Chapter 20: Church People...

I have the hardest time dealing with church people. It is so ironic that I identify as a "church girl," but I don't feel that I am of the same intellect or the same mindframe as the common church person. Today in Singles' Ministry I decided to go to the meeting for the first time after the retreat in June. This was my first time going as I had classes on the days that the meetings were held. Today I realized again why I tend to do things in the church alone. I know that fellowship is important, but I also realize that you have to be around the right people in order for that to come to pass. I mentioned in the meeting that as a single person I am struggling with being able to see the big picture in this race that we call life. I understand that the people there were trying to be helpful and encouraging, but it felt like it was an attack. I'm not sure if I felt this way because I typically don't contribute to conversations in open forum like that or whether I felt alone as a young person in the room with older persons...I don't know. I left feeling as a part of the group so to speak, but I also felt as though I have to question whether I would make this a part of my monthly routine to attend the meetings. I realize that part of my problem is that while I believe that my relationship with my heavenly father is good, I know that I have a problem with people who tend to believe that they are "holier than thou" or that they are so spiritually in tack that they are above you. I am working on it, but when I feel like I am being attacked I tend to move away and ultimately want to be alone. It has been difficult to look for churches for the past year, not because I am a heathen or anything, but I am looking for a place in which I can hear the Word and learn from it and apply it to my life as well as a church that I can fellowship with like-minded and well-minded people. So far I have been able to find one and not the other; finding both is difficult. I have heard something that is telling me about one church, but sometimes I wonder whether I heard myself or whether I heard the Lord. It has been a constant prayer of mine for a while. If you are reading this please pray for me as you pray for yourself. I am secure in my own relationship with my heavenly father, but I would like to be in a place that I feel that I will not be among "church people" as I define them--the often overly critical and/or hypocritical people.

Chapter 19: My Epiphany

Today, I realize that it wasn't me. When I say that, I mean that while I acknowledge my wrong doings or my part in many situations, I understand now that being single or hurt that I felt in the past was not a result of something I did. I've always believed in cause and effect and because of that I always thought that the way some people may treat you can be a result of something you did. Not always..but some of the time. An example would be getting in trouble as a child. Your mother may yell at you because of something that you did. Cause and effect. As an adult I carried that along with me. I'm not ignorant to the fact that some people have "issues" and do things without warrant, but I used to think that when someone would deliberately do something to be rude or hurt your feelings logically I thought it was something that I inadevertantly did. Just as it was when I was younger. Today I noticed that in looking back a lot of things were simply out of my control and not my fault. It wasn't because I couldn't do it right or because something was wrong with me...it was the other person. I try to own things,but in some cases I have to own up to the fact that not everything is my fault or that I did something to be treated in a certain way. I'm not perfect, but I know that I didn't do anything to receive some of the unfair treatment that I did.

I digress...another thing that I don't like is that there are people that I have come in contact with that will say stupid things like, well you're not in the right places or you're not giving a man enough to look at or you're not letting him know that you are interested or the all time stupid one is...you're just too picky. For a long time I thought that it was my fault that I was single because that's all I heard and in turn I've been single for 5 going on 6 years. (If you look at relationships in which you use the word "boyfriend") So logically, I felt that I did something wrong. Nowadays I tend to think that people say things like that because they simply don't know what to say to me. They are seeking for answers but because they may not know what to say or how to approach me it comes out wrong. I am learning to be easy on myself and to think about the good and right things that I have done with my life. I haven't always done everything right, but I know that I could've done worse. I look at some of the places I've been or people I have been with and I know that the hand of God has been on my life not because I was so good, but because he genuinely loves me. ....but I digress...

