Chapter 44: The Economic Crunch...

It is true that economy is in shambles and much of it has to do with the powers that be and/or real estate personnel's greed to have more. I guess as a whole, it is everyone's need for more. I take offense, however when I watch the news and report after report blames the consumer. Yes, it is true that many people bought homes without collateral or in the words of one report, "these people may never have the money to pay off the loans they have." The thing that I take offense to is that because the price of homes was inflated at the time of purchase for most people during the last 2 years, in order to make a down payment on a home, many people would've had to come up with at least $10,000 or more for a down payment. Arguably so, most people would not be able to ever own homes if there was a need for that much money for a down payment. This makes me sad because I think that it is natural to want better things for your family and in that spirit, most people want the American Dream. Why should the consumer be scolded and put down because many people were simply trying to make a better life and fell victim to poor practices in real estate. Maybe if this were not such a wide spread practice, it may not be such a big, bad problem here is the United States. I just feel weird as a homeowner because I bought a home so that I can leave a legacy for my children and help build a foundation for myself and my husband. Now my home is worth so much less than I bought it. It is incredibly sad when I think about the funds that I lost in this endevour. I am sad when I watch the news and hear those hurtful words from reporters. It is almost as if in some hidden way that homeownership or anything of that nature is solely for the haves and not necessarily for the have nots. Each day that I watch this presidential campaign, I get annoyed at the fact that John McCain reminds me of the fact that in many ways the America that we have always known has been largely in favor of the haves and those who married into a family of the haves, so to speak. It is almost interesting that one can venture to say that it is in many ways racist, classist, and mildly sexist in this very fashion because it is very difficult for one to "come up" in America under regular circumstances. Whether it is due to mandatory minimum jail sentences, predatory lending practices, insufficient healthcare, unemployment, or simply being black/minority, and even gay, lesbian, or transgendered, many "ordinary" Americans are having a very difficult time surviving this economy. It makes me sad that there weren't laws in place to prosecute these people who willfully hoodwinked people. There would have been a law to lock up Ray-Ray for drug possession, Ronald "Mr. Biggs" Isley for tax evasion, and Martha Stewart for taking bribes and bailing out of the stock market--why not business heads who messed with the lives of others so that they, themselves, could enjoy $150,000 salaries and lavish benefits. I believe that the American dream is turing into something much like an American nightmare. I am embarassed by our governments behavior and their priorities. I understand that this is a huge and arduous undertaking, but I also have watched as they have neglected those of us who are here at home. International diplomacy has become more important than education and healthcare here in America! This is senseless.

As an English teacher and simply an educated woman, I watch how many of my students come to me with the minimum and their parents accept the minimum from them. It has become increasingly sad and not to mention exhausting as the years go by. As an educated woman, I see how it is definately well merited that a student from a low socio-economic background can go to college virtually for free, but a person with minimal standardized test scores whose parents have earned a college education may end up paying thousands of dollars on student loans. It's almost that it is "punishment" for not being "impovished." I totally understand this however. I just simply think that it is very interesting. In the end of all of this, I sincerely hope that the market recovers itself and that we finally see an America that works for the "little people." Those of us who don't come from money or work hard for each and everything that we own, should be able to have a piece of the American pie without being questioned or manipulated. I just find this whole thing disturbing, yet interesting.

Chapter 43: "I am Superwoman"

I just felt like uploading this video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK8t0gP4isE.
It's Alicia Keys "Superwoman." I've been feeling very discouraged, confused, and at many times at a loss for words lately. So I guess I say that to say that I have to encourage myself and with this, I felt encouraged. I'm tired of the "you can'ts" and "don'ts" and "I wouldn't if I were yous." I want to be free to do what I want without having to think about or respond to the opinions of other people. In essence, I am Superwoman because I can do the unthinkable and impossible with the help of my GOD. Through this ordeal that I am dealing with, I forgot about the fact that God can do the impossible and do more that I can even ask or think. There is truth in the fact that sometimes God gives us things and ideas and missions and callings that no one else hears or possibly understands. Who are you to negate or challenge or contaminate what is in my heart? Truthfully, I feel really caged right now. I want to in some sense be like the birds and be free and be trusted that I will do what's right. Is that too much to ask? I guess my problem at this moment is believing with my own heart and making me happy instead of everyone else all of the time. It makes me sad some days, but I know that it is something that will be and is a challenge for me. "I am Superwoman" because I can do this even when I am a mess and I can still make things happen in the fashion that I want and the one that is planned for me if I stand still and allow God to do his work in me and around me.

