Yesterday was my first Christmas away from home. I spent it in Charlotte, North Carolina with my boyfriend of about two years. This year was different on so many levels as my little brother spent his first Christmas with his family including his new two-month old daughter, Bri. Because the baby is still very small, he had the day activities at his house in Gainesville with my parents and his girlfriend's family. I love my boyfriend very much, but I have to admit that this Christmas was very different and it forced me to really evaluate what Christmas is really for. I couldn't afford to buy him a Christmas gift this year because I ran out of money after buying food for us while I was there and buying things for my plane trip up. I did, get a chance to make gifts before I left, but of course they weren't the usual. I was thankful that he wasn't vain about it and simply said, "Who cares about a gift? My gift is your plane ticket up here." :) I was so glad he said that because I really felt crappy, especially after looking at my parents' faces when they saw what I bought them for Christmas...my parents tend to get upset when they think that I've spent too much money on someone else and not enough on them. My dad even offered to buy my boyfriend a plane ticket to Florida just so that I wouldn't be away from home this year...I guess after years of feeling like he didn't like me or he intentionally was hard on me, I guess I learned that he really does love and like me. :)
We had a very modest Christmas. We had a nice small tree with just gifts for just us and the dog Shadow. We woke up early and he cooked breakfast for me, just as I asked him. It was great. We watched "The Hangover." It was really funny. All in all, my Christmas was uniquely different. I really missed my family and some of the traditions that we have done over the years. Out of my brother and I, I have been the only one to come home for Christmas every years since I was born. Today, I am 28 years old. It is really hard to change things after almost 30 years.
I learned that Christmas is really about Christ and the blessings that he has given us, especially, his life. I learned that Christmas is about connecting with the people that matter the most to you---like family and good friends. For me, I enjoyed spending time with my man--especially since we live in two separate states. We enjoyed laughing and talking to each other all day as we don't get a chance to do that often. Family is especially important. I took the dog out yesterday and as we were walking I looked in the window of another apartment and saw a family putting food on the table---kinda like a grocery store commercial. I thought about my family and how we have parties or just get together on the holidays for no particular reason, other than to be together. We didn't have anyone this year but each other--we are family. I enjoyed spending my time with him even though I felt sad about not being in Florida with my family. I also learned about who my real friends are. I shouldn't feel stupid because I called someone that I consider a friend and they kinda reacted like, why are you calling me so early( 10:00 am)...I thought since we've known each other for 10 years that we could speak to each other early on Christmas. :) I guess not. This Christmas indeed made me think about the direction in which I want my life to go and to think about all that is important to me. I don't regret being here at all because I love him and our days together are few, but it has truly made me think about what real love is and how to sustain it.
It was also very different to be home alone during this time. Unlike my parents, who work in the same profession, my boyfriend and I do not. He works in healthcare and I work in education. I wasn't used to being home alone because when I was growing up, my parents were always off at the same time. I couldn't be angry because I know that my man is working to make a living--especially after the year he has had. My time alone, is indeed secondary, but different. All in all, being able to be here is a blessing all by itself. If I had to do it all over again, I would do the very same thing. I have to grow up and do my own thing at some point and this is it. :)
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Chapter 58: You Don't Know my Struggle
What I have found over the years is that single women tell married women that they (the married women) don't know what it's like to be single in these times. Married women tell single women that their lives (single women) are much better, freer, and possibly more simple than theirs. Women with children do the same thing by telling women who are not mothers that their lives (the child-less women) are not as tough as theirs. I have learned that you can't judge a person based on what status they are or what they have or lack thereof. There are women who have no children of their own that take care of their parents or work several jobs and go to school at night. There are educated women who are homeless or women who are struggling to survive to say the least. In essence everyone's experience as a single person isn't the same as others. I remember a friend of mine got angry because someone told her that because she was in the military he "knew" or assumed that she was promiscuous. Her reaction was, just because you were promiscuous while you were in the military, doesn't mean that I am. I can equate that to other stages in life. Just because your single life was a certain way doesn't mean that mine is like yours. Ultimately, I think that people enjoy telling other people that "you don't know my story" or "you don't know what it feels like to be me."
Friday, October 16, 2009
Chapter 57: Hmm...Choosing to Feel or to Talk about Feelings
Over the last year, I have gone through a lot of different and possibly life changing things. I have been unable to sleep at night for hours and I haven't been sure of what I was thinking or feeling until recently. I think ultimately, I have been angry and maybe even perplexed about some of my feelings and unable to tell others about my thoughts--partially because I feel like there is no one to tell. I think over time, I have become angry at some of my family members, maybe at myself, and at my situation. I don't think my anger was tainted will mal intent, but I think that I have grown angry because I feel misunderstood or cheated out of having a sense of normalcy.
My boyfriend is currently unemployed and has been so for about 5 months now. I don't believe that it was due to any fault of his own. He was told that his department was being downsized, but then the school that he worked at even hired another person after they fired him. I have been torn because I would like to be near him as he lives 8.5 hours away from me, but I know that it may be at least another year and a half until we are actually together in the same city. He moved away to work at that school and with that, he left me. I feel angry at the school because I felt like that was shady and I also felt like that (the school) was the reason that he left me as he went there to work when he lost his job here in Florida. I know that that may be irrational to someone else, but it is how I feel sometimes. I have worked with my honey to help him find jobs and nothing has given yet. I am thankful, however that he has been able to work for one of his friends in construction. I find myself getting frustrated because I feel neglected, but I know he needs my support more than me nagging about feeling neglected. He is unemployed after all---that's enough pressure in and of itself. There are days when I get frustrated when he doesn't call me--I usually call him and there are days when I want to hear, "I love you" or to have him visit me more often at my place, but I know the reality is that he can't because of money issues. I also struggled with feeling hopeless and even confused because I wish things were a little different. I know that it's wrong for me to feel neglected at a time like this and I know that my priority is to make sure his morale is where it should be. I do my best to show him as much love and support as possible, however. I am trying to be hopeful and I know that if I believe in God, I should believe in good things.
My boyfriend is currently unemployed and has been so for about 5 months now. I don't believe that it was due to any fault of his own. He was told that his department was being downsized, but then the school that he worked at even hired another person after they fired him. I have been torn because I would like to be near him as he lives 8.5 hours away from me, but I know that it may be at least another year and a half until we are actually together in the same city. He moved away to work at that school and with that, he left me. I feel angry at the school because I felt like that was shady and I also felt like that (the school) was the reason that he left me as he went there to work when he lost his job here in Florida. I know that that may be irrational to someone else, but it is how I feel sometimes. I have worked with my honey to help him find jobs and nothing has given yet. I am thankful, however that he has been able to work for one of his friends in construction. I find myself getting frustrated because I feel neglected, but I know he needs my support more than me nagging about feeling neglected. He is unemployed after all---that's enough pressure in and of itself. There are days when I get frustrated when he doesn't call me--I usually call him and there are days when I want to hear, "I love you" or to have him visit me more often at my place, but I know the reality is that he can't because of money issues. I also struggled with feeling hopeless and even confused because I wish things were a little different. I know that it's wrong for me to feel neglected at a time like this and I know that my priority is to make sure his morale is where it should be. I do my best to show him as much love and support as possible, however. I am trying to be hopeful and I know that if I believe in God, I should believe in good things.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Chapter 56: Feeling Chosen
I had an epiphany today. I was sitting at work and all of the students had left. I was just sitting still for awhile and it came to me that the thing that is most hurtful or frustrating about being single or unmarried is--not being "chosen." I am by definition "single" as I am not married, but before I met my boyfriend I couldn't understand some of the thoughts that I was feeling. I went to many weddings and watched my friends be, in what looked like, love and I thought, like many women thought, "what's wrong with me?" It is clear to me that many single women think that their married or dating counterparts are living a life that is much better and loving than their own because someone picked them (the married and dating ones) out of the batch to love. It's almost like being picked to play in a game as a child--except that this time, you are the one standing behind as everyone else gets chosen. Once most of the teams have been arranged, there are only a few players left and they may not look like the people you want to play with. The interesting thing is, they may indeed be good people.