As a single person I think about the fact that as my mother puts it, I think that it's my fault all of the time. I only think that way because I know that I am the only person that I can change. So when people ask me why am I single, I am kinda at a loss for words because sometimes I don't know why either. I have resolved to the notion that the men that I have been involved with or the men that I have met simply do not know what to do with me. I'm like a new item that is beautifully packaged and worth a whole lot, but because I don't look or operate like the others, I am often discarded. This applies to women also. I don't have many friends and sometimes I wonder why...other times I don't think so much about it. My father once told me that "women often have a problem with you B because you see something that you want and you go after it. There are not many people who can do that in this life. " I now believe him. So while I sit alone and wonder why about some things, I am encouraged and greatful to be the person that I am. I think I'm having a Forrest Gump moment because I know that no one can see the greatness in you until you do yourself. He saw greatness in himself even when no one else did. Even when his friends left him or forsaked him or when they simply didn't have time for him because they were going through their own issues. I'm glad to know that I have two best friends, me and my GOD. Some people can say that thier children or thier dogs, or maybe even thier husbands or wives or thier best friends, I have neither, but on a good note, I have the two best friends in the world. Standing alone at the shore isn't so bad when you know that their is a big sea with endless possibilities and a God who can steer your ship to the right places at the right times. My mother says that God sees the whole picture and she's right. Everyone and everything happens for a reason and the reason that I don't know why and how these things happen is exactly why I'm not God. Good women can stand alone and that's exactly what I do.

Chapter 18: It Couldn't Have Been Me...or Could It?

Today I listened to my 2 favorite radio shows and I listened to the commentary about Juanita Bynum and her husband's public domestic dispute in Georgia. What I find interesting about all of this is the fact that because she and her husband we both ministers...well known ministers, many people have been on a consistent rampage about this. The sad part is that there are women who are abused daily whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, why are they so different other than the fame. They are no different from everyone else because they are just as we are--people and not GOD. It is very sad because regardless of what the situation was, it is not right for her husband to beat her, choke her, and stump her, especially in public. When I think about some of the things that I hear, I often hear about women saying that "It couldn't be me because I would have..." and "women who live like this want to be there because they don't get out of the relationship." My problem with this is the fact that anything can happen to anyone for any reason at any time. I don't care how strong you think you are even some of the strongest women get caught up; not because they want to, but because they can't pull themselves out. That doesn't make you less than a women or anything. Yes, there are signs and when you learn how to figure them out and see them, things make better sense, but we shouldn't down other women for the things that they may go through. It's kinda like being on drugs, you may know that it's bad, but there is something there that still feels good. It may even be that the person is waiting for someone else, but there is no one else and they can feel a sense of defeat. When you feel like that--or maybe even feel depressed it takes you to a whole 'nother level of a low. That is another reason women may not leave. In a lot of situations, it is simply because it's not that easy to get away from either.

I hate hypocrites. In a conversation that I had with a group of women and young ladies we talked about getting caught up and how men operate. By now I can say that I got the game and that hindsight is 20/20, but I can't forget about the woman that I used to be. I hate when women bash other women for doing some of the same things that they once did. That's like formally being a whore and then bashing other whores because now you've grown up. You have to remember the frame of mind that you used to have and think about ways you can help somebody else who may still be in that mindset. Don't throw stones at her because you think that you've been saved and you are above her now. That, to me, is a sign of immaturity. I think that haters and hypocrites are too full of themselves.

I have been in abusive relationships before and I have been able to escape, but a good example for me would be the fact that one of the men that was abusive had all of the other characteristics that I liked and her reminded me of my father. For that reason, I saw past his occasional slick comments and I focused on the positive. The "moment of truth" came when he cursed me out and he told me that he wasn't doing this for his health. He was coming to see me and that he needed for me to make out to see him. Not to mention the open bottle of beer that I saw in his truck one evening. And that's just one of the instances with one of the men. So I say that to say that you can have a lot of criticism from other people, but until it's them, they have little room to criticize. To the other women in the world who listen to thier girlfriends talk about the men in thier lives who may be abusive please don't encourage your girl to look at the positive things in him and don't listen to her when she's hurting and say that you've had worse. There is nothing worse than hearing a friend tell you that they have had worse and you are hurting and simply need someone to listen and possibly help you. Emotional pain is like a bleeding cut, it needs attention too. I am not advocating domestic violence, neither am I saying that anyone should stay in situations like that, but I am saying that people do what people do and no one is exempt from anything regardless of how strong you are or who you are. All in all, abuse on all levels is wrong, but as people we need to be willing to help each other deal with our own lives and bring each other up and not to knock each other back down. It sounds so clichesh, but we need to listen and help heal each other. People shouldn't be hitting each other or verbally or emotionally abusing people like that. I know that it sounds fairy tale like, but it can happen.

