Chapter 15: It's All Relative

Hurt is relative just like one's opinion is relative to one's experiences or life view. I laid awake for a long time last night and I began to think about a lot of things in my life. I've learned to monitor what I say and to whom I say it to for a lot of reasons. I've been in survival mode for years now and it is one of the ways in which I've been able to make it each day. I'm mature enough in my own consciousness to know that there are indeed people who are going through extremely adverse situations, but sometimes it has been hard for me to understand some people's ways and be objective and considerate when I sometimes end up being the person who feels some of thier pain and rath.

I was watching Forrest Gump the other day and I got really sad. I started to cry when I saw the part of the movie when Jenny comes back home before she gets pregnant and she says to Forrest, "I'm sorry for anything that I've done to you. I was really messed up then." It is amazing to me that some people can apologize for thier behavior way after the event of the pain. A friend of mine apologized to me several years later for the pain that he caused me. He blamed the behavior on the notion that he was going through a lot during that time in his life as a result, he indicated that he didn't intentionally do anything to hurt me. Being me, I forgave him, but it didn't change the way that I felt in my heart over the years. I knew that he was going through a tough time, (which is part of the reason that I dealt with him because I knew that if it were me, I would have needed a friend) but it didn't excuse the emotional abuse that I felt. Today, however I felt a different emotion.

I have never been the type of person to have many close friends. I know so many people and I have pretty good relationships with each of them, but very few I consider to be among my circle of close friends. Today, however I was curious and I looked up a young lady that I knew from when I was younger in the department of corrections database. I was told that she had been locked up for something that I considered to be silly, but I wasn't sure if I believed it. When I found her, I just stared at the screen for awhile. I didn't know what to think. At that moment, prison and jail time seemed more real to me than ever. A lot of my family members have been locked up, but for some reason, this one hit more closely to home---maybe because she was female--I don't know--or maybe it was because my parents trusted me in her care? It took me to another place as I better understand that people sometimes are in another world in thier own minds and they don't neccesarily have time to worry about you, your feelings, and how they treat you in the process.

A friend of mine told me that the reason that he smoked weed was because it was the only way that he could deal with some of the things that he feels. I had to get smart and say that I thought that that was a cop out, but he responded by saying that if I had dealt with some of the things that he did when we were growing up, I would be smoking too. Eventhough I think that "life ain't been no crystal stair" for me either and I don't see a need to smoke or drink excessively, I in some strange way understand where he is coming from. When I saw my friend's record, I thought about her sister and her behavior. When I really thought about it, I know why (in some ways) her sister acts the way that she does. In essence, it is all relative. Hurt affects everyone and it is really clear that we all behave and react to things differently. What made me sad is the fact that there are so many things that one can not know about the people in their lives. I sincerely had no clue.

The reason that I cried when I saw Forrest Gump that day was not because I was emotional, but because I actually saw parts of myself in Forrest. For just one small moment in time I had become him. Eventhough Jenny had been so hurtful to him at times, he sincerely loved her regardless of the behavior or the circumstances. He didn't do anything to deserve it from her and I'm not so sure that he questioned whether it was his fault at any time, but so strangely and innocently, none of that mattered. She had no idea of how she was acting at times because he simply said nothing. She was always the apple of his eye no matter what and that' s how I have been in some cases. The aforementioned friend was a person in whom I believed I loved and for years, I felt hurt, but I still loved him. In my heart I knew that he didn't mean it. One day proved that to me, but somehow it still didn't make sense. He came to visit me for the first time in months and he looked at my degree and said "how do you pronounce your middle name?" When he said that it took me to a whole 'nother place as we had been "dating" off and on for at least 2 or 3 years. He sincerely acted like he didn't know my name. Not to mention the fact that he forgets my birthday every year even though it is the day after his sister's birthday. (I do need to add that he often remembers the day or so after.) At that time I realized that (and I hope that) he didn't intentionally do that. He had just never made it a point to concern himself with those things. He was too busy fighting himself to worry about me. In this situation, not that I was a perfect angel or anything, but I was innocent there because I didn't do anything to deserve that from him. Now I'm on another level and I realize that it's not right, but it's okay. I can learn from him. This in part, is my theory of relativity. Everyone has issues...I have enough to subscribe to. As I think about the guy from the last chapter, I realize that people are creatures of habit, environment, and experience. He simply didn't and doesn't know what to do with me. I was amazed to hear him say that one day. I knew this for some time now, but I am not that arrogant. For years, I felt like everything was always my fault; afterall, usually when people do things to you it can be partly because you brought it upon yourself or your own behavior caused them to react that way. Coming from where we're from a woman like me is not in vogue and being raised in his family, I didn't fit the bill. I am greatful that God has watched over me all of the days of my life, because I loved him blindly. He only being who he is...and with all due respect he is a good man, a hard worker, a good listener, funny, kind, and very insightful. I really appreciate that part of his character, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that he is (and so am I) still young and he is behaving based on things that he has seen in his life, his habits, his nature, and his experience. Inside of me I feel sad, bad, and confused about our relationship and the status of it at this point, but I can say that I do understand it better today than I did on yesterday.

While this applies to others, it also applies to me as I feel that I am misunderstood to a degree. I simply want people to know that I have had my share of struggles too. It may not be the same struggles as those I have witnessed, but I do have them and I deal with them very dfferently. My brother likes to tell me that "B, you have seen a lot more than you give yourself credit for. We grew up with the trap at the end of the road and we grew up around a lot of drugs and alcohol." I took that with me when I began working in the counseling clinic because I felt that somehow I wouldn't have enough "pain and struggle" credibility as a counselor because I look innocent and I am extremely calm in most situations. Again I say that my theory of relativity is the fact that we all hurt, some greater than others, but it is definitely real...no matter how great or small. The problem is that we need to be conscious of the world around us even when we are under pressure and pain. In other words, we need to be careful not to hurt those around us and we should be careful in how we respond to others when we are the ones being hurt. Does that make sense?