I'm a mess right now. I have to admit that I feel down. Growing up in the south one of the many cliches' that I heard was "she don't play the radio." All this means is that you don't play games. Right now, I honestly feel like that. Today I went back to my teaching job to get things set up for the first day of school and to attend a meeting with the school counseling department. I am interning in that department and I am teaching two classes of reading and English this semester. I have been going through this with my current job for several years now about how I was going to work out my intership and work at the same time. This year was different, however I felt more optimistic and I felt faithful in what was going on and that everything would be fine. And despite what I am feeling, I am still confident and faithful, but I got to be honest with myself in saying that it doesn't feel good. So I went ahead and I went to work today to meet with the other counselors. One of the counselors was due to go on maternity leave in September, but God stepped in and she had the baby a few days ago. All this time, I was thinking that the counseling department would let me fill in for her as she would only be gone for 6 weeks, and as a result, I could get paid as a "permanent sub" and make money as a full time employee instead of a part time employee. As you can probably guess, that didn't happen.
Last year there was a similar incident and my co-worker had to leave due to medical concerns. I applied for that position as well being that I work with her population of students and she and I both thought that it would be good experience. I felt as though the adminstration underminded me as I was called in for an interview without any notice and I was given 10 minutes to get to the office for the interview. I was really hurt and not to mention unprepared, but I put my best foot forward. I didn't get the position and the administration felt the need to explain themselves to me by saying that they wanted to get someone who was already "paper ready" or had thier degree already. In that I understood, but the way that they did it was rude and wrong.
So as I was looking through my mail before the meeting started today, I looked up and I saw, her...the lady who took the position last year. I had grown to be respectful and not resentful to her during the last part of last school year because she didn't know, but today it didn't take long for me to see what was going on. So just to keep me from jumping to conclusions, I glanced over at the bags that were prepared for the other counselors and I saw my name and her name on the same bag. The administration had done it again. Instead of allowing me to fill in, they called her at the last minute to come to work. I truly understand why they did this, but it just isn't cool when you are trying to pay the bills. I bought my home last year on a tight budget. I need at least $2,000 to pay my bills each month. My salary for this semester is half of that. While I know that the Lord will pull me through this one. I stand still, sorta hurt, and more less, confused. For awhile as I was sitting in a meeting with these people, I almost wished that someone would have slapped me in the face instead of underminding me again. At least I could physically feel the pain because the internal and emotional pain stings a little more. But I have to look at it as purposeful and know that things like this build character somehow. Still, I am a little sad, yet I understand. No matter what, my God is faithful.
I have sent off for information regarding home equity loans and personal loans because I have exhausted all of my options concerning student loans. To date, I am in debt nearly $30,000 in student loans. The maximum amount that I receive will cover my tuition and after the tuition is paid, I will be left with only $500. Ain't that 'bout a 'it. I have been working on this degree for nearly 4 years. I have been working on my certification as an English teacher and getting reading endorsement so that I could at least keep my teaching job in the state of Florida, therefore it is taking me a little longer than most people. Initially, I was set to graduate in December because I thought that my school would have my back somehow, by allowing me to intern full time and receive pay, but today, it has become a little clearer that I won't graduate in Decemeber, in fact , I will be graduating in May 2008. This truly breaks my heart. Rationally, I understand, but again, I'm just really hurt.
When I spoke to some of my "friends" who were counselors also, they told me that the likelihood of me becoming a counselor before I completed my degree program was slim, but I know that it could happen because the young lady who went on maternity leave got her job 1 month after she was working her job as an unpaid intern at my school. I was hurt simply because they had her back and didn't have mine, especially considering the fact that I've been working there for 3 years. My "friend" offered me a job working for her tutoring center, but that fell through as she hired someone else and she couldn't afford to hire me because her job situation didn't come through. She offered me a job as a teacher the other day, but I don't know whether to believe her. Her comment was can you just work part-time at your school. Right now, I have no other choice. I need almost $1,000 more each month to pay all of my bills. I thought about getting another part-time job, but I'm not so sure if that's feasible, teaching, going to school, and working a side job. Working full time and going to school was more than enough all of this time. While getting a home was no one's fault, but my own, I know that I prayed dilligently for it and I received it. I know that God wouldn't pull me out this far to leave me alone.
So today, I say that I'm turning off the radio. It was already on the lowest volume possible because I'm quite frankly tired of stupid people. The radio goes off because in the times when I was kind and friendly, those were the times when I got hurt the most. Truthfully, I don't have time to play. I know that the bible says be ye not weary of well doing, becase in due season you will reap what you sew, but truthfully I don't want to be concerned with too many people this school year. At my job especially. I'm not rude, neither am I bitter, but in order to protect my heart I need to keep my distance. It is simply not like me to be rude and standoffish, but it is what it is. Whatever God wants is cool with me, but I simply need direction and a hug would be nice. This is just how I feel.
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