Chapter 31: The Only Jesus

I have a new "favorite" song now. It's called "The Last Jesus" on the new Kirk Franklin CD, "The Fight of My Life." I really love this song because I think that the message is so true and strong. For the first few times that I heard the CD, I skipped the song because I didn't like the introductary music, but I am very glad that I decided to listen to the whole song. The message basically says that we should be very careful about how we live our lives and how we treat each other because we could be the "only Jesus" that some people see in the run of a day. I get tearful when I hear this song because I have wanted someone to be kind to me as well because there are days that one may not hear a kind word from anyone. I think about those who are less fortunate than I, those who are incacerated, those who are ill, and more and I know that I try to do what's right and show some compassion, but there are so many people in the world who do not. Another point of interest is the fact that if we consider ourselves to be Christians, why don't we demonstrate the love of Jesus or allow others to see the Christ in us. The song says, " If I say I love Jesus, but you can't see my Jesus, my words are empty, if they can't see Jesus in me." You just may be the only Jesus they see. My confusion comes when I think about the behavior of others in relation to myself or to those who are close to me.

I went to church today and I have been struggling with this for nearly a year now. I really don't know where to go to church. I have been torn between two churches for years, but I continued to go to what I called "my" church. I felt like I wanted to walk out of the church because the people can be so rude there, but I stayed because I knew that message would considerably be good. I was struggling emotionally with what I was feeling because I didn't understand if I was angry or sad. Someone told me to move from my seat as the balcony was closed during the first service. Mind you, the doors were open. I understood the purpose, but I was disturbed by the way that the usher went about it. I felt like a number and I didn't feel like I was a part of the church at that moment. This is not the second time that something like this has happened. I am not crazy or anything, but I stay because I learn so much about the bible there. The people bother me. In this sense, I can't see the Jesus in them. I feel alone as I go to church by myself and I sit alone in the same place every Sunday unless MW is there. I feel like when I do make interactions with other people that they make empty statements and that I can see through them. It's kinda like what I meant in the chapter about church people. I am torn and at this point after 4 years, I've visited many churches, but I haven't found one that tailors to my needs and gives me the word in a manner that I can understand, digest, and understand. The church I visit more often than not, is a wonderful place as the people are kind and my speed, but I can't follow the pastor. I refuse to join a church in a place where I have to struggle to understand the messages and the word. I need help with this.

Another thing that I think about when I hear this song is the fact that again, we don't think about what our actions do to others. One of my students wrote an essay about this same matter. I assigned the student a "One Mic" essay. Much like the Nas song, "One Mic," the students were asked if they were given one mic, what would they say about any global issue. It needed to be something that they could write passionately about. This student wrote about the notion that many people are being abused or resort to substance abuse because other people are being inconsiderate and abusive to them. I was shocked at her response, but I agree. If hurt people, hurt other people, it is certainly the truth. A "friend" of mine called me to his house the other day and I was excited for many reasons, one is the fact that I got a chance to go somewhere and the other was the fact that I enjoy his company in the few times that we do see each other in a month. He asked me to do several things for him this week and I agreed to do them as I knew if it were me I would want someone to help me in the same fashion. He was supposed to call me so that he could bring the materials to my home, but he didn't. The next day, I sent a message to him (being kind). He didn't respond. I sent him an email the following day to ask about a free offer that he was giving to his clients...I wanted one for myself. He responded by saying that he would call me...and he did, but I never received the materials and I never got the free offer. So I gave up. There was nothing else to do. Another instance this weekend was that he wanted me to get a picture frame for one of his pictures. I sent him a text and he ignored me, so I gave up on that as well. Again, we don't truly know what effect our behavior has on others. I know that I did nothing wrong and that he owns the problem, but it certainly doesn't feel good to be ignored when you trying to help someone, especially someone who can be considered a friend. Truthfully, I felt quite lonely and hurt. I know that he is busy, but so am I. Figuratively, he forgot about me. I was trying to help.

You have to be so careful because you never know when you are entertaining angels. God lives inside of each of us and when we neglect another person, ignore the voice of God, or plainly mistreat someone, we aren't living in the manner in which he would like for us to live. Sometimes we are the only Jeusus that some people see. It's sad to know that we often live empty lives and don't even realize what we are doing in the world and what empact our actions have. My warning is to be careful how you treat others and don't get too selfish and caught up in your own problems that you forget that the love that someone may need has been put inside of you by God. Putting a little love in your heart is almost an understatement as it is already there. We just don't realize it and those who actually do realize it, don't always use it or know what to do with it. That's sad, ain't it?