Chapter 42: Mad at It

I'm mad. I am having a hard time trying to understand why is it when you are really happy with something yourself, others are never really happy. My co-worker or in her words, "my mother" took it upon herself to call me to yell at me about how I shouldn't leave the area in Florida that I live in and how she doesn't like my boyfriend. This comes after I told her that my boyfriend is moving away to North Carolina and I may consider going later. Mind you, she was very excited that I met him and when she met him, she indicated how she liked him so. Now all of a sudden she calls me to say that she's been worried about me and that she doesn't like him and that he's not intelligent. Mind you she has always talked about how she thinks I need to find a man and stop being so picky. The ones that I did meet that were abusive, somehow, she liked them. My thought is, was she lying all the time about liking this one? I'm not sure if I am angry because she said something about my boyfriend or whether I'm angry about the way that she did it. She called me back to back today as if I was obligated to answer the phone. I think that I am frustrated about the notion that I am indeed an adult and I can make some decisions about what I want to do with my life. I'm not running away or doing anything that is damaging to my character. I simply don't understand. I am at a place right now in my heart where I feel like I'm just tired of being here. I know that I will not live in this area forever, I just want others to understand that. Why can't I just move and do what I want? I truly don't get it. Hypethetically, maybe they want me to stay single so that they can continue to gripe and have something to say. Maybe it is still not my turn. I don't know, but it makes me really angry. I have tried to tell people about how unhappy I have been here and some of the truth about the people that I have been around. No one seems to really want to believe me. It's almost like they think that I am being brainwashed. No---I'm just thinking about my options. Even as the reader of this blog, you understand that I haven't been happy here either, I'm sure. It really annoys me that I see others my age doing big things away from this area and I am ready too. Is that too much to ask.
I think that I am angry at the fact that I'm just so tired of everyone taking away from my life. Calling me only when they have to tell me how and why they can't do for me or to ask me to do something or to gripe about things. It has become really draining. I don't believe that I have much more to give. It's kinda like when I had a bad day once, I went to the beach to think and I stayed there for awhile and when it was time to go home I didn't want to be alone, but when I thought about where I could go near my house, I had nowhere to go. So I went back home to my parent's house. I knew that when I went back to the area that I lived, no one would truly take the time to listen and if they did, it wouldn't be long before the incident became more about them than about me. I have learned that folks can be so consumed with themselves that they forget to help another person. I found that others are willing to help me when there are no other alternatives, but when I simply need a friend to be non-judgemental or to go out with, the people around me have other objectives and usually, they are very self-centered.
What is interesting is that I decided to go to her house after my mom and dad mentioned that I shouldn't write her off and that I may need her one day. True enough and I felt the need to see what was really going on. She called me repeatedly and I was really confused as to why she was doing all of this. So I get there and she explains to me that she had a nightmare about me and she saw me with a man that didn't look like my boyfriend and somewhere in the distance I was with my current boyfriend. She saw that I didn't like the 1st man but I was really happy with the 2nd. So then she went on and on with why I shouldn't leave the area and how she doesn't like him all of a sudden. I mentioned to her that I am leveled-headed and that I am conscious of my decisions. I'm not going anywhere right now. It seemed that she understood me when I came by, but for some reason, she called me frantic at 10:30 last night saying that she was concerned and in my mind, I was truly confused. My response was, "Ms. ____I was in the shower. I'm okay. Good night." That made me angry because I'm confused about of the frantic behavior. I am careful and I hate being aggrevated. I know that she was whining in part because she felt bad about telling me that she was going to be home and when I showed up, she wasn't. She got mad because I didn't come back by to visit that week so because she felt bad, she had to put the hurt and energy back on me.

This situation reminds me of how I felt when I was in undergrad living with my auntie. I lived with her for 2 1/2 years and at about the 2 year mark she and I began to avoid each other because I could see through some of the things that she was doing and I grew really tired of cleaning all day to no avail. I didn't really have friends in the area and I was afraid to invite people over because I wasn't sure what the house was going to look like or who would be there when I returned home each day. I remember telling my mom that I wanted to leave and no one really understood why I wanted to leave. I was free to do what I wanted. I didn't have to pay any bills and my auntie was never home. It seemed to be "perfect." I didn't really complain about it until I moved. When I explained what I was really feeling to my mom, she understood. Her thought was, "Why did we ever think that that was okay?" That is exactly what I feel now.

Another situation that I am reminded of is when my cousin was getting ready to go to college, she wanted to go to Bethune-Cookman University to be a nurse. She was accepted and she had a few months to get her things together. My older cousin from the area where the university is met with my uncle and said that he had had a dream about my female cousin and that she shouldn't need to go to Cookman because he went there and was not successful and that there was a lot of sex that goes on there and that she would be pregnant soon and wouldn't finish school because of it. To my older cousin, in his mind, he saw it happen to so many other people and felt that it was sure to happen to my female cousin. What's insane is that my uncle believed him and refused to let her go to Cookman. She decided to stay home instead and go to the community college in her hometown. In the end, she went to school at home, but dropped out and got pregnant and got into a near fatal car accident. I haven't seen her in years. I say that to say that sometimes people think that they know what's best for you and in truth, they really don't. Sometimes, in your heart, you know what's right.

I am not saying that I won't listen or be cautious, but seriously, I just want to be left alone for now. Does that make sense?

Chapter 41: An Unrecognized Feeling

In reading over the chapters I've written within the last year and a half, I realize that I've been sad for a lot of reasons. Many of which I could not control and some that I was not fully aware of. I guess this sadness has been going on for more than a year and a half, possibly since I arrived in this area. It is interesting, however that in all of this, I've been able to brutally honest and it is in this sincerity and honesty that I've found solice and I have learned to understand my emotions. The one that I'm having difficulty understanding, however is love.

I finally have met someone who I sincerely like and I he really and truly makes me happier than I've ever been with a man. I guess I have trouble understanding what I feel because I've never felt like this before. He's honest, sweet, good looking, funny, intelligent, and he is on my level and speed. He is what I've written about repeatedly and for whom I have prayed. I haven't noticed any signs of him being a cheater, or liar, or even that he has a double life. This man really has shown me love that is so sincere that in many ways, it almost scares me. If I were asked if I fell in love with him, my response is that I am standing at the gate pondering whether I should open the door for love. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. To put it more simply, I am scared--scared of being hurt and scared that I may accidentally hurt him. that wouldn't be right because he is such an awesome person. I'm almost there, but I'm really glad that he is so patient with me to help me heal. He doesn't get angry at my little idosyncrities and he likes me even with my imperfections. It is unreal! :) I'm sure that he is the truth and I thank God for him. The crazy part is that you can find what you are looking for and be so scarred and subconsciously have a reservation because either you don't believe it can happen to you or past dealings with people can make you suspicious of everyone. After finding out recently that one of my ex's had been sleeping with 2 other women while he was dating me and having the other woman call me, I officially wanted to write off everyone. Even before that, I didn't really trust or believe in many other people, to be brutally honest. I'm just glad that I have an opportunity to be with this man. It is almost like the song, "The Truth," "if he ever left me, I wouldn't even be sad because there's a blessing in every lesson and I'm glad that I know him at all." The truth is that I would be enormously hurt if he left me, but I'm thankful for this time and thankful for him.
Eventhough this feeling is unrecognizeable, I'm enjoying myself and I am living in the moment.

