This summer was eventful. I didn't want to teach summer school this summer because I felt like I needed to shift gears a little. I worked at a university as an advior, I took my practicum class where I counseled three clients, I facilitated support groups for Schizophrenic clients, and I taught an SAT prep course. I was also in the July issue of Essence Magazine for the highlighted book clubs in the country! I was sooo surprised, but excited. To say the least, after all of my work experience, I am tired, but I feel like I have grown tremendously. I worked in first year advising and exploration advising and counseling students seeking coursework in the College of Sciences with social sciences, sociology, psychology, anthropology, and legal studies as majors. I really enjoyed this, but I know that I would like to work in the K-12 school setting; there's more money there. :) My counseling experience, however was much different. In the beginning, I wasn't sure if I could use what I learned in the classroom and take it into the clinic because I was at a place where I felt like I didn't learn very much and I was the only student in the class that had the counseling techniques course almost two years ago. I also felt like, I was never going to use any of this in the school setting. I worked with four children. One child was severely ADHD, one was dealing with divorce, one was mildly retarded and bi-polar, and the last had been abused, kicked-out of school, and suicidal. Amazingly I learned a lot and I grew into my own style as a counselor. I feel like I have done a 360 from who I was when I entered into the program and who I am now. I connected very well with each of my clients as I saw little parts of me or people I knew in each of them. I think that that was important for me to heal. One thing that I saw in one of them was the notion that he couldn't elaborate on what he was feeling. He knew that he was sad, but there were so many things that he was doing in the run of a day that he didn't allow himself to think or focus on the hurt. In that session, when I discovered that in the client, I had to leave the room because I was fighting back tears. The child and the adult in me understood him so closely. I do the exact same thing. I live in survival mode often...that is all that I know how to do. I also related to some of my clients in the fact that they felt vulnerable and unheard sometimes. I'm glad that I had that experience, but I am also glad that it's over.
My other interesting endeavour was working in the mental health facility. I was terrified at first because the place seemed so "sterile." I didn't want anyone to have an episode while we were in group because I felt as though I wouldn't know what to do. I also was a little scared to be there because I thought that it would be a lot like the psychiatric wards that we see on television. After watching other groups there for about a week I felt confident. I realised that the clients were people too, they just had medical concerns and life's strains and struggles caused many of them to have episodes. Thankfully no one had an episode. It was funny, however when I tried to leave the center and I was locked in. I almost had a fit myself! The doors are locked on both sides so that clients won't break out. So I had to calm down quickly to get someone to let me out. I wasn't ready! The experience there made me more thankful for my life and my mind. I am more at ease when the mental healthcare system because as a school counseling student, I didn't have a real concept of it. The SAT class made me appreciate my journey in this life and I discovered that working with children is my calling. My counseling supervior in the clinic told me that I have an amazing balance when working with kids. I can make a child respect me, I can maintain that playful and supportive rapport with them. I looked her in her eyes and I truly believe her. My teaching career was something that I was born to do, but I felt like I was placed there because I tried to escape it. My studies as a counselor were something that my parents encouraged me to do first instead of getting a master's degree in curriculm and instruction, so I felt placed there as well, but I believe that God uses people as uniforms to lead and guide us to the places that he wants us to be sometimes because we can't do it on our own. Ultimately, I know that God has me exactly where he wants me to be placed. I can honestly say that there is nothing that I can't do after this summer. Right now, however I am trying to get myself back into the mode of being Ms. B the English teacher. I have to get my evil diva teacher mind together. Lol. I'm not on my A game, but I will be on it soon. I have a big task ahead of me, I will work both as a teacher and a school counselor at the same time in the fall. More growth and more work, but the journey of going to graduate school for the first time is almost over.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Chapter 11: Gettin' Grown
At what point does one really feel grown? Is it when you have an opportunity to live outside of your mother's home? Is it when you make all of your own decisions? Is it when you walk across the stage to shake hands with a person whom you may have never seen face to face to receive your diploma or degree? Or is it when you get a real job? I stand at a point when I have to question what adulthood means. I have come to a point in which I believe that when you are grown there are some things that truly don't matter anymore like whether so and so will be your friends if you tell them the truth or will this man really love me when I tell him the truth. I am standing alone at 25 and I understand that there are so many things that I have had overcome to reach this juncture in my life.
Throughout the year, I have made a conscious decision to back away from some people in my life. Yes, I know that people make mistakes and those who are your friends are bound to hurt you and you are bound to hurt them at some point, but there is one thing that I do know for sure and it's the fact that I have to protect my heart and my feelings. My mom and my grandfather say that all you have in this life (along with the Lord) is your name and your feelings. I agree with that. So I say that to say that it doesn't matter anymore about anyone else and what they do or think because people can't help but be people and they will say and do just about anything. I care about me. Blessed is he who doesn't seek counsel among the ungodly or unwise...in other words "everybody ain't got a word."
