Chapter 51: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage..Then The Motherhood Part II

Okay. So I went home last weekend and one of the things that I noticed was a bit of frustration on my part. It was mother's day. I didn't let on to anyone about what I was thinking, but every year at church I am reminded that I haven't taken the step to motherhood or "wifedom." I remember when I was in school and single, people always had an interesting reason as to why they thought I was single. Folks said things like: "you don't dress like you want a man---you need to give them enough to look at." "you don't have to have a man that's all up in the church. Why don't you just stop with that." "You're so mean." "Ain't nobody gonna want you because you are too independent."

At this stage, I think about things very differently. I have come to believe that the reason I was single for so long was because God had to make me a better woman and he had to make sure that all of the steps were in order for my honey to meet me. Everyone thought or possibly still thinks that I am too picky--but there are a lot of things or types of men that I have tried to be with and it simply didn't work. Someone even had the audacity to think that I lost my mind (she actually said this) and thought that I feel in love with the first man that I met. That really stung, but I guess everyone has to have a hypothesis about why I am not like everyone else.

I look at it now and it's almost comical. I know I did what's right. I am older and more mature and I can make better decisions about weddings and babies. I can actually say that I've had a chance to live my own life. I don't want to get to a point in my life where I don't know who I am and I haven't had time to live for myself. I just think that it's funny when I've done the right thing all of my life and now people are still looking at me and thinking "what's wrong with you?"

Part me now, is kinda afraid to get married and have children. For several reasons, as mentioned previously. Scared to have children because as a teacher, I see what it's like to see children at the other end of the spectrum--when they're older. I know that it's hard work. Children aren't like Topsy from Uncle Tom's Cabin--you don't just add water and they grow. They need to be raised! I also knew that I wanted a husband and not a baby daddy. Am I ready?

Another thing that came to my attention was in talking to other people about some of my concerns about marriage, I noticed that some married women never thought of things the way that I have. I don't think that I'm overreacting--I just think I'm trying to go into this one day well informed and ready to handle the various challenges. I figure if I am an emotional wreck--I wouldn't be ready for anything of this sort. I have watched too much craziness in regards to weddings and marriages in my short life. Is that too much? IDK these are just my thoughts...