Chapter 8: The Pieces of Me...

I was thinking to myself the other day about the evolution of my life and how good GOD has been to me in spite of the things around me. I thought, wow. I am one hell of a woman! It's like the song says, "I ain't no joke!" I meet people all of the time and one of the things that they say to me is wow. I thought that you were 20 years old...I am really 25. I also like to laugh at the fact that others don't think that I teach high school students. A young lady said that to me the other day and as I was driving away, I thought about my credentials. I have taught high school English and reading for three years. I am about to graduate with my master's degree in counselor education. I owned my own home at 24 and I have been able to somehow do all of this simultaneously and I did it mainly on my own...just me and GOD. I have been able to acclamate myself pretty well to a new city in a relatively short amount of time as well. I'm blessed! It's funny how I never really think about these things. I guess sometimes you need to hear something good about yourself in order to truly get an understanding of how great you are. It's one thing to encourage yourself and to have good esteem for yourself, but every now and then everyone needs a little lifting. So in light of me...I decided to "toot my own horn" a little bit. Here is my biography. These are the pieces of me...
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Everyone has been given a direct purpose in this life and I sincerely believe that my purpose is to work with children. I currently work as an English teacher. Even though I am only 25 years old, I look at my role as an educator as my destiny and my growth in my professional and personal life as a journey. I graduated from the University of Florida in 2004 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in English with a specialization in American Literature and Secondary Education. It is no coincidence that I have come to be an educator as both of my parents are educators. My career as a teacher began as a rocky, one as I didn’t intentionally or initially seek a position as a classroom teacher. I dreamed of being a writer and I realized that I genuinely loved to read. I noticed that there was a shortage of minority teachers and a lack of student exposure to multicultural texts so I decided that I needed to step up to be an educator.

Upon my graduation from the University of Florida, I moved on to earn a Master of Education degree in Counselor Education with a focus on School Counseling. While I enjoy my position as a teacher, I have always known that I enjoyed the study of counseling. By virtue of my personality, I believe that the combination of my love for words and my love for young people is exactly the key to aid the educator shortage in Florida whether it is through school counseling or classroom teaching. I believe that it is imperative that more qualified people step up as educators to encourage and empower young minds in all aspects of the profession. <>In my role as a teacher, I find it surprising that so many students, particularly minority students, do not have a grasp of the English language (oral and written) by the time they reach high school. These students often lack coping skills as well. One of my goals is to publish a series of children’s and adolescent books that will focus on self-awareness among minority youth. I would also like to continue conducting research on intervention programs for minority students. Through my experiences and endeavors as a classroom teacher and counseling student, I hope to continue to push for higher standards.

My short term goals are to become a high school guidance counselor. I would like to develop counseling and student support programs that cater to the needs of special populations and help to better prepare our students for the real world. My long term goals are to earn a doctoral degree in Education. At some point, I would like to work on the collegiate level as an instructor or advisor at a Historically Black College or University. While it has been a challenge to work full time and pursue my degree at the same time, I truly believe that it has all been worth it. I am becoming better equipped for the challenges of working with students and parents. My research ventures have also helped me to better understand the psyche of students and how students perceive intervention programs.

In all of my efforts, I’ve noticed that I’ve grown tremendously. I have more confidence than I’ve ever had. As a quite person, I learned to observe my surroundings and as result, I can relate to writer Maya Angelou. She says, “I know why the caged bird sings.” I sing because in my silence I’ve learned an enormous amount and I’ve watched myself develop. I also become very tenacious, considerate, and diligent. I truly believe that I can “see in the dark” or press on regardless of adversity. Ultimately, I understand that experience is the best teacher and often opens doors for further insight. I look forward to new endeavors each day as I continue to read and create new chapters in my life story.

One day this will be much longer, but until then, this is just a start....

Chapter 7: Something New...

