Chapter 57: Hmm...Choosing to Feel or to Talk about Feelings

Over the last year, I have gone through a lot of different and possibly life changing things. I have been unable to sleep at night for hours and I haven't been sure of what I was thinking or feeling until recently. I think ultimately, I have been angry and maybe even perplexed about some of my feelings and unable to tell others about my thoughts--partially because I feel like there is no one to tell. I think over time, I have become angry at some of my family members, maybe at myself, and at my situation. I don't think my anger was tainted will mal intent, but I think that I have grown angry because I feel misunderstood or cheated out of having a sense of normalcy.

My boyfriend is currently unemployed and has been so for about 5 months now. I don't believe that it was due to any fault of his own. He was told that his department was being downsized, but then the school that he worked at even hired another person after they fired him. I have been torn because I would like to be near him as he lives 8.5 hours away from me, but I know that it may be at least another year and a half until we are actually together in the same city. He moved away to work at that school and with that, he left me. I feel angry at the school because I felt like that was shady and I also felt like that (the school) was the reason that he left me as he went there to work when he lost his job here in Florida. I know that that may be irrational to someone else, but it is how I feel sometimes. I have worked with my honey to help him find jobs and nothing has given yet. I am thankful, however that he has been able to work for one of his friends in construction. I find myself getting frustrated because I feel neglected, but I know he needs my support more than me nagging about feeling neglected. He is unemployed after all---that's enough pressure in and of itself. There are days when I get frustrated when he doesn't call me--I usually call him and there are days when I want to hear, "I love you" or to have him visit me more often at my place, but I know the reality is that he can't because of money issues. I also struggled with feeling hopeless and even confused because I wish things were a little different. I know that it's wrong for me to feel neglected at a time like this and I know that my priority is to make sure his morale is where it should be. I do my best to show him as much love and support as possible, however. I am trying to be hopeful and I know that if I believe in God, I should believe in good things.