Every year, I try to think of new year's resolutions. This year, I think I may not label them not only as resolutions, but as points to ponder. Here they are:
1. I want to find and continue to do things that make me happy. I have very little time to myself as I work two jobs, I go to school at night, and I co-chair an organization for girls in my community. Even though I have lived by myself for 4 years now, I still don't know many of the things that make me happy. This is not because I don't want to, but simply because I haven't had a lot of time to do so. Whenever I get free time I am trying to go to sleep. In 2008, I want to do what truly makes me happy, not just what is necessary to reach my goals.
2. Of course...excercise is on the list! I'm not sure when, but I would like to try. :)
3. Get a dog...preferably after graduation. I think I want a long-haired daschund.
3b. Graduate in May!!! Pass the CPCE exam in February.
4. Allow myself time to heal or grieve things. I am often on the move so much until I don't take the time to grieve or heal. It is very easy to be so busy being strong, but one can forget to be human. I can be prideful at times and subconsciously say to myself "I refuse to cry about this" or "I am not a punk," or even say that I forgive the person and I accept what happened, but I forget to whole-heartedly think about what I'm feeling at the time.
5. Travel. I work a lot and I don't have much money, but I would like to travel more. I really, really loved my vacation in the Bahamas. It is something that I will never forget and for that reason, I know that I should take the time that I have now to see the world--literally. I would like to put a plan in motion to go to Europe or at least Canada...in other words out of the country... in 2009. As for 2008, I want to simply travel...where...I don't really know.
6. Go out with people my age. I am the youngest person in my chapter of my sorority, the youngest in my book club, and one of the youngest on my job. I don't like being reminded that I am young. I simply want to have 26 year old fun. I'm not sure how I am going to achieve this, but I would like to try. I work a lot, I'm in school, and I don't meet many people my age, but I am going to make a conscious effort to do this.
7. Join a church. I have been attending one church for the last 4 years, but I have visited another church for 2 of those 4 years. I would like to join myself to one body because I believe that having an established church home is important. I am still waiting on God to give me direction on this.
8. Accept people for who they are without getting angry because they can't do what I believe is right by me. No people are not always fair or kind, but I do know that I can continue to go about my way without questioning myself by saying why are they doing this to me, etc. People are being as good as they can be...some people (as my mom would say,) can't get no gooder. When folk act like this with me, I understand that I don't have to allow them into my circle and I also don't have to be a reactive person. I sincerely don't believe that I should allow another person to openly make me loose my cool and "go off" or react to their stupid or immature behavior. It is what it is and it is okay for me not to have many people in my space. I think I do well with this, but I would like to to continue to do so.
9. Decide whether I will consistently go to my hair dresser.
10. Get a good job in counseling. With this in mind, I want to find out where I want to live. I have to get out of my area. I know that there is something greater for me out there...just not sure where yet. In school counseling, I want to develop programs that will help minorities students academically and to push them to develop a greater sense of self.
11. Catch up on reading things that I want to read. I still haven't read "Confessions of a Video Vixen!"
12. Refuse to seek unwise counsel!!!! I think that I do a good job of this, but I want to continue that mode of thinking. Not everyone can help you when you need it, be supportive when you need them to be, or simply give a damn when you need them to. It is not because they don't want to, it is simply because they can't. It doesn't mean they are bad people, just not the right ones to take counsel or advice from. That in itself is a hard pill to swallow, but it can be done. God is the perfect source. I have learned that he will answer prayers in a fraction of a second if need be. The words "wonderful counselor" never meant so much until 2007. In 2008 it will continue to be so.
I think that is all for now. I already "seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness," I truly believe that everything else will follow....including a good man and all of the other things that I dream of. Happy New Year and God bless!!!!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Chapter 27: Love: A word that comes and goes...
There are very few people in this life who know what it means to really love someone or who have had the opportunity to love or be loved by someone. I find it interesting as I watch things at home and one of things that I have never been able to understand is the fact that for years people, especially women, and I guess I can say those within the black community, we often hear the adage, "if you love someone you have to let them go and if it comes back you will know that they are yours and it means much more." Now that I am older, I realize that that phrase alone is not only a lie for many people, but it is, in part, one of the reasons many women allow wayward or abusive men back into thier lives. We have been led to think that when a man returns to us it can mean several things, but more importantly that he truly loves us and/or we are better than the other woman or that he got tired of running the streets and has found his mind and will be much better than he was before. I don't say that to say that people don't change or that things can't get better in situations like that, but I am saying that many women tend to push aside the negative and say "You know what? He must really like or love me if he does 'x, y, and z.'" Truthfully, I am guilty of this myself, but I think that it is important to understand the things in which make us behave in which we do or to identify the things that we have been taught over the years and challenge our belief systems.
