Chapter 61: I'm Getting Married!!!!!!

On October 3, 2010, we got engaged! :) I can't say that it was as romantic and dreamy as in the movies, but it was very sweet and simple---our style to say the least. J had asked me months before--casually as I was on the way to the airport--and I said yes. I didn't think that I would get a ring at the time that I did. That part was really a shock to me and exciting. All he said was, "I have something for you..." He's so humble and that's one of the things that I love so much. :)

The interesting part of all of this, however was that I didn't tell anyone at first. I texted my childhood friend and she didn't respond until the next day. I didn't tell my parents and I didn't tell my brother. In fact, I told my brother and the lady who introduced us the next day at the airport and I didn't tell my parents for two weeks!! I have just recently told my friends! It wasn't that I was embarrassed--I was just mortified. I am very protective of my relationship and I didn't want anyone to talk badly about us for any reason. I was also very concerned about not only what my parents would say, but also about my own reaction to their reaction. I was very, very scared....even today.

My parents didn't react the way that I would've hoped and I had seen what things had been like for my little brother during his engagement. I didn't want things to go that way for us. My mother stopped talking to me for some hours and I immediately thought that I had done something wrong. I have come to realize that during our courtship, I had been told so many negative things about myself and so many doors had been closed that I had lost faith in my own ability to make decision for myself. I had begun to have more faith in the words that my parents said or the negative daily news than in God. It's embarrassing, but it is very much the truth. I figured that older people or other people in general had more knowledge than me. I have always been one to take advice before I make decisions because I want to do the right things in my life. That's the way that I was raised--ask knowledgeable people so that you can make an informed decision. I never considered that my heart and my dreams can be as valid as anyone else. Things have not been perfect, but I know the core of my fiance and I can't deny my heart. I am seeing God's favor this year and I'm really grateful.

I am tired of being anxious and nervous after being harassed by my family and I have begun to trust and believe in not only God, but myself. I still have days when I worry about what others will think of me and I am careful about the things that I say, but I am getting better. I think that I feel this way because of how things were when I first told other people that I was dating. That was not a good time for me. My prayer is that I will not continue to be a nervous person and I will see the fullness of God because I believe. I am very, very grateful for the new and good things that are in store for me. It's my turn now. :)