I found myself feeling like that today. While I am in a relationship, we have a long distance relationship. (I'm so thankful that he is in the country and not overseas.) I noticed that I didn't want to go home because I knew that I would be alone for the evening. I don't have friends to go to after work and there are no visitors for me for weeks at a time. Loneliness can be a bit much on the soul. I must say that before I met him, I didn't notice how lonely I had become. It can be said that single women may think that married women have an advantage because they can go home to someone. Sometimes I feel that way.
It's funny that we hear about how the good apples are saved for last, but yet it is clear that there is a void in being alone. Somehow many of us are taught that a woman is special when chosen to be married. Sometimes I feel the same way about friends, somehow when we see people with good friends, I wonder what kind of person one has to be to have great friend. While there is no direct formula, I understand some people are simply blessed. Other people, like myself, are sent certain types of people as lessons and guides to other doors that God wishes to open. There is nothing wrong with being alone, but I guess many of us are wired to believe that something is wrong with being alone. It's weird.
And so ends my quick epiphany. More to come later. :)
I found myself feeling like that today. While I am in a relationship, we have a long distance relationship. (I'm so thankful that he is in the country and not overseas.) I noticed that I didn't want to go home because I knew that I would be alone for the evening. I don't have friends to go to after work and there are no visitors for me for weeks at a time. Loneliness can be a bit much on the soul. I must say that before I met him, I didn't notice how lonely I had become. It can be said that single women may think that married women have an advantage because they can go home to someone. Sometimes I feel that way.
It's funny that we hear about how the good apples are saved for last, but yet it is clear that there is a void in being alone. Somehow many of us are taught that a woman is special when chosen to be married. Sometimes I feel the same way about friends, somehow when we see people with good friends, I wonder what kind of person one has to be to have great friend. While there is no direct formula, I understand some people are simply blessed. Other people, like myself, are sent certain types of people as lessons and guides to other doors that God wishes to open. There is nothing wrong with being alone, but I guess many of us are wired to believe that something is wrong with being alone. It's weird.
And so ends my quick epiphany. More to come later. :)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Chapter 55: Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson died today. :( I'm really sad and it is almost surreal. If you know me well, you know that I love Michael Jackson. I'm sad...I feel like this not real. The interesting part is that this is my father's birthday.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Chapter 54: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes...The Motherhood IV
My thought today is that each situation is different for each person. I was talking to one of my co-workers and she told me an interesting story of how her decided that he wanted to marry her. She said that she was living in Nigeria and her boyfriend at the time moved a month before to Detroit on a scholarship for his Ph.D. Apparently, he was afraid to ask her so he arranged for her dowry to be paid. He had been talking to his family and her family in Lagos and in neighboring cities from Detroit. She had no idea that he was doing all of this until she was teased by one of her cousins. The cousin told her that he had eaten her yams or in other words, he had eaten some of the food that was sent to the family as part of her dowry or bride prize. She didn't get a chance to ask her future husband until she had found an engagement ring in the mail. With that he called her and asked when was the wedding date because he had been talking to his family and her family and they were tired of waiting and trying to make plans. She said that to this day, he has never formally said, "will you marry me?" :) She said that she asked him a few years ago about the matter. Mind you, they have three adult children together--the oldest is 27. He said that he was afraid that she would say no. I share this to say that sometimes when we are waiting for the big "ah-ha" moment, our big moments can sometimes come in small packages. I'm not looking for a huge romantic proposal. I know my man and that doesn't make him or the scenario smaller than the next person and their scenario. What may be small to someone else, may indeed be big to me and that's okay--in fact, it's a good thing.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Chapter 53: Letter to Those Who Were Formerly Known As Important...
Dear Squiggy (The Formerly Important One),
I am writing this as it has been on my mind for a few days now. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you and that I am a better person because of you, but many days I feel like you have robbed me. I realize that you aren't just one person, you are many, but I feel like you are a source of stress coming all from one place. I couldn't shake the frustration and hurt and disappointment. There are nights that I laid awake not because I intentionally did so, but because my mind runs and I remember things so it didn't help to remember all of the grief you caused me. I've had bad dreams about being robbed or being abandoned. I often feel like things were my fault because you treated me so badly, but I know that maybe you were having issues in your life too. For years, I have felt like I was less. For years, I wondered why someone would treat me--the kind-spirited person--the person who lives by the golden rule--so badly. I wondered so often because I simply didn't understand. I thought that I would understand if I did something to you, but because I didn't, I was utterly confused. You have robbed me of my peace so many times. I often thought that I hated you, but I realize that I should be thanking you. You have made me a better person. I am stronger and smarter because of you. I have a greater story to tell and a deeper story to write. The days that you left me or forgot about me simply because someone else needed you and the days that you got mad at me because I didn't do what you wanted me to simply are stepping stones for me. It could very well be that I will be even greater in my future...and maybe even greater than you. I don't say that arrogantly, I'm just confident that God is keeping score. I don't have to feel vengeful because I know he's got it under control.
I remember when I asked you to come to my graduation because I was proud of myself, but you told me that you couldn't come because you didn't feel like driving and your "man" was in town and he needed you. Or when you came to the ceremony and stood there long enough for me to see you and then you left and ignored my calls for you to stay and eat awhile. It's okay. I'm so glad that God isn't like you. I remember when you told me that I wanted to be like you and that explains my behavior or even that your boyfriend and I were conspiring against you. I realize that you didn't know. The hurt that I felt when you got married annoyed me for years because again, it clearly didn't make sense. I was the person that visited you daily because you were my friend. I supported you when you did things you were proud of and somewhere along the line you got angry with me because I refused to lie for you in a legal accusation. I was hoping that you would understand--but I know that you didn't and that's okay. I know that if you were thinking properly, you would've understood. I forgive you when you said that you never told me that you loved me or when you ignored me or when you said that you couldn't be around because she would be angry with you if you were with me. And let's not forget when you told me that "I should get over myself" when I told you that I was offended that you treated me unfairly. I didn't deserve that and I didn't know that was the kind of relationship we had. I'm no longer angry about the time when my car broke down and you ignored the fact that my car was down; you were more concerned about yourself right? You didn't really like me and I'm really glad that you didn't. My life would be very, very miserable. I'm glad that you broke up with me. Although I didn't understand it then, I'm thankful for not only the answered prayers, but the unanswered ones too. You have prepared me for an even better man. One who really loves me and accepts me for who I am, not someone who gets angry with me when I'm not being the person you want me to be.
I remember when I asked you to come to my party and you didn't come even though you said you would. I cleaned and made food for you because I just knew that you would be there for me just like I was for you. You were there for everyone else and even planned celebrations for other people. Why not me? Was that too much for you to do? It's okay though. I have learned that most people shouldn't be that much of a priority especially when I am only an option to them. You can no longer make me feel small because I know that I am bigger than this and you. Because my heart is good I know that God sees it.