Another thing that I noticed more on this trip home is the fact that the mind is very strong muscle that can do things that in the conscious sense we may have a hard time understanding. I have worked with mentally ill people and I personally know many people who are mentally ill, but I noticed that within my own mind, there are many things that in my heart, I know that are not right or not made for me, but my mind will draw me in and allow me to rationalize things in a manner that in the conscious sense, don't make logical sense, but because my mind sometimes has more power over my emotions and I act on that. Things can appear right when they are clearly wrong. One can allow this irrational thinking to control thier lives or simply some thier actions and in turn believe that it is love when it really isn't. This goes for romantic relationships and even our relationships with our family members. I think that it's really interesting that we can be smart enough to go about our business daily, but we are blind to some of our realities.
In abusive relationships, whether with our family members or our romantic interest, it is like I mentioned before, I know I tend to think that things are my fault or that something was wrong with me for things to happen the way in which they did. Abused children tend to think the same way, battered women tend to do the same. In this fashion, things can become cyclical and some people tend to treat others in the same manner in which they have been treated...hurting people hurting other people or in some cases demonstrating what they believe love to be. It is very sad. One instance in particular is a situation I've had. I've dated men who have told me that I think too highly of myself, or who have tried to make me feel less than a woman. Because I try to see the good in most things, I tend to look at those things that were positive in our relationship and my mind tends to wonder. While it wonders, I often don't notice the toil this plays in my self-concept and my outlook on men and relationships. I am smart enough to remove myself from the situation, but inside it can be very debiliating. I have experienced God's love for myself and I have parents who are deeply in love with each other as well, but sometimes it is very easy to be subjected to the hurt of another person and despite all that you know or feel, you can easily be put into the trap of the deceptive love of a bruised person. This again leads me to the aforementioned adage about one leaving and letting go of someone and that person returning. I sincerely believe that for the most part, that is not so.
One's inner belief system, self-esteem, and self-concept can be scarred partly because of thier own beliefs about what love really is or someone else's beliefs of love. While no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, when one is subjected to things that are our of thier control it is hard not to feel inferior. I say all of this to say that that people rarely take the time to 1) monitor their own behavior and think about how it can effect those around them; 2) examine what they believe love to be; 3) Examine the place that Christ-like love plays in thier lives or whether they believe that they are entitled to Christ-like love. Because of the lack of the aforementioned notions, I believe that there are many who are not only lacking love, but lack the capacity to love, or remain in relationships or situations that are bad for them. I, in part, can be guilty of this as well, but I think that it is good to do self-inspections from time to time. The Notebook is my way of doing so.
Another thing that I noticed more on this trip home is the fact that the mind is very strong muscle that can do things that in the conscious sense we may have a hard time understanding. I have worked with mentally ill people and I personally know many people who are mentally ill, but I noticed that within my own mind, there are many things that in my heart, I know that are not right or not made for me, but my mind will draw me in and allow me to rationalize things in a manner that in the conscious sense, don't make logical sense, but because my mind sometimes has more power over my emotions and I act on that. Things can appear right when they are clearly wrong. One can allow this irrational thinking to control thier lives or simply some thier actions and in turn believe that it is love when it really isn't. This goes for romantic relationships and even our relationships with our family members. I think that it's really interesting that we can be smart enough to go about our business daily, but we are blind to some of our realities.
In abusive relationships, whether with our family members or our romantic interest, it is like I mentioned before, I know I tend to think that things are my fault or that something was wrong with me for things to happen the way in which they did. Abused children tend to think the same way, battered women tend to do the same. In this fashion, things can become cyclical and some people tend to treat others in the same manner in which they have been treated...hurting people hurting other people or in some cases demonstrating what they believe love to be. It is very sad. One instance in particular is a situation I've had. I've dated men who have told me that I think too highly of myself, or who have tried to make me feel less than a woman. Because I try to see the good in most things, I tend to look at those things that were positive in our relationship and my mind tends to wonder. While it wonders, I often don't notice the toil this plays in my self-concept and my outlook on men and relationships. I am smart enough to remove myself from the situation, but inside it can be very debiliating. I have experienced God's love for myself and I have parents who are deeply in love with each other as well, but sometimes it is very easy to be subjected to the hurt of another person and despite all that you know or feel, you can easily be put into the trap of the deceptive love of a bruised person. This again leads me to the aforementioned adage about one leaving and letting go of someone and that person returning. I sincerely believe that for the most part, that is not so.
