Chapter 56: Feeling Chosen

I had an epiphany today. I was sitting at work and all of the students had left. I was just sitting still for awhile and it came to me that the thing that is most hurtful or frustrating about being single or unmarried is--not being "chosen." I am by definition "single" as I am not married, but before I met my boyfriend I couldn't understand some of the thoughts that I was feeling. I went to many weddings and watched my friends be, in what looked like, love and I thought, like many women thought, "what's wrong with me?" It is clear to me that many single women think that their married or dating counterparts are living a life that is much better and loving than their own because someone picked them (the married and dating ones) out of the batch to love. It's almost like being picked to play in a game as a child--except that this time, you are the one standing behind as everyone else gets chosen. Once most of the teams have been arranged, there are only a few players left and they may not look like the people you want to play with. The interesting thing is, they may indeed be good people.

I found myself feeling like that today. While I am in a relationship, we have a long distance relationship. (I'm so thankful that he is in the country and not overseas.) I noticed that I didn't want to go home because I knew that I would be alone for the evening. I don't have friends to go to after work and there are no visitors for me for weeks at a time. Loneliness can be a bit much on the soul. I must say that before I met him, I didn't notice how lonely I had become. It can be said that single women may think that married women have an advantage because they can go home to someone. Sometimes I feel that way.

It's funny that we hear about how the good apples are saved for last, but yet it is clear that there is a void in being alone. Somehow many of us are taught that a woman is special when chosen to be married. Sometimes I feel the same way about friends, somehow when we see people with good friends, I wonder what kind of person one has to be to have great friend. While there is no direct formula, I understand some people are simply blessed. Other people, like myself, are sent certain types of people as lessons and guides to other doors that God wishes to open. There is nothing wrong with being alone, but I guess many of us are wired to believe that something is wrong with being alone. It's weird.

And so ends my quick epiphany. More to come later. :)