Thank you for the not appreciating my potential and credentials because I know that someone else will. Thank you for laughing at me or saying that I wasn't strong enough or ready because I know that one day you will eat your words and someday strive to be just like me when you grow up. You see, I know that my destiny doesn't lie with you. It lies with my creator. Thankfully, He sees the greatness in me that you were too blind to see. You didn't have to talk about me or doubt that I had the things that I have. I'm glad that you talked about me behind my back or "forgot" to invite me or when you were too busy or self-absorbed to help me. Thank you for ignoring me when I came to visit you in another city--a trip we planned together or when I asked you let me spend the night when I no where to go. I'm sorry that I put my feet on your couch, but I was tired after being out after you told us we couldn't stay while your boyfriend was visiting. You didn't have to be so rude, but I understand how unplanned guess can throw a wrench in your plans. I'm glad that I didn't see you in person again. Thank you for leaving me alone or ignoring me as you ran on foot through the hood. I can't run as fast and as consistently as you. I was afraid because you left me alone to run in the hood as it was getting dark. You didn't have to do that; you could've waited for me. I would have done that to you. It's okay though.
I've learned that I can help myself and that I am not afraid of the things that used to paralyze me. Things like being alone--because I am alone, in the human sense, all of the time. I have no choice, but to trust in and talk to God. He really is my best friend now. I don't need fair-weather friends who lie or get angry when I don't do what they want me to do. Who needs bullies, right? It hurt me to own this, but I know that you never had my back. I know that if you were my real friend, you would have treated me better. I'm no fool. But, in essence and in retrospect, it's okay--again God is keeping score. He's watching it all and you know what--I'm going to be okay.
No longer will you hurt me or make me feel small. I'm a better woman now. I know that without you in my life I am truly better. I will say that I missed you at first, but I don't anymore. As the song says, "you thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm smarter. You thought that I'd be sad without you, (but) I laugh harder. You thought that I would fail without you, but I'm on top." Squiggy, I have a long life to live and I can't walk around under a cloud because of the grief that you caused me. I felt that I couldn't shake you for a long time and that no on would befriend me because there seemingly something wrong with me. Today, I put that to rest. For a long time I thought that I forgave you and for the most part I did, but I had a hard time with the guilt and hurt because I remembered it--not because I was angry, but because I remembered. Today, I am over it. Again, maybe you had your own set of problems that have nothing to do with me. I can't make myself be rude to you, but I can let you know that you will no longer unnerve me or make me feel sad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself as I have forgiven you and me. Maybe you will treat people fairly in the future. I know I will. You have taught me a lot.
Sincerely,
B
I am writing this as it has been on my mind for a few days now. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you and that I am a better person because of you, but many days I feel like you have robbed me. I realize that you aren't just one person, you are many, but I feel like you are a source of stress coming all from one place. I couldn't shake the frustration and hurt and disappointment. There are nights that I laid awake not because I intentionally did so, but because my mind runs and I remember things so it didn't help to remember all of the grief you caused me. I've had bad dreams about being robbed or being abandoned. I often feel like things were my fault because you treated me so badly, but I know that maybe you were having issues in your life too. For years, I have felt like I was less. For years, I wondered why someone would treat me--the kind-spirited person--the person who lives by the golden rule--so badly. I wondered so often because I simply didn't understand. I thought that I would understand if I did something to you, but because I didn't, I was utterly confused. You have robbed me of my peace so many times. I often thought that I hated you, but I realize that I should be thanking you. You have made me a better person. I am stronger and smarter because of you. I have a greater story to tell and a deeper story to write. The days that you left me or forgot about me simply because someone else needed you and the days that you got mad at me because I didn't do what you wanted me to simply are stepping stones for me. It could very well be that I will be even greater in my future...and maybe even greater than you. I don't say that arrogantly, I'm just confident that God is keeping score. I don't have to feel vengeful because I know he's got it under control.
I remember when I asked you to come to my graduation because I was proud of myself, but you told me that you couldn't come because you didn't feel like driving and your "man" was in town and he needed you. Or when you came to the ceremony and stood there long enough for me to see you and then you left and ignored my calls for you to stay and eat awhile. It's okay. I'm so glad that God isn't like you. I remember when you told me that I wanted to be like you and that explains my behavior or even that your boyfriend and I were conspiring against you. I realize that you didn't know. The hurt that I felt when you got married annoyed me for years because again, it clearly didn't make sense. I was the person that visited you daily because you were my friend. I supported you when you did things you were proud of and somewhere along the line you got angry with me because I refused to lie for you in a legal accusation. I was hoping that you would understand--but I know that you didn't and that's okay. I know that if you were thinking properly, you would've understood. I forgive you when you said that you never told me that you loved me or when you ignored me or when you said that you couldn't be around because she would be angry with you if you were with me. And let's not forget when you told me that "I should get over myself" when I told you that I was offended that you treated me unfairly. I didn't deserve that and I didn't know that was the kind of relationship we had. I'm no longer angry about the time when my car broke down and you ignored the fact that my car was down; you were more concerned about yourself right? You didn't really like me and I'm really glad that you didn't. My life would be very, very miserable. I'm glad that you broke up with me. Although I didn't understand it then, I'm thankful for not only the answered prayers, but the unanswered ones too. You have prepared me for an even better man. One who really loves me and accepts me for who I am, not someone who gets angry with me when I'm not being the person you want me to be.
I remember when I asked you to come to my party and you didn't come even though you said you would. I cleaned and made food for you because I just knew that you would be there for me just like I was for you. You were there for everyone else and even planned celebrations for other people. Why not me? Was that too much for you to do? It's okay though. I have learned that most people shouldn't be that much of a priority especially when I am only an option to them. You can no longer make me feel small because I know that I am bigger than this and you. Because my heart is good I know that God sees it.
Thank you for the not appreciating my potential and credentials because I know that someone else will. Thank you for laughing at me or saying that I wasn't strong enough or ready because I know that one day you will eat your words and someday strive to be just like me when you grow up. You see, I know that my destiny doesn't lie with you. It lies with my creator. Thankfully, He sees the greatness in me that you were too blind to see. You didn't have to talk about me or doubt that I had the things that I have. I'm glad that you talked about me behind my back or "forgot" to invite me or when you were too busy or self-absorbed to help me. Thank you for ignoring me when I came to visit you in another city--a trip we planned together or when I asked you let me spend the night when I no where to go. I'm sorry that I put my feet on your couch, but I was tired after being out after you told us we couldn't stay while your boyfriend was visiting. You didn't have to be so rude, but I understand how unplanned guess can throw a wrench in your plans. I'm glad that I didn't see you in person again. Thank you for leaving me alone or ignoring me as you ran on foot through the hood. I can't run as fast and as consistently as you. I was afraid because you left me alone to run in the hood as it was getting dark. You didn't have to do that; you could've waited for me. I would have done that to you. It's okay though.
I've learned that I can help myself and that I am not afraid of the things that used to paralyze me. Things like being alone--because I am alone, in the human sense, all of the time. I have no choice, but to trust in and talk to God. He really is my best friend now. I don't need fair-weather friends who lie or get angry when I don't do what they want me to do. Who needs bullies, right? It hurt me to own this, but I know that you never had my back. I know that if you were my real friend, you would have treated me better. I'm no fool. But, in essence and in retrospect, it's okay--again God is keeping score. He's watching it all and you know what--I'm going to be okay.
No longer will you hurt me or make me feel small. I'm a better woman now. I know that without you in my life I am truly better. I will say that I missed you at first, but I don't anymore. As the song says, "you thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm smarter. You thought that I'd be sad without you, (but) I laugh harder. You thought that I would fail without you, but I'm on top." Squiggy, I have a long life to live and I can't walk around under a cloud because of the grief that you caused me. I felt that I couldn't shake you for a long time and that no on would befriend me because there seemingly something wrong with me. Today, I put that to rest. For a long time I thought that I forgave you and for the most part I did, but I had a hard time with the guilt and hurt because I remembered it--not because I was angry, but because I remembered. Today, I am over it. Again, maybe you had your own set of problems that have nothing to do with me. I can't make myself be rude to you, but I can let you know that you will no longer unnerve me or make me feel sad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself as I have forgiven you and me. Maybe you will treat people fairly in the future. I know I will. You have taught me a lot.