One's inner belief system, self-esteem, and self-concept can be scarred partly because of thier own beliefs about what love really is or someone else's beliefs of love. While no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, when one is subjected to things that are our of thier control it is hard not to feel inferior. I say all of this to say that that people rarely take the time to 1) monitor their own behavior and think about how it can effect those around them; 2) examine what they believe love to be; 3) Examine the place that Christ-like love plays in thier lives or whether they believe that they are entitled to Christ-like love. Because of the lack of the aforementioned notions, I believe that there are many who are not only lacking love, but lack the capacity to love, or remain in relationships or situations that are bad for them. I, in part, can be guilty of this as well, but I think that it is good to do self-inspections from time to time. The Notebook is my way of doing so.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Chapter 26: "Drug-Dealing Just to Get By, Stacking Money 'Til it Gets Sky High" For the Love of Academics Part II
After watching the movie "The Great Debaters" and going to visit a family friend out of state, I began to ponder on several things. Why are we, black Americans in such a crisis within our own communities? I was deeply inspired by the movie, that I saw it twice, once in the free premeires that was shown in my city and once in my hometown during the Christmas holidays. One of the most compelling things about the film was that it showcased black Americans as intellectuals and common people with a purpose. It was heart-warming to see that someone wanted to tell the story of intelligent black people who wanted to do the unthinkable. It was also compelling to note that one of thier arguments was about black students being admitted into predominately white colleges in the south. I am a proud graduate of one such school, The University of Florida. The University of Florida, based on what I have learned, was established some 154 years ago. Of those 154 years, black students have been attending the institution for the last 30 to 35 years. My graduating class in college was the first class in the history of the state of Florida to be admitted into state universities under the Talented 20 legislation. The Talented 20 was the new governor's way of getting around the notion of using Affirmative Action. The top 20% of minorities in each graduating class would have guarenteed admission into a state university. What is interesting about all of this is that inspite of Affirmative Action being taken away that year, our class had the highest enrollment of minorities in the history of the university and the history of the state. Do I believe that the state in turing over a new leaf and that Affirmative Action is no longer needed--no, but I do believe that the state and the world are slowly changing.
After being admitted to college, I have earned an English degree with a specialization in American literature and secondary education no doubt. Today, I am an educator myself. I am proud to know that I did something similar (on a much smaller scale) to the characters in the movie and I earned something that my ancestors fought so hard for me to have the opportunity to obtain. In a country where black Americans were not allowed to read and write, yet alone be admitted to white colleges or quite plainly earn an education, I feel honored to have done both. I teach English, one of the many things that my ancestors were unable to learn to read or write. While, it may be hard and some time tedious, I am making a difference. I also have the opportunity to promote the study of literature, much like my ancestors did in thier time. It felt good to hear black people reading and quoting things that I enjoy and have read in college. The movie, not only made me glad to be black, I was happy to be a lover of literature, to be female, to be an educator, and to be a lover of academics.
What is funny to me is the fact that somehow, we as people have gone away from this vision in so many ways. I am fortunate enough to have come from a home where both of my parents are college educated and are educators themselves. They too are graduates of predominately white colleges in the south, The University of Florida and The University of North Florida. While I believe that Historically Black Colleges and Universities definitely have a place, not only in history, but in the promotion of education in the black community, I find it strange that there is an unsaid predjudice among ourselves for people who do not go to or graduate from HBCUs. It is almost to say that one is not "black enough" if he or she does not attend an HBCU. I don't get that. If black people fought so hard to be educated and live among other races, why would another black person have anything crazy to say to another black person for attending a predominately white institution. This is also like the fact that children are often shunned in schools for sounding "too white" or in other words, being articute. Or even the notion of having an education, one is often considered to believe that they think that they are better than everyone else. I guess it is similar to the field negro disliking the house negro. I agree with Nas as he says in "If I Ruled the World," "It's elementary, they want us all gone eventually." I am not one to believe that everything is a conspiracy, but I do believe that we were somehow taught to hate ourselves and "love they wealth. That's why shorties yelling where the ballers at." In many cases we hate and distrust each other for that same reason. We as a people don't support our own businesses, we discriminate against each, and sadly we kill each other. What is going on or more clearly, who in the hell let the gate open for craziness and absurdity to come in?