From this moment on, I am going to change much of the subject matter of the notebook. It is about to have a new name---The Notebook: A Collection of Letters to and for the Soul. It will continue to be a collection of chapters about things that make me go hmmm....and my growing pains, but it will also focus on social action issues and issues that are unique to the black community. It is almost like letters to a sister....some of the time it will be to other sisters and many times it will be to myself. As you read, please don't be judgemental, but understand that I have been bold enough to talk and write about things that many are afraid to say. I am not crazy, neither am I insecure, I am just human and I go through some of the same things that most women go through. I think that the worst thing that we can do is judge people based on thier life experiences--though it is human to do this, it is so not koshure. Get ready for something a little newer...

Chapter 40: So Tired....

Okay, so I just have to say it. I'm tired as hell! I find myself sleeping so much. I know it is because I have been working so hard and so much. My body is trying to catch up with itself and I sleep for hours at a time. It feels good, but it is that ridiculous sleep. I feel so sleepy even afterward. It does feel good, however to be able to clean my house and to do some things that I haven't had time to do in a while. :) Another thing that I am tired of as well, however is the fact that eventhough I work extremely hard, it's almost like it doesn't even matter. It's crazy. There is so much truth in the fact that you have to encourage yourself. It has become more and more clear to me that people can hate or not care simply for the fact that they just want to hate. It's not really personal all of the time. It's the person's way of controlling things that they may not have control over.

Chapter 39: GRADUATION!!!!!!! :)

I have spent the last year of my degree program blogging about my experiences...be them good or bad. I have really enjoyed this. I discovered that I really do love to write and that this is one of the things that has really been missing in my life. The Notebook has officically been my friend through some interesting situations. I am so proud to say that I am graduating!!! FINALLY! I will have my Master's of Education Degree. Wow. It seems crazier when I actually write it out. I will have letters after my name....M.Ed! I'm so thankful. I was thinking about when I first moved here. I moved to this area just to go to school. I knew very few people, didn't have a church or a doctor. Now, I am co-sponsor of an auxillary with my sorority, I actively attend church, I have a good hair dresser, I am a member of a book club, I work full time as a teacher, and this year, I successfully completed an internship as a middle school counselor while working two jobs, one of which is at a private college. I think that I am more proud of myself than anyone else. It feels good to do the exact opposite of what is expected of you. I have been told alot about what people thought of me or what I won't or can't do and I have been able to sustain a positive attitude in the midst of adversity quite well. I understand now when people say that when things get tougher, God is about to move. Lots of good things are happening for me now and I'm really excited. Commencement for me, means a little more than just graduating from my institution, it is the beginning of a new chapter, not only professionally, but personally. I seriously believe that alot of the stress and let downs that I felt previously aren't going to be in the forefront of my life. Yes, there will be new things, but I believe that my latter will be greater than my former. Friendships that I had difficulty letting go, I feel more confident in letting go now. It is true that when people show you who they are believe them. The politics of my job, I feel confident in letting much of that go now. I am peace with many things that I wasn't at peace with before. So I say all of that to say, that there are clearly some things that just don't matter anymore. Commencement is my personal step forward.

Chapter 37: Trying to do the right thing

In the midst of all the craziness that has happened this year, there have been a lot of good happenings for me lately. Today was my last day at my internship site. I can't describe the way that I felt. It was a normal day for the most part, I worked hard and got a lot accomplished. It was interesting that it strangely felt so much like any other day. I didn't sense a complete feeling of ending. Earlier this week, the secretarial staff, the counselors, and the administrators gave me a going away party. I was truly shocked!!!! I definately wasn't expecting that! I had a whole chocolate cake, white chocolate roses, and a gift with a card. Total surprise. After feeling unwanted, underqualified, ignored, and over-worked, it felt good to know that someone other than family thought highly of me and took the time out to do something nice for me without wanting something in return. These people looked out for me in ways that I couldn't have imagined! Thank God. Today on the last day, it was really interesting to see that when I was about to leave that everyone in the office came out to give me hugs and well wishes. Even the principal came out to give me a hug and send me well wishes! The principal. That is unheard of. It just felt really good. I am amazed at myself because I didn't cry after my last day of class or when I got my cap and gown, but for some reason, I cried when I left the internship site. I'm not sure if it is because of a feeling of relief after all of the stress or because I will genuinely miss the people there. I know that each day when I go to my teaching job, I don't feel the same way. The people there are strikingly different. Whatever the reason may be, I'm not sure of, but I'm soo grateful to have had this experience. I learned that I can really use some of the things that I learned in school. You can really be a counselor in a world where people don't really counsel. I'm so glad that I stepped out on faith and for this, I am glad that I did the right thing. I guess if I never felt so hurt and unappreciated from my co-workers at the high school, I wouldn't have tried to move on to another school. It's crazy, but thank God for the stress.

On another note, I'm trying to do the right thing in terms of my relationships with men. I met a young man that I happen to like very much...which is very new to me. I'm trying to take things slowly because I'm so worried about being hurt again or even possibly breaking someone else's heart. I don't want to do that. I don't think that it's fair, neither is it right. He is wonderful so far. He's genuinely sweet, very intelligent, passionate about what he loves, and he has a vision for his life. I really like that. He's also a lot like me. It is very weird. To be honest, I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. I'm not sure if I gave myself time to look at him in that regard as he was sent to me by one of my supervisors from college. I think she felt a little bad for me given all of the years of telling her that I didn't have a man or her hearing about all of the craziness in my life in that area. She told me that she sent me a friend as she wasn't sure if he was my type. But after I gave myself time to think about it and I looked at him, I realized that I really do like him. I prayed to be able to understand what I am thinking and I also prayed for a man that I was attracted to. I just asked God to help me to do the right thing. So far, I am enjoying the ride! I enjoy his company and I have a lot of fun with him. I am thankful for this. I say all of that to say, that I am sincerely trying to do the right thing. It is so easy to be bitter and frustrated and numb because of mistreatment or bad relationships so I am trying my hardest not to be. Whatever happens with this at this stage in my life is okay. It just feels good to be appreciated and to be in good company. Maybe this is a lesson for me...I don't know, but I like this. God is good!

