The past several weeks have been a little hectic, disappointing, exhausting, and strange, but somehow I've been able to stay sane and there have been moments that I can say that were happy. God is good and I can honestly say that he will save the day. I got a part-time job teaching English and writing on Saturdays at a private college to supplement my income. Living on a $1,200 monthly salary with a $1,200 mortage isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do. I genuinely like this job, however. I believe that it is a good transition into the new place that I believe that I will be directed to. Today I write this not only because I miss being connected to my notebook, but because this is my outlet to vent and it is what makes me happy. I am in the process of doing several things mentally, but more less, I am continually in the process of breaking away. I am writing this as I sit in my chilling classroom with about 17 students. I should be grading papers or doing something productive, but clearly I don't feel like it. LOL!
In speaking with my students we talked about perception and opinions and one of the things that they mentioned was that they didn't care about what people thought of them. What is funny is that the average person grows up believing that and I wonder if we are generally lying to ourselevs? We may say that, but on occasion, we do care about what others think...isn't that why we dress in a certain fashion to certain events or we watch what we say in certain arenas...right? I have decided to make a concerted effort to completely cut off the irrational opinions that other have of me. Not that they matter (the opinions that is), but I know that often the words that one hears can have an effect on the way in which one may live or the way in which one believes. It's kinda like being told that "you ain't never gonna amount to anything." or "you're just like your dumb ass daddy!" Eventhough this may be someone else's opinion of you, because you hear the negativity, it can become something that you believe. I know a lot of ill people..either ill--willed, or ill in the mind and I've discovered that sometimes they or any other person for that matter, say irrational thougts not because they want to, but because they either don' t know any better or because they are, again, ill-willed or disturbed.
I come from a different school of thought on many things and because of this, I have the ability not only see in the dark ahead of me, but I do things that the average person would say...why? There are people that I avoid and when I do speak to them inadvertantly, I get angry because they can be so irrational, small minded, or even rude on the sly. On one hand, the other person may genuinely not understand where you are coming from as well and as a result may present criticism from an ignorant standpoint. Another thing that I have learned and I guess I've always been this way, is I've learned how to talk to people. I am the boss of no one but myself, so therefore I don't tell anyone else what to do, even if they are asking for advice. In other words, I get frustrated when dumb people speak with such authority and honestly believe that their way is the law...this notion is inconceivable to me. ....but I digress.
On another note, I have officially have decided that I want to be transferred to another school next year. I have asked to be moved to a middle school next semester to get the experience of working on another level. Among all of the professional moves, I am doing this because I find myself sad when I go into the 12th grade building to work with my supervisor and her secretary. I find it be a conflict of interest, a feeling of blatant dislike or disrespect, and genuine confusion when I'm there. I have to do things that I know that I don't like for others to do me as a teacher or even work with students who are on the opposite of the spectrum. They have 3.5 GPAs and are upset that they haven't made the 4.0 mark. The students I teach are struggling to get a 2.0 GPA. There is a definite conflict of interest. On the other hand, I don't particularly fancy my supervisor either...this has been a thing that I've known for a while now. I feel disrespected in a sense because I've been trying to do this for at least a year and a half now and when I initially asked her, she acted like she didn't know what to do, particularly after she had worked with interns from 3 of the area schools. I also was done when she was blatantly disrespectful when she gave the last intern a job in the middle of the semester and wouldn't as much try to do the same for me. I can work with her to make things work for myself, but I have very little respect for her. I'm slick too, however I walk with my head held high as though none of that matters. I have to be a lady and professional at all times.
So now, I'm here at this point and I feel just the words of the song "Breakaway." GOD has done great things for me and he has allowed me to do things that so very few people can say that they've done at a young age. If anything, I'm proud of myself. But I'm still trying to breakaway for the nonsense of others. For this reason, I find myself alone and I want stay away from others...probably because I can see through some people. I'm not deliberately doing this, but something in my heart is asking me to remove myself from a lot of extra things. Here are the words of the song. For some reason, this is how I feel on a lot of days.
"I grew up in a small town and when the rain fall down , I'd just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be and if I'd end up happy. I would pray. I would break. Trying hard to reach out and when I tried to speak out felt like no one could hear me. Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here. So I prayed I could break away.
I'll spread my wings and I'd learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. I'll make a wish. Take a chance, make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun, I won't forget all the one's that I love and I'lltake a risk. Take a chance and break away.
Want to feel the warm breeze. Sleep under a palm tree. Feel the rush of the ocean. Get on board a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away and break away. I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky. I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun I won't forget all the one's that I love. I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and break away.
Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging with revolving doors, maybe I don't know where they'll take me. But gotta moving on, moving on, fly away, break away. I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, though it's not easy to tell you good-bye, but I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and break away."
Just like some of us say that "The Boondocks speaks the truth" so does Kelly Clarkson. Who says, black girls can't love white chik music?