In the song, "We Don't Dare" by Kanye West, he talks about how in America and probably elsewhere in the world, drug dealers do what they do just so that they can get by, yet children see this and see it as a means to get all they want and to make thier dreams come true. In America the average person knows that going to jail, especially in the state of Florida for drug charges can get you put away for a long time--possibly 20 years. It is sad, but our children and our people as a whole often do illegal things, not only to get by in a world where the cost of living is sky high, but to "beat the system." Often we do it to get a high from being the person to get away with crime in a system that openly doesn't justly support them or to get back at "the man." Even children are somehow subconsciously taught not to trust the police or white people as a whole. This mentality in turn often puts many people in prison because they may feel that they are above the law or they may fall in the trap of drugs. In all of this, I believe that an entire generation and in some cases part of our race is dying, not only in the physical prisons in this country, but in the mental prisons that we create for ourselves in our own minds and American society.
Sometimes, I get embarrassed by how we look in public or on TV, the way that we refer to ourselves, what we believe in and for ourselves, and the things that we value. A good example is the fact that I have two cousins one who won the lottery and one who got her deceased husband's insurance policy money. The strangest part of this to me was that neither of them taught to buy a home or to pay for thier children's college education, both bought cars! SUVs with nice rims! I didn't know what to think. Should I have laughed or shook my head?! (The question was rhetorical. lol) It is amazing to me that we do things for vanity at times or because deep within ourselves, we don't truly believe that we need or can even dream of more. Black people, I hate to say it, but particularly on BET, look worse when we are all over television sounding illiterate or looking a hot mess---AND displaying some of the worse talent. In the schools, I watch my student immulating these people and it makes me wonder if that is all that people of other races imagine many of us to be. Not only is GOD watching us, white America is watching us, and people all over the world are watching us. In a story that I read with my students about the diamond mines in Africa, I found it very interesting to read about an African boy whose dream was to get enough money to come to American because he believed that the African Americans were the rich ones in this country. He had seen images of rappers, actors, and athletes who had lots of "diamonds" and big homes. He thought that they had all the money and he believed that if he could get here he would be rich too. It is funny what his idea of success was. It is not of my own accord that I do this, but on the belief that there is always someting greater to achieve in this world. In order for us to "come up" or to love ourselves or to reach the correct standard and to begin to live the dream of Dr. King instead of letting it be deferred, we have to reconsider what we believe success to be. There are too many people who are concerned about the immediacy of the frivolous things before us, such as sex and money and we become trapped in the world of drugs, disease, and sometimes unplanned pregnancy. We literally forget about tomorrow and as a result, sometimes, our children and thier children struggle to break out of the mental prisons that they have been brought up to believe they live in. That is why being "so hood" is popular. As a whole, we think that if you are not from the hood, you are not credible, and in essence, not black enough. This is the exact opposite of what our ancestors invisioned for us. They wanted us out of the hood to become a population and generation of leaders in our society. I believe, however that this is another form of self-imposed hatred and/or black people wanting to hold each other back because we don't want to see someone else do better than us. Again, possibly, this is the field negro disliking the house negro menatlity. I'm not sure, but I refuse to be one who succombs to this notion or that forces it upon another individual. It is quite like the song, "Do you realize that you are a champion in thier eyes" and "Do you ever wonder what it all really means?" We have to understand that behavior is purposful and that we are destined to be kings and queens. Why do we have to live in mediocrity if excellence is always a choice?
After being admitted to college, I have earned an English degree with a specialization in American literature and secondary education no doubt. Today, I am an educator myself. I am proud to know that I did something similar (on a much smaller scale) to the characters in the movie and I earned something that my ancestors fought so hard for me to have the opportunity to obtain. In a country where black Americans were not allowed to read and write, yet alone be admitted to white colleges or quite plainly earn an education, I feel honored to have done both. I teach English, one of the many things that my ancestors were unable to learn to read or write. While, it may be hard and some time tedious, I am making a difference. I also have the opportunity to promote the study of literature, much like my ancestors did in thier time. It felt good to hear black people reading and quoting things that I enjoy and have read in college. The movie, not only made me glad to be black, I was happy to be a lover of literature, to be female, to be an educator, and to be a lover of academics.