Yesterday I thought about that incredibly crazy song by Destiny's Child, "Happy Face." While the song is a bit goofy, it is my song. Some of the lyrics are " I woke up and realized this world's not so bad after all. I looked at it through a child's eyes and I saw those beautiful things that you never think about like the ocean, moonlight, stars, and clouds. It's amazing how we don' t appreciate our blessings. Sometimes it gets tough, but I can't give up." So after thinking for awhile, I have decided to do something new. I know that other people can relate to me when I say that some things in one's life have to stop or in other words, die. As a Christian, we often say that we should die to ourselves so that we can let GOD do his thing, but not only that, I am starting to die to myself so that I can let the other part of me live. I have changed and the old part of me is dying.

I am a counselor as well and it's really interesting to me to see parts of myself in my clients. One day I noticed that one of my clients forgot about himself in a picture that he was drawing. For him it made good sense to me as to why he did that. He had been treated like he wasn't important for so long so he started to believe that that was true. I have come to a point in my life where I am believing more and more in my own worth. I've never doubted myself, but everyone needs that little bit of love or that little push from those around them. In being in relationships with other people, I have been mistreated in some aspects and if you've ever been in a situation where things are consistantly crazy, you can start to believe and associate with the way you are being treated. Even in romantic relationships when dating and there is a lot of rejection, it is difficult not feel, as TLC put it, "Un-pretty." I saw pictures of myself and said I am the most precious thing in the world. I have been down for a long time not only because I was stressed out, but because I was feeling like the way I've been treated. It is not my fault that other people don't see my worth. They are missing out on one of the best things since sliced bread!

Another thing that I've decided to do is simply have fun. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but I've decided to dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and simply be free. I don't care anymore about whether my guy friend is going to go out with me or whether my friends will be down for the cause. I've always done things by myself, but now I think that it's on a whole 'nother level. It used to hurt my feelings and I would wonder why other people can get thier "friends" to do for them, but the truth of the matter is that I like me and that's all that matters.

Yet another thing that has changed is the fact that I look at what I do as a profession a bit differently now. I was feeling really weird about the path that I chose for my graduate degree and the career that I chose--teaching. I am working in a clinic as a practicum counseling student and I realized that I won't be using any of this in the field and I wished that I had chosen something else. Along with that, I toy with my profession as a teacher because everyone knows that teachers make small salaries in comparison to other professions. The other day, brought a little bit of clarity to me., however. I was helping with an SAT Prep course that my service group conducts in our community. I visibly understood why I became and eduactor. I saw students who had so much potential, but they didn't know it themselves. I know that I was once in that perdicament and I geuninely like to help young people, especially minorities because there are so many things that we are not told in our communities and often few resources. Truthfully, we often lack the ability to dream and I think that that is sad. I am helpng to share my talent with other people, it is my ability to see in the dark or to make something out of nothing. That is why I have became a school counselor and a teacher.

I have decided that I am going to be happy regardless of what's going on my life and in the lives of others around me. Life's too short to be concerned about people and things that shouldn't matter to me. I have decided to be more of the lady that I have been called to be. Not that I haven't already, but I think it's time to dress for the part. It's time for the pretty girl outfits and flawless attitude to match...all on a dollar budget.

One of my favorite poems is "To Be Somebody" by Robin Wiliams. Part of it reads as follows: "I'm barefooted, hungry and thin as a leaf. My last meal consisted of sorrow and grief. My face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but deep down inside, I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody, not just a hope in a storm , a tree without life or a rose without charm. Not just a song without music or a day without sun, I want to be on top when it's all said and done...I want to meet someone who made it good on the first try and stand along beside them and say so did I...I want to be somebody, but if only for a little while and instead of the world greeting me with a storm let it furnish a smile, but not because my face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but because I had the guts to be somebody." I've learned that I have more guts than most of my peers, but because some people can't quite handle the person that I am, sometimes folk can be very discouraging. I'm done with that now. The other part of me is seeking to live and it is only fair to let her do so. By no means am I saying that I am going to stop doing those things that make me, me. I am saying, however that I am going to go about things a little differently. 2007 is the year of completion, the digits of my age equal 7 (2 + 5), I've been a college student for 7 years and I have driven the same car for seven years. Clearly, this should be the year to end the unecessary things. The word according to T.I. is , I got "big things poppin' and lil' things stoppin'. (I got to) Ball on these suckas, 'cause loosin' is not an option!" To whom much is given, much is required. I am too blessed not live the way that GOD wants me to. Living otherwise would be assinine.