What I find funny in every day conversations is how judgemental people can be when listening to one's life experiences. Being that I am a counselor, one of the first things that I learned was that when you are presented with a client you are not supposed to give advice. You are supposed to listen and give positive un-biased regard to that individual because it is not the counselor's job to judge, but it is their job to lead the client to thier own recovery. I have been saved by the grace and love of God from so many things when men are concerned. I am one of the only people that I know that didn't immediately go on a journey to definitively call themselves grown when they left home...to put it plainly, I didn't get buck wild when I went to college. My parents did a good job of letting us have a little bit of freedom when we were growing up so that when we got older it wasn't that serious to "wild out" so to speak. I have to be easy on myself and say that I think that I have done well for myself. I have made it this far without a baby and STDs or hospital bills from a domestic violence dispute. I can say that I haven't stalked a man before. I haven't completely lost my mind behind one either. I have held on to my integrity in some strangely amazing ways, but what I have a hard time listening to is other's criticism of me when I do open up about some of the things that I have gone through.
I think that it's funny when women mention that they wouldn't have dealt with this man and that man or they hint to the notion that maybe I don't love myself because if I did, I wouldn't be involved with certain men. When I hear things I realise that I can't control what others will say to me, but I can control how I respond and how I feel when it is said. I like to think about something that Susan Taylor, the editoral director of Essence magazine, said, "I didn't understand that I wasn't a bad girl, only a child seeking love." I think for me, when dealing with my crazy and short lived relationships it wasn't that I didn't love myself, I was able to stand on my own, but I did it because in my relationships with other people there was a lack of sincerity on thier part. For that reason, I stuck with the men in hopes that they would be the sincere person that I needed. I was raised to make things work out. I don't know any different than that. It's not that I didn't have God, it is just human to want companionship on earth. Everyone has a coping mechanism or a system of personal control and for me it was to try to make sense of things and to be forgiving. I felt like if I could be kind and loving I would, according to "the secret" draw the same type of people into my life. While I believe that that's possible, for me, those situations that I have faced were only part of the process of my destiny in this life; not mistakes. If I'd never faced adversity, I would never know how and when to call on the Lord. Struggles have been one of the best tools for me when I stepped into the classroom as an educator and into the clinic as a counselor.
Each of my "relationships" most of which didn't last longer than 3 months, were the result of my attempt to mend the hurt that I felt from the previous relationship. I think that it began when I was younger when I genuinely cared about my boyfriend and I was supportive and caring, but despite all of that, he still cheated on me. I believe that at a young age, I felt hurt by the fact that when you care or love someone, because they are still people, they, and you are not exempt from hurting someone else or being hurt. So after that I decided to just date and have fun, but for me dating isn't fun like it looked for other women. I learned that girls like me weren't necessarily in style with young men in a world where casual sex is the status quo and wildn' out is a top priority. So to say the least, college dating for me was and still is rough. Most of my friends from college have never seen me with a man. I didn't have what some girls had...I didn't have the boyfriend to come visit me or support me in my endeavours. I did, however and thankfully have my family as my number one fan base. I am proud that I was able to hold on to the person that I am and my intergrity all while growing into my self. Going to parties alone or spending birthdays alone because some people simply can't be there is alone, enough to slightly tarnish anyone's self-esteem, but somehow I have been able to rise above that.
I find it funny when others feels so opinionated about things and become hypocritical about some of the things that I have experienced or people that I have been friends with in this life. The Lord is my shepherd and my hero, whom shall I fear and who can be against me? It is amazing how other people will spend a lot of time trying to make you feel less than or attempt to hype themselves up. One is grown when none of that matters anymore. It's kinda like the words to the song, "Shout" there are simply some things that you can do without. Being grown is living out another chapter of your life and being okay with that. It is also not living in mediocrity, but dreaming a bigger and greater dream because if God can give you more than you can ever ask or think, wouldn't it make sense to dream a greater dream so that the one he has created will exceed that by far? Being grown is realising and appreciating one's strength and growth. I can honestly say that my education, my home, and my career don't define me as an adult, but it is my frame of mind, my intergrity, my heart, and my growth in thinking that do. I am a survivor and I am more than a conqueror. I am so thankful that God saves us each for a special purpose. While I'm not sure what mine is, I am so greatful for the assurance of the fact that there is a purpose. Being grown is stepping up to and into your spiritual car and saying okay God I'll go wherever you take me and whatever you take me through I will still spend always with you. He is God. It's like Whitney Houston says, "He lifts me up. He gives me love. He's all I've got (and) he's all the (man) I need." Period.