Chapter 36: A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

Okay. Today I have a whole lot of different and in short, random things to say. After being on an internet restriction for several weeks, there have been several things that have happened in that time. So here it goes....
1) I got a new car!!!!!! After several back-to-back problems with the Sentra. I had to put her to bed. It was rather sad for me, however as I felt that I was losing a part of my family. The Sentra was my high school graduation gift. She took me to high school graduation, to junior college, to The University of Florida, it went along on my journey to pledge a sorority in undergrad, it took me to graduate school at The University of Central Florida, to my first professional job, and on my adventure to purchase my first home. We went through a lot! It was sad however that I had to sell her, but I really didn't get a chance to say good-bye, so to speak. I bought my new car...Rolla...a 2009 Corolla on March 9, but I hadn't sold or traded in the Sentra yet. I went to one dealership and only test drove three cars and I made a decision. My parents and Monday our dog went with me to make the decision as I was feeling more apprehensive about buying a car than I did in buying a house. :) So at that point I had two cars, but I needed to sell the other to make some more money for the down payment. So my schedule is very hectic and I knew that the following day, a Monday, would be the smartest day for me to sell the other car. After buying the car on Sunday, I took the Sentra to be washed and while I was doing that I was having a very deep and very much needed conversation with a male friend of mine. In short, it was one of those, once in a lifetime conversations that I knew had a purpose that day. I just wished I could've focused more on what I was doing at the moment. The next day, I went to both of my jobs and then I rushed to take the car to sell it. It was a very simple process, but as I went to finish the sale, I noticed that I left the car title at home. I went home to get it and returned. I walked away from the car thinking that I would get a chance to "say good-bye" but the people at the car place told me that they would remove the tag for me and to continue some of the paperwork. I thought that when I finished that the car would still be there...and it wasn't! I was so sad. I know that it sounds crazy, but it was like losing a friend because my car and I were always together. I don't have many friends and because I am always on the go, she had become like a friend. I felt the same as I felt when one of my childhood pets was killed. Hmmm. I am thankful however that this go around, I was able to buy myself a vehicle that is exactly 10 years younger that my other car. This one was my graduation gift to myself this time. I'm proud of me! I'm very broke, but I am so very thankful for it.

2) I didn't pass my exit exam to graduate. I was devistated as I was the only one in my internship class that didn't pass. If you can imagine sitting in an office at work in tears as my internship supervisor calls me to tell me that I ddin't pass. I didn't know whether to be angry or sad. Then I had to turn around and go to class to receive the hard copy of the scores. I was really sad because I knew that I did the best that I could especially considering that I work two part-time jobs as a teacher 6 days a week, intern and take two classes. My mind is really doing all it can. At this point, I am asked to take the exam again and I am preparing, but I am very pissed at how the University is handling things. In response, I wrote a letter to the director of the department as well as sent copies to several of my professors as I know that when I call, they will refer me to email. I hope this helps! Because in the event that anything goes wrong, I am going to have a serious problem. I am going to be faithful and believe, however that I will pass this time. I just don't appreciate how things are handled in regards to the test itself. Some of those things on the test I had never seen before. Another thing that makes me go hmmmm....

3) I learn everyday who my friends are. It is amazing to me that I can show compassion to another person and he or she doesn't do the same for me unless I am in a bind and I can't help myself. I wanted to see Mary J. Blige and Jay-Z in concert and I told a friend of mine and he said okay, let's go. So I emailed him the next day and I told him that when he gets ready to buy the tickets to let me know so that I could give him the money. He ignored me. So I thought that he might've bought tickets already. For that reason, I called around and some said no and others were like o we all decided to buy tickets together....we didn't know you wanted to go. Mind you, no one asked me! It makes me sad to know that people who are supposed to be mind friends continually count me out. One of the girls actually had the gaul to leave me a message to say that she didn't know that I wanted to go, but proceeded to tell me that there was a job fair in Atlanta that she wanted to go to...this is usually followed by her asking me to drive. I was angry and sad all at the same time. This is not the first time and after awhile I was like I'll be forgiving. But it can be hard. I have to do what makes me happy. Regardless, I have to be true to me, however.

4) I have been thinking a lot about the presidential elections particularly on the democratic end of the race, but I will save those thoughts for another day and another chapter.

5) It is amazing to me that when people meet me that they are intrigued by me. I like that feeling, but it is amazing that I have known some people for years and they don't feel that same intrigue...even when I first met them. It may be true that all of those things that I speak about myself, people are finally seeing. :)

6) Budget cuts in education in Florida? What kind of mess is this....it is going to be really sad around here....just another thing to make me say hmmmm....

7) In spite of all that is going on, I see a lot of positive things that are going on or about to go on in my life. I am excited and very proud of myself after looking over my life and my evolution. My family is going through a lot, but we are prayful. I refuse to believe that none of these things have a purpose. That would be crazy to believe that. God is still good!!!

I said it would be a lot right....well until the next go around... I'm out!