In the words of Lil Kim, this chapter is through...

Chapter 6: More About the Truth...

The Bible states that you reap what you sow and to everything there is a season. It is wise when a person understands which season he or she is in. I am not one to say that I believe that I should understand everything, because clearly I don't, but I do think however, I that I understand that there is indeed an order to this thing that we call life. There are people and situations that come into your life to make you much stronger that you could ever be on your own. I have found this to be true in so many situations, but one in particular happened the other day.

I was speaking to a guy the other day. I met him through a function at church. I was with one of my girlfriends and I was myself as usual---chillin' with no particular agenda. In speaking with him I enjoyed the conversation, I liked him for the most part, but he spoke a lot about my girlfriend that made me think that something was shady. So to make an incredibly long story short, in conversing with my friend, we discovered that he had been telling both of us the same things. So my girl sent him a message pretty much said that we were too old for games. She spoke with him later that same day and he tried to redeem himself, but she was clearly pissed. So that leaves me in the strange perdicament. Both my friend and I agreed to bow out gracefully, so there is no need to even consider him as a date. My thought is that I don't believe that I did anything wrong, therefore I should carry myself in the way that I always did in relation to him--chill.

So today, I saw him in church and he spoke and I did likewise. I carried on a five minute conversation and then I left. I had a male friend with me and he was like...so you can fake the funk too. I felt that it was okay for me to speak to him because I knew that I wasn't trying to date him and there is no need to be openly rude. The truth about being a good person melts down to the fact that other people think that you are silly when you are kind in spite of the person or the circumstances. I believe that you do reap what you sow regardless if it is good or bad things that you sow. I think that my ability to do this will take me a long way in this life. I will ultimately reap the benefits when it's my turn. My politeness doesn't mean that I am a coward or fake, I just felt that if I'm going to be going to the same church and in fellowship with these same people, I need to be able to be cordial and still maintain my distance and integrity. Is that wrong?

Chapter 5: What They Want?

I recently went to a single's conference. I truly learned a lot, but it made me look at the emotional aspect of men a little differently. I spoke with several men about marriage and what they believed to be the woman's role in a marriage to be. Along with the interesting answers I heard, I noticed that men get just as emotionally battered as women do sometimes. I always look at how women can be so beat down and hurt and abused by relationships, and the men on the other hand look at though they can bounce back a little faster. In speaking to some of the men, one of the things that was prevelent in our conversation was the fact that they wanted a woman that could cook and clean. The men who had been in relationships where the woman didn't cook nor clean seemed to be bitter about the whole issue as they complained about how the next woman will have to clean and cook or she will not be on the radar for them. I thought...hmmmm....interesting.

A friend of mine recently got out of a relationship with a young lady who did neither...cook or clean. He mentioned some of the same things, such as the next woman will need to cook and clean, etc. When I mentioned what I needed in a relationship, the tables turned rather quickly. I said that the next man needs to treat me like the Queen of Sheba. He needs to be happy seeing me happy and he will be considerate of my feelings and he will be willing to give me the attention that I need. My friend said to me...so you believe the same the other way around don't you? It brought clarity to me when he said that because it made me realize that men don't like to feel like what they are doing is in vain, much like women do. What I really meant by that is that I want to be treated like I am the most precious thing on the planet. After being forgotten and abuse and used, I believe that it is my turn to be pampered. Yes, I am a "ride or die" girlfriend and friend. I do cook and clean and I am a good support person for a man. I will take care of a man. I will make a good wife. Am I asking for too much when I say, I want to be treated like I am special?

We continued our conversation and I realized that he felt just as I did. He felt like he was being mistreated and wanted to be pampered too. So in the real scheme of things, it is important to be considerate of the other person in a relationship. My only reservation is that there is a generation of good men who have been used. The problem is that we both can't be struggling to feel appreciated. I am a good woman and I wonder if I will ever truly get what I deserve from a man. In the conversation with my friend, I told him that I don't believe that he can ultimately give me what I need. When I said that, he says, B you are so sacastic until no man is going to want that from you. At that point I understood him, but I mentioned that everyone has something that they use to keep them safe from the harm of others. Sarcasm is mine.