Sincerely,
B
Chapter 52: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then the Motherhlood...Part III
Today, my friend called me to tell me that she was pregnant. I have to admit that I was a little shocked and possibly a little jealous (?). Yes, I am scared a little, but I am also feeling a little left out. I always have. I know that being last serves a purpose--I just don't know what. I guess this constant rotation of my concerns is probably fruitless and maybe a little too frustrating. Maybe it is causing me more stress than necessary. I get asked questions about when I'm going to have babies, etc, etc, and truly this really makes me a little frustrated and maybe even sad. IDK It could be that the love and the baby carriage will come when I decide to move...move from the things that frustrate me and hurt me and confuse me and the things and people that continue to make me feel left out or less than my best. Maybe that's when it will happen. Maybe the both of us will overcome our fear of this big, important step. I do know I will be good and it and I also know that God works in his own time and season. I believe that this is my season to do me and do it even bigger. :)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Chapter 51: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage..Then The Motherhood Part II
Okay. So I went home last weekend and one of the things that I noticed was a bit of frustration on my part. It was mother's day. I didn't let on to anyone about what I was thinking, but every year at church I am reminded that I haven't taken the step to motherhood or "wifedom." I remember when I was in school and single, people always had an interesting reason as to why they thought I was single. Folks said things like: "you don't dress like you want a man---you need to give them enough to look at." "you don't have to have a man that's all up in the church. Why don't you just stop with that." "You're so mean." "Ain't nobody gonna want you because you are too independent."
At this stage, I think about things very differently. I have come to believe that the reason I was single for so long was because God had to make me a better woman and he had to make sure that all of the steps were in order for my honey to meet me. Everyone thought or possibly still thinks that I am too picky--but there are a lot of things or types of men that I have tried to be with and it simply didn't work. Someone even had the audacity to think that I lost my mind (she actually said this) and thought that I feel in love with the first man that I met. That really stung, but I guess everyone has to have a hypothesis about why I am not like everyone else.
I look at it now and it's almost comical. I know I did what's right. I am older and more mature and I can make better decisions about weddings and babies. I can actually say that I've had a chance to live my own life. I don't want to get to a point in my life where I don't know who I am and I haven't had time to live for myself. I just think that it's funny when I've done the right thing all of my life and now people are still looking at me and thinking "what's wrong with you?"
Part me now, is kinda afraid to get married and have children. For several reasons, as mentioned previously. Scared to have children because as a teacher, I see what it's like to see children at the other end of the spectrum--when they're older. I know that it's hard work. Children aren't like Topsy from Uncle Tom's Cabin--you don't just add water and they grow. They need to be raised! I also knew that I wanted a husband and not a baby daddy. Am I ready?
Another thing that came to my attention was in talking to other people about some of my concerns about marriage, I noticed that some married women never thought of things the way that I have. I don't think that I'm overreacting--I just think I'm trying to go into this one day well informed and ready to handle the various challenges. I figure if I am an emotional wreck--I wouldn't be ready for anything of this sort. I have watched too much craziness in regards to weddings and marriages in my short life. Is that too much? IDK these are just my thoughts...
At this stage, I think about things very differently. I have come to believe that the reason I was single for so long was because God had to make me a better woman and he had to make sure that all of the steps were in order for my honey to meet me. Everyone thought or possibly still thinks that I am too picky--but there are a lot of things or types of men that I have tried to be with and it simply didn't work. Someone even had the audacity to think that I lost my mind (she actually said this) and thought that I feel in love with the first man that I met. That really stung, but I guess everyone has to have a hypothesis about why I am not like everyone else.
I look at it now and it's almost comical. I know I did what's right. I am older and more mature and I can make better decisions about weddings and babies. I can actually say that I've had a chance to live my own life. I don't want to get to a point in my life where I don't know who I am and I haven't had time to live for myself. I just think that it's funny when I've done the right thing all of my life and now people are still looking at me and thinking "what's wrong with you?"
Part me now, is kinda afraid to get married and have children. For several reasons, as mentioned previously. Scared to have children because as a teacher, I see what it's like to see children at the other end of the spectrum--when they're older. I know that it's hard work. Children aren't like Topsy from Uncle Tom's Cabin--you don't just add water and they grow. They need to be raised! I also knew that I wanted a husband and not a baby daddy. Am I ready?
Another thing that came to my attention was in talking to other people about some of my concerns about marriage, I noticed that some married women never thought of things the way that I have. I don't think that I'm overreacting--I just think I'm trying to go into this one day well informed and ready to handle the various challenges. I figure if I am an emotional wreck--I wouldn't be ready for anything of this sort. I have watched too much craziness in regards to weddings and marriages in my short life. Is that too much? IDK these are just my thoughts...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Chapter 50: First Comes Love, The Comes Marriage, Then...The Motherhood
My baby brother is having a baby. My baby brother and his lady are having a baby. I am in no way jealous or angry, but it sounds really interesting to say that. I am 27 and he is 23. I am very happy for him and his family, but I never thought that it would work out this way. I guess this further solidifies the notion that we, in my family, aren't quite like everyone else--in a good way. I say all of this to say that I am at the age to think about marriage and family. I have began to think that I should have children sometime in the near future and get married in the near future, but as a mature woman, I have thought about it in a very holistic, realistic fashion.
I was single for eight years. I'd gone on dates, but I didn't have "the boyfriend." I was the girl that went out alone while my friends had dates or boyfriends. I didn't know what it felt like to have a boy friend to visit on holidays and weekends or even to have friends to visit in the same fashion. I'd learned a lot from the men that I dated and as a counselor, I understood a lot more than I was given credit for. I tried to guard my heart as best as I could. I am particularly proud that I am one of the only women in my family without children and on my father's side of the family, I am my aunts' and uncles' only educated niece. There is a part of me that wants to be a mother and wife, however, I realize that I have reservations about motherhood and marriage--all of which I believe are healthy.
I love my boyfriend. It is the first time in my life that I have had a healthy relationship outside of my immediate family. Contrary to others' beliefs, it is not a figment of my imagination or a moment of infatuation. Marriage is something that I believe is good and fruitful. My parents have been together for over 30 years. My boyfriend's parents are divorced, however. Because of that and the high rate of divorce, I have began to think about what makes a "good," successful marriage and what happens when marriages don't work. I understand now that I have to be honest with myself in my thinking. One of the many things that I have thought about is, am I ready to share all aspects of my life with another person. Am I ready to be completely transparent with another person? One of my other concerns is, am I coming into this as an adult or am I wanting to get married because it's what I should do at this age..or because there's an unsaid pressure in the southern way of thinking. I have no doubt that I would be a good wife. I think it is simply some type of apprehension on my part--especially considering the fact that my boyfriend lives in another state. I think I am afraid to leave everything and everyone that I know. My home, my two jobs, and my family. I know that change would definitely be a good thing for me, but it is a little scary.