Chapter 35: Sitting in a Rocking Chair...I Thank God for Unanswered Prayers

I saw Joyce Meyer a few years ago and one thing that she said that stood out for me was that there are some things that we do that we may feel like we are sitting a rocking chair...moving, but going nowhere. Sometimes I feel like that. I'm searching my mind and I'm thinking about things and while I know that I am doing the very best that I can, I feel like I'm going nowhere. Today, I decided to say good-bye to a lie and to thank God for unanswered prayers. In this life we can sit at jobs and move, but figuratively never move in mentality or move financially. We can sit in relationships and move, but never grow spiritually or romantically and feel so helpless and lost and unloved even in our relationships with people of the same gender. What I find interesting is that those of us who are believers tend to pray about situations such as these in faith that they will get better and that God will mend the brokeness within some of our relationships. I have rediscovered today that I truly do thank God for unanswered prayers. There have been days where I have prayed that God will heal my heart or change the way that I look at a situation and He consistently does that. But I have also prayed and asked God to help me to grow closer to another person in my life and I know that God heard me, but I'm certain that what I wanted then was not of his will for my life. It hurts so badly to be disappointed, not by God, but at another human or at a situation that didn't go my way, but I thank God for not answering some of my prayers because I know if he would have, I would feel so sad and hurt inside about the outcomes. I sit at this computer crying knowing that his ways are not like my own and that he knows what is best for me even though in the human sense I don't really understand. But I thank God for his way and his will.

Today, I say goodbye to a lie. I can't live anymore praying and thinking that some things will come to pass and I know that they won't because they shouldn't. I can't continue to live and wish one man should love me and I know that he shouldn't because he can't. It isn't my fault, it's just the way it is supposed to go. I remember one instance with one of my boyfriends from high school when I realized that he thought that we had an understanding that I didn't quite understand. I overheard him tell his friends that "she (I) knows that I see other girls, but we have an understanding." When I heard that, I didn't act out of order or throw a fit, I just got in may car and left and never returned. I have not been there to his mother's house to this day. From that point on, I never felt any need to call him or to see him. I had prayed and prayed and prayed that my feelings for him would go away and I knew that that day was the day that God allowed my prayers to be answered according to that situation. The unanswered prayer was that we would get married some day. I'm so thankful that we didn't. I say that to say, we can sit in a rocking chair all day shooting the breeze because it feels good, but it can all be a silly lie. Today, I want no more of it. I'm so glad that God sees my future because if I concentrated on all that I see right now, I would be sad or insane some days. Thank you Jesus for being there when everyone else was too busy or too self-centered. Thank you for loving me when it seemed like no one else did. Thank you for seeing the good in things that I cannot. I thank you for knowing and understanding the method to all of the madness and making it all right in the end. I'm sick of sitting in the rocking chair. I want to walk now and possibly ride on a bike or in a nicer car. I've learned that unanswered prayers lead to even bigger blessings.

Chapter 34: This is what I want...

After all that I have been through in 26 years in terms of relationships, I have an interesting perspective of the things that are important to me. I have learned not to talk about being single as much as I used to, primarily because most of the people that I know are married, engaged, or dating. I laugh inside when I hear folks say, well I lived on my own until I was 23 or I got married at 21 and I had to wait for sooo long. Whether it is waiting for someone in the world to love you due to the missing element of familial love or love in friendship or waiting for romantic love, having to wait can be frustrating and no one understands more than you when it is you. My wait has not only been for a romantic love, but for friendship with real, like minded, like speed people. Sometimes the devil creeps up and makes me feel like I will never find this, but have to remember who God is. I know that people like me will be blessed. It is so easy to feel less than when others give you the impression that it is so. Folk will have you thinking that you are inadequate because they are inadequate. So with respect to that, here is what I want in a relationship with a man...these are slightly different from my list of what the "perfect" man looks like.
1. I want to be in a relationship in which I get excited to see his face and be in his presence. I want to enjoy each moment not solely because of attraction, but because he's good company. I want to be able to look at the stars in the grass or hold him or him hold me as we watch TV...even re-runs. Not only on occasions, but consistantly. I want him to feel the same way when he's with me.

2. I want a relationship in which I feel safe. Safe to be myself and safe to tell him what I really feel without being judged. I wish for him to be my best friend. I don't want to have to worry about mental illness coming to steal time from me or our relationship to build walls or to allow him to make excuses or abuse substances.

3. I want a relationship in which God is our everything. Not we ourselves, but God. I will take a back seat to God. After God, I am okay with being second. I don't want to have to compete with friends or ex-girlfriends, or work, or the car, or anyone else, however. It is my turn to feel pampered and loved. When I really like someone, I don't throw away everything, but I do give time to that person, not only because I care, but because I believe that they are special enough to deserve that much.

4. I " " in which he makes time for me without complaining. He does sweet things for no reason and he doesn't mind doing those things that are not expected. I would like to believe that a man can go to the ends of the earth for me and do those things that aren't expected not because he feels obligated, but because he wants to.

5. I want to be able to go on fun trips and truly enjoy myself and do things that I have never done and see things that I have never seen. I want surprises and random jokes. Just plain fun.

6. I want to be able to enjoy plain chill time with his family and with him and my family.

7. I want him to be respectful of my feelings and to be true to his word. No more, I'll call you back and I don't hear from him for days, maybe even weeks or I want to see you soon and I don't see him for months until he decides that he wants to pop up.

8. I want a man with passion, not only for me, but for his life, his job, God, and his family. The rest will follow. What I crave for is a man who is genuine. It's not about what I do or don't do, it's about his genuine care, desire, and concern for me.

9. I want a man who is SINGLE. In my adult life, I don't remember being the only woman. There has always been another woman lurking around somewhere and interesting enough, I am the "other" woman. Typically, I don't know that I am the second as I think that I was the first one until something random and stupid occurs. It's the phrases, I don't want to hear her mouth or I don't want her to know that I was here with you or what's worse is being dodged because he doesn't want the other woman to see you that really hurt the most. Again sometimes other people try to make you feel like you are less because they are less themselves.

10. I want a man who is not ashamed or afraid to give me a title or tell everyone that I am his girl and really mean it. I want him not to be afraid to walk among people he knows holding my hand, or opening doors for me. Clearly, I just want him to give a damn. I don't have time for commitment issues...I don't feel like that's fair.