Chapter 17: The True Definition of a Woman...?

I went back to work as a teacher three days ago. This year I am more confident in my craft as a teacher and I can honestly say that I am truly gifted at what I do. I believe that being an educator is part of my calling from God. I am also a school counseling intern at the school that I work at. What I found intersting, and I have always felt this way, is that I primarily have the most problems with the adults that I work with--not the high school students. I am 25 years old and I have been teaching for 4 years now. I have always been the "young one" so to speak. My problem, especially working in a new department is that I feel dupped and underminded already. I get the impression from my co-workers that they think that I am afraid of everything and that I am inexperienced in life, primarily because I am quiet, I smile often, and I am soft-spoken. What I find funny is that being quiet and soft-spoken is part of my personality. I am quite a force when it comes to working in my own classroom. The children know what the deal is and it is extremely funny to me when doubters come into my room and see order and the children are afraid to get up to do things because they know how I act. It is very true when it was said that you should never judge a book by its cover or a gift by its wrapping because you never know when you are entertaining angels.

It is amazing to me when women say that this person or that person is weak. I have been called weak before or the question is "I don't see how you did that because I would have...." or "You stupid for that because I would have..." I don't think that that is a sign of weakness at all. The bible says to watch your words, treat others like you want to be treated and to be quick to forgive and slow to anger, right? So why is it that when an individual does this we as people look at it as a sign of weakness? Why do people confess that they love Jesus but refuse to live like him? Jesus as a man loved even the dumbest and most unlikely people and he endured unfair treatment because he knew who held his hand. It is not always pleasant or the best idea to endure unjust treatment, but I believe that God is pleased when you do what you have to do without having to be rude or cause a rucus. It is kinda like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X. Of the two which do we commemorate or celebrate the most...Dr. King. He was the more non-violent one right? That is hillarious for people to believe that the strongest women are those who make the most noise and have to fight every battle toe to toe. These people are often called the "high maintenance" women.

I had an epiphany while was riding home from class tonight. I recognized why women can often come off as "high maintenance" or quick to anger. Often we are trying to uphold a front or the whole attitude that you're not going to run over me or you are not going to get the last laugh because we want the world to know that we are strong. I tend to believe that it is quite different. Strength is not something that you have to go out and broadcast--it just is. No one ever questions buildings and bridges on a daily basis to see if they are strong enough---they just simply do thier jobs. They stand still and they ultimately let God do what he does best. In my opinion, people should be the same way. We shouldn't walk around boasting about how strong we are--we should just do it. That is what I think a true woman is, one who uniquely stands on her own without definition, but with assurance and tenacity. If only the strong survive, she should be the last one standing! That is me. When everyone else would have or has long quit, I have held on no matter what happens or has happened. That is what a conqueror, a survivor, and a real woman does. Truthfully, I think that it's a cop out when we have to be vocal about whether we think someone else is strong enough or "real" enough. Sometimes we do things like this because we don't want the attention on ourselves--so we talk about others before other people can get a chance to talk about us.

I carry myself well and I have had to fight many battles that I have never uttered to other people. I enjoy the fact that because I am not vocal about those things that have tried to bring me down in my life, other people tend to believe that I am not strong enough or in the words of one of my bosses..."not ready." (Of course, I proved to him that I was indeed ready as I quietly got another job and had my recruiter to call him to say "I have B and we are taking her away. She starts with me on Monday." ) So I say all of this to say that it's cool. Today I had a good day as a teacher, but as an intern I wanted to scream and cry because I felt like I was being underminded and asked to do things that I was never taught and because I didn't know it was almost as though I was looked upon as being weak. I am truly the definition of a fighter and a real woman. Not because of what I demand, but because of how I live. I try to live Christian-like, eventhough it gets hard sometimes. Some people seem like they are trying to make me miss heaven, but it's all good. I just need to get over this hurdle so that I can move on. At this point, after 4 years, I am ready for a new school. But, I have to say, as I tend to say often instead of "going along, to get along," I have to "get along, to go along" so that I can continue to aim higher.

