Chapter 4: The Truth About Being a Good Person...

I know that it sounds trite to say "the truth about being a good person," but I have come to a point where I sometimes feel like being good isn't always fun. The truth is that it is extremely hard to be a good person. I am 25 years old and I have been single for years and one of the most disheartening things to hear from a man is "I really like you. I would marry you, but I wouldn't date you." Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is "what the hell do you mean, you would marry me, but you wouldn't date me?" In the midst of that completely asinine statement is a subtle hint of hope and the notion that the man meant well somehow. In other words, he was saying that maybe you (Brandi) are too good for me or possibly he wants to hint that he hasn't completely gotten his bachelor mentality out of his system yet. While I can respect that to a degree, it hurts.

I was talking to a guy the other day and, we or should I say, he came to the notion that he was too much for me. We agreed that we should not date. I don't agree with some of his habits, but in being honest about things, I know that it was best. I really like him and he likes me, but in some twisted way, it is hard not to feel that I've been throwed away. If I am such a good woman, (I have no doubt in my mind of this...) why wouldn't a man like that? It's almost like saying that I'm not much fun for some guys. You may think, "she should feel like such a prize right now because the bad guys are weeded out." Well, the truth is that I do feel good most days, but it doesn't feel good when you have to spend holidays alone or listen to your friends tell you about how wonderful their men have been to them.


I remember asking GOD to do something interesting for me. I asked him to keep certain men away from me if they aren't "The One." I know that that sounds silly, but I'm tired of hurting now. I've been in several relationships that have poisonous to my life and I wonder sometimes what I have to offer to another man. Although I am young, I don't want to casually date anymore or be in another relationship, be it friendship or romantic relationship, that will be debilitating to me. If I've never understood the power of GOD before, I understand it now---you should be ready when you ask him for something or to do something because he will give it to you! What is so funny to me is that when I meet a man that I like and he seems to like me, it's almost like he fades away. I had a wonderful date once and he seemed to like me too. What's interesting is that I called him the next day to tell him that I had such a great time and to continue to "build rapport" with him. When I spoke with him, he rushed me off the phone and didn't hear from him for two months! It wouldn't have been so weird if he hadn't called my dad the next day to tell him how much fun we had as he knew my dad from business. I just have to believe that there is something greater. While it's sad and I want to cry sometimes when I see couples doing nice things and having fun, I know that there has to be a method to the madness. People have told me that there is something wrong with me because I am the common factor in all of this or the most notorious one of all "don't worry B you'll find someone one day." I hate that! While it is not only endearing, people say it because they think that it sounds good!

Another thing that troubles me about being a good person is the fact that there are sooo many haters. I know that there are haters everywhere, but when you try to do what's right and others can't find any major dirt on you, it tends to ruffle some people's feathers. I own my own home, I have two degrees and I'm working on the third as I write this, I own my car, and I clearly "do me." I stay out of folk's business, I don't mess with anyone, and I beg for nothing. A lot of people have a hard time with that because they find it hard to believe that one person can achieve so much in so little time. I've heard things like, "you don't seem to be very strong-willed" or "she's not strong enough." It pisses me off to hear these things. I know the strength that lives within me, but it amazes me the kind of attention that comes up when you try to do the right thing and mind your own business. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were to do something "naughty." It would almost be funny if I were to get some type of credibility for wrong doing.

Clearly, being a good person has many, many benefits, but it's funny to go through the motions. I will be the person on top when it's all said and done in this eartly realm of things, however. I try not to dwell on the things that make me sad, but those are some of the things that make me go hmmmmm. Until the next time...