11. I want a man to appreciate me and to love me without a motive. I don't want to feel like no matter how sweet or kind I am that it doesn't matter. Feeling appreciated is important.

12. I want a man who will not make excuses as to why he can't do something with or for me or be with me for the night or for an event of mine because something else has a higher priority. For once, I want to be a priority or someone truly important or special to him. I don't want to have to compete with anyone or anything else. He will always make time for me and I won't have to wait or be sad because he's "inadvertantly" forgot about me. I will be his special lady, not becasue of what I can do for him, simply because of who I am.

13. Not to put this as last, but I want a man who is nice looking. Someone that I am not grossed out to look at. Very simple...

I think that this is all for now...but it is truly how I feel. Is that too much to ask?

Chapter 32: The Very Pretty, Ugly Duckling Part 2: Two Stupids Don't Make a Smart

As the my day continues, again I come to the place that I let my mind wonder and think about the fact that I feel like a foreign fish in domestic waters--much like a lioness in a jungle full of house cats or an eagle in a field with chickens. I know that I am much greater than my surroundings, but I get frustrated sometimes. When I think to say that two stupids don't make a smart, I mean that just because someone else is stupid, doesn't mean that I have to subject myself to the same behavior. I am a lady of course, why do I have to act like a chicken when I am an eagle. Yes, people will cause you to act a fool and be out of character on occasionally, but I uphold myself to a greater standard. Today I feel really irritated at a lot of things, but one of them being the fact that I am so over my job. I have very little respect for many of the people there and I have even less hope for my field of work when I look at the way that they work things here. I simply don't have the same vision as they do. I have grown to understand that it is solely and clearly a business. The teachers, or the sales associates are some of the hardest workers with the smallest amount of respect and for that reason, we tend to disrespect each other. Again, hurt people, hurt other people. Do I understand it, yes. Does it make sense, to a degree, yes. Is it right? No. I have made a vow to myself as an educator that when I do get another job that I will not act like my co-workers. I will work for the benefit of the children, not to run over or abuse the other educators...more less I will not use my title to demonstrate that I am better than another educator. That is weak, unChristian-like, and simply a cop-out to indicate that one is "secretly" insecure.

I have been having the hardest time lately with a few things. I am in a similar place as last semester. My tuition is still not paid...2 weeks into the semester, but I decided not to stress about it as the money has been allocated...I just haven't received it and the university hasn't been paid. I have truly enjoyed my internship site so far! It is almost like a 360 degree turn from last semester. Thank GOD!!!! So, some things are working out for me, but I really am trying hard to like other people.

It is sad when you don't really know many people who are of a sane mind, or that are genuinely good people. Everyone is so busy trying to matter in the world that they tend to forget that other people are just as important as they are. Being the very pretty, ugly duckling is like watching everyone else in the world run around and gaining "gifts without repentance" and thinking wow, when is it my turn. I know that I am of greater character than them. It is interesting when I tell about my journey and some of the things that I am doing right now and I hear people say wow or I don't see how you do all of that and stay sane. I feel good and I know that there is great reward in store for me. In a sense, this is similar to Job in the Bible. He lost everything he had and his "friends" kept telling him that he must have done something wrong and that God is not doing this to him because he did not wrong, etc. Job always confessed that for God we would live and for God he would die and in the end, he received double for his trouble. I refuse to believe that God won't do the same for me. One day I will be a swan and the other stupid or should I say ignorant people, will be looking at me saying, wow! I have worked to hard not to believe this. It is amazing that one can go through like and think that he or she has something wrong with them and in reality it is the others who own the problem. So for every person who refused to return my calls when I was in need, refused to help me when they could have, or thought, hmmm she can't go out with us because she is not our "type," it's cool. I believe in reaping, whether it is reaping when you sow bad things or reaping when you sow good things. I refuse to believe that God does not have his hands over my life. Ducklings do come up too. Just because someone is behaving "stupidly" with me does not mean that I have to behave in the same fashion. In other words, they should take the high road and "get on my level!"

Chapter 31: The Only Jesus

I have a new "favorite" song now. It's called "The Last Jesus" on the new Kirk Franklin CD, "The Fight of My Life." I really love this song because I think that the message is so true and strong. For the first few times that I heard the CD, I skipped the song because I didn't like the introductary music, but I am very glad that I decided to listen to the whole song. The message basically says that we should be very careful about how we live our lives and how we treat each other because we could be the "only Jesus" that some people see in the run of a day. I get tearful when I hear this song because I have wanted someone to be kind to me as well because there are days that one may not hear a kind word from anyone. I think about those who are less fortunate than I, those who are incacerated, those who are ill, and more and I know that I try to do what's right and show some compassion, but there are so many people in the world who do not. Another point of interest is the fact that if we consider ourselves to be Christians, why don't we demonstrate the love of Jesus or allow others to see the Christ in us. The song says, " If I say I love Jesus, but you can't see my Jesus, my words are empty, if they can't see Jesus in me." You just may be the only Jesus they see. My confusion comes when I think about the behavior of others in relation to myself or to those who are close to me.

I went to church today and I have been struggling with this for nearly a year now. I really don't know where to go to church. I have been torn between two churches for years, but I continued to go to what I called "my" church. I felt like I wanted to walk out of the church because the people can be so rude there, but I stayed because I knew that message would considerably be good. I was struggling emotionally with what I was feeling because I didn't understand if I was angry or sad. Someone told me to move from my seat as the balcony was closed during the first service. Mind you, the doors were open. I understood the purpose, but I was disturbed by the way that the usher went about it. I felt like a number and I didn't feel like I was a part of the church at that moment. This is not the second time that something like this has happened. I am not crazy or anything, but I stay because I learn so much about the bible there. The people bother me. In this sense, I can't see the Jesus in them. I feel alone as I go to church by myself and I sit alone in the same place every Sunday unless MW is there. I feel like when I do make interactions with other people that they make empty statements and that I can see through them. It's kinda like what I meant in the chapter about church people. I am torn and at this point after 4 years, I've visited many churches, but I haven't found one that tailors to my needs and gives me the word in a manner that I can understand, digest, and understand. The church I visit more often than not, is a wonderful place as the people are kind and my speed, but I can't follow the pastor. I refuse to join a church in a place where I have to struggle to understand the messages and the word. I need help with this.