Another thing that I thought about was a wedding. A wedding...a WEDDING. I guess you never really think about how much young women think about weddings. Wedding planning is a billion dollar business. If one can get away with spending $10,000 on a wedding, it's a good thing. I think for me, it's a reality check. Simply put, I want a good marriage, the wedding is a secondary event. I think that I am giving up on the dream of the princess wedding--for several reasons. Reason one, is that my boyfriend doesn't like big ceremonies. Now, I do understand that weddings are typically the woman's day, but I argue that it's nearly disrespectful to him because it's his wedding too. Reason two, weddings are amazingly expensive. Lastly, I question why we, as women want such a big affair--is it because we want to be seen? Or is it simply an additional cultural right of passage? I do want a wedding--but I am beginning to rethink the size and manner of such an event. I don't believe that I want anything traditional and if it was left solely up to me, it would be small. I think that my family would wish for something bigger. I do want a really nice bridal shower and honeymoon, however.
The motherhood is somewhere that I venture to several times in my mind. I think that I will be a good mother, but I have reservations about this as well. Honestly, I see a lot as a classroom teacher. I don't want some of the situations that happen to many of my students to happen to my children. I know that my children will be like me and that they will have the fear of God and a great reverence for me and my husband, but I argue that I'm sure that many of those parents thought that they were doing right by their children and things happened. I think about child illness, school reports, family expenses, college tuition. Children are essentially and especially expensive. I was taught very early that this life is not solely about me and that I should care for others. Overtime, it grew to the notion that I was expected to care for others at the expense of my own needs. I think that I am apprehensive about becoming a mother because I know that the moment that I become a mother everything shifts to the child. I've never really been an enormously selfish person because I've always done more for others than I have for myself. I want to be able to have some time to spoil myself and to enjoy my own life. I want to be able to do the things that I've read about in books or reasonably seen in movies. Take a vacation with my boyfriend and spend our money on ourselves. Simply be free. Not forever...but just for a little while. I also don't want my children to have to live with the feelings of inferiority or be picked on. I've felt these feelings for many years. My children will probably be different like me and my brother. I've seen so many women who are simply bad mothers--not just mothers who are having a hard time. I know that motherhood is a very rewarding and difficult task, but I don't believe that I will fit into the club of women who should have never had children in the first place. I want to be a caring, hard-working, and sincere mother like my mom. I believe I am approaching the point in my life when I can be that. I think that these feelings are reasonable and well-merited. I am not (again) opposed to marriage or motherhood, I just have lots of thoughts about this next step in life. I think that this is rightfully so.
I was single for eight years. I'd gone on dates, but I didn't have "the boyfriend." I was the girl that went out alone while my friends had dates or boyfriends. I didn't know what it felt like to have a boy friend to visit on holidays and weekends or even to have friends to visit in the same fashion. I'd learned a lot from the men that I dated and as a counselor, I understood a lot more than I was given credit for. I tried to guard my heart as best as I could. I am particularly proud that I am one of the only women in my family without children and on my father's side of the family, I am my aunts' and uncles' only educated niece. There is a part of me that wants to be a mother and wife, however, I realize that I have reservations about motherhood and marriage--all of which I believe are healthy.
I love my boyfriend. It is the first time in my life that I have had a healthy relationship outside of my immediate family. Contrary to others' beliefs, it is not a figment of my imagination or a moment of infatuation. Marriage is something that I believe is good and fruitful. My parents have been together for over 30 years. My boyfriend's parents are divorced, however. Because of that and the high rate of divorce, I have began to think about what makes a "good," successful marriage and what happens when marriages don't work. I understand now that I have to be honest with myself in my thinking. One of the many things that I have thought about is, am I ready to share all aspects of my life with another person. Am I ready to be completely transparent with another person? One of my other concerns is, am I coming into this as an adult or am I wanting to get married because it's what I should do at this age..or because there's an unsaid pressure in the southern way of thinking. I have no doubt that I would be a good wife. I think it is simply some type of apprehension on my part--especially considering the fact that my boyfriend lives in another state. I think I am afraid to leave everything and everyone that I know. My home, my two jobs, and my family. I know that change would definitely be a good thing for me, but it is a little scary.
Another thing that I thought about was a wedding. A wedding...a WEDDING. I guess you never really think about how much young women think about weddings. Wedding planning is a billion dollar business. If one can get away with spending $10,000 on a wedding, it's a good thing. I think for me, it's a reality check. Simply put, I want a good marriage, the wedding is a secondary event. I think that I am giving up on the dream of the princess wedding--for several reasons. Reason one, is that my boyfriend doesn't like big ceremonies. Now, I do understand that weddings are typically the woman's day, but I argue that it's nearly disrespectful to him because it's his wedding too. Reason two, weddings are amazingly expensive. Lastly, I question why we, as women want such a big affair--is it because we want to be seen? Or is it simply an additional cultural right of passage? I do want a wedding--but I am beginning to rethink the size and manner of such an event. I don't believe that I want anything traditional and if it was left solely up to me, it would be small. I think that my family would wish for something bigger. I do want a really nice bridal shower and honeymoon, however.
The motherhood is somewhere that I venture to several times in my mind. I think that I will be a good mother, but I have reservations about this as well. Honestly, I see a lot as a classroom teacher. I don't want some of the situations that happen to many of my students to happen to my children. I know that my children will be like me and that they will have the fear of God and a great reverence for me and my husband, but I argue that I'm sure that many of those parents thought that they were doing right by their children and things happened. I think about child illness, school reports, family expenses, college tuition. Children are essentially and especially expensive. I was taught very early that this life is not solely about me and that I should care for others. Overtime, it grew to the notion that I was expected to care for others at the expense of my own needs. I think that I am apprehensive about becoming a mother because I know that the moment that I become a mother everything shifts to the child. I've never really been an enormously selfish person because I've always done more for others than I have for myself. I want to be able to have some time to spoil myself and to enjoy my own life. I want to be able to do the things that I've read about in books or reasonably seen in movies. Take a vacation with my boyfriend and spend our money on ourselves. Simply be free. Not forever...but just for a little while. I also don't want my children to have to live with the feelings of inferiority or be picked on. I've felt these feelings for many years. My children will probably be different like me and my brother. I've seen so many women who are simply bad mothers--not just mothers who are having a hard time. I know that motherhood is a very rewarding and difficult task, but I don't believe that I will fit into the club of women who should have never had children in the first place. I want to be a caring, hard-working, and sincere mother like my mom. I believe I am approaching the point in my life when I can be that. I think that these feelings are reasonable and well-merited. I am not (again) opposed to marriage or motherhood, I just have lots of thoughts about this next step in life. I think that this is rightfully so.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Chapter 48: I Found My Smile Again: Why I Love My Honey
I heard Mary J. Blige (MJB) say on The BET Honors show the other day that she had to hit "rock bottom" before things made sense in and about this thing we call life. It was then that she really began to pray and that is when her husband walked into her life. I can completely understand her. As I look at pictures of myself over the years that I have lived in this area and I evaluate my life, I can relate. I'm not sure that I hit rock bottom, but I will say I have been in some low places, emotionally for several years. MJB also mentioned that she didn't have anyone around her to help her in that regard to make her life better. I have been there too. Much can be said about how everyone is out for themselves and in most of my cases, many people have taken away from me instead of giving to me. I know that God not only sustained, and continues to sustain , my mind through all of my struggles, he also perserved my relationship with the woman who introduced me to my boyfriend. Over the years she watched me go through quite a bit including many abusive relationships that I have had. She was able to see things about me that I didn't coherently and possibly, intentionally see. I know that simply for that reason alone, I believe that my relationship with my boyfriend was meant to be.
It is no mistake that I have wanted to visit and possibly live in the Charlotte, NC area for the last few years. I lost that desire, however when I thought about how lonely it would be and the costs and risks of leaving everything and everybody that I knew...so I bought a home here in Florida. It is also no mistake that I have dreamed about going to the Virgin Islands for years. I'm not sure why I have dreamed of these things, but they were placed in my heart for such a reason as this...the man I love. My love lives in Charlotte and he's a native the U.S. Virgin Islands.