Above all, I have remembered not only the fact that I love helping children, but the other reason why I like teaching. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be famous and because I am a quite person, I wanted to have a chance for everyone to one day to just listen to me. Teaching is my platform to harbor my closet acting career! For the first time in my life when I became a teacher I had a chance to speak and people would willfully listen. I had become an actress! All in all, I'm glad that I became a teacher prior to becoming a counselor because I understand how the system and the business of a school works and I know how to interact with teachers, parents, and students. It has made me a better person...but I digress. There's more to come...

Chapter 16: Turning Off the Radio...

I'm a mess right now. I have to admit that I feel down. Growing up in the south one of the many cliches' that I heard was "she don't play the radio." All this means is that you don't play games. Right now, I honestly feel like that. Today I went back to my teaching job to get things set up for the first day of school and to attend a meeting with the school counseling department. I am interning in that department and I am teaching two classes of reading and English this semester. I have been going through this with my current job for several years now about how I was going to work out my intership and work at the same time. This year was different, however I felt more optimistic and I felt faithful in what was going on and that everything would be fine. And despite what I am feeling, I am still confident and faithful, but I got to be honest with myself in saying that it doesn't feel good. So I went ahead and I went to work today to meet with the other counselors. One of the counselors was due to go on maternity leave in September, but God stepped in and she had the baby a few days ago. All this time, I was thinking that the counseling department would let me fill in for her as she would only be gone for 6 weeks, and as a result, I could get paid as a "permanent sub" and make money as a full time employee instead of a part time employee. As you can probably guess, that didn't happen.

Last year there was a similar incident and my co-worker had to leave due to medical concerns. I applied for that position as well being that I work with her population of students and she and I both thought that it would be good experience. I felt as though the adminstration underminded me as I was called in for an interview without any notice and I was given 10 minutes to get to the office for the interview. I was really hurt and not to mention unprepared, but I put my best foot forward. I didn't get the position and the administration felt the need to explain themselves to me by saying that they wanted to get someone who was already "paper ready" or had thier degree already. In that I understood, but the way that they did it was rude and wrong.

So as I was looking through my mail before the meeting started today, I looked up and I saw, her...the lady who took the position last year. I had grown to be respectful and not resentful to her during the last part of last school year because she didn't know, but today it didn't take long for me to see what was going on. So just to keep me from jumping to conclusions, I glanced over at the bags that were prepared for the other counselors and I saw my name and her name on the same bag. The administration had done it again. Instead of allowing me to fill in, they called her at the last minute to come to work. I truly understand why they did this, but it just isn't cool when you are trying to pay the bills. I bought my home last year on a tight budget. I need at least $2,000 to pay my bills each month. My salary for this semester is half of that. While I know that the Lord will pull me through this one. I stand still, sorta hurt, and more less, confused. For awhile as I was sitting in a meeting with these people, I almost wished that someone would have slapped me in the face instead of underminding me again. At least I could physically feel the pain because the internal and emotional pain stings a little more. But I have to look at it as purposeful and know that things like this build character somehow. Still, I am a little sad, yet I understand. No matter what, my God is faithful.

I have sent off for information regarding home equity loans and personal loans because I have exhausted all of my options concerning student loans. To date, I am in debt nearly $30,000 in student loans. The maximum amount that I receive will cover my tuition and after the tuition is paid, I will be left with only $500. Ain't that 'bout a 'it. I have been working on this degree for nearly 4 years. I have been working on my certification as an English teacher and getting reading endorsement so that I could at least keep my teaching job in the state of Florida, therefore it is taking me a little longer than most people. Initially, I was set to graduate in December because I thought that my school would have my back somehow, by allowing me to intern full time and receive pay, but today, it has become a little clearer that I won't graduate in Decemeber, in fact , I will be graduating in May 2008. This truly breaks my heart. Rationally, I understand, but again, I'm just really hurt.

