Chapter 48: I Found My Smile Again: Why I Love My Honey

I heard Mary J. Blige (MJB) say on The BET Honors show the other day that she had to hit "rock bottom" before things made sense in and about this thing we call life. It was then that she really began to pray and that is when her husband walked into her life. I can completely understand her. As I look at pictures of myself over the years that I have lived in this area and I evaluate my life, I can relate. I'm not sure that I hit rock bottom, but I will say I have been in some low places, emotionally for several years. MJB also mentioned that she didn't have anyone around her to help her in that regard to make her life better. I have been there too. Much can be said about how everyone is out for themselves and in most of my cases, many people have taken away from me instead of giving to me. I know that God not only sustained, and continues to sustain , my mind through all of my struggles, he also perserved my relationship with the woman who introduced me to my boyfriend. Over the years she watched me go through quite a bit including many abusive relationships that I have had. She was able to see things about me that I didn't coherently and possibly, intentionally see. I know that simply for that reason alone, I believe that my relationship with my boyfriend was meant to be.

It is no mistake that I have wanted to visit and possibly live in the Charlotte, NC area for the last few years. I lost that desire, however when I thought about how lonely it would be and the costs and risks of leaving everything and everybody that I knew...so I bought a home here in Florida. It is also no mistake that I have dreamed about going to the Virgin Islands for years. I'm not sure why I have dreamed of these things, but they were placed in my heart for such a reason as this...the man I love. My love lives in Charlotte and he's a native the U.S. Virgin Islands.

I love him because in many ways he has given me a reason to change the people, places, and things that I have allowed myself to be around. I've changed those things not because he told me to or anything like that, but because I don't have a desire for those things anymore. He doesn't seek to tell me what to do. He has helped me to think about things much differently. I look at culture a little differently as well . People of African descent are uniquely different and I have been exposed to many cultures, but I never really and truly became open-minded until now. I have also thought about doing bigger and better things in a way that I never have. I have always had my family to support me, but I now have someone else in my corner. He continues to be proud of me and he encourages me to do better than what I done in the past. He helps me to be a better woman--a happier woman.

I love him because he loves me back. He accepts me as I am and he loves the things that I thought were almost "unloveable." He is truly my best friend. He is someone with whom I can be honest and vulnerable. He is the reason that I really and truly smile again. I don't have to try and think about whether he is real or sincere because it is an assurance that I have about it. It is an inward happiness that I have. I'm not worried about whether he will be outwardly and purposely be abusive or rude or unfair because I am confident in my love for him. While I am not naive about the evil that many men can do, I do know this for sure, I will not and cannot be fooled with anyone who is cantankerous or even dangerous. I don't feel any of that about him. Even if something should happen today--God forbid--I know that my position in this relationship is purposeful. I am here to learn as well as love and give love. I do believe that this moment in my life is written in the stars. This is why I love him. He is really my "knight in shining honor." I'm glad he's mine! :)

...and the church said..AMEN! :)

Chapter 47: Before I turn 30..Remixed and Rethought

Chapter 3 of this blog was about some things that I wanted to do by the time I am 30. I believe that I was about 25 when I wrote it so at 27 some things have already been completed and I have conjured up some new ones to replace them. I am proud that I have done the following:
1. Finished my Master's Program
2. Maintain a size 12 or simply a healthy weight for my height---Maybe not as healthy as I could be, but I am still the same size.
3. Dance in the rain (DONE! Figuratively) Maybe not literally, but I did it!
4. Scrapbooking...I got a kit as a gift, but I haven't used it yet.

These are some of the things that I no longer want to do or i have reconsidered the importance of the timing for these things:
1. Although it is relatively cheaper to buy a house now--I don't want to buy one any time soon--especially not by myself.
2. Learn to speak another language. It's a gift and possibly fun, but I no longer care. (At least not as of today. :) )
3. Become a member of an investment club. Maybe one day on the other side of 40--but not any time soon.
4. Get a dog. I really do want one because I love dogs so much, but I'll wait until the time is right.
5. See the Pacific Ocean. Doesn't really matter when I see it. I just want to see it before I die.
6. Learn latin dances and ballroom dances. Doesn't matter when I learn really. It just looks like fun.
7. See Prince in concert and go on Tom Joyner's Fantastic Voyage . Doesn't matter when I go...
8. Learn how to build webpages and websites.
9. Have a baby.
10.Begin work on my own charitable foundation. Doesn't matter when...

Here is my list with my additions:

1. Go to the Caribbean to a Carnival Festival (Almost DONE! Thankful to see one in the Bahamas, but want to see one in another West Indian location. )
2. Learn how to play spades...for real. :)
3. Sing Karoke... I guess almost pull a "Benny and the Jets" from the movie "27 Dresses," minus the alcohol.
4. Maybe get a specialist degree...field unknown...possibly educational leadership with a focus in higher education...the jury is still out about the doctoral degree...
5. Go Scuba Diving or swimming with dolphins
6. Ride a horse...
7. Ride a motorcycle...I'm embarrassed because my honey rides bikes. I need to do better!
8. Submit a letter to the editor of the local editor
9. Begin writing a book
10. Start my own business
11. Submit an essay for publication in a journal or a manuscript for a column or blog site.
12. Go to Seattle
13. Go to Hawaii
14. Take a Belly Dancing class
15. Build a Habitat for Humanity House.
16. Go to the Cirque du Soliel
17. Go fishing
18. Fly first class somewhere.

It may not be 30 things as of now, but I am learning to take things in stride...I'm sure there will be more things to come. I'll keep you posted as I go along. :)