I love him because in many ways he has given me a reason to change the people, places, and things that I have allowed myself to be around. I've changed those things not because he told me to or anything like that, but because I don't have a desire for those things anymore. He doesn't seek to tell me what to do. He has helped me to think about things much differently. I look at culture a little differently as well . People of African descent are uniquely different and I have been exposed to many cultures, but I never really and truly became open-minded until now. I have also thought about doing bigger and better things in a way that I never have. I have always had my family to support me, but I now have someone else in my corner. He continues to be proud of me and he encourages me to do better than what I done in the past. He helps me to be a better woman--a happier woman.
I love him because he loves me back. He accepts me as I am and he loves the things that I thought were almost "unloveable." He is truly my best friend. He is someone with whom I can be honest and vulnerable. He is the reason that I really and truly smile again. I don't have to try and think about whether he is real or sincere because it is an assurance that I have about it. It is an inward happiness that I have. I'm not worried about whether he will be outwardly and purposely be abusive or rude or unfair because I am confident in my love for him. While I am not naive about the evil that many men can do, I do know this for sure, I will not and cannot be fooled with anyone who is cantankerous or even dangerous. I don't feel any of that about him. Even if something should happen today--God forbid--I know that my position in this relationship is purposeful. I am here to learn as well as love and give love. I do believe that this moment in my life is written in the stars. This is why I love him. He is really my "knight in shining honor." I'm glad he's mine! :)
...and the church said..AMEN! :)
It is no mistake that I have wanted to visit and possibly live in the Charlotte, NC area for the last few years. I lost that desire, however when I thought about how lonely it would be and the costs and risks of leaving everything and everybody that I knew...so I bought a home here in Florida. It is also no mistake that I have dreamed about going to the Virgin Islands for years. I'm not sure why I have dreamed of these things, but they were placed in my heart for such a reason as this...the man I love. My love lives in Charlotte and he's a native the U.S. Virgin Islands.
I love him because in many ways he has given me a reason to change the people, places, and things that I have allowed myself to be around. I've changed those things not because he told me to or anything like that, but because I don't have a desire for those things anymore. He doesn't seek to tell me what to do. He has helped me to think about things much differently. I look at culture a little differently as well . People of African descent are uniquely different and I have been exposed to many cultures, but I never really and truly became open-minded until now. I have also thought about doing bigger and better things in a way that I never have. I have always had my family to support me, but I now have someone else in my corner. He continues to be proud of me and he encourages me to do better than what I done in the past. He helps me to be a better woman--a happier woman.
I love him because he loves me back. He accepts me as I am and he loves the things that I thought were almost "unloveable." He is truly my best friend. He is someone with whom I can be honest and vulnerable. He is the reason that I really and truly smile again. I don't have to try and think about whether he is real or sincere because it is an assurance that I have about it. It is an inward happiness that I have. I'm not worried about whether he will be outwardly and purposely be abusive or rude or unfair because I am confident in my love for him. While I am not naive about the evil that many men can do, I do know this for sure, I will not and cannot be fooled with anyone who is cantankerous or even dangerous. I don't feel any of that about him. Even if something should happen today--God forbid--I know that my position in this relationship is purposeful. I am here to learn as well as love and give love. I do believe that this moment in my life is written in the stars. This is why I love him. He is really my "knight in shining honor." I'm glad he's mine! :)
...and the church said..AMEN! :)
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Chapter 47: Before I turn 30..Remixed and Rethought
Chapter 3 of this blog was about some things that I wanted to do by the time I am 30. I believe that I was about 25 when I wrote it so at 27 some things have already been completed and I have conjured up some new ones to replace them. I am proud that I have done the following:
1. Finished my Master's Program
2. Maintain a size 12 or simply a healthy weight for my height---Maybe not as healthy as I could be, but I am still the same size.
3. Dance in the rain (DONE! Figuratively) Maybe not literally, but I did it!
4. Scrapbooking...I got a kit as a gift, but I haven't used it yet.
These are some of the things that I no longer want to do or i have reconsidered the importance of the timing for these things:
1. Although it is relatively cheaper to buy a house now--I don't want to buy one any time soon--especially not by myself.
2. Learn to speak another language. It's a gift and possibly fun, but I no longer care. (At least not as of today. :) )
3. Become a member of an investment club. Maybe one day on the other side of 40--but not any time soon.
4. Get a dog. I really do want one because I love dogs so much, but I'll wait until the time is right.
5. See the Pacific Ocean. Doesn't really matter when I see it. I just want to see it before I die.
6. Learn latin dances and ballroom dances. Doesn't matter when I learn really. It just looks like fun.
7. See Prince in concert and go on Tom Joyner's Fantastic Voyage . Doesn't matter when I go...
8. Learn how to build webpages and websites.
9. Have a baby.
10.Begin work on my own charitable foundation. Doesn't matter when...
Here is my list with my additions:
1. Go to the Caribbean to a Carnival Festival (Almost DONE! Thankful to see one in the Bahamas, but want to see one in another West Indian location. )
2. Learn how to play spades...for real. :)
3. Sing Karoke... I guess almost pull a "Benny and the Jets" from the movie "27 Dresses," minus the alcohol.
4. Maybe get a specialist degree...field unknown...possibly educational leadership with a focus in higher education...the jury is still out about the doctoral degree...
5. Go Scuba Diving or swimming with dolphins
6. Ride a horse...
7. Ride a motorcycle...I'm embarrassed because my honey rides bikes. I need to do better!
8. Submit a letter to the editor of the local editor
9. Begin writing a book
10. Start my own business
11. Submit an essay for publication in a journal or a manuscript for a column or blog site.
12. Go to Seattle
13. Go to Hawaii
14. Take a Belly Dancing class
15. Build a Habitat for Humanity House.
16. Go to the Cirque du Soliel
17. Go fishing
18. Fly first class somewhere.
It may not be 30 things as of now, but I am learning to take things in stride...I'm sure there will be more things to come. I'll keep you posted as I go along. :)
1. Finished my Master's Program
2. Maintain a size 12 or simply a healthy weight for my height---Maybe not as healthy as I could be, but I am still the same size.
3. Dance in the rain (DONE! Figuratively) Maybe not literally, but I did it!
4. Scrapbooking...I got a kit as a gift, but I haven't used it yet.
These are some of the things that I no longer want to do or i have reconsidered the importance of the timing for these things:
1. Although it is relatively cheaper to buy a house now--I don't want to buy one any time soon--especially not by myself.
2. Learn to speak another language. It's a gift and possibly fun, but I no longer care. (At least not as of today. :) )
3. Become a member of an investment club. Maybe one day on the other side of 40--but not any time soon.
4. Get a dog. I really do want one because I love dogs so much, but I'll wait until the time is right.
5. See the Pacific Ocean. Doesn't really matter when I see it. I just want to see it before I die.
6. Learn latin dances and ballroom dances. Doesn't matter when I learn really. It just looks like fun.
7. See Prince in concert and go on Tom Joyner's Fantastic Voyage . Doesn't matter when I go...
8. Learn how to build webpages and websites.
9. Have a baby.
10.Begin work on my own charitable foundation. Doesn't matter when...
Here is my list with my additions:
1. Go to the Caribbean to a Carnival Festival (Almost DONE! Thankful to see one in the Bahamas, but want to see one in another West Indian location. )
2. Learn how to play spades...for real. :)
3. Sing Karoke... I guess almost pull a "Benny and the Jets" from the movie "27 Dresses," minus the alcohol.
4. Maybe get a specialist degree...field unknown...possibly educational leadership with a focus in higher education...the jury is still out about the doctoral degree...