When I spoke to some of my "friends" who were counselors also, they told me that the likelihood of me becoming a counselor before I completed my degree program was slim, but I know that it could happen because the young lady who went on maternity leave got her job 1 month after she was working her job as an unpaid intern at my school. I was hurt simply because they had her back and didn't have mine, especially considering the fact that I've been working there for 3 years. My "friend" offered me a job working for her tutoring center, but that fell through as she hired someone else and she couldn't afford to hire me because her job situation didn't come through. She offered me a job as a teacher the other day, but I don't know whether to believe her. Her comment was can you just work part-time at your school. Right now, I have no other choice. I need almost $1,000 more each month to pay all of my bills. I thought about getting another part-time job, but I'm not so sure if that's feasible, teaching, going to school, and working a side job. Working full time and going to school was more than enough all of this time. While getting a home was no one's fault, but my own, I know that I prayed dilligently for it and I received it. I know that God wouldn't pull me out this far to leave me alone.

So today, I say that I'm turning off the radio. It was already on the lowest volume possible because I'm quite frankly tired of stupid people. The radio goes off because in the times when I was kind and friendly, those were the times when I got hurt the most. Truthfully, I don't have time to play. I know that the bible says be ye not weary of well doing, becase in due season you will reap what you sew, but truthfully I don't want to be concerned with too many people this school year. At my job especially. I'm not rude, neither am I bitter, but in order to protect my heart I need to keep my distance. It is simply not like me to be rude and standoffish, but it is what it is. Whatever God wants is cool with me, but I simply need direction and a hug would be nice. This is just how I feel.

Chapter 15: It's All Relative

Hurt is relative just like one's opinion is relative to one's experiences or life view. I laid awake for a long time last night and I began to think about a lot of things in my life. I've learned to monitor what I say and to whom I say it to for a lot of reasons. I've been in survival mode for years now and it is one of the ways in which I've been able to make it each day. I'm mature enough in my own consciousness to know that there are indeed people who are going through extremely adverse situations, but sometimes it has been hard for me to understand some people's ways and be objective and considerate when I sometimes end up being the person who feels some of thier pain and rath.

I was watching Forrest Gump the other day and I got really sad. I started to cry when I saw the part of the movie when Jenny comes back home before she gets pregnant and she says to Forrest, "I'm sorry for anything that I've done to you. I was really messed up then." It is amazing to me that some people can apologize for thier behavior way after the event of the pain. A friend of mine apologized to me several years later for the pain that he caused me. He blamed the behavior on the notion that he was going through a lot during that time in his life as a result, he indicated that he didn't intentionally do anything to hurt me. Being me, I forgave him, but it didn't change the way that I felt in my heart over the years. I knew that he was going through a tough time, (which is part of the reason that I dealt with him because I knew that if it were me, I would have needed a friend) but it didn't excuse the emotional abuse that I felt. Today, however I felt a different emotion.

I have never been the type of person to have many close friends. I know so many people and I have pretty good relationships with each of them, but very few I consider to be among my circle of close friends. Today, however I was curious and I looked up a young lady that I knew from when I was younger in the department of corrections database. I was told that she had been locked up for something that I considered to be silly, but I wasn't sure if I believed it. When I found her, I just stared at the screen for awhile. I didn't know what to think. At that moment, prison and jail time seemed more real to me than ever. A lot of my family members have been locked up, but for some reason, this one hit more closely to home---maybe because she was female--I don't know--or maybe it was because my parents trusted me in her care? It took me to another place as I better understand that people sometimes are in another world in thier own minds and they don't neccesarily have time to worry about you, your feelings, and how they treat you in the process.