Throughout the year, I have made a conscious decision to back away from some people in my life. Yes, I know that people make mistakes and those who are your friends are bound to hurt you and you are bound to hurt them at some point, but there is one thing that I do know for sure and it's the fact that I have to protect my heart and my feelings. My mom and my grandfather say that all you have in this life (along with the Lord) is your name and your feelings. I agree with that. So I say that to say that it doesn't matter anymore about anyone else and what they do or think because people can't help but be people and they will say and do just about anything. I care about me. Blessed is he who doesn't seek counsel among the ungodly or unwise...in other words "everybody ain't got a word."
What I find funny in every day conversations is how judgemental people can be when listening to one's life experiences. Being that I am a counselor, one of the first things that I learned was that when you are presented with a client you are not supposed to give advice. You are supposed to listen and give positive un-biased regard to that individual because it is not the counselor's job to judge, but it is their job to lead the client to thier own recovery. I have been saved by the grace and love of God from so many things when men are concerned. I am one of the only people that I know that didn't immediately go on a journey to definitively call themselves grown when they left home...to put it plainly, I didn't get buck wild when I went to college. My parents did a good job of letting us have a little bit of freedom when we were growing up so that when we got older it wasn't that serious to "wild out" so to speak. I have to be easy on myself and say that I think that I have done well for myself. I have made it this far without a baby and STDs or hospital bills from a domestic violence dispute. I can say that I haven't stalked a man before. I haven't completely lost my mind behind one either. I have held on to my integrity in some strangely amazing ways, but what I have a hard time listening to is other's criticism of me when I do open up about some of the things that I have gone through.
I think that it's funny when women mention that they wouldn't have dealt with this man and that man or they hint to the notion that maybe I don't love myself because if I did, I wouldn't be involved with certain men. When I hear things I realise that I can't control what others will say to me, but I can control how I respond and how I feel when it is said. I like to think about something that Susan Taylor, the editoral director of Essence magazine, said, "I didn't understand that I wasn't a bad girl, only a child seeking love." I think for me, when dealing with my crazy and short lived relationships it wasn't that I didn't love myself, I was able to stand on my own, but I did it because in my relationships with other people there was a lack of sincerity on thier part. For that reason, I stuck with the men in hopes that they would be the sincere person that I needed. I was raised to make things work out. I don't know any different than that. It's not that I didn't have God, it is just human to want companionship on earth. Everyone has a coping mechanism or a system of personal control and for me it was to try to make sense of things and to be forgiving. I felt like if I could be kind and loving I would, according to "the secret" draw the same type of people into my life. While I believe that that's possible, for me, those situations that I have faced were only part of the process of my destiny in this life; not mistakes. If I'd never faced adversity, I would never know how and when to call on the Lord. Struggles have been one of the best tools for me when I stepped into the classroom as an educator and into the clinic as a counselor.
Each of my "relationships" most of which didn't last longer than 3 months, were the result of my attempt to mend the hurt that I felt from the previous relationship. I think that it began when I was younger when I genuinely cared about my boyfriend and I was supportive and caring, but despite all of that, he still cheated on me. I believe that at a young age, I felt hurt by the fact that when you care or love someone, because they are still people, they, and you are not exempt from hurting someone else or being hurt. So after that I decided to just date and have fun, but for me dating isn't fun like it looked for other women. I learned that girls like me weren't necessarily in style with young men in a world where casual sex is the status quo and wildn' out is a top priority. So to say the least, college dating for me was and still is rough. Most of my friends from college have never seen me with a man. I didn't have what some girls had...I didn't have the boyfriend to come visit me or support me in my endeavours. I did, however and thankfully have my family as my number one fan base. I am proud that I was able to hold on to the person that I am and my intergrity all while growing into my self. Going to parties alone or spending birthdays alone because some people simply can't be there is alone, enough to slightly tarnish anyone's self-esteem, but somehow I have been able to rise above that.