Another thing that I think about when I hear this song is the fact that again, we don't think about what our actions do to others. One of my students wrote an essay about this same matter. I assigned the student a "One Mic" essay. Much like the Nas song, "One Mic," the students were asked if they were given one mic, what would they say about any global issue. It needed to be something that they could write passionately about. This student wrote about the notion that many people are being abused or resort to substance abuse because other people are being inconsiderate and abusive to them. I was shocked at her response, but I agree. If hurt people, hurt other people, it is certainly the truth. A "friend" of mine called me to his house the other day and I was excited for many reasons, one is the fact that I got a chance to go somewhere and the other was the fact that I enjoy his company in the few times that we do see each other in a month. He asked me to do several things for him this week and I agreed to do them as I knew if it were me I would want someone to help me in the same fashion. He was supposed to call me so that he could bring the materials to my home, but he didn't. The next day, I sent a message to him (being kind). He didn't respond. I sent him an email the following day to ask about a free offer that he was giving to his clients...I wanted one for myself. He responded by saying that he would call me...and he did, but I never received the materials and I never got the free offer. So I gave up. There was nothing else to do. Another instance this weekend was that he wanted me to get a picture frame for one of his pictures. I sent him a text and he ignored me, so I gave up on that as well. Again, we don't truly know what effect our behavior has on others. I know that I did nothing wrong and that he owns the problem, but it certainly doesn't feel good to be ignored when you trying to help someone, especially someone who can be considered a friend. Truthfully, I felt quite lonely and hurt. I know that he is busy, but so am I. Figuratively, he forgot about me. I was trying to help.

You have to be so careful because you never know when you are entertaining angels. God lives inside of each of us and when we neglect another person, ignore the voice of God, or plainly mistreat someone, we aren't living in the manner in which he would like for us to live. Sometimes we are the only Jeusus that some people see. It's sad to know that we often live empty lives and don't even realize what we are doing in the world and what empact our actions have. My warning is to be careful how you treat others and don't get too selfish and caught up in your own problems that you forget that the love that someone may need has been put inside of you by God. Putting a little love in your heart is almost an understatement as it is already there. We just don't realize it and those who actually do realize it, don't always use it or know what to do with it. That's sad, ain't it?

Chapter 30: The Just and the Un-Just...Is there Justice?

In my heart, I am really sad. My brother called me to tell me that his former roomate had been sentenced to 2 years in prison for having sex with a minor. He had been facing 10 years and would have to be registered to be a sex offender. In a plea deal, he decided to take the two years so that he would not have to live with the stigma of being a sex offender. Truthfully, I think the thing that really makes me sad is that I know him and the fact that the same thing could've happened to my brother, me, or anyone for that matter. He is a really good guy who got caught in a really bad situation--a college student even, who thought he was dating a girl who was the same age as he when in fact, the girl was much younger than she said. What is sad is that I think she was white or of another race. I was soo hurt.

I am not saying that he is perfect or anything, but I don't agree with the whole idea of the young lady not being accused or questioned. It is true that young people look much older. A good example is me. I am 26 and I am told that I look 16. It is not that I look young, it is partly because children and teenagers look so much older now. I think it is that many young people want so badly to be grown so soon. This whole situation reminded me of something from the older days of the south when black men were accused speaking or waving or sometimes even raping white women. This didn't have to happen! I feel so strongly about it not only because it is unjust, but because he and my brother were roomates, they could've been together that day and my brother could very well be in the same situation. I am sad and outraged! I almost want to cry. This is an example of modern-day slavery.

America is interesting for the fact that there are laws to protect people, but then there are laws that in some ways, endanger others. We live in a country that puts people like Martha Stewart in prision because of stock market fraud, or tax evasion and then you have people like those in my community who rob banks out of desparity, or sell drugs in order to put food on the table who go to prison for years and years while you have those who commit crimes daily who sit on public boards and offices and never see jail. I just don't understand. I understand that there are laws in place to protect children, but in theory and in truth, the same people that many of these laws are meant to persecute don't ever see the system because many children who are really battered or really abused don't tell what happens and these same people go free daily. People who steal and embezzle money from companies or colleges that support so many people often go without being caught for years even. It really makes me sad to think about the reality of it all or even to be called a sex offender and to go to prison with that stigma. It is said that inmates don't treat you well when it is known that you have done something to a child. After reading the Jernarlo Lowe story, he mentioned that he wasn't mistreated as bad because the people there knew that he stood up against the very law that placed him there---a law similar to our friend. I believe part of that, but is makes me nervous because I'm sure that there are many things that go on in prison that many people cannot and will not speak about after leaving because it is too painful or embarrassing.

