Chapter 53: Letter to Those Who Were Formerly Known As Important...

Dear Squiggy (The Formerly Important One),
I am writing this as it has been on my mind for a few days now. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you and that I am a better person because of you, but many days I feel like you have robbed me. I realize that you aren't just one person, you are many, but I feel like you are a source of stress coming all from one place. I couldn't shake the frustration and hurt and disappointment. There are nights that I laid awake not because I intentionally did so, but because my mind runs and I remember things so it didn't help to remember all of the grief you caused me. I've had bad dreams about being robbed or being abandoned. I often feel like things were my fault because you treated me so badly, but I know that maybe you were having issues in your life too. For years, I have felt like I was less. For years, I wondered why someone would treat me--the kind-spirited person--the person who lives by the golden rule--so badly. I wondered so often because I simply didn't understand. I thought that I would understand if I did something to you, but because I didn't, I was utterly confused. You have robbed me of my peace so many times. I often thought that I hated you, but I realize that I should be thanking you. You have made me a better person. I am stronger and smarter because of you. I have a greater story to tell and a deeper story to write. The days that you left me or forgot about me simply because someone else needed you and the days that you got mad at me because I didn't do what you wanted me to simply are stepping stones for me. It could very well be that I will be even greater in my future...and maybe even greater than you. I don't say that arrogantly, I'm just confident that God is keeping score. I don't have to feel vengeful because I know he's got it under control.

I remember when I asked you to come to my graduation because I was proud of myself, but you told me that you couldn't come because you didn't feel like driving and your "man" was in town and he needed you. Or when you came to the ceremony and stood there long enough for me to see you and then you left and ignored my calls for you to stay and eat awhile. It's okay. I'm so glad that God isn't like you. I remember when you told me that I wanted to be like you and that explains my behavior or even that your boyfriend and I were conspiring against you. I realize that you didn't know. The hurt that I felt when you got married annoyed me for years because again, it clearly didn't make sense. I was the person that visited you daily because you were my friend. I supported you when you did things you were proud of and somewhere along the line you got angry with me because I refused to lie for you in a legal accusation. I was hoping that you would understand--but I know that you didn't and that's okay. I know that if you were thinking properly, you would've understood. I forgive you when you said that you never told me that you loved me or when you ignored me or when you said that you couldn't be around because she would be angry with you if you were with me. And let's not forget when you told me that "I should get over myself" when I told you that I was offended that you treated me unfairly. I didn't deserve that and I didn't know that was the kind of relationship we had. I'm no longer angry about the time when my car broke down and you ignored the fact that my car was down; you were more concerned about yourself right? You didn't really like me and I'm really glad that you didn't. My life would be very, very miserable. I'm glad that you broke up with me. Although I didn't understand it then, I'm thankful for not only the answered prayers, but the unanswered ones too. You have prepared me for an even better man. One who really loves me and accepts me for who I am, not someone who gets angry with me when I'm not being the person you want me to be.

I remember when I asked you to come to my party and you didn't come even though you said you would. I cleaned and made food for you because I just knew that you would be there for me just like I was for you. You were there for everyone else and even planned celebrations for other people. Why not me? Was that too much for you to do? It's okay though. I have learned that most people shouldn't be that much of a priority especially when I am only an option to them. You can no longer make me feel small because I know that I am bigger than this and you. Because my heart is good I know that God sees it.

Thank you for the not appreciating my potential and credentials because I know that someone else will. Thank you for laughing at me or saying that I wasn't strong enough or ready because I know that one day you will eat your words and someday strive to be just like me when you grow up. You see, I know that my destiny doesn't lie with you. It lies with my creator. Thankfully, He sees the greatness in me that you were too blind to see. You didn't have to talk about me or doubt that I had the things that I have. I'm glad that you talked about me behind my back or "forgot" to invite me or when you were too busy or self-absorbed to help me. Thank you for ignoring me when I came to visit you in another city--a trip we planned together or when I asked you let me spend the night when I no where to go. I'm sorry that I put my feet on your couch, but I was tired after being out after you told us we couldn't stay while your boyfriend was visiting. You didn't have to be so rude, but I understand how unplanned guess can throw a wrench in your plans. I'm glad that I didn't see you in person again. Thank you for leaving me alone or ignoring me as you ran on foot through the hood. I can't run as fast and as consistently as you. I was afraid because you left me alone to run in the hood as it was getting dark. You didn't have to do that; you could've waited for me. I would have done that to you. It's okay though.