I find it funny when others feels so opinionated about things and become hypocritical about some of the things that I have experienced or people that I have been friends with in this life. The Lord is my shepherd and my hero, whom shall I fear and who can be against me? It is amazing how other people will spend a lot of time trying to make you feel less than or attempt to hype themselves up. One is grown when none of that matters anymore. It's kinda like the words to the song, "Shout" there are simply some things that you can do without. Being grown is living out another chapter of your life and being okay with that. It is also not living in mediocrity, but dreaming a bigger and greater dream because if God can give you more than you can ever ask or think, wouldn't it make sense to dream a greater dream so that the one he has created will exceed that by far? Being grown is realising and appreciating one's strength and growth. I can honestly say that my education, my home, and my career don't define me as an adult, but it is my frame of mind, my intergrity, my heart, and my growth in thinking that do. I am a survivor and I am more than a conqueror. I am so thankful that God saves us each for a special purpose. While I'm not sure what mine is, I am so greatful for the assurance of the fact that there is a purpose. Being grown is stepping up to and into your spiritual car and saying okay God I'll go wherever you take me and whatever you take me through I will still spend always with you. He is God. It's like Whitney Houston says, "He lifts me up. He gives me love. He's all I've got (and) he's all the (man) I need." Period.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Chapter 10: The Secret about the Secret
To be honest, I think the secret, which is not really a secret, to best things in life is God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus. I was watching Oprah the other day and I saw a re-run about the show on how single women can find men and why so many women are single. On the show I saw this lady, Kathy who has written a book called, The One. I read part of the book and I was almost angry because it emphasized part of what she believed "The Secret" to be. From my understanding, "the secret" is the notion that you get whatever you put out into the universe. In other words, the situations and circumstances in your life happen because of something that you give out to the world. While I believe that there are so many things that we put upon ourselves, such as the company that we keep, I don't believe that it is necessarily your fault when bad circumstances, situations, or maybe even stupid people come your way. A good example would be people living in poverty. Is it always their fault?
So when I watched Oprah, I understood both sides of the argument. As a single woman, I do agree that in some situations one can invite certain circumstances or people in one's life, but there is so much game out there in the world and there are people who are preditors to even the strongest women. Is that you're fault that you meet a stupid man? It is your fault when you behave in a certain manner, however. I think that there are people who come into one's life to teach them certain things. On the flip side of that, I do realize that men here in the world now are a different breed. It was so easy for the women on the show to talk about how there was so much that was wrong with the single women on the show, but I tend to think that there are things wrong with people in general. To say the least, it is truly "hard out here for a pimp." Dating can be rough for some and I think people should look at it holistically instead of trying to cast blame.
When I look at my situation, I don't believe that there's anything wrong with me. I believe that the Lord is strengthening me and allowing me to experience things so that I can not only give him honor, but also so that when I get married I won't have to sit and wonder what if. I can honestly say that I am living the single life with my own things and my own rules. My mother told me once that when things go wrong with me I tend to think that it's me and the truth is that the men that I've dealt with can't handle me or they are caught up in other things. It's not that I'm a bad woman or anything, I'm just on a different page. As hard as that is to dealt with, it is okay. So I say that to say that on one hand we are what we present to the world and God will give us what we need in the time of need, particularly in life's lessons, but in terms of what I understand from "the secret" it's almost like saying that good people will always get good things and those who do bad things will always get bad things. The bible says gifts come without repentence. It doesn't always work out that good people never have trouble and vice versa. Things do work together for the good of those who love the Lord, however. Again in the matter I think that instead of casting blame for one's situations in life, we should focus on ourselves...be it with the secret of without it. I just think that it's funny how people try to find answers for things that in some cases we may not be able to understand.
So when I watched Oprah, I understood both sides of the argument. As a single woman, I do agree that in some situations one can invite certain circumstances or people in one's life, but there is so much game out there in the world and there are people who are preditors to even the strongest women. Is that you're fault that you meet a stupid man? It is your fault when you behave in a certain manner, however. I think that there are people who come into one's life to teach them certain things. On the flip side of that, I do realize that men here in the world now are a different breed. It was so easy for the women on the show to talk about how there was so much that was wrong with the single women on the show, but I tend to think that there are things wrong with people in general. To say the least, it is truly "hard out here for a pimp." Dating can be rough for some and I think people should look at it holistically instead of trying to cast blame.
When I look at my situation, I don't believe that there's anything wrong with me. I believe that the Lord is strengthening me and allowing me to experience things so that I can not only give him honor, but also so that when I get married I won't have to sit and wonder what if. I can honestly say that I am living the single life with my own things and my own rules. My mother told me once that when things go wrong with me I tend to think that it's me and the truth is that the men that I've dealt with can't handle me or they are caught up in other things. It's not that I'm a bad woman or anything, I'm just on a different page. As hard as that is to dealt with, it is okay. So I say that to say that on one hand we are what we present to the world and God will give us what we need in the time of need, particularly in life's lessons, but in terms of what I understand from "the secret" it's almost like saying that good people will always get good things and those who do bad things will always get bad things. The bible says gifts come without repentence. It doesn't always work out that good people never have trouble and vice versa. Things do work together for the good of those who love the Lord, however. Again in the matter I think that instead of casting blame for one's situations in life, we should focus on ourselves...be it with the secret of without it. I just think that it's funny how people try to find answers for things that in some cases we may not be able to understand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)