Chapter 19: My Epiphany

Today, I realize that it wasn't me. When I say that, I mean that while I acknowledge my wrong doings or my part in many situations, I understand now that being single or hurt that I felt in the past was not a result of something I did. I've always believed in cause and effect and because of that I always thought that the way some people may treat you can be a result of something you did. Not always..but some of the time. An example would be getting in trouble as a child. Your mother may yell at you because of something that you did. Cause and effect. As an adult I carried that along with me. I'm not ignorant to the fact that some people have "issues" and do things without warrant, but I used to think that when someone would deliberately do something to be rude or hurt your feelings logically I thought it was something that I inadevertantly did. Just as it was when I was younger. Today I noticed that in looking back a lot of things were simply out of my control and not my fault. It wasn't because I couldn't do it right or because something was wrong with me...it was the other person. I try to own things,but in some cases I have to own up to the fact that not everything is my fault or that I did something to be treated in a certain way. I'm not perfect, but I know that I didn't do anything to receive some of the unfair treatment that I did.

I digress...another thing that I don't like is that there are people that I have come in contact with that will say stupid things like, well you're not in the right places or you're not giving a man enough to look at or you're not letting him know that you are interested or the all time stupid one is...you're just too picky. For a long time I thought that it was my fault that I was single because that's all I heard and in turn I've been single for 5 going on 6 years. (If you look at relationships in which you use the word "boyfriend") So logically, I felt that I did something wrong. Nowadays I tend to think that people say things like that because they simply don't know what to say to me. They are seeking for answers but because they may not know what to say or how to approach me it comes out wrong. I am learning to be easy on myself and to think about the good and right things that I have done with my life. I haven't always done everything right, but I know that I could've done worse. I look at some of the places I've been or people I have been with and I know that the hand of God has been on my life not because I was so good, but because he genuinely loves me. ....but I digress...

As a single person I think about the fact that as my mother puts it, I think that it's my fault all of the time. I only think that way because I know that I am the only person that I can change. So when people ask me why am I single, I am kinda at a loss for words because sometimes I don't know why either. I have resolved to the notion that the men that I have been involved with or the men that I have met simply do not know what to do with me. I'm like a new item that is beautifully packaged and worth a whole lot, but because I don't look or operate like the others, I am often discarded. This applies to women also. I don't have many friends and sometimes I wonder why...other times I don't think so much about it. My father once told me that "women often have a problem with you B because you see something that you want and you go after it. There are not many people who can do that in this life. " I now believe him. So while I sit alone and wonder why about some things, I am encouraged and greatful to be the person that I am. I think I'm having a Forrest Gump moment because I know that no one can see the greatness in you until you do yourself. He saw greatness in himself even when no one else did. Even when his friends left him or forsaked him or when they simply didn't have time for him because they were going through their own issues. I'm glad to know that I have two best friends, me and my GOD. Some people can say that thier children or thier dogs, or maybe even thier husbands or wives or thier best friends, I have neither, but on a good note, I have the two best friends in the world. Standing alone at the shore isn't so bad when you know that their is a big sea with endless possibilities and a God who can steer your ship to the right places at the right times. My mother says that God sees the whole picture and she's right. Everyone and everything happens for a reason and the reason that I don't know why and how these things happen is exactly why I'm not God. Good women can stand alone and that's exactly what I do.