I've learned that I can help myself and that I am not afraid of the things that used to paralyze me. Things like being alone--because I am alone, in the human sense, all of the time. I have no choice, but to trust in and talk to God. He really is my best friend now. I don't need fair-weather friends who lie or get angry when I don't do what they want me to do. Who needs bullies, right? It hurt me to own this, but I know that you never had my back. I know that if you were my real friend, you would have treated me better. I'm no fool. But, in essence and in retrospect, it's okay--again God is keeping score. He's watching it all and you know what--I'm going to be okay.

No longer will you hurt me or make me feel small. I'm a better woman now. I know that without you in my life I am truly better. I will say that I missed you at first, but I don't anymore. As the song says, "you thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm smarter. You thought that I'd be sad without you, (but) I laugh harder. You thought that I would fail without you, but I'm on top." Squiggy, I have a long life to live and I can't walk around under a cloud because of the grief that you caused me. I felt that I couldn't shake you for a long time and that no on would befriend me because there seemingly something wrong with me. Today, I put that to rest. For a long time I thought that I forgave you and for the most part I did, but I had a hard time with the guilt and hurt because I remembered it--not because I was angry, but because I remembered. Today, I am over it. Again, maybe you had your own set of problems that have nothing to do with me. I can't make myself be rude to you, but I can let you know that you will no longer unnerve me or make me feel sad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself as I have forgiven you and me. Maybe you will treat people fairly in the future. I know I will. You have taught me a lot.

Sincerely,
B

Chapter 52: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then the Motherhlood...Part III

Today, my friend called me to tell me that she was pregnant. I have to admit that I was a little shocked and possibly a little jealous (?). Yes, I am scared a little, but I am also feeling a little left out. I always have. I know that being last serves a purpose--I just don't know what. I guess this constant rotation of my concerns is probably fruitless and maybe a little too frustrating. Maybe it is causing me more stress than necessary. I get asked questions about when I'm going to have babies, etc, etc, and truly this really makes me a little frustrated and maybe even sad. IDK It could be that the love and the baby carriage will come when I decide to move...move from the things that frustrate me and hurt me and confuse me and the things and people that continue to make me feel left out or less than my best. Maybe that's when it will happen. Maybe the both of us will overcome our fear of this big, important step. I do know I will be good and it and I also know that God works in his own time and season. I believe that this is my season to do me and do it even bigger. :)

Chapter 51: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage..Then The Motherhood Part II

Okay. So I went home last weekend and one of the things that I noticed was a bit of frustration on my part. It was mother's day. I didn't let on to anyone about what I was thinking, but every year at church I am reminded that I haven't taken the step to motherhood or "wifedom." I remember when I was in school and single, people always had an interesting reason as to why they thought I was single. Folks said things like: "you don't dress like you want a man---you need to give them enough to look at." "you don't have to have a man that's all up in the church. Why don't you just stop with that." "You're so mean." "Ain't nobody gonna want you because you are too independent."

At this stage, I think about things very differently. I have come to believe that the reason I was single for so long was because God had to make me a better woman and he had to make sure that all of the steps were in order for my honey to meet me. Everyone thought or possibly still thinks that I am too picky--but there are a lot of things or types of men that I have tried to be with and it simply didn't work. Someone even had the audacity to think that I lost my mind (she actually said this) and thought that I feel in love with the first man that I met. That really stung, but I guess everyone has to have a hypothesis about why I am not like everyone else.

I look at it now and it's almost comical. I know I did what's right. I am older and more mature and I can make better decisions about weddings and babies. I can actually say that I've had a chance to live my own life. I don't want to get to a point in my life where I don't know who I am and I haven't had time to live for myself. I just think that it's funny when I've done the right thing all of my life and now people are still looking at me and thinking "what's wrong with you?"

Part me now, is kinda afraid to get married and have children. For several reasons, as mentioned previously. Scared to have children because as a teacher, I see what it's like to see children at the other end of the spectrum--when they're older. I know that it's hard work. Children aren't like Topsy from Uncle Tom's Cabin--you don't just add water and they grow. They need to be raised! I also knew that I wanted a husband and not a baby daddy. Am I ready?

Another thing that came to my attention was in talking to other people about some of my concerns about marriage, I noticed that some married women never thought of things the way that I have. I don't think that I'm overreacting--I just think I'm trying to go into this one day well informed and ready to handle the various challenges. I figure if I am an emotional wreck--I wouldn't be ready for anything of this sort. I have watched too much craziness in regards to weddings and marriages in my short life. Is that too much? IDK these are just my thoughts...