5. Go Scuba Diving or swimming with dolphins
6. Ride a horse...
7. Ride a motorcycle...I'm embarrassed because my honey rides bikes. I need to do better!
8. Submit a letter to the editor of the local editor
9. Begin writing a book
10. Start my own business
11. Submit an essay for publication in a journal or a manuscript for a column or blog site.
12. Go to Seattle
13. Go to Hawaii
14. Take a Belly Dancing class
15. Build a Habitat for Humanity House.
16. Go to the Cirque du Soliel
17. Go fishing
18. Fly first class somewhere.
It may not be 30 things as of now, but I am learning to take things in stride...I'm sure there will be more things to come. I'll keep you posted as I go along. :)
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Chapter 46: The Very Pretty. Pretty Ugly Duckling: Part III
I guess some of this is my list of that which is to be resolved---i.e., my 2009 new years resolutions. We often say out with the old and with the new, but at this point in this chapter, I won't write a numbered list. My main cause for writing is that once again it has occurred to me that I am a swan and not quite a duck. One of my co-workers told me that I am very, very, very special. She didn't quite say how or why, but she mentioned that I am anointed. I have always known that the hand of God is on my life because there have been too many instances that I could've done some many wrong things and my spirit wouldn't let me. I have honestly had a sincerity in my heart to do the right thing and if I didn't I would almost immediately feel really bad if I didn't. I can explain why I am as I am other than, it's the God in me! I truly don't know how else to describe it. For that reason, I always stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd. People say that I look innocent and that it is possibly an act or that I can't really act this same way all of the time, but what you see is what you get from me. I guess that is why I have always felt like something was wrong with me my entire life. But there is truth in the Word when it says that those who are in Christ are "peculiar" people. I went out with a friend of mine when I was home and the truth was a lot more apparent to me. I saw people that I went to school with and we are still friendly and cool, but they know and I know that I am not like them--that's probably why my friends wouldn't let me do certain things while we were in school because I was supposed to be the good one or the mother of the group. But one would think that this would make me feel exceptionally special, but it was and still is quite the opposite.
Today, I find myself confused sometimes, as I know who I am and I am proud of myself, but I wish that some things would make more sense. I am at a crossroads in terms of what I want to do from this moment forward. I have been wrestling with the idea of moving for quite a while now--particularly since this past summer. I have been thinking about moving to NC for about 3 or 4 years now. Although I bought a house in Florida, I knew that I wouldn't live in it alone forever and I also knew that I didn't want to live in Florida for the rest of my life. I saw my home as an investment and as a means to build a foundation for wealth. When I met my honey, I knew that it was not an accident that he wanted to move to NC too. I had been dreaming of and speaking about how I wanted to go to the Virgin Islands for years now and it just so happens that he is from the Virgin Islands. So with that, I know that God has aligned that up just for me. We have gone through quite a bit with my family in nearly a year's time and I remember feeling sooo hurt about how they went about everything. They acted as though I had lost my mind and that I was being brainwashed or controlled by this new man as if I didn't know any better. It hurt so badly, not because I didn't understand where they were coming from as parents, but because they didn't trust my judgement and treated me as though they didn't know me at all. I must have cried nearly everyday. Today, however, I am at a different place. I don't cry everyday, but I think about it almost constantly. What will I do for a job? Who will live in my house? How do I want to market my home for renting? When are we getting engaged? I know that the engagement is coming, but in my heart of hearts, I don't want to rush anything so that we can have all of the ins and outs examined and things are well thought through. For that reason, I am making plans, but nothing is solidified and my ideas change almost daily with the stock market and the news. I see no need to rush, but it would make my heart feel so much better if Iknew exactly what to do. I say all of that to say this, I know that I need to go--my time here in this area is minimal. I have bigger and better things to do, not to say that I am better, but I am saying that my heart longs for something else and this is not it.
I notice that I am much happy now that I don't have certain things on my "to do" list or certain people around me. My honey said it best when he told me that he noticed that I smile "for real" now because he can notice genuine happiness in my smile. I am at a place where I can't handle being an afterthought or the undercover jealousy or text messages as complete conversations in leu of phone conversation, the attempts to view my home because people can't believe I actualy bought a house before them, or the "Brandi I need you to do.." but when I ask for someone to do for me, it's "O, well, I can't because.." I'm at the end of my rope with that. I realize that I am not like most people, therefore I can't do what most people do and I can't expect to feel good when I associate with people that aren't in my best interest. I am, after all, a swan and not a duck! My co-worker told me that I am like a hot stove when something is put on top of it. The stove burns the other item. In other words, something about me is hot. I have spent years feeling weird and maybe even inadequate because I have always been treated as so. There is truth in the notion when people say some friends may walk away. Last year was a true testiment to that. I always said to a few people that "if you all were really my friends you would keep me in the loop even when I couldn't participate. " I guess I was right when I said that because I haven't been kept in the loop. At first, it hurt really badly, but I understand the purpose in it all. There are simply some things that aren't for me. With that, I resolve to do some different things this year. My resolution list is as follows:
1. Spend more time at home in my own home. I am always so busy until I never get a chance to enjoy my home. I never read books that I want to read and when I do read--I tend to rarely finish the books. I also need to catch up on movies. I want to watch old Spike Lee movies and Naploean Dynamite, Beverly Hills Cop, and old episodes of The Boondocks.
2. Excercise--Isn't that always on that list?
3. Even if I don't move this year, set all of my ducks in a row to move so that the steps of the transition are in the beginning stages.
4. Find friends who have things in common with me--i.e. single with no children, calm demeanor. Pray for a friend and about and for those that I already have. Go out when I feel comfortable.
5. Stand up for my relationship and all that I believe about it. My family truly thought that I had lost my mind, but in my heart my honey is the man I am supposed to be with. Until God directs me and tells me otherwise, I will stand by that and build our relationship. I know that he genuinely makes me happy and we have a lot in common. He is truly all that I have prayed for. The world feels like a much better place to me when we are together.
6. Find a church home.
7. Stand by the notion that unsolicted advice is not welcomed. I am humble enough to listen to other people when they try to help me, but I am smart enough to know that everyone doesn't not have a word. An example is when Walt Disney wanted to build an early Disney World in St. Louis, Missouri and one of the city councilmen mentioned that anyone who wanted build an amusement that would not see alcoholic beverages in that city needed to have their head examined, it signaled to me that that person had no idea of the kind of blessing that that idea and that man had in his head. In many ways, I feel like Disney too. The end resulted in Disney moving the idea to a place that accepted and nurtured his idea and became not only a financial miracle, but a marvel.
8. Dream bigger and better dreams. I believe that God has even bigger things for me this year and I am faithful that this is my year!
