Chapter 45: I Ain't Mad at Cha' or Am I?

I went to work today and I was so thankful that I was able to go to work, but for some reason, I was actually mad. Not at the job so to speak, but I was mad at the people there. I prayed this morning and I was happy, but when I saw the first student, I was very mad--I'm just before saying in a rage. I looked at some of my co-workers who day in and day out refuse to speak to me as if I were second class or a child or people who wouldn't help me like I've helped them and I immediately got angry. I'm not sure if I was mad at them directly or mad at the situation, or mad at possibly myself for allowing myself to be surrounded by these people--I'm not sure. I do know, however that I didn't sleep much last night because I was--well--angry. For some reason, I was thinking about all of the hurt and frustration that I have dealt with over the years, especially at work or with my "friends." I know without a doubt that I am blessed beyond measure to be able to work or accomplish the things that I have or simply to work multiple jobs, but something in my heart caused me to think about all of the things that I should let go. Most of these "things" are other people. In my effort to do this, I will and should forgive myself and live a happier life without stressing myself out about unnecessary things.

Last night, I found myself thinking about two men that had a relationship with. One was an ex-boyfriend and the other was a friend. Both of which called me in the last few days to tell me how much they want to see me or to tell me that they felt bad about how they had treated me over the years. I wasn't rude, but I made it clear that I didn't want to see them. I was in the bed last night and I was angry, angry, angry! I guess that one part of me wanted to be rude and the other thought what was the point(?). I felt sad, run over, and annoyed. Maybe I should let God do his work as my vindicator. I know in my heart, that I don't need them for any reason

The other thing that made me angry was my coworkers. Again, I'm glad to work, but I think that I am mad at myself for staying at my school knowing that I have been mistreated there several years. I stayed because I know that it is a rough year in terms of the recession and I didn't want to start all over again at this point, especially since, I'm still contemplating moving to NC. This morning, however I got mad at the students--students who feel a sense of entitlement and my students who are considered lower level who are rude, prideful, and simply hard to work with. I was angry at the fact that I got two preps this year, 22 retained students, and a high number of special education students all rolled into one. No one else in the grade level in reading had the same problem that I had. I felt not only, hurt, but manipulated and offended. By the time that I got my schedule it wasn't anything that I could do. So on one hand, I know I did what was right, but on the other hand, I am still a bit angry. I did what was right and smart, but it hurts. :)

That's all for now...