My baby brother is having a baby. My baby brother and his lady are having a baby. I am in no way jealous or angry, but it sounds really interesting to say that. I am 27 and he is 23. I am very happy for him and his family, but I never thought that it would work out this way. I guess this further solidifies the notion that we, in my family, aren't quite like everyone else--in a good way. I say all of this to say that I am at the age to think about marriage and family. I have began to think that I should have children sometime in the near future and get married in the near future, but as a mature woman, I have thought about it in a very holistic, realistic fashion.
I was single for eight years. I'd gone on dates, but I didn't have "the boyfriend." I was the girl that went out alone while my friends had dates or boyfriends. I didn't know what it felt like to have a boy friend to visit on holidays and weekends or even to have friends to visit in the same fashion. I'd learned a lot from the men that I dated and as a counselor, I understood a lot more than I was given credit for. I tried to guard my heart as best as I could. I am particularly proud that I am one of the only women in my family without children and on my father's side of the family, I am my aunts' and uncles' only educated niece. There is a part of me that wants to be a mother and wife, however, I realize that I have reservations about motherhood and marriage--all of which I believe are healthy.
I love my boyfriend. It is the first time in my life that I have had a healthy relationship outside of my immediate family. Contrary to others' beliefs, it is not a figment of my imagination or a moment of infatuation. Marriage is something that I believe is good and fruitful. My parents have been together for over 30 years. My boyfriend's parents are divorced, however. Because of that and the high rate of divorce, I have began to think about what makes a "good," successful marriage and what happens when marriages don't work. I understand now that I have to be honest with myself in my thinking. One of the many things that I have thought about is, am I ready to share all aspects of my life with another person. Am I ready to be completely transparent with another person? One of my other concerns is, am I coming into this as an adult or am I wanting to get married because it's what I should do at this age..or because there's an unsaid pressure in the southern way of thinking. I have no doubt that I would be a good wife. I think it is simply some type of apprehension on my part--especially considering the fact that my boyfriend lives in another state. I think I am afraid to leave everything and everyone that I know. My home, my two jobs, and my family. I know that change would definitely be a good thing for me, but it is a little scary.
Another thing that I thought about was a wedding. A wedding...a WEDDING. I guess you never really think about how much young women think about weddings. Wedding planning is a billion dollar business. If one can get away with spending $10,000 on a wedding, it's a good thing. I think for me, it's a reality check. Simply put, I want a good marriage, the wedding is a secondary event. I think that I am giving up on the dream of the princess wedding--for several reasons. Reason one, is that my boyfriend doesn't like big ceremonies. Now, I do understand that weddings are typically the woman's day, but I argue that it's nearly disrespectful to him because it's his wedding too. Reason two, weddings are amazingly expensive. Lastly, I question why we, as women want such a big affair--is it because we want to be seen? Or is it simply an additional cultural right of passage? I do want a wedding--but I am beginning to rethink the size and manner of such an event. I don't believe that I want anything traditional and if it was left solely up to me, it would be small. I think that my family would wish for something bigger. I do want a really nice bridal shower and honeymoon, however.
The motherhood is somewhere that I venture to several times in my mind. I think that I will be a good mother, but I have reservations about this as well. Honestly, I see a lot as a classroom teacher. I don't want some of the situations that happen to many of my students to happen to my children. I know that my children will be like me and that they will have the fear of God and a great reverence for me and my husband, but I argue that I'm sure that many of those parents thought that they were doing right by their children and things happened. I think about child illness, school reports, family expenses, college tuition. Children are essentially and especially expensive. I was taught very early that this life is not solely about me and that I should care for others. Overtime, it grew to the notion that I was expected to care for others at the expense of my own needs. I think that I am apprehensive about becoming a mother because I know that the moment that I become a mother everything shifts to the child. I've never really been an enormously selfish person because I've always done more for others than I have for myself. I want to be able to have some time to spoil myself and to enjoy my own life. I want to be able to do the things that I've read about in books or reasonably seen in movies. Take a vacation with my boyfriend and spend our money on ourselves. Simply be free. Not forever...but just for a little while. I also don't want my children to have to live with the feelings of inferiority or be picked on. I've felt these feelings for many years. My children will probably be different like me and my brother. I've seen so many women who are simply bad mothers--not just mothers who are having a hard time. I know that motherhood is a very rewarding and difficult task, but I don't believe that I will fit into the club of women who should have never had children in the first place. I want to be a caring, hard-working, and sincere mother like my mom. I believe I am approaching the point in my life when I can be that. I think that these feelings are reasonable and well-merited. I am not (again) opposed to marriage or motherhood, I just have lots of thoughts about this next step in life. I think that this is rightfully so.
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