What is funny to me is the fact that somehow, we as people have gone away from this vision in so many ways. I am fortunate enough to have come from a home where both of my parents are college educated and are educators themselves. They too are graduates of predominately white colleges in the south, The University of Florida and The University of North Florida. While I believe that Historically Black Colleges and Universities definitely have a place, not only in history, but in the promotion of education in the black community, I find it strange that there is an unsaid predjudice among ourselves for people who do not go to or graduate from HBCUs. It is almost to say that one is not "black enough" if he or she does not attend an HBCU. I don't get that. If black people fought so hard to be educated and live among other races, why would another black person have anything crazy to say to another black person for attending a predominately white institution. This is also like the fact that children are often shunned in schools for sounding "too white" or in other words, being articute. Or even the notion of having an education, one is often considered to believe that they think that they are better than everyone else. I guess it is similar to the field negro disliking the house negro. I agree with Nas as he says in "If I Ruled the World," "It's elementary, they want us all gone eventually." I am not one to believe that everything is a conspiracy, but I do believe that we were somehow taught to hate ourselves and "love they wealth. That's why shorties yelling where the ballers at." In many cases we hate and distrust each other for that same reason. We as a people don't support our own businesses, we discriminate against each, and sadly we kill each other. What is going on or more clearly, who in the hell let the gate open for craziness and absurdity to come in?
In the song, "We Don't Dare" by Kanye West, he talks about how in America and probably elsewhere in the world, drug dealers do what they do just so that they can get by, yet children see this and see it as a means to get all they want and to make thier dreams come true. In America the average person knows that going to jail, especially in the state of Florida for drug charges can get you put away for a long time--possibly 20 years. It is sad, but our children and our people as a whole often do illegal things, not only to get by in a world where the cost of living is sky high, but to "beat the system." Often we do it to get a high from being the person to get away with crime in a system that openly doesn't justly support them or to get back at "the man." Even children are somehow subconsciously taught not to trust the police or white people as a whole. This mentality in turn often puts many people in prison because they may feel that they are above the law or they may fall in the trap of drugs. In all of this, I believe that an entire generation and in some cases part of our race is dying, not only in the physical prisons in this country, but in the mental prisons that we create for ourselves in our own minds and American society.
Sometimes, I get embarrassed by how we look in public or on TV, the way that we refer to ourselves, what we believe in and for ourselves, and the things that we value. A good example is the fact that I have two cousins one who won the lottery and one who got her deceased husband's insurance policy money. The strangest part of this to me was that neither of them taught to buy a home or to pay for thier children's college education, both bought cars! SUVs with nice rims! I didn't know what to think. Should I have laughed or shook my head?! (The question was rhetorical. lol) It is amazing to me that we do things for vanity at times or because deep within ourselves, we don't truly believe that we need or can even dream of more. Black people, I hate to say it, but particularly on BET, look worse when we are all over television sounding illiterate or looking a hot mess---AND displaying some of the worse talent. In the schools, I watch my student immulating these people and it makes me wonder if that is all that people of other races imagine many of us to be. Not only is GOD watching us, white America is watching us, and people all over the world are watching us. In a story that I read with my students about the diamond mines in Africa, I found it very interesting to read about an African boy whose dream was to get enough money to come to American because he believed that the African Americans were the rich ones in this country. He had seen images of rappers, actors, and athletes who had lots of "diamonds" and big homes. He thought that they had all the money and he believed that if he could get here he would be rich too. It is funny what his idea of success was. It is not of my own accord that I do this, but on the belief that there is always someting greater to achieve in this world. In order for us to "come up" or to love ourselves or to reach the correct standard and to begin to live the dream of Dr. King instead of letting it be deferred, we have to reconsider what we believe success to be. There are too many people who are concerned about the immediacy of the frivolous things before us, such as sex and money and we become trapped in the world of drugs, disease, and sometimes unplanned pregnancy. We literally forget about tomorrow and as a result, sometimes, our children and thier children struggle to break out of the mental prisons that they have been brought up to believe they live in. That is why being "so hood" is popular. As a whole, we think that if you are not from the hood, you are not credible, and in essence, not black enough. This is the exact opposite of what our ancestors invisioned for us. They wanted us out of the hood to become a population and generation of leaders in our society. I believe, however that this is another form of self-imposed hatred and/or black people wanting to hold each other back because we don't want to see someone else do better than us. Again, possibly, this is the field negro disliking the house negro menatlity. I'm not sure, but I refuse to be one who succombs to this notion or that forces it upon another individual. It is quite like the song, "Do you realize that you are a champion in thier eyes" and "Do you ever wonder what it all really means?" We have to understand that behavior is purposful and that we are destined to be kings and queens. Why do we have to live in mediocrity if excellence is always a choice?
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