Ultimately men and women feel the lack of care from each other. I believe that if we both did our jobs in a relationship there would not be a need for the man or the woman to make demands. I honestly believe that if I were treated the way that I deserve, I will go to the ends of the earth to make my man smile and to make him happy. Although I've done it before and not received the love that I deserve, I believe that it is right to treat a man with the respect and love that he deserves. Yes, I do think that some men ask for too much from thier women, but I often wonder am I asking for too much of a man? Is that the reason that I am single? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my "me time" and I know that I have a lot to offer the world, but could that be the reason for me being single?

Chapter 4: The Truth About Being a Good Person...

I know that it sounds trite to say "the truth about being a good person," but I have come to a point where I sometimes feel like being good isn't always fun. The truth is that it is extremely hard to be a good person. I am 25 years old and I have been single for years and one of the most disheartening things to hear from a man is "I really like you. I would marry you, but I wouldn't date you." Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is "what the hell do you mean, you would marry me, but you wouldn't date me?" In the midst of that completely asinine statement is a subtle hint of hope and the notion that the man meant well somehow. In other words, he was saying that maybe you (Brandi) are too good for me or possibly he wants to hint that he hasn't completely gotten his bachelor mentality out of his system yet. While I can respect that to a degree, it hurts.

I was talking to a guy the other day and, we or should I say, he came to the notion that he was too much for me. We agreed that we should not date. I don't agree with some of his habits, but in being honest about things, I know that it was best. I really like him and he likes me, but in some twisted way, it is hard not to feel that I've been throwed away. If I am such a good woman, (I have no doubt in my mind of this...) why wouldn't a man like that? It's almost like saying that I'm not much fun for some guys. You may think, "she should feel like such a prize right now because the bad guys are weeded out." Well, the truth is that I do feel good most days, but it doesn't feel good when you have to spend holidays alone or listen to your friends tell you about how wonderful their men have been to them.


I remember asking GOD to do something interesting for me. I asked him to keep certain men away from me if they aren't "The One." I know that that sounds silly, but I'm tired of hurting now. I've been in several relationships that have poisonous to my life and I wonder sometimes what I have to offer to another man. Although I am young, I don't want to casually date anymore or be in another relationship, be it friendship or romantic relationship, that will be debilitating to me. If I've never understood the power of GOD before, I understand it now---you should be ready when you ask him for something or to do something because he will give it to you! What is so funny to me is that when I meet a man that I like and he seems to like me, it's almost like he fades away. I had a wonderful date once and he seemed to like me too. What's interesting is that I called him the next day to tell him that I had such a great time and to continue to "build rapport" with him. When I spoke with him, he rushed me off the phone and didn't hear from him for two months! It wouldn't have been so weird if he hadn't called my dad the next day to tell him how much fun we had as he knew my dad from business. I just have to believe that there is something greater. While it's sad and I want to cry sometimes when I see couples doing nice things and having fun, I know that there has to be a method to the madness. People have told me that there is something wrong with me because I am the common factor in all of this or the most notorious one of all "don't worry B you'll find someone one day." I hate that! While it is not only endearing, people say it because they think that it sounds good!

Another thing that troubles me about being a good person is the fact that there are sooo many haters. I know that there are haters everywhere, but when you try to do what's right and others can't find any major dirt on you, it tends to ruffle some people's feathers. I own my own home, I have two degrees and I'm working on the third as I write this, I own my car, and I clearly "do me." I stay out of folk's business, I don't mess with anyone, and I beg for nothing. A lot of people have a hard time with that because they find it hard to believe that one person can achieve so much in so little time. I've heard things like, "you don't seem to be very strong-willed" or "she's not strong enough." It pisses me off to hear these things. I know the strength that lives within me, but it amazes me the kind of attention that comes up when you try to do the right thing and mind your own business. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were to do something "naughty." It would almost be funny if I were to get some type of credibility for wrong doing.

Clearly, being a good person has many, many benefits, but it's funny to go through the motions. I will be the person on top when it's all said and done in this eartly realm of things, however. I try not to dwell on the things that make me sad, but those are some of the things that make me go hmmmmm. Until the next time...