now in my life, I more mature, but I understand that God is building my character to receive all that he has designed for me. I also understand that sometimes, just as with Jesus, we have to experience difficulty in order for the will of God to be fulfilled. Jesus had haters, bad friendships, stress, pain, and struggles. I am no different. This is truly something that I need to pray more and more about, but right now, I have been consciously keeping myself away from other people more often than not. I think that this is my way of clearing the air for myself and attempting to make things a little safer for me. While everything will not be perfect and not everyone can be kind, I do know that I can control myself, my own behavior, and the way in which I feel.