I think that's all for now...I will add more as they come! Peace out! :)
Today, I find myself confused sometimes, as I know who I am and I am proud of myself, but I wish that some things would make more sense. I am at a crossroads in terms of what I want to do from this moment forward. I have been wrestling with the idea of moving for quite a while now--particularly since this past summer. I have been thinking about moving to NC for about 3 or 4 years now. Although I bought a house in Florida, I knew that I wouldn't live in it alone forever and I also knew that I didn't want to live in Florida for the rest of my life. I saw my home as an investment and as a means to build a foundation for wealth. When I met my honey, I knew that it was not an accident that he wanted to move to NC too. I had been dreaming of and speaking about how I wanted to go to the Virgin Islands for years now and it just so happens that he is from the Virgin Islands. So with that, I know that God has aligned that up just for me. We have gone through quite a bit with my family in nearly a year's time and I remember feeling sooo hurt about how they went about everything. They acted as though I had lost my mind and that I was being brainwashed or controlled by this new man as if I didn't know any better. It hurt so badly, not because I didn't understand where they were coming from as parents, but because they didn't trust my judgement and treated me as though they didn't know me at all. I must have cried nearly everyday. Today, however, I am at a different place. I don't cry everyday, but I think about it almost constantly. What will I do for a job? Who will live in my house? How do I want to market my home for renting? When are we getting engaged? I know that the engagement is coming, but in my heart of hearts, I don't want to rush anything so that we can have all of the ins and outs examined and things are well thought through. For that reason, I am making plans, but nothing is solidified and my ideas change almost daily with the stock market and the news. I see no need to rush, but it would make my heart feel so much better if Iknew exactly what to do. I say all of that to say this, I know that I need to go--my time here in this area is minimal. I have bigger and better things to do, not to say that I am better, but I am saying that my heart longs for something else and this is not it.
I notice that I am much happy now that I don't have certain things on my "to do" list or certain people around me. My honey said it best when he told me that he noticed that I smile "for real" now because he can notice genuine happiness in my smile. I am at a place where I can't handle being an afterthought or the undercover jealousy or text messages as complete conversations in leu of phone conversation, the attempts to view my home because people can't believe I actualy bought a house before them, or the "Brandi I need you to do.." but when I ask for someone to do for me, it's "O, well, I can't because.." I'm at the end of my rope with that. I realize that I am not like most people, therefore I can't do what most people do and I can't expect to feel good when I associate with people that aren't in my best interest. I am, after all, a swan and not a duck! My co-worker told me that I am like a hot stove when something is put on top of it. The stove burns the other item. In other words, something about me is hot. I have spent years feeling weird and maybe even inadequate because I have always been treated as so. There is truth in the notion when people say some friends may walk away. Last year was a true testiment to that. I always said to a few people that "if you all were really my friends you would keep me in the loop even when I couldn't participate. " I guess I was right when I said that because I haven't been kept in the loop. At first, it hurt really badly, but I understand the purpose in it all. There are simply some things that aren't for me. With that, I resolve to do some different things this year. My resolution list is as follows:
1. Spend more time at home in my own home. I am always so busy until I never get a chance to enjoy my home. I never read books that I want to read and when I do read--I tend to rarely finish the books. I also need to catch up on movies. I want to watch old Spike Lee movies and Naploean Dynamite, Beverly Hills Cop, and old episodes of The Boondocks.
2. Excercise--Isn't that always on that list?
3. Even if I don't move this year, set all of my ducks in a row to move so that the steps of the transition are in the beginning stages.
4. Find friends who have things in common with me--i.e. single with no children, calm demeanor. Pray for a friend and about and for those that I already have. Go out when I feel comfortable.
5. Stand up for my relationship and all that I believe about it. My family truly thought that I had lost my mind, but in my heart my honey is the man I am supposed to be with. Until God directs me and tells me otherwise, I will stand by that and build our relationship. I know that he genuinely makes me happy and we have a lot in common. He is truly all that I have prayed for. The world feels like a much better place to me when we are together.
6. Find a church home.
7. Stand by the notion that unsolicted advice is not welcomed. I am humble enough to listen to other people when they try to help me, but I am smart enough to know that everyone doesn't not have a word. An example is when Walt Disney wanted to build an early Disney World in St. Louis, Missouri and one of the city councilmen mentioned that anyone who wanted build an amusement that would not see alcoholic beverages in that city needed to have their head examined, it signaled to me that that person had no idea of the kind of blessing that that idea and that man had in his head. In many ways, I feel like Disney too. The end resulted in Disney moving the idea to a place that accepted and nurtured his idea and became not only a financial miracle, but a marvel.
8. Dream bigger and better dreams. I believe that God has even bigger things for me this year and I am faithful that this is my year!
I think that's all for now...I will add more as they come! Peace out! :)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Chapter 45: I Ain't Mad at Cha' or Am I?
I went to work today and I was so thankful that I was able to go to work, but for some reason, I was actually mad. Not at the job so to speak, but I was mad at the people there. I prayed this morning and I was happy, but when I saw the first student, I was very mad--I'm just before saying in a rage. I looked at some of my co-workers who day in and day out refuse to speak to me as if I were second class or a child or people who wouldn't help me like I've helped them and I immediately got angry. I'm not sure if I was mad at them directly or mad at the situation, or mad at possibly myself for allowing myself to be surrounded by these people--I'm not sure. I do know, however that I didn't sleep much last night because I was--well--angry. For some reason, I was thinking about all of the hurt and frustration that I have dealt with over the years, especially at work or with my "friends." I know without a doubt that I am blessed beyond measure to be able to work or accomplish the things that I have or simply to work multiple jobs, but something in my heart caused me to think about all of the things that I should let go. Most of these "things" are other people. In my effort to do this, I will and should forgive myself and live a happier life without stressing myself out about unnecessary things.
Last night, I found myself thinking about two men that had a relationship with. One was an ex-boyfriend and the other was a friend. Both of which called me in the last few days to tell me how much they want to see me or to tell me that they felt bad about how they had treated me over the years. I wasn't rude, but I made it clear that I didn't want to see them. I was in the bed last night and I was angry, angry, angry! I guess that one part of me wanted to be rude and the other thought what was the point(?). I felt sad, run over, and annoyed. Maybe I should let God do his work as my vindicator. I know in my heart, that I don't need them for any reason
The other thing that made me angry was my coworkers. Again, I'm glad to work, but I think that I am mad at myself for staying at my school knowing that I have been mistreated there several years. I stayed because I know that it is a rough year in terms of the recession and I didn't want to start all over again at this point, especially since, I'm still contemplating moving to NC. This morning, however I got mad at the students--students who feel a sense of entitlement and my students who are considered lower level who are rude, prideful, and simply hard to work with. I was angry at the fact that I got two preps this year, 22 retained students, and a high number of special education students all rolled into one. No one else in the grade level in reading had the same problem that I had. I felt not only, hurt, but manipulated and offended. By the time that I got my schedule it wasn't anything that I could do. So on one hand, I know I did what was right, but on the other hand, I am still a bit angry. I did what was right and smart, but it hurts. :)
That's all for now...
Last night, I found myself thinking about two men that had a relationship with. One was an ex-boyfriend and the other was a friend. Both of which called me in the last few days to tell me how much they want to see me or to tell me that they felt bad about how they had treated me over the years. I wasn't rude, but I made it clear that I didn't want to see them. I was in the bed last night and I was angry, angry, angry! I guess that one part of me wanted to be rude and the other thought what was the point(?). I felt sad, run over, and annoyed. Maybe I should let God do his work as my vindicator. I know in my heart, that I don't need them for any reason
The other thing that made me angry was my coworkers. Again, I'm glad to work, but I think that I am mad at myself for staying at my school knowing that I have been mistreated there several years. I stayed because I know that it is a rough year in terms of the recession and I didn't want to start all over again at this point, especially since, I'm still contemplating moving to NC. This morning, however I got mad at the students--students who feel a sense of entitlement and my students who are considered lower level who are rude, prideful, and simply hard to work with. I was angry at the fact that I got two preps this year, 22 retained students, and a high number of special education students all rolled into one. No one else in the grade level in reading had the same problem that I had. I felt not only, hurt, but manipulated and offended. By the time that I got my schedule it wasn't anything that I could do. So on one hand, I know I did what was right, but on the other hand, I am still a bit angry. I did what was right and smart, but it hurts. :)
That's all for now...
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