A friend of mine told me that the reason that he smoked weed was because it was the only way that he could deal with some of the things that he feels. I had to get smart and say that I thought that that was a cop out, but he responded by saying that if I had dealt with some of the things that he did when we were growing up, I would be smoking too. Eventhough I think that "life ain't been no crystal stair" for me either and I don't see a need to smoke or drink excessively, I in some strange way understand where he is coming from. When I saw my friend's record, I thought about her sister and her behavior. When I really thought about it, I know why (in some ways) her sister acts the way that she does. In essence, it is all relative. Hurt affects everyone and it is really clear that we all behave and react to things differently. What made me sad is the fact that there are so many things that one can not know about the people in their lives. I sincerely had no clue.

The reason that I cried when I saw Forrest Gump that day was not because I was emotional, but because I actually saw parts of myself in Forrest. For just one small moment in time I had become him. Eventhough Jenny had been so hurtful to him at times, he sincerely loved her regardless of the behavior or the circumstances. He didn't do anything to deserve it from her and I'm not so sure that he questioned whether it was his fault at any time, but so strangely and innocently, none of that mattered. She had no idea of how she was acting at times because he simply said nothing. She was always the apple of his eye no matter what and that' s how I have been in some cases. The aforementioned friend was a person in whom I believed I loved and for years, I felt hurt, but I still loved him. In my heart I knew that he didn't mean it. One day proved that to me, but somehow it still didn't make sense. He came to visit me for the first time in months and he looked at my degree and said "how do you pronounce your middle name?" When he said that it took me to a whole 'nother place as we had been "dating" off and on for at least 2 or 3 years. He sincerely acted like he didn't know my name. Not to mention the fact that he forgets my birthday every year even though it is the day after his sister's birthday. (I do need to add that he often remembers the day or so after.) At that time I realized that (and I hope that) he didn't intentionally do that. He had just never made it a point to concern himself with those things. He was too busy fighting himself to worry about me. In this situation, not that I was a perfect angel or anything, but I was innocent there because I didn't do anything to deserve that from him. Now I'm on another level and I realize that it's not right, but it's okay. I can learn from him. This in part, is my theory of relativity. Everyone has issues...I have enough to subscribe to. As I think about the guy from the last chapter, I realize that people are creatures of habit, environment, and experience. He simply didn't and doesn't know what to do with me. I was amazed to hear him say that one day. I knew this for some time now, but I am not that arrogant. For years, I felt like everything was always my fault; afterall, usually when people do things to you it can be partly because you brought it upon yourself or your own behavior caused them to react that way. Coming from where we're from a woman like me is not in vogue and being raised in his family, I didn't fit the bill. I am greatful that God has watched over me all of the days of my life, because I loved him blindly. He only being who he is...and with all due respect he is a good man, a hard worker, a good listener, funny, kind, and very insightful. I really appreciate that part of his character, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that he is (and so am I) still young and he is behaving based on things that he has seen in his life, his habits, his nature, and his experience. Inside of me I feel sad, bad, and confused about our relationship and the status of it at this point, but I can say that I do understand it better today than I did on yesterday.

While this applies to others, it also applies to me as I feel that I am misunderstood to a degree. I simply want people to know that I have had my share of struggles too. It may not be the same struggles as those I have witnessed, but I do have them and I deal with them very dfferently. My brother likes to tell me that "B, you have seen a lot more than you give yourself credit for. We grew up with the trap at the end of the road and we grew up around a lot of drugs and alcohol." I took that with me when I began working in the counseling clinic because I felt that somehow I wouldn't have enough "pain and struggle" credibility as a counselor because I look innocent and I am extremely calm in most situations. Again I say that my theory of relativity is the fact that we all hurt, some greater than others, but it is definitely real...no matter how great or small. The problem is that we need to be conscious of the world around us even when we are under pressure and pain. In other words, we need to be careful not to hurt those around us and we should be careful in how we respond to others when we are the ones being hurt. Does that make sense?

