Yesterday I thought about that incredibly crazy song by Destiny's Child, "Happy Face." While the song is a bit goofy, it is my song. Some of the lyrics are " I woke up and realized this world's not so bad after all. I looked at it through a child's eyes and I saw those beautiful things that you never think about like the ocean, moonlight, stars, and clouds. It's amazing how we don' t appreciate our blessings. Sometimes it gets tough, but I can't give up." So after thinking for awhile, I have decided to do something new. I know that other people can relate to me when I say that some things in one's life have to stop or in other words, die. As a Christian, we often say that we should die to ourselves so that we can let GOD do his thing, but not only that, I am starting to die to myself so that I can let the other part of me live. I have changed and the old part of me is dying.
I am a counselor as well and it's really interesting to me to see parts of myself in my clients. One day I noticed that one of my clients forgot about himself in a picture that he was drawing. For him it made good sense to me as to why he did that. He had been treated like he wasn't important for so long so he started to believe that that was true. I have come to a point in my life where I am believing more and more in my own worth. I've never doubted myself, but everyone needs that little bit of love or that little push from those around them. In being in relationships with other people, I have been mistreated in some aspects and if you've ever been in a situation where things are consistantly crazy, you can start to believe and associate with the way you are being treated. Even in romantic relationships when dating and there is a lot of rejection, it is difficult not feel, as TLC put it, "Un-pretty." I saw pictures of myself and said I am the most precious thing in the world. I have been down for a long time not only because I was stressed out, but because I was feeling like the way I've been treated. It is not my fault that other people don't see my worth. They are missing out on one of the best things since sliced bread!
Another thing that I've decided to do is simply have fun. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but I've decided to dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and simply be free. I don't care anymore about whether my guy friend is going to go out with me or whether my friends will be down for the cause. I've always done things by myself, but now I think that it's on a whole 'nother level. It used to hurt my feelings and I would wonder why other people can get thier "friends" to do for them, but the truth of the matter is that I like me and that's all that matters.
Yet another thing that has changed is the fact that I look at what I do as a profession a bit differently now. I was feeling really weird about the path that I chose for my graduate degree and the career that I chose--teaching. I am working in a clinic as a practicum counseling student and I realized that I won't be using any of this in the field and I wished that I had chosen something else. Along with that, I toy with my profession as a teacher because everyone knows that teachers make small salaries in comparison to other professions. The other day, brought a little bit of clarity to me., however. I was helping with an SAT Prep course that my service group conducts in our community. I visibly understood why I became and eduactor. I saw students who had so much potential, but they didn't know it themselves. I know that I was once in that perdicament and I geuninely like to help young people, especially minorities because there are so many things that we are not told in our communities and often few resources. Truthfully, we often lack the ability to dream and I think that that is sad. I am helpng to share my talent with other people, it is my ability to see in the dark or to make something out of nothing. That is why I have became a school counselor and a teacher.
I have decided that I am going to be happy regardless of what's going on my life and in the lives of others around me. Life's too short to be concerned about people and things that shouldn't matter to me. I have decided to be more of the lady that I have been called to be. Not that I haven't already, but I think it's time to dress for the part. It's time for the pretty girl outfits and flawless attitude to match...all on a dollar budget.
One of my favorite poems is "To Be Somebody" by Robin Wiliams. Part of it reads as follows: "I'm barefooted, hungry and thin as a leaf. My last meal consisted of sorrow and grief. My face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but deep down inside, I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody, not just a hope in a storm , a tree without life or a rose without charm. Not just a song without music or a day without sun, I want to be on top when it's all said and done...I want to meet someone who made it good on the first try and stand along beside them and say so did I...I want to be somebody, but if only for a little while and instead of the world greeting me with a storm let it furnish a smile, but not because my face is all black and my hair is all knotty, but because I had the guts to be somebody." I've learned that I have more guts than most of my peers, but because some people can't quite handle the person that I am, sometimes folk can be very discouraging. I'm done with that now. The other part of me is seeking to live and it is only fair to let her do so. By no means am I saying that I am going to stop doing those things that make me, me. I am saying, however that I am going to go about things a little differently. 2007 is the year of completion, the digits of my age equal 7 (2 + 5), I've been a college student for 7 years and I have driven the same car for seven years. Clearly, this should be the year to end the unecessary things. The word according to T.I. is , I got "big things poppin' and lil' things stoppin'. (I got to) Ball on these suckas, 'cause loosin' is not an option!" To whom much is given, much is required. I am too blessed not live the way that GOD wants me to. Living otherwise would be assinine.
In the words of Lil Kim, this chapter is through...
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