The justice system is very interesting. I will say, however this whole situation and other things that I have seen on my winter break have made me evaluate my freedom and to think about the things that are really important and precious to me. If I do nothing else in the new year, I will appreciate my freedom more, I understand that anything can happen to anyone at anytime for any reason. Simple things like sleeping in my own bed alone in my room, eating alone, bathing alone, driving, getting an education, working, or even dressing myself alone are all blessings and priviledges that we don't ever think about. I will also think about cherishing things a little more. God doesn't have to give me anything, in fact if he wanted to take something away from me at any time, he would. I need to cherish all that I do have. The phrase is "life like you were dying." Morrie, from the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" says that once you learn how to die, you will learn how to live," meaning if you realize that you really are going to die one day instead of pretending that that day will never come, you will cherish the days that you do have on earth a little more. I will understand that I am blessed...better than blessed. It will truly take all day to say thank you for everything. While I am very sad about this, I am thankful that he didn't get the maximum time and I am glad that he took a stand to say that I am not a sex offender and I refuse to be labled as such. The young lady who did this to him will not be let off the hook in theory in reference to the spirtual sense of things--you do reap what you sew. Our friend will be a stronger person after this and I pray that all of this will work out for his good. God I thank you. It rains on the just and the unjust and the Bible says, and right now I believe that it is raining on our friend. Contrary to what we think, however in order to grow we all need some rain. I believe it is when we dance in the rain that God brings out the sunshine.

Chapter 29: The Power of Words...and Actions

I am an English teacher and a published writer. I have always loved words, primarily because I know that they carry so much weight. I have also admired other writers because of thier honesty and the fact that often many times one can write something and be totally anonymous--allowing their words to represent not only themselves, but the invisible person for whom they embody. The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the power of the tounge. If we, as people know as much, why do we spend so much time harming others. I am writing this after being awakened by my own thoughts in the middle of the night. I noticed that I am very careful when I choose my words. I try not to be judgemental of other people when they speak to me as I'm sure that I can be or that I am one step away from being in thier situation. I also try to be empathetic to everyone...most of the time because everyone is running around in the world trying to matter. I also know what it feels like to question why someone behaved or spoke in the fashion that they do. Mere words, quite frankly, can hurt like hell.

I was in bed and I was thinking about the fact that I just realized that I was an adult, last year I think. I don't mean this is the physical sense or in the numerical sense. I mean this is a figurative way...in a manner that challenged what I thought adulthood was. Here I am, I own my own home, I have earned tenure as a high school teacher--no doubt, I have two degrees and I am working on the third, and I am able to stand on my own--without a man. I am "for real and grown," yet in my mind, I don't feel grown. I have written about what it means to be an adult and what it means to be strong, both of which in my heart, I know that I embody, but sometimes it is not only the words in which we use to describe ourselves that cause us to think or identify, sadly it is also the words that we hear about ourselves or the words we are given that cause us to think or identify. It became clear to me that repeatedly, I am consistently reminded that I am young.

Sometimes, it can be considered cute when someone says "o...you're YOUNG!" In fact, I am the youngest person in my circle and one of the youngest at my job. I enjoy the fact that I am young and have accomplished so much in such a small amount of time, but I hate being reminded that I look young or quite simply that I am young. Older people like to believe that everyone who is young can be quite naive or stupid, to put it more clearly. While I agree with this to a degree with some cases, I know that indeed I am not as ignorant as many people my age. Because I look young I hear things like "o, you look like a child yourself. I bet those kids don't respect you." When I hear things like that, I get really articulate and say, "well, the students know exactly who I am and what I stand for. It is the adults who are the most ignorant and less tactful." Even when I am told, you look just like one of the students, I say thank you. It takes the sting out of what I am told and sprinkles it back to the giver. I say all of that to say, it is one thing to mention that you shouldn't allow someone else to define you, but it is another to note that all of us have been labeled at some point and unfortunately, we can be told negative things repeatedly and these things can become part of our own thinking. I didn't know that I was grown, not because I wasn't doing adult things, in fact I have been doing so since I was 16, I didn't know because for me, there was no bridge between my teenage years and adulthood--it all simply flowed together without any breaks. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly who I am and if I didn't know that, I know exactly who I am not. I know my strength and my potential as well. No can define you without your own consent, but it is interesting how the words and behaviors of other can cause you to think about your own identity.

Another thing that I noticed is that often we can be sad about words that others tell us and sometimes these things can have more of a sting than they intended to have or that we intended to allow them to have on us. It hurts to know that I know very few people who aren't very judgemental. For that reason, I am very careful about the things that I say and the counsel that I seek. In my heart, I am a little afraid that someone will say something hurtful to me about something that I can't control. I, in turn, will probably go there and say something offensive back...with the intent to hurt. I know that I would be hypocritical if I did so..."two stupids don't make a smart" of course! In 2007, I dealt with several things that I knew I couldn't tell to anyone, not because I didn't want to, but because I was afraid. I didn't feel like hearing...well I would have done this or that, or I have had worse, or any other phrase that would indicate that what I felt wasn't warranted. The phrase "what a friend we have in Jesus" never meant so much until last year. I don't mean to say that to be rude or trite, but mean that to say that in the process of maturation, it is important to know to whom to talk about what and what to talk about with whom. I truly believe we should watch what we say to others. It is simply a little lesson and scripture in the Bible that says "let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight. O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." The words that come from your mouth are not only yours, but they are also indicative of the content of your character and what is truly in your heart. The real person comes out at some of the weirdest times. Our actions do the same thing.

I have learned the people often behave in the manner in which they have been treated, but I also know that we don't think about what our actions say to other people. A good example is when I had a date with a man once. Since it was a "blockbuster night" at my house, I cooked dinner and cleaned my house. I was excited as I don't get many visitors and I was glad that all of my food turned out well....I cooked a lot of food. Sadly, however he didn't come. He didn't even call. I had to call him to make sure that everything was okay and legit and then to say what I needed to say. I was sad because I was so excited about having a visitor, but more strikingly, he said in his actions, that I wasn't important to him that day. Another example is when no one showed up to my initial housewarming party, it was like saying that I wasn't important at the time. I cannot be bitter because people can only be who they are and sometimes we don't know the messages that we send, but I will say that in the new year I will continue to try to treat others in the fashion that I want to be treated. Ghandi said "We must be the change that we want to see in the world." I would like to hope that I strive for and accomplish that often. I am not perfect, but I try to do what is right. I know that the way of the world is that people will hurt one another intentionally or unintentionally, but we should be careful with our speech and our actions.