Chapter 14: Breaking a Bad Habit

One thing that I know for sure is that I really enjoy writing. It is one of the many things that I truly do well. I may not always do everything right and I may not know how to articulate many of my feelings to other people, but writing makes me happy and I know that it sounds cliche', but I feel free to do and say anything when I'm writing. I have always admired print journalist and other writers because their opinions are anonymous. Here, my thoughts are anonymous to most as well. This is one of the ways in which I get some things out of my system. I am having a hard time letting some people go. It is not because I don't know any better or anything, it's just that I'm not the type of person that easily and readily gets rid of people. I believe that no matter what happens or what a person does, there is always room for improvement and you can always forgive. I may not always forget, but I think that it's possible and almost necessary to forgive. But when I look at things, I think about the Kelly Rowland song, "Bad Habit." I have to do this so that I can get what I'm feeling out of my system...so here it is.

"How many times are you gonna apologize for the same thing and how many times can I take you back when I'm not the one that's doing wrong?

I thought that maybe if I started praying then we would get better, but when I would pray the answer would always come back to me being done, but we are so hard headed when we're in love.

I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems tha you really have a hold on me and every time that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now I gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.

I'm totally out of my element, learning new ways to live, while you're in a comfort zone and not even thinking. So call and when you get mad you buy me gifts. Thinking it's gonna solve every issue. From the girl calling my phone, to the pictures that I saw, and everytime you would break up with me for nothing at all. I've taken all I can take, but the way you live has gotta change.

I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same, I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we breakup we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more.

Have you ever loved somebody, so much that you were just too blind to see past all of the pain that they was causing you? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you went against the right thing that you should do? Then it's time to make a change.

I told myself that I would make some changes, but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same. I can't seem to shake ya. It seems you really have a hold on me and everytime that we break up we turn around and make up. This can't go on now. I've gotta move on now. It's not the fact that I don't love you no more, but I gotta break this bad habit. I can't take this bad habit no more."

What's funny is that I know that God will give you the desires of your heart if you ask in his name. The problem is that some of the crazy things in life can be removed if we only ask. I've heard people say that it will happen when you are ready for it to happen. It's sad, but I'm not so sure that I'm ready to let this person go. I'm not the type or person who readily or easily gets rid of people even though the person hurt me. In some twisted way, I think that I believe that one day this person will come back to me in a new frame of mind and we can pick up where we were, but I know that that is a false sense of hope. It's kinda like the Lauryn Hill song, "When it Hurts so Bad"...why does it feel so good? I'm not insecure, but somewhere in my heart it is hard to let this one go....for the last time. It's crazy when you try to get your mind and your heart on one accord and they don't always want to agree. What can I say, I'm a work in progress...

Chapter 13: Learning from the Young World

When I think about my clients that I worked with this summer, I know that there were so many things in them that I saw in myself. One example is my client who couldn't articulate what he was feeling in depth, but he knew that he was sad. I think about myself and I realize that I do the same thing. I think that for me it is a learned behavior because I can remember growing up and when I felt that someone hurt me, I knew that I didn't need to say much because my father would immediately try to make it better for me. I love him dearly for that, but I didn't want trouble so I taught myself not to say much about some things. Even when my heart was broken, I didn't want anyone else to know that I was hurting because I didn't know what they would or could do, if there was anything to be done. I sat in the adolescent playroom with my client that day and I wanted to cry. I couldn't stay there so I decided to talk to my supervisor about what I was feeling and then I had to rush back into the room. When I realized that's what it was, I knew that in that moment I was no different from him and that his inability to articulate himself was almost like a type of control mechanism. It is interesting when we look in the figurative mirror at ourselves in other people.

Another thing that I noticed in my other clients is the notion that when I feel backed up in a corner, I stumble over what I intend to say or I stray from responding. My ADHD client, when he felt too much pressure he would change the subject, go play with one of the toys, or he would simply lie. I don't consider myself to be a bonifide liar, but I know that I tend not to tell all that I intend to say about a given subject out of fear or sometime I simply don't want to go there. It wasn't funny when I was working with that client, but it is funny now. I also noticed in my female clients that they felt that if they were to disclose too much information, they felt that they may be judged or watched too closely. What is funny is the notion that I feel the same way. I try not to tell my business to too many people in depth because I feel that I may be unnecessarily misjudged. In essence, I learned and I am still learning from young people that there are some things that we all struggle with and no matter how grown we think that we get or have gotten, they are traits and situations in us that we are consistently trying to correct.