Chapter 11: Gettin' Grown

At what point does one really feel grown? Is it when you have an opportunity to live outside of your mother's home? Is it when you make all of your own decisions? Is it when you walk across the stage to shake hands with a person whom you may have never seen face to face to receive your diploma or degree? Or is it when you get a real job? I stand at a point when I have to question what adulthood means. I have come to a point in which I believe that when you are grown there are some things that truly don't matter anymore like whether so and so will be your friends if you tell them the truth or will this man really love me when I tell him the truth. I am standing alone at 25 and I understand that there are so many things that I have had overcome to reach this juncture in my life.

Throughout the year, I have made a conscious decision to back away from some people in my life. Yes, I know that people make mistakes and those who are your friends are bound to hurt you and you are bound to hurt them at some point, but there is one thing that I do know for sure and it's the fact that I have to protect my heart and my feelings. My mom and my grandfather say that all you have in this life (along with the Lord) is your name and your feelings. I agree with that. So I say that to say that it doesn't matter anymore about anyone else and what they do or think because people can't help but be people and they will say and do just about anything. I care about me. Blessed is he who doesn't seek counsel among the ungodly or unwise...in other words "everybody ain't got a word."

What I find funny in every day conversations is how judgemental people can be when listening to one's life experiences. Being that I am a counselor, one of the first things that I learned was that when you are presented with a client you are not supposed to give advice. You are supposed to listen and give positive un-biased regard to that individual because it is not the counselor's job to judge, but it is their job to lead the client to thier own recovery. I have been saved by the grace and love of God from so many things when men are concerned. I am one of the only people that I know that didn't immediately go on a journey to definitively call themselves grown when they left home...to put it plainly, I didn't get buck wild when I went to college. My parents did a good job of letting us have a little bit of freedom when we were growing up so that when we got older it wasn't that serious to "wild out" so to speak. I have to be easy on myself and say that I think that I have done well for myself. I have made it this far without a baby and STDs or hospital bills from a domestic violence dispute. I can say that I haven't stalked a man before. I haven't completely lost my mind behind one either. I have held on to my integrity in some strangely amazing ways, but what I have a hard time listening to is other's criticism of me when I do open up about some of the things that I have gone through.

I think that it's funny when women mention that they wouldn't have dealt with this man and that man or they hint to the notion that maybe I don't love myself because if I did, I wouldn't be involved with certain men. When I hear things I realise that I can't control what others will say to me, but I can control how I respond and how I feel when it is said. I like to think about something that Susan Taylor, the editoral director of Essence magazine, said, "I didn't understand that I wasn't a bad girl, only a child seeking love." I think for me, when dealing with my crazy and short lived relationships it wasn't that I didn't love myself, I was able to stand on my own, but I did it because in my relationships with other people there was a lack of sincerity on thier part. For that reason, I stuck with the men in hopes that they would be the sincere person that I needed. I was raised to make things work out. I don't know any different than that. It's not that I didn't have God, it is just human to want companionship on earth. Everyone has a coping mechanism or a system of personal control and for me it was to try to make sense of things and to be forgiving. I felt like if I could be kind and loving I would, according to "the secret" draw the same type of people into my life. While I believe that that's possible, for me, those situations that I have faced were only part of the process of my destiny in this life; not mistakes. If I'd never faced adversity, I would never know how and when to call on the Lord. Struggles have been one of the best tools for me when I stepped into the classroom as an educator and into the clinic as a counselor.

Each of my "relationships" most of which didn't last longer than 3 months, were the result of my attempt to mend the hurt that I felt from the previous relationship. I think that it began when I was younger when I genuinely cared about my boyfriend and I was supportive and caring, but despite all of that, he still cheated on me. I believe that at a young age, I felt hurt by the fact that when you care or love someone, because they are still people, they, and you are not exempt from hurting someone else or being hurt. So after that I decided to just date and have fun, but for me dating isn't fun like it looked for other women. I learned that girls like me weren't necessarily in style with young men in a world where casual sex is the status quo and wildn' out is a top priority. So to say the least, college dating for me was and still is rough. Most of my friends from college have never seen me with a man. I didn't have what some girls had...I didn't have the boyfriend to come visit me or support me in my endeavours. I did, however and thankfully have my family as my number one fan base. I am proud that I was able to hold on to the person that I am and my intergrity all while growing into my self. Going to parties alone or spending birthdays alone because some people simply can't be there is alone, enough to slightly tarnish anyone's self-esteem, but somehow I have been able to rise above that.

I find it funny when others feels so opinionated about things and become hypocritical about some of the things that I have experienced or people that I have been friends with in this life. The Lord is my shepherd and my hero, whom shall I fear and who can be against me? It is amazing how other people will spend a lot of time trying to make you feel less than or attempt to hype themselves up. One is grown when none of that matters anymore. It's kinda like the words to the song, "Shout" there are simply some things that you can do without. Being grown is living out another chapter of your life and being okay with that. It is also not living in mediocrity, but dreaming a bigger and greater dream because if God can give you more than you can ever ask or think, wouldn't it make sense to dream a greater dream so that the one he has created will exceed that by far? Being grown is realising and appreciating one's strength and growth. I can honestly say that my education, my home, and my career don't define me as an adult, but it is my frame of mind, my intergrity, my heart, and my growth in thinking that do. I am a survivor and I am more than a conqueror. I am so thankful that God saves us each for a special purpose. While I'm not sure what mine is, I am so greatful for the assurance of the fact that there is a purpose. Being grown is stepping up to and into your spiritual car and saying okay God I'll go wherever you take me and whatever you take me through I will still spend always with you. He is God. It's like Whitney Houston says, "He lifts me up. He gives me love. He's all I've got (and) he's all the (man) I need." Period.